“And there we are again when nobody had to know
You kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath”
The colours of autumn were beautiful and brutal, and Remus felt like throwing his heart into them. They were driving around the countryside, no destination in mind. Sirius had drifted off, his head against the car window, dark hair outlining his profile. Remus wanted him to wake up and talk to him. These days, silence made him miserable.
It was October of the year 1979. Lily and James had just gotten married in June but even that had felt like more of a necessity than anything else. Theirs was no time for love but for need. War makes people cling to on another whether they belong to each other or not. Remus liked to tell himself that they would have ended up together anyways. He needed to believe that some things were real after all.
He hadn’t heard of Peter in a while. He felt bad about not having reached out but then again, neither had Peter. They had gotten into a fight, just before Sirius had left for London and Remus had gone after him. Nothing major, nothing minor. It was more the way they had left it that troubled Remus. He knew that he should write to him, but even picking up a quill felt like running a marathon to him. Some days it was only Sirius who could get him out of bed, other days he would not get up at all. His head hurt all the time and his chest was heavy enough to press him into the mattress for hours. It pissed Sirius off when he was like this. It is not gonna to get better this way y’know? Remus knew.
He rolled down the window, trying to let out the silence. The air outside was cold and dry and smelled of nothing at all. He gripped on tightly to the steering wheel, nails pressing into the leather. He turned the car radio on, and it played some tune he did not recognizes. It made him feel weird, so he turned it off again. Remus fixed his gaze on the road ahead of him, spreading endlessly into colour. The world around him slowly seemed to change and sharp air filled his lungs. He felt like drowning in the sky. He suddenly was aware of every fibre of his body, his head against the headrest, his foot on the gas pedal. All at once there was nothing weighing him down, just the wind in his ears and the sound of the earth breaking apart behind him. It had nothing to do with him anymore. A chill crept down his spine and the coldness was like magic rushing through his veins. He felt like breathing for the first time in months. He felt fucking fantastic.
“What the fuck?!”
Suddenly, there was a cut.
“Are you mental?! You are going fucking 110mph!”
His eyes flickered down to the tach. Damn. He took his foot of the pedal, slowly, as if sliding off. The car was already losing speed when he finally snapped out of it, hitting the breaks. He pulled over and came to a halt. The adrenaline was still pumping through his veins and his hands were shaking in cold sweat when he took them of the wheel.
“What the fuck? Were you trying to kill us?” Sirius asked, stunned. Remus did not answer.
Sirius waited another moment before getting out of the car and slamming the door shut. Remus wanted to go after him, but he could not move. He also could not tell how long he had sat there and had starred at the steering wheel before Sirius finally came back. His voice was calm and cold and Remus could tell that he was furious. He was thankful that he did not scream.
“I am so done with you acting like a fucking crazy person.”
Remus flinched in agony. He turned to face Sirius whose light eyes were fixed on the dashboard.
“I am sorry. I didn’t even realize what was happening. I just got in this weird state of mind and lost track of… I am so sorry.”
Sirius let out a breath. He still was not looking at Remus. It had become a habit of his, not really looking. Sometimes Remus thought that Sirius might actually hate him, with all the not looking and flinching when they touched and snapping at him for seemingly no reason. But Remus knew better than that and so did Sirius.
“Pads, I mean it. You can drive from here if you want to. I wasn’t thinking straight, and I get that you are mad at me. I don’t know what got into me.”
“What is wrong with you?”
Remus sighed. He leaned back against his seat and closed his eyes. They had had this conversation at least a thousand times before. Sometimes in the morning when Remus would not get up. Sometimes late at night when honesty suddenly did not seem like the most terrifying thing in the world anymore. But even then, there had been nothing for Remus to answer. He was scared, of course, but so was everyone else. He was angry as well, but not as angry as Sirius and James and even they had found ways to cope with it. He was confused but that was nothing he would ever talk about with Sirius. He was nothing at all, sometimes. As if he had a million pieces of himself flying around the room and no right way to put them back together.
“I guess I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.”
“That’s stupid.”
“I guess.”
They sat in silence for a few minutes. The car windows had fogged up when Sirius started speaking again. His voice sounded softer now and his eyes actually met Remus’ when he looked over.
“You drive. You driving 110 is probably still safer than me driving 30. And it sucks that you feel that way. I want you to be happy.”
“You do?”
Remus’ voice came out embarrassingly high-pitched and he turned to Sirius in disbelief. It surprised him less that Sirius thought that but rather that he had actually said it out loud.
Sirius laughed and leaned over to ruffle Remus’s hair.
“Of course I do, you idiot. Just because I don’t go around telling people my feelings all day doesn’t mean I don’t got ‘em.”
Remus chest tightened. Idiot described him quite well, he found. Idiot, idiot, idiot.
They had started sleeping with each other at some point during their last year at Hogwarts. Although sleeping with each other was probably not the right term for what they did. Shagging was probably what it came down to, although that word made Remus cringe. But Sirius had not once slept with him. He hadn’t even done as much as kiss him on the mouth, except for twice of which one was an accident and the other one…well the other one was certainly to be talked about.
Remus was not angry at Sirius, nor did he feel used by him. Sure, he would have liked it better if things were different, but he knew Sirius way too well to blame him for that. The problem was not that Sirius did not care about him. The problem was that Sirius did not understand that his actions affected people. He did not consider himself important enough to have any real impact on someone else’s feelings. And that was where it all came back to being Remus’ fault again.
It probably was his responsibility to be honest. He knew it would make things easier for both of them, whatever way it might end. And still… there was this desire to let Sirius have one simple thing. Something that did not ask for explanation or even bravery. Something that Remus could give, and give, and give without ever having to take back. He did not want to take anything from Sirius Black.
It would have been easier if Remus did not like Sirius that much of course. Or at least not in that way. At times, Remus figured himself to be the most miserable idiot since the guy who misheard giant squid for skinny-dip during the explanation of the Hogwarts house-rules. Most of the time, however, he considered himself to be lucky enough.
Now they were driving again, cautiously 5mph slower than the speed limit. The world was sore and heavy again. Sirius had turned on the radio. The song was Sultans of Swing and Remus could work with that. He knew that they ought to get home, but their conversation flowed easily now and somehow Remus found comfort in this. Being able to talk and laugh and sometimes glance at Sirius in the most innocent way reminded him of being fourteen again, when their friend group had been young and naïve, with their dreams big enough to fill up every hole the war had torn already. They talked about James and Lily’s wedding, how after the ceremony the five of them had gotten drunk behind the marquee and Lily had started doing teacher impressions which was both, the most perfect and most horrible thing they had ever seen. How after that they had talked for hours about everything and nothing at all. That night, they had just been kids and they had loved each other in the most wicked and profound ways.
That night, he had been simple and sweet, kissing Remus’s neck and chest and holding him tight for a moment before slipping away into the night like a ghost.
It was already dark when they drove up to Remus’s childhood home. There was warm light in the windows and Remus could see his mother in the kitchen. They had just arrived this morning, unannounced and with only a suitcase. Lyall and Hope Lupin had been thrilled. Remus knew that his parents missed him even though they held back from telling him too often. They did not want to make leaving hard on him. Sirius was always welcome at the Lupin’s home. Something about him seemed to awaken some motherly instinct in Hope Lupin and she never missed out on refilling his plate or telling him to borrow a warmer coat from her husband since she deemed almost all of his own clothes unfit for the weather. Remus’ father had been sceptical of the name Black in the beginning, but he trusted his son’s judgment enough to reconsider his own. By now he got on quite well with Sirius even though he still pulled a face when Sirius’s admittedly very posh way of speaking prevailed at times. During Sirius’ first visit at the Lupin’s, Lyall had leaned over to his son at the breakfast table to tell him that he had just been asked where the lavatory was. Beneath the queen’s bum, I s’pose.
Sirius was in high spirits when they entered the living room. Remus’ mother pressed a kiss to each of their foreheads, a gesture that left Sirius beaming. “You’ve come just in time for dinner, boys. I’m making lamb soup.”
She left for the kitchen and Sirius was quick to hurry after her, only stopping in the door to raise an eyebrow at Remus, who had sat down on the couch.
“Aren’t you going to help your mother?”
“Aren’t you going to stop being such a fake?”
“Some people actually are actually well brought up and have manners, Remus.”
“Did you just insult my mother?”
Lyall snickered in his armchair. Remus knew that he had won, still he sighed and got up. The kitchen was incredibly tiny, and he was not too keen constantly touching Sirius, so he offered to bring out the plates and cutlery. He rolled his eyes at Sirius complementing his mother’s home-grown kitchen herbs on his way out.
The dinner conversation was light and cheerful, and Hope’s cooking was worth every appreciation it got. At first Sirius seemed unusually shy, but Remus was not really surprised by that. He had noticed that Sirius felt intimidated by families that acted like they did not hate each other. As if he was waiting for the catch. They talked about London and about the flat they shared. Sirius told Remus’s parents about the uncle from whom he had inherited it. Remus sensed that they were entering dangerous territory and he was just about to steer the conversation away from Sirius’ family, when his mother did so first.
“Actually Sirius, have I ever asked you whether you got a girlfriend or not?”
Remus looked at his mother in disbelief.
“Merlin, mum, getting a bit personal today, aren’t we?”
“I don’t know what you mean, honey. It is a perfectly normal question to ask someone your age, isn’t it Lyall? Just because you are such a prude when it comes to talking about girls doesn’t mean everyone has to be.”
Sirius shot him an amused glanced. Remus felt the urge to punch his teeth out.
“No, I actually don’t have a girlfriend.”
Sirius smiled at Hope and Remus could tell that he expected her to drop the subject. Ha.
“Oh, what a shame. I bet your apartment is a mess with no girl around. Also, you’d make such an amazing son-in-law. If I had a daughter, I’d love her to date you.”
Remus felt like throwing up. He almost wanted to excuse himself when he felt a hand on his tight.
“I don’t think I’d be a good son-in-law if I’m being honest, Hope.”
Sirius was still smiling but the corner of his lips twitched alarmingly, and his jaw was clenched. Remus did not dare to move, let alone look down.
“Oh. Why is that honey?” Hope asked, genuinely surprised.
“Just a feeling.”
Sirius reached for his glass.
“No luck with girls in general, I guess.”
And just like that his hand was gone and Remus could breathe again.
After dinner Sirius insisted on doing the dishes and although Hope Lupin objected fiercely, Remus soon found himself beside Sirius at the sink. Hope Lupin was a muggle, so she always did the dishes by hand and so had Remus when he was younger. Most of the time, he found it quite comforting, but right now he was very close to casting a cleaning spell even though he knew that his mother wasn’t a big fan of those being used on her tableware. They did not talk, and Remus started questioning whether the scene at dinner had actually happened or if it had just been his mind playing tricks on him. He must have been imagining it. Or maybe Sirius had touched his tight but for another, perfectly logical reason. Maybe to stop him fidgeting. He sometimes did that when he was nervous. He took a deep breath and reached for another dish. The tap water was warm against his skin.
“Is everything alright? You’re even paler than usual, Moony.”
Their eyes met. Sirius took the plate out of his hand and his fingers brushed Remus’, setting his skin on fire. Remus nodded hardly noticeable.
“Yap. Everything is just perfect.”
It sounded more aggressive than he had intended, and he did not quite understand where this anger suddenly came from, only that it was there and that he had no room for it within himself.
“Look Remus if that’s about what happened earlier… I don’t know I’m sorry, I guess. I didn’t mean to cross a line. “
“But you did. And honestly, talking about it will only make it worse, so please, just shut up.”
Sirius hesitated. Then he continued drying the dishes without another word. Remus did not even have to look over to know exactly what face he was pulling.
“Stop sulking, you big baby.”
“I am not-“
“Argh. You are so annoying.”
Remus could not help but laugh. It suddenly occurred to him how ridiculous all of this was. The whole situation. The fact that they had been having sex for almost two years now and could not even talk about it. As if not talking about it changed the fact that it happened anyway. As if not kissing changed a single fucking thing.
“Some might consider dubious and unprompted insults annoying, Remus.” Sirius replied, marking the air with invisible quotation marks. He was clearly relieved that the tension had resolved.
“Nono. You don’t understand. I find you ridiculously annoying, Padfoot. That is neither dubious nor unprompted.”
And still, Remus did not find the courage to say anything else. Something like, I find it quite cute when you sulk. Or I want to kiss you so bad, it makes me want to punch you. Or I like your voice. Or Please stop sleeping with me if it makes you hate yourself. Instead, he said something much less significant.
“Come on. Let’s go play fetch or something. Or do you want to finish the dishes right now?”
“Not particularly, no.”
The word fetch triggered some puppy instinct in Sirius and Remus knew that. They left through the kitchen door and walked a few hundred yards away from the house before Sirius felt safe enough to change into his animagi form. Remus was throwing a stick, which he considered to be a terribly boring activity, but Padfoot was having a blast.
“Hey Sirius!”
He suddenly had an idea.
Sirius changed back, which Remus appreciated, and looked over at him expectantly.
“Actually, why don’t you have a girlfriend?”
Sirius looked quite dumbfounded, which made Remus feel both, oddly satisfied and a little bad. He knew it wasn’t fair, considering Sirius could have asked him the very same question. It was cowardly but maybe it got them somewhere.
“I don’t know, what about you, Moony?”
Ah. Should have seen that one coming.
“I asked first.”
Not particularly his strongest counter, but arguably the most effective.
They both stood in silence for a moment before Sirius took a few steps in his direction.
“If you have something to say, say it, Remus.”
His voice was firm, but Remus could sense some untypical uncertainty in it.
Remus remained silent.
He had nothing to say.
Just something to give, and give, and give.