And I snuck in through the garden gate
Every night that summer just to seal my fate (oh)
And I screamed for whatever it's worth
"I love you, " ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?
Falling for James potter was easy. It was the circumstances that were hard. Knowing it was wrong made Regulus want him even more. They always had to let their empty promises whisper away in secret.
James was new and beautiful. Regulus had never had someone feel so real. He brought in light when Regulus felt like he was drowning in the darkness. Toujours Pur is the motto right? Well James made Regulus feel pure. They weren’t ready to lose the feeling of his body against theirs, but the truth is Regulus will have to lose him eventually.
This wonderful secret continued with Regulus sneaking in through the garden gate of the Potter Manor, every night during summer. Sometimes they would just talk about school or what James and the boys did during the day, and even sometimes Regulus would read to James. It was dangerous, and they both knew that, but being away from James Potter is almost impossible. He had told his mother that he would be staying with Barty in the Black Estate in Scotland. Barty’s there, but he’s not. Instead Regulus is here in James Potter’s garden.
“Regulus?” James whispered.
“Yeah James, I’m here.” He closed the gate behind him.
“Hey.”
“Hi James.” Regulus had been smiling since James had been too.You can always count on James’ smile to be contagious. James’ hair was as messy as usual and he was wearing very cute quidditch pajamas.
“You look…” Regulus didn’t know the right word to use.
“Adorable, right?” James did a little twirl showing off his pajamas.
“Yes of course James.”
“Can I um… hug you?” Bloody James always knows to ask. Merlin it’s going to hurt so much more because of how perfect he is. How did I let this happen?
Regulus nodded as a yes to the hug. He worried that it would be too hard to try and speak aloud.
James’ warm arms soon were wrapping over Regulus’ middle and James made them sway slightly. Regulus felt the soft touch of James’ lips on his head.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
Regulus had wanted to say it since the first time he laid eyes on James Fucking Potter. Half the school probably wanted what was his. Was James his? It didn’t always feel like it because Regulus knows James deserves better. So much better than what Regulus could offer him. So much more than secret relationships hidden in the dark. Instead of saying I love you and letting his brain take over his thoughts, he asked about his brother.
“Sirius asleep then?”
“Nah, I heard him go to Remus’ room. He’ll sleep in there.”
“Remus huh?”
“Yeah they’re perfect for eachother, I never really realized it until last year.” James let out a muffled laugh.
Regulus was jealous of Sirius in so many ways. Not that he would ever admit to it though. Sirius had James so much more than Regulus did. Sirius got to escape while he is still stuck behind the strong grasp that is the Black family. Regulus envies him for being the true Gryffindor that he is.
“Come with me.” James held out his hand for Regulus to hold. He took James’ hand and felt the other boy lead them further into the garden. They ended up in the middle of James’ practice quidditch field. James laid down on the grass and Regulus did the same.
“James what are we doing?” Regulus rolled his eyes.
“Look up. There’s you! And there’s Sirius.” James turned his head to face Regulus. Regulus was looking up at the stars and he didn’t even realize that tears were forming in the corner of his eyes.
“Regulus don’t cry, I’m sorry. What’s wrong?” James sat up on his elbows now worried.
“James.” Regulus has barely spoken above a whisper. James hummed in response. He had to say it, even if it was only once.
“I love you. I have always loved you, but… but it’s wrong. We’re wrong James.”
“Does this feel wrong Reg? Because I don’t think it does.”
“It hurts James.” Regulus was crying softly now. The salty tears falling slowly down his face.
“Regulus, please let me help you. Let me make this not hurt.”
“You can’t.” Regulus wished more than anything that James could stop everything. That he could freeze time with no war, no Black family, and no more secrets. Just the two of them in love. But the reality is that this is just another cruel summer.
Regulus scooted closer to James and laid his head on his chest. He needed to feel the warmth of the other boy. He needed to get as close as possible to James, even if it meant hurting him in the end.
“Je t'aime, c'est pas la pire chose que tu aies jamais entendue?” Regulus whispered in French so that James wouldn’t understand. Regulus felt James’ fingers running through his hair. It was a gentle touch filled with so many emotions.
James understood that Regulus was hurting. And James always made Regulus feel better even if it was only temporary. But this time Regulus is sure he’ll feel even worse.
“Regulus I love you too. And I wish that things were different, that we could run away from all of this, and that…that I could protect you from this war. We’ll win Regulus. I’ll win this war for us.”
James sounded so sure that they would win this war. Only if James knew just how powerful the Dark Lord really was. Regulus knew James’ side would lose eventually, and that truth would completely destroy him.
Regulus feels so much for James. Good, bad, sad, happy, regret, safe, complete, and love. No one would ever understand how much Regulus needed James. It amazed Regulus sometimes just how easily James made himself to be the most important thing in Regulus' life. Such a big part, that will never last. What James didn’t know is that at the end of this summer, Regulus would take his mark. He would become what he hated most. So for James’ sake, Regulus had to end things. The hope that James had for them, Regulus could never imagine having.
They laid there in silence for what felt like hours. James had yawned and cast a quick tempus charm to see what time it was. Regulus knew it was late but he didn’t want to leave yet. He knew as soon as he left, it would be the last time he would ever have to say goodbye to James. Because that would be the last time. Regulus would miss this. Miss James. Miss everything about him. Miss how he always woke up early for a morning run, how he’s always happy, how he always takes care of everyone, and how he’s always loveable. And miss his stupid messy hair. Regulus would have to store away all of these amazing memories together because once he had that mark on his arm, his memories weren’t his anymore. They would be Voldemort’s. And Regulus could never risk that for James. For his James.
“James?” Regulus’ voice was holding back tears.
“I know Reg, I know.” James had been crying too, and Regulus saw the dried tear marks on his cheeks. He hated this. He hated all of it.
Regulus stood up and faced away from James to wipe his tears from his face. Regulus knew James was staring at him, he felt his eyes burning into the back of his head. He can do this. He had to. For James.
“I have to leave James.” Regulus’ voice sounded certain this time. Present as strong for him.
“You’ll be back tomorrow night right Reg?” James was begging. Please don’t let me break your heart. Regulus thought.
“Regulus?” James choked out his sobbing as he called out for Regulus. James knew now.
“James I have to leave now.” Regulus repeated himself.
James nodded in understanding but he was still crying. It was taking every ounce of strength that Regulus had left to not cry and hold James in his arms.
“Show me.”
“What?” Regulus asked and he turned around to face him again.
“Show me it again please.” James asked again. Regulus thought he looked so beautiful in the moonlight. No, don't think that, not now, you can’t anymore.
Regulus understood now. He took out his wand and cast the spell. “Expecto Patronum.” A silver wisp of silver light fled from Regulus’ wand and it turned into a huge stag. James had always loved when Regulus showed him his patronus. Regulus never knew why. The stag walked over to James and nudged his hand with it’s antlers. James smiled at the patronus and then he looked back to Regulus. He walked towards him and grabbed his hands from his sides. James held Regulus’ hands in his and brought them to his mouth and left a soft kiss on them.
Why wasn’t there any hope for them?
“I love you Regulus, and I always will.” The eye contact they were holding was hurting Regulus more than he thought it could.
“Je t'aime James, et je suis désolé de l'avoir fait.” With that Regulus let go of James' hands and instead reached up with his hands to bring them to hold James’ face. Regulus leaned in and kissed James’ forehead. One little kiss with a thousand conversations hidden behind it. He then let his hands fall to his sides again. This is it. This will be the ending of his cruel summer with James.
The last thing that Regulus heard was James call out his name before he apparated home. But not his true home. His true home would always be James Potter.