Chapter 5
“James is… quite a character.” Sirius smirks as they walk down the dimly lit street after the birthday dinner.
“An understatement. But he’s an incredible friend.” Remus confirms, scuffing leaves and kicking twigs away with his leather boots.
Sirius moves his coat further up to his neck and shivers.
“You cold?” Remus asks.
“Very. Not used to walking places.”
“More used to be chauffeured everywhere you go?” Remus elbows him lightly, smirking at his own joke.
“Yes, actually. At least the drivers don’t hit me.”
“You need someone to humble you occasionally.”
Sirius smiles, almost privately, causing Remus to feel rude for having witnessed it.
“Can i ask you a question?” Remus attempts, confidence rising.
“Sure. Might not answer though.” Sirius grins again.
“If you could go back to your sixteen year old self, would you tell him to go down a different path?”
I can’t pretend that i have never had doubts. The movie business has never been pretty, and i’m constantly struggling to decide if it’s worth it. Making films is what i love, but will the effort make a difference in the long run? No harm in asking someone who knows the truth.
“Never knew Remus Lupin was such a deep talker.” Sirius observes, brain clearly ticking away on whether he wants to answer it or not.
“You have known me for a total of two days, the real Remus hasn’t come to play yet.”
“Let me know when i’m allowed to meet him.” Sirius continues to walk beside him, his hand inches away from Remus’ as they swing in synch. “If i could go back… i would do what my brother did.”
Remus’ eyebrows shoot up in surprise of his response. And how it genuinely sounds like the truth.
He’s never spoken about his brother to the public. It’s the one subject that his parents have never let him reveal.
“Regulus got out early. He’s an artist working in some corner of the world, drawing whatever he sees, thinks, or hears. He’s free. Broke as hell without the cursed Black fortune, but happy. I can’t draw shit, but i would be my own person at least. That’s what i would tell my younger self. To get out as quickly as possible.”
“I-“ Remus stutters, not finding any reply appropriate.
“Not what you were expecting? That being in the spotlight isn’t what it’s deemed to be? I noticed how you stared at me when i told the entire table about my life in this business. The control of my parents, them tracing my every move. It can’t be surprising that i have no way out. It’s not what it’s presented as, unfortunately.”
“No, no it’s not that.” Remus shakes his head, stopping on the path to face Sirius. “Why me?”
“What do you mean?” Sirius’ forehead creases, also turning to face him.
“Why do you trust me? With your past and honesty? I’m just a stranger. These things you tell me… are so private.”
Sirius stares at Remus completely frozen, sinking into his eyes feeling as if he’s reaching his heart. “You mean i told you things that not even magazines know? It’s quite simple really. You listened. It doesn’t matter how long i have known you.”
Sirius doesn’t dare to reach and out take Remus’ hands in his own, knowing that this conversation has already taken their communication too far. “You have been able to see me better than my own family in a space of hours. Stranger or an old friend, you are here now. I think the concept of time is ridiculous. Two days or ten years, it makes no difference. I never believed that the amount of time you know someone is reflective on how much you are allowed to share.”
Remus had never been spoken to like this before. As if Sirius’ words are so beautiful that all he wants is to record and replay them over and over. Until the lines sink into his body and grow impossible to remove. The kind of words that are printable.
Sirius moves his eye-line from Remus’ concerned expression, to the black gate behind him. “What’s behind there?”
Remus turns around to look at the same gates with a large padlock. “It’s a private garden. Each house on the estate has access, but you need a special key.”
“Who says we need a key? We have perfectly working legs.” Sirius proposes whilst raising one of his eyebrows.
“You can’t be serious.”
“This might be the most serious i have been about anything, ever.”
“Sounds serious.”
Sirius laughs before he walks over to the iron gate, launching one of his feet onto the lowest ledge.
“i think i should go first.” Remus demands and slightly pushes Sirius out of the way. “Can’t have you breaking any bones on my watch.”
“You seem to be very concerned about me being broken.” Sirius comments, but frowns at the accidental deeper meaning. “i mean-“
“I know.” Remus smiles slightly, before climbing over the gate and landing on the grass on the other side.
Sirius does the same seconds later, but with a much less graceful landing. They both stay silent whilst taking in the site of the garden. Most of the plants have died from the middle of winter frost, but you could tell how alive it is during summer.
“I had an obsession with the secret garden. Younger me is so jealous right now.” Sirius looks around before he lands on a wooden bench in the centre of the patch.
They both walk towards the bench in silence, noticing the peace between them and the late night.
“For June who loved this Garden. Love, Joseph who always sat beside her.” Sirius reads aloud the plaque on the seat. His body goes still, as if any movement he makes would be wrong. “Some people really spend their whole lives together, don’t they?”
“Some are lucky.” Remus looks at his shoes again. He doesn’t watch Sirius walk over to the bench and sit down cautiously, as if he would be crossing an invisible line. Invading on an old love story that doesn’t belong to him.
Eventually, Remus can’t take it any longer, standing on his own looking pathetic. He walks slowly over to the space next to Sirius. He doesn’t dare look over at the man next to him, the man who is wanted by the whole world. The man who is a big enough fool to choose Remus.
“i do think we need to talk.” Remus sighs. He has never been one for important conversations. He would happily live his whole life with fake feelings, but he knows that would not really be living.
“I know we do.” Sirius stares at the stars above and closes his eyes. “i’m just so used to complicated.”
“Then let’s keep this simple. I’m sure you have a new movie or tv show you have to shoot soon, and i am already busy with my own failing career. Maybe we can just agree that this is for right now. No strings attached.”
As if you could ever pretend this had never happened. How could anyone simply forget Sirius Black? i can practically hear James laughing now.
“I think i can work with that.” Sirius turns his head to look at Remus. “For right now.”
They spend an hour sat on the bench in silence, watching the stars and planes cross the sky, guessing where each are flying to. Eventually it gets too cold to be sat still, so they climb over the gate once more, and continue down the path to the Ritz hotel.
They eventually make it to the warm lit hotel entrance. They stop at the spinning door, both debating on what to say next.
“Here we are.” Sirius says, rubbing his frozen hands together.
“Yes.” Remus awkwardly adds, not knowing when he should walk back to his own house. He has left Lily and James to do the after party cleaning, something they despise more than anything.
“Do you want to come up?” Sirius quickly asks, afraid that he will lose his nerve before the sentence is done.
“I’m…” Remus eyebrows raise.
This cannot be happening. I have not prepared for this. It’s a kind of question that you make up in your head as it’s so desperately what you want the other person to say. But now that it’s happening, you are taking too bloody long to even form a proper response. Asshole. He probably thinks i don’t want to. I have never wanted anything more, honestly.
“There are lots of reasons why i shouldn’t.”Remus gives himself praise for being so mature when all he wants is to take the stairs incase the lift takes too long.
“There are lots of reasons.” Sirius grins, knowing that they equally want this. “So, do you want to come up? It’s cold out here and…”
“Yes.” Remus says too enthusiastically, knowing he will hate himself tomorrow for sounding far too eager. But he will hate himself more if he walks away now.
But screw that. We both want this.
They walk through the hotel lobby, and Remus almost forgets that Sirius is known to the public. He thought the whispers between the hotel staff and laughs were at him, but in reality he was only walking beside the beauty that is Sirius.
Sirius opens his hotel door, letting Remus walk in before himself. “This is it.”
“You can’t say ‘this is it’ when you just presented a Ritz hotel room. To stay here costs more than five months of my rent.” Remus laughs, noticing the mini fridge and packed fruit bowl on the table in the lounge.
”All the fancy hotel room’s tend to look the same, but i do like this one” Sirius admits.
A crash comes from the main bedroom, and a figure walks into the room. “Babe! You’re back. I just fucking knocked over the drinks cart.” The blonde beams.
Sirius steps backwards in surprise, almost pushing into Remus. “What are you doing here Theo?” Sirius asks, voice slightly shaking.
“Your parents told me you were in New York, but i had your manager tell me where you really were. What have i told you about lying about your location? It’s not safe. You don’t look very happy to see me.” Theo walks over to Sirius, and kisses his cheek harshly.
Theo is the kind of good looking that appears like a walking photograph. That you can’t see a single thing that is out of place, and it constantly annoys the hell out of you. And what the hell is he doing, kissing Sirius’ cheek?
“Who the hell is this?” Theo signals towards Remus, clearly frustrated. “I’m supposed to be the boyfriend. Or did you forget Sirius?”
“Er…” Sirius turns back to Remus with a face of ‘dear god, please forgive me someday’. “No babe, this is room service.” He smiles at Theo.
“Oh, my bad.” Theo corrects. He runs a hand through his straightened hair, with too much product added to it. “I’m sure you have heard of me. Theo Lee? Sirius Black’s boyfriend of six years. But professional model first.”
His American accent and smug attitude is making me want to smack his face in. And i swear they broke up months ago? I remember reading the article when i had formed the idea for my film.
“I thought you guys always wore those ridiculous uniforms. What are they, penguin coats?” Theo frowns, judging Remus’ baggy clothes and chunky boots.
Should i be going along with this? It doesn’t seem like Sirius is madly in love with him. But how would i know? I have never seen him in love. Sirius agreed that this was just a brief thing, i’m not in a place where i’m allowed to be jealous.
“Usually we do.” Remus answers. “I just changed as i finished my shift, but thought i would do a final check to see if Mr Black needs anything else.”
I am going to have fifty careers by the time Sirius and i’s relationship is over. Finally got my work experience.
“That’s great, thank you. Could you fetch me some water? Not sparkling, and not tap. Bottled and slightly chilled. But not too chilled that it’s cold.” Theo places one hand to his hips, then runs the other over his stubble on his chin.
What the fuck does that mean? I’ll get you water from the fucking toilet.
“Of course.” Remus replies through gritted teeth.
Theo leaves for the bedroom, and by the noise he’s trying to pick up the broken liquor bottles from the floor.
“Your boyfriend?” Remus faces Sirius and whispers.
“One more thing.” Theo enters the lounge again.
Won’t this guy just get lost?
“Could you clear those plates too?” Theo demands.
“Certainly.” Remus doesn’t smile, just walks over to the pile of dirty plates and picks them up from the table.
“Hey, wait. Don’t.” Sirius tells Remus, not knowing how to get out of this situation. “I’m not sure that’s in his job description. He’s not a cleaner.”
“i’m sure he won’t mind.” Theo winks at Remus.
I’m going to throw up. Does he really think that works? I thought i was coming up here to spend more time with Sirius, not to play nice with his boyfriend, which i did not know he still had, and take out dirty dishes. I need to go home.
“Would you like to order anything babe?” Theo takes Sirius by the hands, and pulls him towards his lips. He kisses him harshly, and Remus finds himself unable to look away. Mainly because he’s so shocked that Sirius is not who he thought he was.
Yep, i’m going to be sick. Here they are, making out in front of me. And i was stupid enough to think that Sirius actually liked me. Does he just play with guy’s minds when he’s bored of his own life? Does he enjoy cheating and making promises to people he doesn’t plan on ever seeing again? I’m not letting this happen, and i’m not going to believe any bullshit story he tells to my own friends and family.
Once they finally finish kissing, Theo orders for Sirius. “Something light for him, his parents want him to stick to his diet. I can’t be dating a fat actor can i? I have never met a mum and dad that care so much for their son.” Theo grabs Sirius’ ribs harshly, not noticing how his eyes have began to water.
i think i would beat Theo in a fight. What gives him the right to speak of Sirius in that way? Does he not care at all?
“I should leave.” Remus says under his breath. He leaves the room with his pathetic plates, and leaves them outside the door.
Screw Theo, screw the Ritz hotel, and fucking screw Sirius Black.
Remus refuses to cry in public, so he walks quickly down the corridor pretending that these last two days had never happened. Remus went to the movie premiere, didn’t kiss anybody in the bathroom, and carried on with his simple, no movie actor romance, life. But then someone calls his name.
“Stop!” Sirius runs down the hallway until he reaches him. “i’m so sorry Remus, let me explain.”
“How could you possibly explain? You were the one that didn’t want complicated, but that’s all that you are managing to achieve.”
“But it’s confusing. Theo.. he isn’t my boyfriend. Well he is, but he isn’t.”
“You are not making this better.”
“Everything that i have told you has been true Remus. About being controlled, having no freedom. Yes, the Ritz is beautiful, but it’s filled with pricks like Theo. My parents set us up years ago when my career was starting to slip. They said i needed a large name to get me back to the top. I just didn’t know i would be stuck in it for the long run.”
“So, you don’t love him?”
“Fuck, no!” Sirius almost smiles. “He’s the asshole that won’t leave my hotel room as he’s getting a good cheque from my parents. I could give a fuck about him Remus. We are not dating, and we never have been. It’s all for show. I meant what i said before. It’s not easy this life, and i understand if you want nothing to do with it.”
Is that what i want? I told myself that i would never get involved in anything that was too exhausting for no reason, but what happens if it can’t be helped? Sirius has to deal with all of this shit, i don’t feel fair for blaming him. How am i meant to tell him this?
“I hate him.” Remus grins.
“God, so do i. And he’s not even good looking.”
“Yeah, no where near as handsome as me.” Remus jokes.
“Exactly.” Sirius nods, but doesn’t seem to be kidding like Remus.
“But why didn’t you tell me about him sooner? Maybe avoid that great performance back there?”
“I guess i didn’t want to ruin what we had already. Everything seemed to be going so well. I love your friends and how you live. i apologise if this sounds too direct, but i didn’t want to ruin it. I like spending time with you.”
“Me too.”
“Am i allowed to see you again? I haven’t scared you away?”
“No. You haven’t.” Remus sighs.
I don’t think.
“I’ll call you.” Sirius takes Remus’ hands and squeezes them once before walking back towards his room.
“Am i allowed to ask you not to sleep with him? Like, ever?” Remus shouts from a distance.
Sirius smirks and continues walking backwards. “You think i ever want to shag that prick? I make him sleep on the sofa. Not even a blanket.”
“Good.”
“Keeping me all to yourself, are you?” Sirius teases, reaching his room. His twists the doorknob, but doesn’t step through yet.
“Something like that.”
Remus reaches the lift and finally drops his shoulders. He thought that his life would go about in a fairly predictable way. Spend his existence single, make good enough money to afford food, and die in his sleep knowing he never did anything all that interesting. But now he’s reaching the ground floor of the Ritz Hotel. And Remus doesn’t despise how his brain is full of invading images of Sirius Blacks red lips. He’s rather enjoying the experience in fact.