1979
31st December 1979
23:56
At first it was just a little sting.
A slight sharp sensation filling his lower arm for no apparent reason.
It didn’t seem serious so he ignored it.
He shouldn’t have.
It only got worse after that.
After about 40 seconds of the prickly feeling, the pain became searing.
Like something was trying to tear itself out from inside of him.
Something located directly underneath his soul mark.
Fuck.
Reg, what did you do?
Hanes winced in pain and tried to hold back the gasp as the sharp sensation only got worse, like the invisible knife was twisting in his arm.
He saw Sirius turn to him, the light of his wand illuminating the concern in his face.
‘You alright, Prongs? You sound…I don’t know. Pained?’
Reg please be okay.
Please be something else.
I knew something was wrong the last time I saw you.
Fuck, I wish I had asked.
What happened to you, my love?
‘Huh? No, no I’m fine. Just tired. I uh, I actually might go to bed now I think about it. I’m just…yeah, really tired, y’know?’
Sirius tilted his head and frowned. ‘Now? There are three minutes to go, mate. You’ll miss the fireworks! At least stay for them?’
He wanted to. Kind of.
It wouldn’t feel right if he did. Smiling and cheering at the beautiful lights in the sky would feel wrong knowing that something horrible could have happened to Reg. His Reg.
He knew that I’d he stayed, he wouldn’t be able to refrain from letting his gaze drift over to a single star in the sky just a short distance away. He wouldn’t have a choice. He’s memorised where it was each month to impress Reg and he knew that if he let them, his eyes would find it bc and he wouldn’t be able to keep himself together.
Regulus might be gone,
James was going to break.
And he would much rather do it without Sirius watching.
‘Sorry, I just haven’t slept too well the past two days, I’ve been worried about everything and I think I might actually pass out if I don’t go to bed right now. Sorry.’
That only seemed to panic Sirius even more. ‘Shit. Do you want me to come with you? To make sure you get there oka-‘
‘No!’ Fuck, he answered too quickly. Now Sirius would definitely know something was wrong. ‘No. I don’t want you to miss out on the fireworks because of me. It’s the start of a new decade! You should celebrate it properly. Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine, I’m hardly going to die at 19, am I?
Regulus might have just died at 18.
Shut up shut up shut up.
‘I’ll go with you. I was gonna grab a drink anyway so it doesn’t make a difference to me. I’ll be back in time for the second half of the fireworks, I’m sure.’ Remus stepped forward and took hold of James’ arm, thought luckily not the one that was throbbing and shot him a questioning look.
James looked away and took in a deep breath, trying to bring out that fake smile he had perfected after years of being the perfect, never sad friend. ‘Well, I’ll see you next decade, boys!’
Both Sirius and Pete looked skeptical but nodded goodbye nonetheless.
23:59
When they got upstairs to the room James stayed in when he was visiting Sirius and Remus, he sat down slowly on the bed and watched as Remus did the same, sitting next to him.
His arm was still in agony, it seemed that it was now worse than before.
‘What’s going on?’
James ignored him and clenched his eyes shut for a few moments, then opened them slowly as he pulled up the edge of his sleeve to look at his soul mark underneath, silently praying that those three swirling letters were still there.
Fuck.
This was a dream.
This wasn’t real.
Wake up James.
Wake up.
Where there were usually stark white letters, standing out beautifully against the dark skin of his arm, there was now a gap he had not seen since the day before his fifteenth birthday. The R and A were completely gone and he watched as the B started rapidly disappearing too.
He couldn’t look away from his arm, couldn’t look at his friend, who was probably just as shocked as he was.
He felt Remus shiver next to him and reach out to touch the clear skin on James’ arm.
‘Shit, James. I’m so sorry.’ Remus pulled back and sighed pitifully. ‘Shit.’ Jane only nodded.
He didn’t even think about it, but James felt the words leave his mouth, hanging cruelly in the air between them, almost more painful than the stabbing feeling in his arm.
00:00
‘Regulus is dead.’
The timing was almost cynical.
As he said it, James heard his other friends, along with the neighbours, cheering at the top of their lungs as the fireworks began and the church bell two streets down rang through the neighbourhood.
At the same moment, the pain stopped. But this was worse than the pain. He knew at that moment that the connection had been severed. Not the connection they had shared, no, Regulus would always be his soulmate, alive or dead. No, he felt the way they had been torn apart as they were thrown into two different worlds without each other. It was empty and it was sickening and James didn’t think he would ever recover from it.
Slowly, as though he needed to savour the moments before this, he looked down at his arm.
It was blank.
Reg, fuck Reg. Why? Why did you go now? We were going to go down together, remember? Never apart, you said.
What changed?
Why are you gone now?
What did you do?
What have you seen?
Why did I have to find out like this?
Why…
He heard Remus get up to leave him alone with this news but called out before he could leave the room.
‘Remus?’ He sounded so weak. Pathetic. This is what Regulus did to him.
‘Yes?’
‘Where do I go from here?’
He didn’t expect Remus to know. He still had his soulmate, how would he know what it was like? Still, James was slightly disappointed when he sighed and responded quietly with. ‘I don’t know…’
They stayed without speaking for a few moments, the fireworks still going off in the background, before Remus continued.
‘Maybe you could finally start seeing Lily? You know she likes y-‘
‘Moony.’
‘Yeah, no sorry, not the time’
He heard Remus leave and stared blankly at the skin on his arm. It was so bare.
I love you Reg.
I love you so much.
So why are you gone?
Did someone hurt you?
Did you choose this?
Was any of this my fault?
I love you, I love you, I love you…
-
1994
Sirius walked into the kitchen with his held held slightly higher than usual and a stubborn look on his face.
‘Hello Remus, Harry. I was hoping we could resume our cis conversation from last week?’
Remus looked at him skeptically, then gestures towards a seat. Sirius sat.
‘So, finally ready to talk like a reasonable adult, Sirius?’
‘Yes…so…I’ve realised…that’s why James left on New Year’s Day in such a fuss after declaring he was fine? Because he lost his mark. And I didn’t know. He left because Reg died.’
Remus paused. ‘Yes.’