the same confession again twice
Sirius couldn't remember the last time he kept a secret from James this long, and it was proving to be more difficult than he thought. He had always shared everything with James. He was the most honest person Sirius had ever met, which in turn made him extremely easy to talk to. Sirius thought it would be intimidating, but it really just made him want to tell James everything. The messy-haired boy had never experienced anything he thought worth hiding from his best friends,- and though that was probably due to his upbringing more than his character- Sirius found it rather admirable.
So yes, he was struggling. He felt terrible- the least he could do was give Remus time.
He would manage. It was for Moony. Whenever he was around James, A lot of the time, he found himself carefully tiptoeing around the subject of 'That night you sent me and Pete off to bed early.' As the other boy had referred to it, twice now. Sirius quickly shut it down both times.
If he ever felt like he was too close to giving up and spilling everything to his honorary brother, all he had to do was think about the vulnerable look on Remus' face, or the glossy sheen of his eyes, and he would be struck by an overwhelming desire to protect the boy. It made keeping one secret for him seem like an extremely small thing to offer. And, Remus would do the same for him. of course he would, Sirius thought. and he wouldn't think twice. Shame threatened to overtake him.
"One of these days, mate. I'm telling you, it's inevitable." James pulled him out of his thoughts, brow furrowed, looking less sure of himself than he sounded.
"'Course Prongs. From what I saw, she's already halfway in love with you!" Sirius drawled in response.
It was just the two boys in the dorm, and James had just been turned down by Lily, again. Apparently, she was nearing the end of her patience, because each rejection had been growing consistently more aggressive. This time, she had thumped James on the head with her Transfiguration textbook. Mcgonagall's textbooks were the thickest, and heaviest. Remus always complained that it made up half the weight of his book bag, yet refused to let anyone help him carry it. One time, they had been on their way to class; Remus was levitating the textbook, carrying all of his supplies, and trying to navigate the moving staircases all at once. First it was funny, but Sirius had eventually grown impatient and reached for the bag. He remembered the way his fingers had just brushed Remus', the faded scars on his knuckles-
"Wakey wakey Black!" James was waving his hand in front of Sirius' face. "Where'd you go?"
"Just tired." Sirius supplied, quickly, turning back to the patch of rug he had been facing, but not really looking at.
"Right." James pursed his lips and squinted at his friend, before speaking again. "What the hell is going on?"
Sirius snapped his head up. "What?!" Did James know about Remus? Surely not. He had been a very good secret keeper. Did he know about Sirius? That he had been feeling different lately... about Remus? No, no. Sirius ruled that out. He hadn't even figured that out himself.
"Come on, mate. You think I haven't noticed? You've been acting funny ever since that night you sent me and Pete off to bed early." Sirius opened his mouth to speak, but the other boy interrupted him. "I tried not to press you, figured if you're keeping something from me there's a good reason behind it-"
"I'm not keeping anything from you!"
"I'd say we're past that, wouldn't you? Is it Remus? Is he fine?"
Sirius lowered his head, hair falling like curtains around his face. "He's fine."
James bent down and tilted his head up at an attempt to meet his friend's gaze. "But it is to do with him?"
"Yes."
* * *
Remus woke up in the library, face buried in his textbook. Maybe a good time to stop studying, then. He ran a hand down his face and stood to make his way down to the portrait hole. He stopped short when he got to the dorm room entrance, there were two muffled, but very distinct voices coming from within.
"Lay off, would you?!"
"He's my best friend too, Sirius!"
"It's not my secret to tell, James!"
Oh.
Remus' stomach dropped. So that's what this was about. He wiped the sweat off his hands and stepped into the dorm room, trying to steady his breathing. Merlin, all he wanted to do was sleep. He considered just ignoring them, but he thought Sirius might cave soon, and he'd wanted to come out to James himself.
Both boys froze when they saw him. He cleared his throat. "Hey."
Sirius swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing. Remus tried not to stare.
"Hey, hi Moony. What's up?"
"I, er... just caught the end of your conversation there..."
James' eyes widened, "You don't have to tell me anything!"
Remus almost laughed in his face. You seemed pretty eager to hear about me a minute ago, Prongs. He didn't say anything. Instead, he simply exhaled and made his way to the nearest bed. (Which happened to be Sirius', weird!!)
Remus didn't plan on coming out to his friends this way. Actually, he hadn't planned on coming out to them at all, but sometime in the past month, he had begun to feel guilty. The other boys seemed to share so much of themselves, yet here he was, keeping a huge part of himself locked away. Remus didn't want to think of his gender as a huge part of himself, but he learned quickly that it was, and always would be. In the past, when he made new friends, he would tell them he was trans very nonchalantly, to eliminate the dramatic aspect. Because, he had told himself, it shouldn't be a big deal. But no matter how much he acted like it wasn't a big deal, it always seemed like one to everyone else. People would always look at him differently, people who had known him for years, searching for a feminine feature that might give him away. By some inexplicable force, Sirius had been overwhelmingly accepting when he found out. And while he assured Remus that James would react just as kindly, he was still anxious. I'll just get it over with, then, he thought.
"Get what over with?" James was looking at him, hazel eyes huge and earnest. Oops, he hadn't realized he'd said that aloud.
"James," he croaked. He cleared his throat and tried again. "James, I'm transgender. I was treated like a girl until I came to hogwarts."
The hazel eyes that had been staring at him so intently closed, and their owner sighed. "Bloody hell, Remus!"
Sirius looked stricken, but Remus spoke first. He had more experience with this, after all. "Listen, I'm really sorry-"
"You scared me!" James interrupted, flailing his arms, "I thought you were going to tell me you were dying, Moony! Merlins balls. But thank you! For telling me, I mean. I shouldn't blow it off..." He continued babbling for another solid minute, but Remus stopped listening. He was in shock. How did he ever get lucky enough to be friends with these two? He noticed the lack of noise coming from their direction and looked up at them. They were both watching him carefully, as if he was a toddler carrying a precious artifact. He sent them a reassuring smile, but then he realized something.
"Oh, bollocks." He stood up, "Can one of you tell Pete?"
They all began cackling at the purely bizarre timing of his question.
Sirius was the first one to speak up, gasping for air. He put a hand on Remus' shoulder, "Sorry love, that's on you." he said, still giggling lightly.
"Useless." Remus rolled his eyes, but his sharp tone was diminished by the shit-eating grin still plastered on his face.
As if summoned, Peter stepped through the door. "Hullo." When his friends just stared at him, he spoke up again, squinting. "I feel as though I have missed something very important."
They all burst into another fit of laughter.
When they had settled down again, Remus wiped his eyes. "If only you knew, Wormy."
Yeah, you're supposed to tell him, idiot, came a voice in the back of his head. Sirius nudged him with his elbow, nodding and smiling encouragingly.
"I'm trans," He blurted.
"...Alright."
"That's it?"
"Thank you for telling me, mate."
"You don't have any questions?"
"Do you want me to have questions?"
"Yes. Well, no. But I want you to ask questions if you have them."
"Hm..." Peter seemed to consider for a moment. "Does being trans make you fold your socks?"
Remus let out a surprised chuckle, "No, Wormtail."
"Oh, so that's just the way you are?" he smiled, teasingly, testing the waters.
"Bugger off." Remus laughed and pushed the Peter towards the bathroom. He went in and closed the door, still eyeing Remus mischievously.
Remus was elated. Now that all his closest friends knew, it felt like a thousand tons being lifted off his shoulders. It would take a while for him to get comfortable in their knowledge, though. He knew he would still be changing in the bathroom for a while. But even then, coming out could not have gone better. Remus had expected the worst, and received the best.
What more could a person ask for?