The Mystery of the Fallen Marauder
The first time Petunia Evans is not there to say goodbye, Lily finds herself involved in more important mysteries than the ones behind her sister's hatred. There they are, sat in their usual compartment, Sirius' arm set around Remus while James' feet lie near them and Peter, usually by James' side, is nowhere to be found; one would think there is nothing out of the ordinary going on, that the three boys' behaviour is just as childish as it has always been, but not her... Not when minutes come to pass and James Potter's laugh never leaves his lips, not when she hears Sirius reassuring his best friend that he is alright, that he would do better to forget the whole ordeal, and James insisting it is not that easy. Something is off with the marauders, and Lily is going to find out what it was.
Marly and Dorcas arrive at their compartment not much later, and they too notice the peculiar behaviour of their most loaded friendgroup. The feud between the two groups had been going on for years, up to the point that they avoided at all costs paying attention to their rivals or even talking about them (except for when Lily starts going on and on about what an absolute prick James Potter is and how much she wishes he would stop asking her out). And yet, that day she wasn't the only one paying attention to the marauders.
“I think you're right,” admitted Marlene, hugging Dorcas distractedly, “something is going on, but look, it's none of our business, you should just ignore them, don't mind them.”
Lily tries, but as they enter the Great Hall, she notices the three friends walking away from the crowd, and Peter, for the first time since the train journey started, is following them. She tries to keep up with James and Peter's angry gestures and with the raised voices she couldn't hear from her usual seat next to Marlene, Dorcas, Mary and Alice; but she can't, not with her friends looking at each other as if they were remembering an extremely funny joke nobody had bothered to tell her. God! She hates when they do that!
Yet, it is clear when they sit together without giving it a second thought that whatever they were fighting about is no longer a problem. Looking back at her friends, she resolves that she will question Remus later, not only about the fight and the lifeless attitude James is showing, but also about his relationship with Sirius; she is sure something has finally happened between those two, and, while she does not want to pressure them into telling her, she needs them to know that she has absolutely no problem with it.
Lily has been friends with Remus since their first year, much longer than Marlene with Sirius. The truth is that, even though their close bond did not surprised her in the slightest given how similar they both were, her friendship provided her friend with the perfect excuse to make the girls agree to her and Sirius.
“Look,” she told them one night, after they confronted her about it, “it is not treason if you just hit it off with one of them, their group is still competing against ours, and there is no way in hell we'll let them score higher this year, ladies, not when the only one studying and not in detention all the time is Remus; but let's be clear, Lily has been doing the same thing for years and nobody seems to care, so why can't I befriend my fellow beater from the Gryffindor Quidditch Team? Huh?”
Much to her dismay, everyone was absolutely on board with the idea; and that was that. Two years later, Remus' presence in her life feels as inevitable as Sirius' in Marlene's, as if it was something meant to happen, and Lily can't imagine Hogwarts without him, not anymore; but James... That boy is full of himself, there is no doubt about that, what she doesn't comprehend is why, why he is always so cruel, why he won't stop mocking her by asking her out and pretending to be in love with her, why he didn't stop bothering her and Severus until their friendship was gone...
No, that is a frequent argument in Lily's mind, where one internal voice seems set to remind her that it was James' fault, that the guy she still isn't able to get rid off was to blame, while a very different one always replies that if anyone is to blame, that is Severus, that James has done her a favour by revealing her old childhood friend's true colours. She looks at Severus now, immersed in a passionate conversation with his fellow blood-maniacs friends, and realises that, at least that part, is true; no matter how much it hurts Lily to think about it.
They are already done with their first day of classes by the time Lily notices one more clue concerning the marauders' mystery (as she likes to call it). The gryffindor common room is empty without her nemesis (which would not be unusual at all, seeing curfew has come and gone and only her rested among the seventh years, completing essays she would not hand out for another week; had it not been, of course, for the lack of noise and craziness she is used to). Where are they? Why aren't they spread near the fire, pestering her and trying to catch her attention?
She has tried to question Remus, of course, but other than to confirming his relationship with Sirius, which they were clearly hiding from the world, his astute observations turned out to be useless, completely and utterly useless.
“Lils, it is not my place to say,” he replied, trying to hide his flustered cheeks, “if you really wanna know, you'll have to ask Sirius or James, mostly Sirius because without his approval James will tell you nothing.”
“Ok, fine,” Lily relented, “but you do know I'll support you no matter what, right? You can be yourself around me.”
The boy stuttered a few unsaid words and excused himself; he had somewhere to be, he told her. Lily knew she should have confessed it to him by now, that she had figured it out a long time ago and she didn't care at all, but part of her knew that being a werewolf was quite a personal thing, she didn't want him to tell her until he was ready.
Yet, despite everything, despite how much she said to hate it, here she is, longing for a chaos that never comes, feeling the stiffness around her she missed for so long crawling through her skin until she can't stay still no more. Making sure her steps are not heard, she goes up the stairs with the foolish hope of finding them on their way down. She stares at the closed door for a few minutes before knocking (not creepy at all, Lily, old Petunia would say with a hidden, yet present, grin). She misses that, the sister who would admonish her while taking the mickey out of her, putting a strict motherly face Lily had not received in God knows how long.
It is Remus the one who answers. Barely opening the door for a few inches (enough for Lily to see his perfectly made bed) and looking at her as if she had lost her mind.
“Lily? What are you doing here?” He asks her in honest confusion.
“That what am I doing here? What about you four?” She answers with more questions, scoffing at them.“It is barely nine!”
It is then that Sirius appears, pale looking and barely standing, but putting on a brave face.
“Lily flower!” He exclaims, faking a cheeky grin. “I knew you missed me! Dear, dear..., all those months without me by your side, it must have been unbearable! But do not suffer for me, I shall leave your side no more!”
And Lily can't believe her eyes when, in an failed attempt to reach Sirius without being seen, without having to face her, James opens the door wildly, only to reveal the unmade bed they were laying on just moments before, filled with unfinished letters, along with the sleeping figure of Peter in the corner, apparently unmoved by the state his friends were in.
“Look,” she murmurs, looking at James and Sirius especially, doubting between going inside or running to the other direction, “I don't know what is going on, it is none of my business anyway, but..., if you ever need help, or someone to talk to, or whatever, I'm here, ok?”
James looks at her, baffled, showing honest shock for a few seconds, before reacting all of a sudden. He walks towards them, standing between her and Sirius as if he was protecting him from something. However, all it takes is for Lily to walk out of the room and for Sirius to murmur an embarrassed "James," to get him to his usual self (or to the most similar version to the fearless rude boy who wouldn't stop pestering her).
“Thanks, Lily,” he concedes, closing the door as he speaks, “I'll take your word for it. Well, we're going to bed earlier tonight so see you tomorrow, I guess.”
With those last words, the door closes down. Lily stares at the smooth wood, and wonders what could have happened in James Potter's perfect life to make him behave like that. Because what Lily expected was certainly not a welcoming feast, but a dare and a love poem at least.
That is what the old James Potter would have done: he would have pretended to fall down out of his love for her, that one he would wield like a sword while he claimed to be “her knight in shining armour;” then, she would have looked at him as if he had two heads, doing her best to keep her cool while facing his taunting and merciless jokes (those painful reminders that implied no one would ever want her, that people would only ever ask her out as a joke, looking for the cruel but cherished satisfaction they would feel as they turned her off immediately after); and lastly, Lily Evans would have insulted him, she would have told him how full of himself he was and what a nuisance he was becoming, only to run to her friends minutes afterwards, mostly to clear off her mind, but also to show him she had people she could turn to, that she was not as alone or as weak as he wished her to be.
The truth is that she never expected him to stop, to show her the respect she knows she deserves, and now he has, it doesn't feel right... It feels as if he were a completely different person, as if James Potter had stayed at home and a stranger had taken his place. Lily does not know what is wrong with Sirius—with cheerful, yet exhausting Sirius—she can't even begin to comprehend what could have happened specifically to the richest student of Gryffindor House to make them look that way (because James’ protectiveness has come from somewhere, she has known that much since before talking to Remus), but she will not rest until she figured it out.
Once in bed, she closes her eyes and tries to sleep, to inhale and exhale air through deep breaths until her mind went off—needless to say, she is unsuccessful—although it is not until she perceives a blurry figure she would soon discover to be the one of James Potter on the top of the Astronomy Tower, that she gives up.
Life, she thinks half an hour later, would not look as dark or as cruel as it did in that moment, running through the castle with a poorly done disillusion charm on and only her wand as company. She had been so sure he would jump, so sure that was the worst that could happen to a person...
How wrong she was.