Chapter 3
“Sirius. Sirius let me in.” James shouted outside Sirius’ bedroom door. Sirius had pretended to be sick to miss school, so as to avoid them all, so James waited until break and pretended he had a migraine so the nurse would send him home.
“It's just the two of us in the house. Talk to me, okay?” James was exhausted. He and Peter had found Remus just outside his front door, trying to roll a spliff with shaking hands. The three of them walked to Peckham Rye park, and James texted Sirius to go home as he, Peter and Remus got high in a copse of trees. Sirius had been locked in his room when James got back, and James was too tired and too high, and frankly a little annoyed at him, to try and deal with it then. But, he was also Sirius’ self-appointed brother, and deal with it he must- or, he wanted to.
“Come on, Padfoot, please?” James tried, celebrating inwardly when he heard footsteps cross the floor, and the clunk of the lock being turned back. Sirius was wrapped up in a pair of James’ pyjamas that were much too big, given that James played rugby and was about three inches taller and wider than Sirius’s skinny 5’11 frame. Sirius’ eyes were red rimmed and puffy, and he looked thoroughly miserable. “Talk to me mate.” James said, flopping onto Sirius’ bed. Sirius sat on the little armchair tucked in the corner of his room, pulling his knees up to his chest. James was suddenly overwhelmingly aware that you could likely fit two of Remus’ bedrooms into Sirius’. It made him all the more uncomfortable about Sirius’ outburst.
“Does Moony hate me?” Sirius asked, sounding pitiful.
“I don’t think so. You owe him one mad apology though. In person.” James said, just on the friendly side of reprimanding. “Yeah, I know.” Sirius sighed, laying his head on his knees. “Look, text him and ask him to meet you after school. I know he’ll go. And then just try not to fuck it up anymore.” James said, and Sirius nodded, already pulling out his phone.
===
There was something about Moony that Sirius found a little bit intoxicating. He had first noticed it after their GSCE’s. They’d all gone to the Potter’s camber house to celebrate, getting drunk off vodka and sleeping on the beach and swimming hungover. The first thing they had done when they arrived in the morning the day after their final exam was swim. The sun was blazing hot, a rare june heatwave, and Remus had pulled off his t-shirt and jeans and pulled his swim-trunks on over his underwear in his haste to get into the water and all Sirius knew was the sight of Moony standing there, practically towering over Sirius in tight white boxers had made him feel slightly drunk. He had spent most of that day trying to dunk remus under the water just so he could touch him.
Since then, there had just been something about Remus. Maybe it was his height, or his lopsided smile, or his curly hair or his care-free attitude but Sirius felt drawn to it like a moth to a flame. He had always just thought he had really wanted to be Remus’ friend; be close to Remus the way he was close to James, the way James was close to Remus. James and Remus shared a bond Sirius had never quite managed to unlock for himself, and he had never fully understood why.
So he had been so excited to spend their year twelve summer gallivanting with Remus, spending more time with him, trying to finally be liked by Remus as much as James was, but they had spent maybe a week of the summer together before there had just been radio silence from Remus’ end. It had hurt, a lot, and Sirius had been so excited to see Remus again on the first day of school, all his anger of being seemingly forgotten dissipating in the face of seeing his friend again, but then Remus had seemed… changed. He was quieter, he spent less time with them. He dressed different, and talked different, and he had different friends and it had felt so wrong, and Sirius had felt so unsettled. And then Daffydd had turned up, and at Gid and Fab’s he had looked at Remus like he was something edible. Like he had ownership over Sirius’ Moony. Sirius had hated him at first sight. He had also hated the easy affection between the two. They sat thigh-to-thigh on the sofa. They drank from each other’s drinks. It had made Sirius uncomfortable to watch, so he had gone and found the first girl who’d get with him. He hadn’t slept with Marlene. He’d lied, but at the time he had felt like he’d been slapped in the face that Remus- Their Remus, who wore sweaters and did all his homework and played cards with his mum- had been clubbing without them. Taking strangers home.
It was like Remus had been replaced with a stranger, and neither James nor Peter seemed to mind. And it had been okay, at first, when Remus had been seemingly keeping his distance from all of them, but then James and Remus had begun to get closer, in that abstract way of theirs that Sirius could never quite explain or understand. Looks over the lunch table that had meanings Sirius couldn’t decipher. They texted all the time, even though Remus barely spoke on their group chat. They would show up to lunch or the common room together, even though they had no lessons together. It had made Sirius feel small, and forgotten. It had hurt. And now he had ruined it.
Totally and completely ruined it.
He had never felt worse than when James and Peter had both left to follow Remus. he had been so sure, so convinced, that Remus was the problem. that he was keeping secrets and staying away and that it would tear the group apart, but then they had follwed him anyway, and Sirius had been left alone.
He hadn't felt alone since moving in with the Potters, and he had forgotten how cruel a feeling it was. how small it made him feel.
===
Remus had agreed to meet him, just like James said he would, and Sirius had suggested Peckham Rye park. He had been sitting on a bench right by one of the entrances and he saw Remus walking towards him, smoking. Smoking? He didn’t know Remus smoked. It made him look… Really, really hot.
Oh fuck.
Sirius thought Moony was hot. He wasn’t supposed to do that. He was supposed to like girls, not one of his best mates. Sirius started to panic. Remus was getting closer, and all Sirius could see was how good he looked, how enticing.
Sirius stood up, and started running. He didn't know Peckham well, he was sure to get lost, but all he could think about was getting as far away from Remus as possible before he did something stupid like compliment him, or touch him.
He heard Remus’ shout of, “for fucks sake, Sirius. I’m not a big scary monster!” from behind him, but he kept running. He had done exactly the opposite of what James had said to do. He had fucked it up further.
Oops.
===
James was fuming. He was waiting right by the front door for when Sirius returned home. He didn’t take long. The front door to the Edwardian house creaked open and Sirius dragged himself through it, paling a bit when he saw James waiting there.
“What the fuck, Sirius. Remus texted me that you saw him and legged it? What happened?” He was slightly less fuming when he saw the tears well up in Sirius’ eyes. “What happened?” he said, softer.
“Want to go to the den?” Sirius nodded, so James wrapped his arm around Sirius’ shoulders and gave him a squeeze before they descended to the room in the basement that had once been the playroom, but once they turned thirteen and decided to be ‘cool’ it was now named the 'den'. It was where the four of them got drunk and played video games and watched films. There were two squishy sofas and a massive tv mounted onto the wall and a mini fridge in one corner stocked with beer. James steered Sirius over to one of the sofas, aware he was likely on the verge of a panic attack. James had seen this before, helped Sirius through them before. He had had a lot when he first moved to the Potter’s, scared that his family would find a way to get him back, and then when they didn’t, feeling depressed that his family had let him go that easily- that they hadn’t wanted him. Maybe he had seen one of them in the street, his brother, maybe?
“What happened. Or would you rather talk to mum?”
“You.” Sirius said, before sitting up properly and wiping his eyes with his fist. Looking at the wall behind James instead of at James, Sirius said quietly, “You would still be my friend if I was gay, right?”
Ah.
James had seen this coming a few years ago. He would have to tread carefully- if Sirius found out that Remus and James were both… queer, James thought that was the right word, he would be angry. Really, really angry.
“You’re my brother, of course I would be.” James said. “And I think I saw this coming.”
Sirius’ head snapped up at that. “What?” he asked sharply. “Most straight men don’t like Bowie as much as you do.” James said, aiming for a jokey tone, but falling a bit short.
“Moony likes Bowie as much as me.” Sirius said.
Ah. again.
Gingerly, James said “what do you think the nature of Remus’ and Daffydd’s relationship was, Padfoot?” and he watched as realisation dawned.
“Oh. why didn’t he say anything?” James could honestly say he didn’t know they answer to that, and he breathed a sigh of relief. “I don't know, Pads. maybe he thought he didn’t need to, or maybe he wasn’t ready. I just guessed, and he confirmed it. I think Peter might have guessed, but I don’t know if he asked about it. I didn’t say anything to you because it didn’t feel like my place.”
Sirius nodded. He still looked forlorn though.
“If it helps,” James started tentatively, “I think I might like boys too. Not exclusively, but as well.” Sirius looked up at James, bewildered.
“How did you figure it out?” “I kissed one, and I liked it.” James hedged.
“Who?” Sirius asked, with a tone of voice James didn't quite understand.
James regretted saying anything. He was a terrible liar. Really, really shit at it.
“I don’t kiss and tell, I’m not Pete.” James joked, and it worked as a distraction, Sirius laughed before leaning over the sofa and grabbing two beers from the fridge.
Later that night, James texted Remus. Sorry about Pads today. Don’t tell anyone obvs but I think you might have triggered a bit of a sexuality crisis.
I’m getting all the Potter brothers, huh? Think your da will want me next? Remus replied, and James laughed out loud. He could see why Sirius liked Remus so much.
Yeah, Monty n mum will take you as a third. Haha. Jokes aside though, I told him I liked boys n that I found out by kissing one. He can never know who.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m no idiot Prongsy boy. See you tm Came Remus’ reply.
Wait!! Do you think Lily would say yes if I asked her out? James’ palms were sweating.
Yeah, just don’t mess her about. She’s had some v shit experiences with boys. Gotta prove you’re serious.
Wdym, thats my brother James replied, unable to stop grinning.
The next morning he woke up to a text from Remus that contained Lily’s number. James had never been more excited about anything but winning a rugby match before.