Sirius was in the middle of a crisis.
An oh shit I'm in love with my best friend kind of crisis.
And to make matters worse he was stuck in small supply closet somewhere on the fourth floor with said best friend.
It was nearly pitch black, only the light coming from through the gap between the floor and the door making it into the small room. Sirius could feel Remus standing across from him, hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. He was acutely aware of how close they were, if he just leaned forward his lips would land perfectly land on Remus's. But no--he stopped the thought immediately and filed it away under: thoughts you absolutely cannot be having while stuck in close quarters with hot best friend. He leaned against the wall behind him in an attempt to put as much space between the two of them as he could, though the toes of his shoes were still meeting the ends of Remus's beat up brown boots.
"I'm going to fucking kill James." Remus muttered underneath his breath as he stood up straight and pressed his ear against the old wooden door. Sirius couldn't say he disagreed. James had been so sure that his plan would work seamlessly, and the Slytherins would all wake up with their skin dyed pink. But instead, they ended up running out from the dungeons with Filch and his despicable cat at their heels. They'd gotten split up from James and Peter a few floors below, both the Map and the cloak in their more fortunate friends' possession.
"You'd have to get in line."
Remus made a sound that could have been a laugh before whispering, "I think someone's coming."
Sirius' eyes widened as he shoved Remus back from the door so he could press his own ear against it. Sure enough the sound of two pairs of shoes--one loud and sharp sounding against the marble floors, the other fast and uneven--making their way down the hallway, closer to their temporary hiding place.
He quickly pulled back from the door and once against pressed his back against the wall. He raised one finger to his lips, although unnecessary, since Remus surely understood that they needed to be quiet, and he couldn't even see him.
"--I swear they went this way." Said the muffled voice of what Sirius could recognize as Filch from right outside the door.
"Are you sure?" came another voice, one he couldn't place.
Filch scoffed, "Yes. Yes I am sure."
"It's late, I'm tired, good luck finding them Argus. I'm going to bed." the sharp clacks of heeled shoes receded down the corridor until they couldn't be heard anymore before Filch could even respond.
Sirius nearly jumped as a callused hand wrapped around his own, before intertwining their fingers. His heart rate increased so fast it mustn't have been healthy, he was grateful for the darkness that hid his surely red cheeks from Remus.
Remus squeezed his hand once as Filch's heavy footsteps suddenly sounded much closer than before. "They're probably in here."
Sirius barely had time to think oh shit before the doorknob was rattling, followed by a curse and the sound of rattling keys. But before the key ever made into the door the Fates decided that they were on their side, and sent Sirius and Remus a Savior in the form of a scared little second year.
"Mr. Filch?" a timid voice interrupted Filch as tried to find the right key.
Sirius clenched Remus's hand tightly as Filch grunted an irritated, "What?"
"Um--uh, Peeves, he um, well he--"
"Spit it out."
"He hung three first years on the chandelier on the floor below." the little boy's voice answered quietly.
Sirius could picture the anger that always seemed at home on Filch's face. "PEEVES!" he bellowed as he starting running down the corridor, hopefully forgetting about the closet he was supposed to be opening.
Sirius held his breath and counted to three before he leaned against the door, once again listening for anything or anyone on the other side.
"I think we're good." he whispered after a few moments of silence.
Remus sagged against the wall, "That was close."
That was the understatement of the century.
Sirius slowly opened the door, looking both ways down the empty corridor before finally emerging from the closet, pulling Remus with him.
He's still holding my hand, he's still holding my hand, his hand is in mine, his hand--
"We should get back to the dormitory." Remus said as he straightened out his robes.
Sirius coughed, "That would probably be a good idea."
Their walk back to Gryffindor tower was relatively quiet. No teachers, no evil caretakers and cats that were the product of satan himself. But all Sirius could think about was the fact that his left hand was still clutched tightly in Remus' right. If it weren't for Remus dragging him along, he was sure that he would have gotten lost. His brain was stuck on the feeling of Remus' slightly bigger hand in his, not leaving any room to think of things like directions.
Before he knew it they were in front of the Fat Lady, Remus was saying, "Dilligrout," and he was being pulled into the common room.
Only a few drained looking fifth years studying for their O.W.L.S still remained, plus a harried looking Marlene hunched over a parchment at the table closest to the fire. She lifted her head at the sound of the two boys coming in, then raised her eyebrows at the sight of the joined hands. Sirius quickly felt his face heat up and pulled his hand from Remus' and stuffed it into his robes. Which only caused for Marlene's eyebrows to climb even higher, and for Remus to tilt his head in confusion looking mildly hurt.
Sirius turned away from Remus, guilt and shame creeping up his spine. "You alright, Marls?"
She studied him for a second before answering, "Just this stupid potions essay."
"Here," Remus said as he rifled through his bag and held out his own essay, "Take a look at mine."
He walked over to Marlene's table and she took it from his outstretched hand with a smile. "Thanks love, you're the best." she said before standing on her tiptoes and giving Remus a kiss on the cheek, followed by a pointed look in Sirius' direction.
Remus smiled at her weakly before turning to Sirius. He wasn't making eye contact, gaze fixed somewhere near Sirius' right shoulder. "I'm going to head up." he said, gesturing towards the staircase to their room. He waited a second before quickly making his way up the stairs and out of sight.
Sirius waited till he heard the door shut before he closed his eyes and let out a strained sigh. There was this thing between them that he just couldn't figure out. And Sirius hated not knowing things.
"You're both idiots." Marlene stated as she settled back at her table.
Sirius huffed and sat across from her, pulling his knees to his chest.
"You need to sort your shit out," she continued, "I am thoroughly done with this sad, lovesick, pining thing the two of you have going on."
Sirius sat up straighter immediately, dropping his feet to the ground. "What are you talking about?"
She didn't respond right away, she just looked at him with slightly narrowed eyes. "You like him don't you." It was a question, though she phrased it more as a fact.
"I--"
"Like, like like him."
Sirius froze, mouth slightly open as he tried to say yes, of course, how could I not like him! but his jaw refused to move. He had never told anyone about his growing feelings for Remus. Not even James. He had wanted to, he had planned to so many times, but it was just so hard.
"Yes," he finally whispered. He looked down to where his fingers were nervously fiddling with the hem of his sleeves. Anywhere but Marlene.
He heard her sigh, then felt a strong hand move to his chin, lifting his head to meet her gaze. "It's okay, Sirius."
He felt like crying. Melting into a puddle of pathetic tears on the common room floor.
Marlene removed her hand from his face, "I am in love with Dorcas."
Sirius blinked at the sudden change of subject, "What?"
She took a deep breath and schooled her features into a mask of stoicism, but it was clear she was nervous. "I'm in love with Dorcas."
Sirius smiled, "That's great Marlene." It all made sense, of course she loved Dorcas. Now that he knew, he couldn't help but think how obvious it was.
She smiled back, a little shyly at first, such a stark contrast from her usual confident and strong self. "I figured I could tell you. I don't know, I guess, I really wanted to tell someone. I wanted to tell you." she tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear before continuing, "It took me a long time to come to terms with it, you know, liking another girl. It's not something I grew up thinking was okay. But all those people who would hate me just because of who I love, they are wrong. How can loving someone as beautiful and kind as Dorcas be wrong?"
She paused for a second and took Sirius' hand on the table between them, the same hand Remus had held just minutes before.
"Love is a wonderful thing that should be celebrated. No matter who loves who, do you understand me?"
There was an intensity in her blue eyes that Sirius had never seen before.
He nodded and she squeezed his hand.
"Sirius, it's okay."
~~~
After crying in front of Marlene for an embarrassingly long amount of time Sirius finally made his way up to the dormitory.
"What took you so long? Moony's been back for ages." Peter asked as soon as he stepped into the room. "He said you hid out in a closet."
Sirius shrugged and shuffled over to his bed, "Just talking to Marlene." He noted the curtains to Remus' bed were firmly shut.
Peter made a sound of understanding and returned to whatever he had been working on before, most likely the same potions essay as Marlene.
Using his Sirius is sad radar (as Peter had dubbed it) James poked his head out of the bathroom and searched the room for Sirius, before landing on him kicking off his shoes to get in bed. He quickly walked over, clad in only a blue towel wrapped around his waist, and sat down next to him on the edge of the bed.
"Are you okay?"
"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes." he tried for a joke.
James' lips quirked up an infinitesimal amount, before he furrowed his eyebrows and concern took over his features once again. "What's wrong?"
Sirius leaned lightly into James' shoulder, who took the invitation and wrapped an arm around him. "Can I tell you tomorrow?"
James tightened his grip on his arm and smiled, "Of course."
"Thank you."
James pressed a sloppy kiss to his cheek and gave Sirius one of his true genuine smiles, the ones that he only shared with his closest friends, and Sirius couldn't help but smile back.
Half an hour later all the lights were out, only the sounds of Peter's rough snoring and James' incoherent mumbling filling the room.
Sirius was still awake.
And he could tell Remus was too.
He wanted to walk the short distance to the other boy's bed, rip open the curtains and tell him how he felt, maybe even kiss him. But he didn't. He stayed put in his own bed, twisting and turning in his too hot then too cold covers, till he eventually fell into a restless sleep.
~~~
Sirius had been trying to find a moment to talk to Remus alone all day, but he was beginning to think it would be impossible.
In a bizarre turn of events Remus had been early to breakfast alongside James, leaving Peter and Sirius to scramble into the Great Hall in the last ten minutes to stuff their faces before class. First class of the day was Transfiguration, where Sirius somehow ended up being partners with Lily (much to James’ envy) who actually made him get his work done. Next was Muggle Studies, a class he didn’t share with Remus, but with James.
They sat on the far left side of the room at the desk closest to the door. Splotches of ink littered the wooden surface from their many games of tic-tac-toe on previous days.
Professor Hanlon had just started to describe the House of Commons when James leaned over and whispered in Sirius’ ear, “How are you doing?”
He shrugged, purposely looking down at the blank parchment he was supposed to be taking notes on.
James shifted his chair closer and poked him in the side, "I'm always here, you know? You don't have to tell me whatever is going on, but if you want to, you can always talk to me."
Sirius smiled, "I know," he leaned his head onto James' shoulder, "thank you."
"Of course." he said it like it was the easiest thing in the world.
~~~
By some miracle Sirius ended up alone with Remus in the dorm room that night. He had been studying in the common room with James, Peter, and Mary (Mary was the only one who got anything done), when Remus came through portrait hole. He sent their group a smile and a small wave, then proceeded upstairs.
Sirius ached to follow him.
He was able to wait around twenty minutes before his resolve broke, giving some lame excuse to his friends about being tired and heading up the stairs. Remus was sprawled on his bed, one leg folded to prop his book up, the other hanging off the side. He startled as the door opened, then quickly focused back on his book, obviously avoiding Sirius as he walked in and shut the door.
He awkwardly stood in front of the door and tried to take a few deep breaths. He could do this. Totally. Definitely not.
He finally moved, standing at the foot of Remus' bed, who followed his movements with wide eyes. "Remus. I--"
"I'm so sorry."
"--wanted to tell you, wait what?"
Remus sat up and put his book aside. "I'm sorry." he repeated again.
Sirius didn't have the faintest idea what he was apologizing for. "For what?"
"For making you uncomfortable," he answered while fiddling with the cuff of his sweater, "Yesterday. When I held your hand."
"You didn't make me uncomfortable." Sirius managed to say.
"But you--it seemed like it did."
"Well, it didn't."
"Oh. Okay."
Here goes nothing.
"I liked it."
Remus snapped his head up, "What?"
"I like holding your hand." Sirius' face was beet red, he was sure of it. This was quite possibly the most mortifying and embarrassing moment in his life, and that's saying something.
Remus blinked. Once. Twice.
Sirius couldn't take it anymore, Remus seemed rooted to the spot. "Well, uh, I'm going to head back downstairs." he said, but made no move to leave.
Remus suddenly hopped up and stood in front of Sirius, their toes touching.
"I like holding your hand too." he said, smiling nervously.
"Can I kiss you?" Sirius blurted out.
Remus answered him by closing the distance between them, their lips meeting in the middle.
The kiss was clumsy and delicate, their noses bumped against each other, but it was perfect. Sirius wished he could bottle up this feeling in a jar and carry it with him forever.
He smiled as they seperated for air and rested his forehead against Remus'.
"You know," Remus began softly, "I was stressing over it all day, holding your hand. I thought I broke something between us."
Sirius took both of Remus' hands in his own and held them between their chests. "You can always hold my hand."