He would spend eternities looking at her, admiring the way her eyes would shine brighter when reading, following her mouth the way she followed the words of the so well known poetry, he would spend all the time that would take, to just see her.
He didn’t wanted to touch her — if that happens, it would he would be in heaven. But that wasn’t his priority, he just wanted to see her being okay, being happy, being the strongest and better version of herself.
He saw her broken, he saw her scars, he saw her tears, and it broke him.
They fought in different sides of the war, she being the golden girl and him being the silver boy, they didn’t match, they didn’t work, they couldn’t collide and be.
But he still would spend eternities looking at her, because he did spend years, staring at her constellation freckles, tracing them in secret, trying to convince himself that the reason she had his name constellation on her face would be a laugh at the destiny, because if she did, maybe there was a chance that in the future, maybe in another life he could call her, his.
He stayed on the cold stoned walls until they became hot at his neck, but still didn’t move, because she didn’t.
When they were younger, he realized he had feelings when she had become paralyzed by the snake in the chamber of secrets, he was the one who found her, he was the one who saw her terrified eyes and feared that would be the last time he saw her eyes, she looked blank at him, no life, no shine at her honey eyes, nothing.
He trew up besides the stars, after trumbling in his feet.
When he heard she was alive, was the same day he found out how the chamber was opened, he didn’t talked to his father for the whole summer, his father didn’t tried to talk to him either.
After that he would try everything to make she look at him, almost begging to her to help him forget her blank death stare, he would memorize every look, thinking would be its last.
At the war, when his father called him, he tried to look for her, and they glances collided, he really thought it was the last time.
At least she looked alive, with dirt in her face, but alive, small tears formed in the corner of her eyes and it was way too shine, with pain and anger, but she was alive, and for Draco, that was enough at the time.
He looked at her, collecting glimpses of her smile, tears in the dark, and laughs in the crowd, because that was enough.
He didn’t think he was enough for Hermione Granger.
How could he be? His arm was marked with the same design as the arms that killed her friends.
He was not worthy of her smile, or her laugh.
He was not worth of her “I love you’s”.
But he still would spend eternities looking at her.
Hoping it won’t be the last time.
The next saturday came quickly, the visits for hogsmade was like a breath of fresh air, he tried to convince himself that most people kept seeing the things he did.
That the bodies and rivers of blood was in the past, and not on his mind, forever, that the screams would eventually stop and starts to be joyful ones.
In the slytherin common rooms he would wake up by the screams, sometimes even his owns, in those nights he would slip away in the darkness and be at the divination room, he would sleep between the sweaters and stars on the classroom, because that was the only room he didn’t see destroyed with bodies and blood, the fear never reached that corner of the school.
It was peaceful, just like the walk to hogsmeade, he did saw bodies there, but it was different, he hardly came to hogsmeade before the war, so the memory wasn’t stained, in the war was the first time he actually saw those streets, so seeing it now, was a relieve.
The snow falls between his hot hands, his coat was already damp when she appeared.
Her nose was red, just like her lips, she was leaving honey duke’s, he realized she did enjoyed those chocolate frogs and the sparklings lollypops.
Their eyes meet and took him by surprise, she would always be way too focused at her friends to realize he would be staring.
“You are not coming in?” her voice was soft.
She was still a little far away, some people looked at them for a few seconds and then turned around minding their own business.
“I already did. “
He reached in his jacked a box of chocolate frogs.
“No, to the leaky cauldron” she pointed besides him.
He shakes his head, bitting his lip he pu the chocolate box inside his jacket again.
“You know, if you stay here, you will freeze. “ she laughs a little, a small sound following a small cloud of smoke because of the cold.
“Come, I will buy you a drink! “
He was caugh by surprise, he lifts a eyebrow, not sure if she was joking or not.
“I won’t offer again.”
“Alright Granger, I guess a drink won’t hurt. “
He follows her inside, it was definitely more warmer than he expected, she was exactly 3 foots in front of him, and when she picked the booth, he noticed it was very far from the others.
“Wait here, I’ll get you a firewhiskey. “ she pointed to the seat and put her bags in there.
He came closer, now he could smell her perfume, it was sweet, almost like peaches and caramel.
“What will you drink? “he asked and she looked at him, she was way too close.
If he lifted his hand he would trace her freckles, for merlin, he wanted it so bad.
She didn’t answer, instead she turned her back and went to the bar to get their drinks, Draco took his jacket off and put by his side, casting a small charm on the jacket to became dry.
He lifts his head trying to find her at the bar but she was not there anymore, or he just couldn’t see her, his eyes flickered the crowd.
Ginny was talking with one of the parvall sisters, they hardly looked at his direction during class, the red haired one was the only who would talk to him sometimes.
“They don’t hate you.” Hermione’s voice came by his side, she put the glass in front of him and and sat across from him in the other both.
“I find it hard to believe.” Ginny looked up and gave him a soft smile, he gave one back.
“They hate the mark on you arm, they hate Fenrir greyback, they hate the ones who hurt them and their friends. “ she takes a drink of her firewhiskey. “But they don’t hate you.”
He saw her eyes trace his left arm that was supporting him on the table, Draco bites his lip and push it away from her sight.
“I don’t get it, I have the same mark, for a few moments I was on their si-..”
“For a few moments, exatcly, but you didn’t fough by their side, you didn’t lift your want at our faces.” She breaths out.
“I saw you, you know?” She said while Draco drinks the firewhiskey, it burns his throat. “In the war, I saw you looking for someone, did you ever found it? “
Draco stayed in silence, he did found who he was looking for.
When the battle was happening, he looked for her, everywere, in the classes, in the hallways, even on the pile of bodies, but when he found her, she was between the golden trio, Voldemort just had called for Harry to meet him in the woods to end this, and she had steps foward, she offered to go with him.
Her shoulders were straight and she had tears on her face, Ron came foward too and closes his hand with hers.
He hid for a while more, seeing Harry go after death.
She was his friend, she would’ve died for him, with him.
Draco never had that, nobody would die for him, or with him.
He was alone, he would always be.
“No, I never found who I was looking for.” He srhugs his shoulders, avoyding her gaze.
Hermione kept looking at him, studying him, it was really annoying.
“Why did you bough me a drink?” He asked.
“I didn’t wanted you to freze.”
“Hmpt.” He takes another sip, finishing it.” Not going to get frozen by the snow Granger, I thought you would be smarter than that.”
He gave her his best smirk, mocking her, and turned to grab his jacket, in a few seconds he was out of the booth, in the other her hand was holding his hand.
It was soft, small and really hot, for a second he really thought about not washing his hand anymore, but that would be disgusting.
He looked down at their hands, her whole body was turned to him and her left hand was holding his right, he noticed a small “M” with a little heart in it written in her hand, he would be lying if he said he saw that before.
“Please don’t go.” She still holds onto his hand, her touch firm against his. “ I wanted to talk to you.”
He still didn’t move, he feared that if he did she would drop his hand, he just looked at her.
“Please, Harry and Ron are not here anymore, and Ginny barely talks to me because I broke up with ron, I am alone, and I know you are too, so just….. please.”
“Who said I’m alone?” He asked, a little too rispidy than desired.
“No one, I saw it, do you think you are the only one who watches people?” She still was holding his hand.
“ What are you talking about?” He finally moved, and she dropped his hand.
He didn’t sit tho, he stayed standing besides her booth, her face was directly at his belly button.
“You know.” She slides a little, making space for him. “Please, Draco.”
He looks at her for a moment.
Her hair was a mess, as always, her brown curls moldes her face, and she was wearing a green turtle neck with dark jeans, if he didn’t know, he would said she was from slytherin.
He slide in the booth next to her, the moment the heat from her body hit him, he regretted it, but it would be too rude to move.
She takes a sip of her glass and offered to him, he take it, his was already finished and he didn’t wanted to get up, not after being finally this close to her.
The silence grew between them, but it wasn’t uncomfortable, it was in a certain way calming, he drank from her cup and then out it in front of her again.
“I didn’t know u liked firewhiskey.” His face turns to look at her.
“I didn’t either, guess being a war hero has its perks.” She lets out a soft smile.
“So does being a war villain.”
Putting her hair behind her ears, she looks up at him and their eyes meet.
“Will you shut it. “ she was serious now. “ Malfoy you are not a villain, you were just caught in the crossfire, yeah you made bad choices, but who hasn’t?.”
Before he could answer she kept going.
“I saw you, I was there, at the malfoy mannor, you could’ve said that was Harry and then the war would be over, we would’ve lost, but you didn’t, this doesn’t sound like a villain to me.”
The man was too stunned to speak.
“And I saw the way you looked after you father called, you had to choose, but did you really? They are your family for godric’s sake, you might not like it, but you love it regardless, you didn’t choose a side, they chose for you, you are not the villain Malfoy, a villain had a choice to make evil, you didn’t.”
“You have no idea what you are talking about.” He stole her glass, taking another sip and avoiding her gaze.
“Don’t I?” She reached for his hand and take of the glass, drinking this time. “You are such a jerk”
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me, you don’t accept the good in yourself because nobody ever told you had in you, but you do Draco.” She wets her lips. “ It is actually painful to see you like this.”
“And why exactly would you care?” He now was full facing her at the booth, one of his knees conectes with her hip. “You know shit Granger.”
“Oh really?” She turned to face him, their knees touching.
One of his arms were sitting besides her head, the other was on the table, her hands were in front of her gesticulating.
“Really!”
“So tell me Draco, where was I wrong?” She crossed her arms. “C’mon, tell me, did you chose to get the mark? Or that you chose to go where you went?”
He didn’t know what to respond.
“You are infuriating.”
He turns and grabs his jacket to leave.
She grabs his head with both of her hands.
“You think you are so much better than us, I see the way you look at me, at ginny, at everone, you pretend you are not hurt but you are, and so am I.”
He wanted to tell her to stop, to stop talking to him, to stop touching his face like he deserves mercy, like they were equals.
They were not equals, she was the golden girl, the war hero…. He was nothing.
He didn’t realize he had tears in his eyes, nobody ever showed so much mercy at him, it was painful, he didn’t deserved her words.
“Who hurted you this much? Who made you put your walls so high that you can see that you deserve good?”
Her eyes traces his face, memorizing the way his eyebrow furrowed, the way his silver eyes became even colder with tears, the way his lips stayed shut, like for her seeing him like this, would be the worst thing.
“You are wrong, I’m not good.” Said in between his teeth. “If you knew what I would have done, what I could’ve done, you wouldn’t be saying this things.”
Her hands were still on his face, forcing him to look at her, she wanted to see his pain, so he could see hers too.
“I think you are lying.” She said.
He snapped, pushing his head away from her hands.
“Fuck Granger, I would’ve killed everyone, anyone, who would’ve hurted you, at the battle I was looking for you, but before I looked for Bellatrix, I would’ve make her pay for putting those scars on your arm, I would’ve killed and hurted so many people if you went with Harry to voldemort.” She only looked at him. “You are right, I had a choice, but I don’t deserve your mercy, and neither your kindness, because I would’ve destroyed everything, if you were dead.”
He didn’t move, but he did avoided her gaze.
“Do you know why Ginny is not talking with me now?” Her voice was too soft, he hates it.
“I don’t know Granger, fuck tell me why your perfect life isn’t perfect anymore.” The sarcasm hurted.
“My life isn’t perfect Malfoy, I had to obliviate my parents so they couldn’t be used against me in the war, and now its too late and I can’t convert it.” He didn’t know that. “I have no one anymore, Harry was too deep in the auror program and Ron; I don’t even know anymore.” She wets her lip again, Draco notices it was a habit when she was anxious.
She breaths in. “Ginny is not talking with me anymore, because I broke up with ron because I wasn’t in love with him.”
His eyes followed her hands to the small “M” with a heart.
“You don’t scare me you know? I saw things like you did, I have scars on my body and in my mind.” He looked at her finally. “Harry might’ve been the choosen one in the profecy, but you are the choosen one for me.”
“Harry was a choice by fate, but could’ve been neville, Voldemort made a choice, he chose Harry.” His eyes were burning. “But you were forgotten, you wanted your father’s approval, but that doesn’t mean you chose to do the things you did;
You just wanted to be loved, to be seen.”
Her hands went to his face, cleaning a small tear that scaped his eyes, her nose was burning and small tears flicked at the corner of her eyes.
“I saw you Draco, I always seen you.”
Before she could continued, his lips were on hers.
It wasn’t the perfect kiss, it was wet by his tears, and they didn’t find the pace until a few seconds later, his left hand moldes on her neck when her tongue slipped between his soft lips.
He couldn’t believe what was happening.
He though he didn’t deserve of her mercy, but maybe he was wrong, maybe he was deserving of Hermione Granger love’s.
He would spend years looking at her, but she spent years looking at him.
She looked for him, she saw him, and most of it all, she loved him when he thought no one ever did.
Her hands went to his shirt pulling him close, her knees were over his and his right hand hugged her waist, pulling her even close, she had to put he hands on shoulders, almost hugging him.
They were broken, they went to the war in different sides, but with the same thought in their heads.
They were one even when they were separated.
So he did spend years looking at her.
He looks at her while she would be cooking dinner, or when she would walk up to him when they went on dates.
He looked at her when she god their first child, or when he castes his first patronus.
He would always be looking at her.
But she would always be looking at him too.