What in the actual fuck am I doing. That is the only thought running through my head and has been all morning. I woke up this morning, said to myself Yeah Remus, go to Sirius’ wedding and sit there and pretend like he’s not the love of your life. Now, i know i have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but one thing that I have always been sure of, is my love for Sirius. So why am I here, why in the actual fuck is he getting married, to a woman no less, and why the hell hasn’t James or Peter or me for that matter slapped the daylights out of him when that man is clearly as gay as the day is long. Like he obviously seems to care for Mary and that’s understandable, we all care about her she’s out friend. But Sirius doesn’t look at her like he does at Remus. He doesn’t shoot those longing glances across crowded rooms at Mary, they’re for Remus and Remus only. All those nights spent in bed together, whispers of being together forever and shared kisses under the covers, how could it all have gone up in smoke. How could Sirius just wake up one day and act as if what he and Remus had wasn’t fire, wasn’t the closet thing to feeling alive and loved they both had every felt. How could Sirius just stop loving Remus the way Remus loves him.
James, Pete, and I are standing in the back room of this church waiting for Sirius to finish getting ready. His family is just standing around fussing about and yelling at the caterers with all the entitlement one could possibly possess. Honestly it's a wonder Sirius isn’t more like them, he’d like to think the maradurders had a hand at that. I’ll say something right here and now, I never thought I would see the day where Wallaburga was attending her sons wedding with a hint of a smile on her face, let alone wearing pastels at Marys request. Remus might not be happy about this wedding, but he’d have to thank Mary for putting old Wally in that getup. Regulus’ attire honestly wasn’t any better. Reg stalks into the room in a pastel blue suit looking as if he’d rather be dead than be wearing that monstrosity and at this cursed wedding.
I glanced over at James and saw his eyes soften when he spotted Reg. James called him over to talk, but I could tell he just wanted to be close. I could tell he missed him and being in this room where he couldn’t touch just admire was making him lose it. At least James got to be with Reg at the end of the day. At the end of Remus’ day, he’ll be tragically alone forever because he’s so stupid and busy falling for the pretty rich boy with grey eyes and high cheek bones that he never bothered to give anyone else a second glance, and now the love of his life his getting married. Because fucking obviously. If there is ever one constant in Remus’ life, it's that he is unlucky.
I’m pulled away from my depression spiral of thoughts when I hear my name being called. “What” I say with more bite than intended.
Reg gives me an amused look. “Damn someones cranky. I just wanted to say Sirius is going to be out in a second so any last touch ups to anything need to be done now”
I sigh and rub my face in my hand. “Yeah. Okay. Thanks Reggie.” I can see the concerned look out the corner of my eye that James is giving me. I look over and give him a look to say “what the fuck do you want”. He furrows his eyebrows and gestures his head to the door that leads out back of the church. He gets up and goes out before I can ask what he wants. Im assuming he wants me to follow, so I excuse myself and follow him through the door. I see him standing against the brick wall, hands on hips looking very much like his mother.
“What do you want James? We need to go back in soon so we don’t miss out cue to go up or worry Sirius” I say all of this trying to distract myself from the look James hasn’t stopped giving me all day. “Just say what you want James.”
James finally begins to speak. “What the fuck are you doing!”
I was taken aback. Where in the hell did this even come from. “What the hell are you on about Prongs.”
He just gives me that damed look again. The look at says I know something you don’t know. “You know very well what I’m on about. You’ve been in a daze everyday since Sirius told us he was engaged, and even worse since this morning. Rem I can see the heartbreak a mile away. Why are you letting Sirius get away with this.”
That…that I was not expecting to come out of his mouth. My shock must have been evident on my face as James begins talking again.
“You both are not as subtle as you think. You think that me and Pete couldn’t hear the two of you giggling and kissing all night long and the way you two touch so often. The way he only cares about you option or how only you can get through to him in his dark moods. Rem I can see the way you two look at each other, like you both can’t breath without each other in the room, like if you never got to see him again it would tear you to shreds.” Tears are starting to well in my eyes. “Look Moony, I’m not mad you didn’t tell me but what the hell happened to make him go and get married, and why are you just standing by letting it happen.”
It was about this point the tears were starting to freely flow down my face. “Fuck Prongs. I don’t know. We were happy, I thought, and then one day he just told me he was done playing pretend with me and needed to get for real about his future and a day later he was dating Mary. Mate it fucking destroyed me but he had obviously made his choice and it wasn’t me. I wasn’t going to be the dick who couldn’t let it go so I let him go be happy.”
Prongs’ face changed to one of pity. “Oh god Moony. I’m sorry but I have to be honest, do you think he really wants to get married to Mary? I see the way he looks at you and I can’t say that I’d be shocked if he ran away at the alter. I have one question for you though. Do you love him? like really truly love him?”
I don’t even hesitate before saying “yes. I can’t live without him Jamie.”
I see James smile at me as he says “Then get you man. Stop this stupid wedding and go get him. Be happy Rem. If anyone deserves a happy ending, it’s you and him.”
I look uncertainly at him for a moment, but quickly realize he’s right. I do not want to live another day without Sirius in my life, without Sirius realizing just how deeply and stupidly in love I am with him. “Fuck. You’re right. I gotta do something.”
James gives me a clap on the shoulder and says “Go get your man, Loverboy.”
I run back into the door to run right into a hard chest. “Fuck mate, Im so sorry.”
I look and see myself staring right into beautiful grey eyes. Shit he’s pretty. Merlin whys he got to be so damn stunning. Sirius just laughs at me.
“I was wondering where you ran off too Moony. I was started to get worried.”
My stupid brain won’t let me get a word out. Its like I have so much to say that absolutely nothing comes out and I’m standing here like a freak staring.
“You okay Rem?” Sirius asks with concern lacing his voice.
Just as I’m about to respond, Wally pull Sirius away as it’s time for him to get to the alter. Remus can do nothing but stare after him. Sirius throws him a concerned look over his shoulder before he’s dragged though the door by his mother out to his wedding. Fuck. Sirius’ wedding. How could he ever think to be so selfish as to ruin his day and make it about himself. Sirius wouldn’t be getting married right now if he didn’t want to. Right? Fuck my head hurts. Before he can dwell more, he’s getting pulled by Prongs down the hall where the ceremony is being held. James whispers to him as they walk “I’m guessing you didn’t tell him then?”
I shoot him a glare. “Obviously not Jamie as we are walking to the wedding as we speak.” I can see the look James is giving me, one of annoyance and pity mixed into one. I do not appreciate it. “Look Prongs Im working on it. I ran into him and his eyes were just right there and Merlin its hard to look away and I couldn’t speak and then he was gone.” I slump and I hear James start to laugh a little.
“Merlin, you really do got it bad.” I hit him upside the head. He deserves it. But he’s not wrong. I keep walking, choosing to ignore his comment.
We make it to the church hall and make our way in a line next to Sirius, with James being his best man so right next to him and then Remus and then Peter on the end who honestly looked as if he had never been happier.
I thought I would have a moment to think of a plan about what to say before the wedding started, but obviously, like always, luck was not on my side. The organ starts playing a song that sounds strikingly like a death march and here comes Mary in her dress that is way too puffy and kind of makes her look like some type of pastry. He looks over at Sirius and he’s not looking at Mary, he’s look at me. Sirius is not looking at his admittedly very beauty wife to be, he’s looking at me. Holy Merlin and Morgana I am so fucked. He’s giving me a look like he’s waiting on me to do something, like I’m the one who put us in this situation. He has to want that to be me right? Like why is he looking at me right now. I give him a sad look and he just turns to finally look at Mary.
I zone out after that. I can only focus on how his Sirius is holding someone else’s hands at an alter, how that look Sirius gave him gave him more hope than he should ever have in this situation. He continued to work himself up when he hears the priest say “Speak now or forever hold your peace”. Those were the first worlds that rang clear in Remus’ ming the whole ceremony. In this moment, I know i have a choice. Be forever longing for a boy I know loves me back regret not saying anything, or take a chance he’ll never talk to me again but at least have tried. I know with resounding clarity what I want.
“I object” It comes out of my mouth before I even process what all I was even going to say. A collective gasp breaks out around the room, and my eyes widen realizing I am going to have to speak now. Everyone is looking a me and I gather every ounce of courage in my body and look Sirius in the eye. I dare day it looks like hope in them.
I start speaking and it all just starts tumbling out, “Sirius. I love you. I love you so much that I don’t think words could ever describe how much you mean to me. You broke my heart, like truly ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it for good measure when you went to be with Mary. No offense Mary I love you dearly. But Sirius you just left without telling me why and I wake up everyday and know that the sun just doesn’t shine as bright as when you’re next to me. Breathing is hard when your oxygen isn’t combining with mine because you’re so far away. Sirius when you’re with me I feel like I am on fire with love and passion and I don’t know if you feel the same way, but goddamnit I couldn’t let you get married without you knowing that my world just isn’t the same when I wake up and you’re not in my bed, when I know you’re with her. Look, I not the the type of person to ruin a happy day, and if that’s what this is for you, if you are truly happy with her and want to be with her then i will go and never bother you again. But please, tell me you love me too because I really think you do, and you’re not the kind of guy who should be marrying the wrong girl. So as embarrassing as this is, I’ll ask it once. Will you say no, and love me, be with me, and run away with me right now.”
By the end of the speech, I had tears running all down my face, and so many dirty looks being thrown my way I could have fallen dead on the spot. But they didn’t matter. Sirius is what mattered and from the teary eyed smile I was getting from him, Id say I made a good choice.
“Fuck Re. Yes Merlin I am so in love with you. Lets go.” Before I can process it, weren’t out back behind the church, and his lips are on mine in a second. Its a rough and bruising kiss that takes the wind out of my chest, its everything, its fire.
Srius pulls away, lips red and swollen. “Lets get out of here, yeah?”
I smile and take his hand into mine. “Yeah. Lets go. I think pitchforks will be after us soon if we don’t bolt.” They both laugh and share another quick kiss for they walk into the direction of home. They don’t know what going to happen yet, but they do know that they love each other, and right now that’s more than enough.