the opening feast
The great hall was filled with noise, chattering students—varying from polite mumblings to obnoxious laughter from poorly timed jokes—, and the scrapping and clattering of cutlery. It was just as James Potter had remembered his home away from home, loud and bustling with life—comforting and warm with it's bright atmosphere of candlelight and boyish grins. Of course, there was the small lining of darkness edging along the tapestries of the far windows, and making themselves known in dark circles under a few of his classmates eyes, but otherwise it was nonexistent. Hogwarts was safe, and no darkness could ever bring it to question otherwise.
At least that's what he told himself when feeling down in the dumps, or the sudden overwhelming guilt as he read the Daily Prophet's at home. Muggles and Muggleborn's killed in their beds in the dead of night, or new raids reported along heavily populated wizard and witch districts. The darkness was there, always lingering and stinking up the most pleasant of places, but Hogwarts was safe. It had to be. Besides, with Sirius at his side permanently since that summer, his best friend and brother for all intents and purposes, the darkness didn't seem quite so close to swallowing up all the joy in the world.
"You never did tell us what happened this summer on the train," Remus suddenly spoke from across the Gryffindor table, bringing up the heavily avoided topic of Sirius' placement with the Potters.
It wasn't surprising that the half-blood hadn't heard the news, as it was only circulated around the Ancient and Noble Pureblood House's for the most part— the news of the eldest son and heir of Black being disowned. Peter didn't know either, and because of it, James was unsurprised by the shorter and round faced boy sitting a tad straighter next to himself in interest. If there was one thing James disliked about his friends it was their observance skills—even if it was at times handy when it came to gossiping and pranks.
"Well y'know," Sirius brushed off, just like they both had done for the entire train ride to Hogwarts. Constantly brushing around the questions asked or switching the topic, if even it was glaringly obvious at times. "—the same usual shtick, Moony."
"Except for the fact that you arrived with James," Peter helpfully added with a wide grin. James wished the boy had kept his mouth shut, when Remus added on without a shred of tact to be found.
"And you don't look all bloodied up like usual from the holidays."
It was no hidden subject what went on at Grimmauld Place to the four boys, even the other occupants of Gryffindor tower knew some of the rough outlines on what went on. Glamour spells could only hide so much after all, and Sirius wasn't known for applying them back in their youth—nor did he cover up the bloodied trail with lies. If someone asked about them, he would always tell them exactly how he got them and then tact on a humourless joke. That was the way of Sirius Black and his horrible coping mechanisms.
That being said– bruises, black eyes and slice marks, turned scars along his back were a dead give away that Sirius didn't have a happy home life. Then there were the few Pureblooded families that could easily pick out the tremble left from a couple rounds of the Cruciatus curse. Safe to stay, most of the student body knew just how unhappy life as Sirius Black was back home, whether from the shaking hands or leftover injuries of the summer holidays.
It was for this reason that James wasn't exactly surprised that Remus and Peter picked up Sirius being more healthy than usual. There was no black eyes or residual tremble, no obvious pain winces or even the usual haunted look in his grey irises. For all intents and purposes, Sirius Black looked like he had enjoyed his summer for the first time in years. It was enough to make anyone suspicious really.
"Yeah well," Sirius huffed before wiggling his dark brows at the dusty-brown haired boy next to him with a shrug, "—let's just say I won't be going back to Grimmauld for a while."
Remus' eyes widened slightly, but just as he was about to speak, a loud call from down the table broke up the conversation from the curly haired and freckled face of Marlene McKinnon. James had always adored her impeccable timing, both on the Quidditch pitch as a Beater and off.
"Oi, James!"
Instantly, the topic was dropped and Sirius, like a switch was metaphorically flipped, became what most of the school choose to remember him as—a hormonal teenager, with an infectious smile and dazzling eyes. Most of the girls in and above their year and even a few boys thought him to be absolutely charming and devilishly good looking. James just though he looked like an idiot when he smirked and arched his brows like some Muggle rockstar.
"McKinnon, ravishing as ever." Sirius compliments with a smirk and a quick look over her robes from top to bottom that would have had any other girl blushing, but not Marlene McKinnon. "Tell me is that a new thing you did with your hair?"
"It's called a haircut perhaps you've heard of it?" Marlene remarked as she twirled a loose strand of hair between her fingers. Her once waist long hair had been cut jaggedly at her shoulders, James only noticed it once Sirius had pointed it out.
The glint of her cherry wood wand, which was tucked behind her left ear served as a nonverbal threat should Sirius try to say anything else. Marlene had always been the first to throw punches, it was what made Sirius so intrigued by her in the first place. James had never understood his interest in the fiery blonde with a silver tongue of insults.
"Or maybe not by that mane of locks on your head," She concluded with a triumphant smirk, before asking the other three boys in her year, "Good summer, boys?"
"Always." Peter replied, completely enamoured by her casual inquiry. Peter was easily impressed by the girl, as not only was she lethal but brilliantly pretty. James acknowledged this objectively but knew that Lily Evans would always be the most gorgeous girl to him. Even as she sat three seats away and morosely picked at her mashed potatoes.
Marlene was pretty, in a sort-of cherry bomb, blonde beauty, knock-out style. She was a leather jacket wearing, messy and wild blonde haired girl, who took crap from no one. She was an oddity in the fact that she despised all the typically girlish things girls liked too. She played rough—though she did had two older brothers— and she didn't care how she looked. Most days she forgot to run a brush through her curly hair, and was always running late to class, it drove Lily mad. Marlene was every bit a rebel as Sirius Black was. Perhaps, that was where the infatuation for his best friend laid—if Sirius couldn't date himself he'd attempt to date the next best thing. Which was the girl version of himself.
"Good, good." Marlene quipped, as she sandwiched herself next to James and Dorcas Meadowes.
She had previously been seated next to Lily but it seemed she had more important things to talk to James about than with the redheaded girl. Knowing Marlene, James expected it to either revolve around one of two things—gossip or Quidditch. Though usually James had to offer her some sort of deal for any gossip so he assumed it to be the latter as she was as mad about Quidditch as he was.
"Now James," she addressed as she reached forward and plucked a green bean slathered in melted butter off his plate and began to speak around her mouthful. "I suspect you heard but incase you didn't, Frank got Captain which means—,"
James groaned automatically, as he finished her sentence for her. "—that I'll be getting up at the ass crack of dawn for the rest of term."
"That we," she enunciated the last word particularly as she swallowed her mouthful and went to reach for another bean off his plate. James smacked her hand away as she prattled on "—will all get up at the ass crack of dawn for the rest of term."
"Anyway," She huffed, giving the dark haired boy a sharp glare as she pulled her hand back and licked the butter off her thumb. James could see Sirius practically drooling across from them at a complete loss of words. "—I've already been scoping out the competition and over the summer I practiced some feints too. I think we stand a good chance this year."
"We always stand a chance," James remarked confidently, gathering an eye roll from the girl as she then went on to scold him for his arrogance and later discuss the feints and manoeuvres she had learned over the summer.
Like most times when Quidditch was the centre of discussion, James completely ignored his surroundings and likewise the strange looks from his friends. It wouldn't be the first or the last time that Remus and Peter would confound themselves over how the preppy jock and rebel blonde managed to be such good friends outside the pitch. Remus often made quips in private that they were perfect for one another—completely besotted for a dangerous game on broomsticks with murder-balls.
This of course always sent Sirius pouting and needing words affirmation from their resident hype-man, Peter. If there was anyone who could cheer all four boys up when they thought the world was on fire, and turned on it's side, it was him. Peter always knew exactly what to say when it came to the strange concept of emotions and feelings—things most boys had no clue what to do about. Perhaps, it was being raised with three younger siblings that made him so good at it.
When the Quidditch talk hit a bit of a low, or when Marlene decided she was more interested in a roll with some jelly slathered onto it, than trying and failing to steal more beans from James plate, the messy haired boy glanced down the table. It was unsurprising that his eyes soon sought out Lily Evans, who looked to haven't managed a mouthful since his last glance at her.
His heart soared when he looked at her, with her bright like fire, red hair nearly tucked behind her pale ears, and her right hand pushing around the forgotten meal. She was beautiful, even when she was obviously upset about something or other. Something that which James simply couldn't ignore—Lily Evans simply wasn't allowed to be upset.
"What's up with Evans?" James spoke up out of the blue, his eyes never wavering from the beautiful girl three people down and across the table. Though he didn't see it, Marlene rolled her eyes and swallowed her last bit of roll roughly before replying simply.
"She had a bit of a rift with Black."
James eyes widened, as he shot a quick look to Sirius who was in a looking to be in a rather serious conversation with Remus. What could he have possibly said to her that had her so glum? Last he checked they weren't even on speaking terms—likewise for all the marauders excluding Remus. She always did like Remus, who was studious and calm—not rowdy and loud or troublesome like the rest of them.
Even Peter wasn't on good terms with her, though that was more likely because every time she tried to start a conversation with him he managed to stutter like a mad man, and usually tripped on something nearby. Peter was rather clumsy around girls who weren't like Marlene— he was so enamoured and terrified by her that he didn't trip himself up, most of the time anyway. It was a conundrum to most of the school how that worked.
"Sirius?" James asked completely thrown off course on how to react. On one hand he loved Sirius like his brother, and would literally commit a felony for him, while Lily—beautiful fiery and smart Lily Evans— was the woman who he was going to marry someday. Even if she didn't believe him when he told her... or proposed to her around fourteen times in fourth year.
"No, dingus. The other Black." Marlene insulted with a roll of her eyes, James pulled his eyes away from Sirius and Lily to better concentrate on what Marlene was about to tell him. He could tell from the way she glanced to each side that he was about to receive some rather juicy gossip more or less about what had his Lady Love so blue at the opening feast.
"Pardon?" He asked for clarification, his brows meeting in the middle. Last he checked, all of Sirius' cousins had graduated which left him as the only Black at school.
"You know," She insinuated with an elbow to his side before uttering like a whisper, "Regulus Black, Sirius' brother. Slytherin seeker."
Warning bells blared in James head as the memory of a small boy huddling in their compartment in his second year sprang to mind. How could he forget about the taboo subject of their house? No one talked about Regulus Black, as far as anyone in Gryffindor house was concerned he was dead or close enough too. Sirius didn't want anything to do with him—they were as estranged as two brothers could be. Even mentioning Sirius' younger brother in passing was a bad idea—usually ending with a trashed dorm room and Sirius cradling a bottle of firewhiskey late into the night.
It hadn't used to be like that of course, though after Regulus' sorting to Slytherin and effectively cutting off all ties between them, nothing but tiptoes and cutting remarks were spoken back and forth. James knew that Sirius still worried and cared for his brother, admittedly in a weird and kind of masochistic way— though most of that was the size of a quid compared to his anger surrounding his brother.
Sirius hated how Regulus was just like his family that tormented him day in and day out—that he was the perfect son who did exactly as he was told even when he knew it was wrong. Regulus despised how Sirius could just walk away, like they weren't family and that he simply couldn't be a proper heir to the Noble House of Black. That he was destined to be nothing but a blood-traitor in the eyes of their family.
It was bad blood between them—both literally and metaphorically. It was a miracle neither of them had ended up in the hospital wing last year from all the duels they had gotten into. Excluding the one time Sirius had aimed a bludger at his brother's arm in quidditch and instead concussed him for two weeks. If James was correct that would have been the last time they had even spoke a word to one another at school. That had been in March.
"Didn't you know they were friends?" Marlene suddenly asked, bringing James effectively out of his thoughts and back to the present. "They are the only two people that put up with Snape these days."
James, unable to find the right words in reply, simply shook his head no. He didn't make it habit to know what and who Regulus Black spoke with or what he did at Hogwarts. If Sirius didn't care then he didn't care—though perhaps he should have, seeing as Lily looked seconds from either crying or throwing a tantrum over what had conspired between the two. What was with her and befriending Slytherin's?
"Well, I guess their friendship or whatever you want to call it is on the down-low. Mostly because Lily is Muggle-born, of course." Marlene spoke simply, as if she were speaking about the weather rather than Regulus Black being just as stuck up and snobbish as the rest of his Pureblooded housemates. Oddly, it seemed fitting that he would be a blood purist too. James was really starting to feel a need to sort this whole mess out, and perhaps hex the youngest Black brother for whatever he did.
"Apparently, they argued over their summers." Marlene added with a shrug, as she gestured her head towards the red haired girl down the table who was now in fierce sounding debate with Alice Fortescue. She was a shorter girl, smooth black hair in a symmetrical cut bob, who was a year above them and dating their keeper and recently made Quidditch Captain, Frank Longbottom.
As James glanced the red-haired girl's way, Marlene continued to say what little she knew about the matter. "—Lily was in a right fit of anger over it all, though she seemed sad too. I stopped listening once she started arguing with Dorcas earlier though."
"Should I—?" James began to ask, already getting ready to leave his seat, before Marlene tugged him down. Sirius and Remus, quickly ended their conversation and turned their ears to the others. Peter stayed oblivious to the action as he picked his way through a large slice of cheesecake.
"Just leave her alone, James." She huffed, whilst hastily pulling him back onto the bench before he made an even larger scene "You know she's not interested and you'd set her off more likely than help at all. Just leave it."
"What's this?" Sirius suddenly spoke up, inserting himself into the conversation with a complete disregard to what it was actually concerning at the time.
Catching the drift of the conversation he had incidentally eavesdropped into because of Sirius, Remus added with a sigh of exasperation. "Is James already making plans on wooing Lily?"
"And without our oh-so-helpful advice!" Sirius exclaimed dramatically, as he winked at his best friend from across the table. "Really Prongs, I expected better of you."
James felt a blush begin at the tips of his ears and spread across his cheeks, as he mumbled half-heartedly. Normally their teasing didn't bother him, but knowing how carefully he had to navigate these waters due to Regulus being a part of them, guilt and shame filled his abdomen like chaotic butterflies. Frantically beating against his stomach walls, begging him to just come clean.
"Shut up, Padfoot."
Of course, Sirius didn't shut up in the slightest and instead started a long winded monologue on how this year would be James' year, that Lily Evans would finally give him the time of day. James hoped of course, but he wouldn't dare to hold his breath over it—it was getting a little ridiculous how invested his friends were into the plotting. Especially after he was rejected and turned down time after time. He wouldn't abandon hope though, as he knew that deep down Lily Evans was irrevocably in love with him—after all, love simply wasn't one sided and James knew with absolute certainty that he loved her.
It wasn't some crush like other boys got where their stomach pulled and they completely lost their wits about them. He wasn't infatuated with her either, despite what Remus said in the contrary. He loved her, like his mom loved his dad—completely and consumingly. James would go to the ends of the earth to see her smile, to watch her dance in the middle of the common room to some strange Muggle record. There was nothing he couldn't think of that he wouldn't do for her—he just loved her.
In the middle of Sirius' monologue of all the schemes to get Lily Evans to realize she was in love with James, the said girl suddenly spoke up—completely and utterly out of the blue.
It was no hidden secret that Lily Evans detested the marauders with the exception of Remus. She thought them to be troublesome, and ridiculous mayhem makers. She hated how they were loud and obnoxious at meal times, that they pulled pranks constantly that really weren't all that funny most of the time and that they were bullies—or at least in her eyes.
It made no sense to the Muggleborn witch why two of the most powerful boys in school and their trusty sidekicks had to go out of their way to bully her closest friend, even though he had done nothing to them. Severus, perhaps not the most friendly of sorts, had no real chance about getting back what little respect he had lost of his peers because of James Potter and Sirius Black. They had chosen an easy target, someone not from a wealthy family, someone who didn't have the means to fight back and relished in the attention they had gotten from it. It was sadistic and cruel, and Lily Evans couldn't help but hate them all for it—even if they were too dumb to realize the effect they had on others.
"Sirius," Lily addressed loudly at the table, effectively halting the few conversations around them, as they waited for the shouting match to begin. It was known equally as well that out of all the marauders, Lily was most hostile to Sirius Black. So for the Muggleborn witch to speak to him without a notable explanation, many were anxious to see what would come of it.
"Evans," Sirius greeted chipper as ever, effecting stopping his previous words as he grinned widely at the girl as he began to prattle onwards, "James was just talking about you—,"
"I couldn't give a damn what Potter was saying about me," Lily effecting cut off with sharp words, her eyes sending a sharp glare to the mentioned boy before adding on without pause. "I need to ask you a question– alone preferably. After dinner, if it suits you."
James felt his heart thunder up a storm in his chest. If she told Sirius about Regulus and his issues or whatever was going on between them, it would be the end to a clean dorm and a peaceful nights rest. James would be stuck playing nursemaid, and trying to keep a manic Black from going on a rampage of self-destructive behaviour. Well, James and Remus both truthfully—Peter would bring the snacks for comfort food. Surely, Evans knew not to speak about the younger Black brother, that it was the one topic and subject in the entire house to never bring up or speak about. It was as taboo as the dark wizards roaming about in the Wizarding World.
Sirius however, didn't take her offering seriously at all. Instead he took it as a joke with a horrid punchline and effectively tried once again to flip the script on her. It didn't work though, as Lily Evans was brilliant and not at all infatuated by Sirius like most of the female population of Hogwarts.
"If this is your way of smuggling me into a cupboard, Evans, I'm sorry to say but I'm not exactly into the ferocious red head sorts." He quipped with a smirk and dog like waffle of his brows.
James was seconds away from leaping across the table to stop his next words from leaving his tongue. He really ought to teach his best friend some social cues on when not to make a joke of something. Or to at the least filter his mouth to brain transaction's on information needing to be said out loud. "James, however—,"
"You absolute shoe brush!" Lily insulted before clamping her mouth shut for a moment and taking a few well needed breaths. It seemed her temper was far more shorter that evening than usual, though likewise was her refusal to backdown on speaking with Sirius in private. "Please, Black. It's important."
Sirius sighed dramatically in exasperation before attempting what James thought to be a way to let her down gently. "I'm sure you're..."
"Oh, you know what forget it!" She snapped like a rubber band pulled to tightly, as her cutlery clattered to the table as her hands went to fists. Even when angry James could only see her as beautiful—with the candlelight from above accentuating the sharp look in her emerald eyes. "Honestly, why for a second did I think you could be anything but a complete tosser!"
"Lily..." Alice Fortescue spoke up next to her in an attempt to calm her frustrated friend down, though she was efficiently shut down in an instant with a wave of Lily's hand.
"Fine," Lily Evans remarked cooly, with her tone cold and eyes like shards of broken bottles. "—if you don't want to speak it in private I'll say it loud and clear right now then."
It was in that moment it seemed that Sirius realized his mistake in assuming things, as the red haired girl leaned over the table, ignoring the people separating her from the disowned Black heir and began to rant in fury. James felt his heart palpitate far faster than normal, as Marlene cursed under her breath that this wasn't going to end well for anyone.
"I'm worried about your brother," She said stiffly, and it was then that the entire table of Gryffindor fell silent. It was noticeable in how the loudest sounds of the hall disappeared and other tables looked over too see what was transpiring. A fork or spoon could have been dropped and the sounds would echo in the room.
Though despite Lily Evans being the one speaking, James only had eyes for Sirius. Sirius, who had went an ashy white in complexion, and his jaw firmly clenched shut at her words. The only movement from his best friend was the tightening line of his lips, and the unfocused gaze of slate grey on emerald green. James Potter knew that if he glanced under the table his hands would be clenched in tight fists, and his toe would be tapping a strange and unidentifiable beat into the stone floors, but he didn't look. Because at any moment now Sirius would snap, he would fly completely off the handle and do one of two things—fight or flee. James wasn't exactly sure which he preferred as an outcome.
"You know," She pressed on with a sneer, like Sirius was the lowest of the low—like he wasn't justified in hating his brother so furiously and maybe he wasn't, but that was none of Lily Evans' business. That was no one's business but Sirius' and Regulus'. "—the one you confidently have written off as a bad sheep from the ever shitty flock of your so-called family. He bloody well looks one foot in the grave and that's without even bringing up his vagueness on what happened over the summer."
James wanted her to stop, she needed to stop. Sirius' eyes were flaring with rage and his jaw was starting to tick, even his facial expression couldn't be more filled with rage. Yet, she didn't, as if Lily Evans enjoyed prodding the sleeping dragon, enjoyed seeing his best friend writhe in agony over old hurts. James loved Lily Evans, that was no doubt, but I'm this moment be nearly hated her— especially when she concluded with her oh-so important inquiry of the day.
"So explain to me, Sirius Black," she seethed out his name like a vial of poison dropped on her tongue. "—why he looks like death warmed over and you seem to have spent the summer in paradise?"
Only two words left Sirius Black's tightly pinched mouth, sounding more like an order than a suggestion. Sirius was never firm or stern, he was always the jokester, the fun one—for him to sound so unlike himself was an obvious sign to tread lightly in such dangerous waters. These two words had Lily Evans reeling in both shock and anger, but not at all close to giving up her fight and point in the argument—she needed answers. Lily Evans was as Gryffindor as they come when it came to stubbornness and nerve, she wouldn't back down.
"Shut up."
"Excuse me?" She snipped back coldly, though before she could say anything more, Sirius fired up in a cold and clipped rage. It was in this moment that he truly lived up to his last name—gone was the bright red and burning hot anger that Sirius usually exhibited and in stepped the ice. Cold and unforgiving, with nothing to stop it from pulling it's victims under and drowning them without a sound to be heard.
"I said to shut up, Evans." He remarked, an edge creeping into his tone that James and all the other Gryffindor's had never heard before. "I couldn't give a damn how Regulus is feeling. He got what he always wanted, if anything he should be thanking me!"
His tone fell flat as it raised ever so slightly. A taunting, awful sound replaced his once immovable coldness that had seeped in, it was here that James began to worry. To worry about how Sirius actually was taking on all the changes that had come over the summer.
He never spoke of it, literally shut down when anyone had mentioned it at Potter Manor. James had thought he was managing fine more or less, that he was better off away from them and didn't have any feelings other than indifference left to feel for the family in Grimmauld Place. But this sudden change in demeanour, and the topics to which Lily Evans had brought up solidified just how wrong he was.
Sirius wasn't okay, he was very far from okay, especially in how he was dealing with the loss of his brother. Not that they hadn't been lost to one another for sometime, but now it must have clicked just how permanent it was. That Sirius and Regulus weren't brother's anymore—not really. Something must have happened between them before he left to make Sirius so angry, to make him become so cold to a girl he had no real issue with. Especially when he followed his previous words in the same manner, not bothering a glance to anyone but the redheaded girl.
"The perfect pureblooded heir of the Noble House of Black." He sneered, before tearing his eyes away as he lowly stated to the table more than anyone else listening in. It was only because he addressed Lily Evans that James knew he was even still speaking to her. "He wasn't the only one who had a shit summer, Evans. So piss off, and leave the prat alone."
The Gryffindor table was silent, not a single word spoken or a piece of food reached for. Everyone was in shock at the display, unsure on how to proceed, at least until Alice Fortescue whispered loudly in a scolding to the redheaded girl next to her, "I told you to leave it alone, Lily."
As if over the theatrics she had just exhibited and not about to prod the sleeping dragon any longer, Lily snipped back defensively, "Shut up, Alice."
As if the spell had been broken, the tension still there but otherwise ignored, conversations once again started up at the lion's table. James had many things he wanted to say to his best friend, but knew it was better left unsaid at the time—Sirius likely wanted to brood and interrupting said brooding was asking for a catastrophe. Though unable to stop the nagging feeling in his head, and the sudden shivers that filled his spine, James did something he had never done before that night. He chanced a glance over his shoulder to the Slytherin table, where he knew the youngest Black sat.
Most peculiarly, James wasn't the only one staring, as silvery-grey irises met hazel across the Great Hall. James quickly turned away as Regulus Black continued to pick at his meal, surrounded by strangers that he was ordered to befriend. Teenagers and children, all of them, shrouded in the darkness that edged along Hogwarts ancient halls.