lyin' eyes

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Cigarette smoke, blue eyeshadow, half a bottle of vodka, and Nat’s Blur tape loaded into the cassette player. The windows of Lottie’s car were fogged up, frantic handprints etched into the glass.

It had started with the hallway. Then it was the locker room, then Lottie’s car on weekends. Nat couldn’t get enough of her. She loved the way her lips felt. Smooth. Her skin was always warm and smelled like vanilla.

Nat had forced herself to a strictly physical relationship with Lottie. She didn’t think about the conversations they had late at night, or the way Lottie touched her arm when she told her something even semi-meaningful. She shut her mind up with desperate touches and heavy breathing. She couldn’t admit it to Lottie, but she would turn the music up as high as possible so she wouldn’t fall for the sincerity in her voice when her name tumbled out. She couldn’t like this girl because she didn’t even like herself.

…

It was the last day of school, but none of the Yellowjackets showed up. There was an end-of-year debrief that consumed the team and predated the upcoming season. It took place at Jackie’s house, players splayed out on the couch and on the floor.

Nat geared up for trouble when Jackie got that look in her eye.

“As your team captain, I want to take charge and make sure you’re all on top of your game when next year starts.”

Half the room rolled their eyes. Laura Lee raised her hand.

“When are tryouts?”

“Beginning of August. Coach Martinez will let us know what day.” Jackie clasped her hands together and looked around the room. “I expect to see a few fresh faces with the new grade rolling in.” She narrowed her eyes.

Nat fiddled with the hem of her shirt, glancing back and forth between Jackie and Lottie. It was like her mind was stuck on a loop. She had smoked before coming inside and now tasted the nicotine in her gums, tongue swiping over her teeth and chapped lips. She felt a poke on her shoulder.

“Nat.” Lottie cleared her throat, holding out her chapstick. Nat felt a shiver crawl up her hand as she accepted it with a forceful glance away from Lottie’s intoxicating brown eyes.

Talk of soccer, for the first time ever, had gone in one ear and out the other. By the time Jackie wrapped up her speech, Nat was fighting heavy eyelids atop the comfort of the couch.

“Hey.” Jackie nudged Nat with her elbow and scooched onto the empty part of the sofa.

Nat blinked slowly and sat up.

“Are you going home after this?” Jackie set her cup on the endtable and relaxed into the pillow.

“I’m going to the diner with Gavin, why?” Nat mumbled.

“Nothing, just need to run some errands. I’ll ask Lottie.”

“Um- Shit, wait.” Nat stopped Jackie from getting up with her hand.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t tell her. That I’m going with Gavin. Please.”

Jackie stared at Nat with about enough malice to kill a small rodent.

“Jackie, please.” Nat repeated, hand falling.

“You kill me, Scatorccio. Seriously.” Jackie sighed and got up, a look of disappointment setting on her face.

Nat felt guilt boil under her skin. She felt like an honest jerk for keeping up the facade and still couldn’t muster up the heart to break things off with either one of them. It would take an act of God to make Natalie act like a good person instead of just thinking like one.

The diner was warm and familiar. Gavin was cold, still familiar. They talked for three hours and had sex in his car.

Nat went home and cried into her pillow.

No one knocked on her door and no one called.

Always close enough to lust, just far enough not to love.

…

The first few weeks of summer were mostly uneventful. Some days she just slept. Others she’d go out with Van and Tai or get drunk with Jackie at random parties. She saw Gavin a few hours a week. Most of the time, though, she was with Lottie.

“So close! That is a United States president.” Lottie giggled. She was lying on her stomach next to Nat, a book open in front of them.

“This is stupid. I don’t need to know any of this.” Nat groaned, rolling over onto her back.

“Are you kidding? There is nothing more important than old poems written by loveless white dudes that got no pussy.”

“I’m dropping out. I can’t. Fuck old poems and fuck loveless white dudes.”

“You’re fine. Come on, keep reading.” Lottie nudged the girl beside her. “And old poems are good! Just not these ones.”

“You’re such a geek. Name one good old poem.”

“You’re gonna make fun of me.”

“No I won’t. Come on.”

“Ok, well it’s not a poem. Wuthering Heights.”

“Wait, we read that for class.”

“And I assume you didn’t read it.” Lottie deadpanned.

“It was boring. I’m sorry. Tell me.”

“Are you gonna make fun of me?”

“I might. But I’ll do my best.”

“Okay. There’s a line in the book.” Lottie turned on her side to face Nat. “When Catherine, the main character, is talking to their housekeeper about Heathcliff, the guy she’s in love with or whatever.”

Nat nodded. Lottie recited the line.

“He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of,” Lottie spoke and watched as a smile crept onto Nat’s face. “What? You said you’d try not to make fun of me.” She frowned.

“His and mine are the same.” Nat finished. “I know this one.”

“So you did read the book. I knew you were secretly a nerd.” Lottie laughed and threw her hands up to catch the pillow that hit her.

“Shut up. You’re the nerd and everyone knows it.”

“At least I don’t have to retake English.” Lottie hummed. Nat reached for the pillow again.

…

Nat had become undesirably familiar with the concept of jump rope. One day it was Gavin, the next it was Lottie.

“You aren’t even a little tired?” Jackie asked, chewing on stale popcorn.

“I’m exhausted. But no one needs to know that.”

“Except me!” Jackie grinned and wrapped an arm around Nat. The two were on Jackie’s couch, watching Billy Madison for the third time. “Seriously though, props to you.”

“Do you ever think you're like, not capable of love?” Nat asked. She reached for the bucket of popcorn.

“I don’t think about love at all.” Jackie admitted.

“What about Shauna?”

“What about her?”

“I dunno. Do you love her?”

“Ew. Gay. New topic.” Jackie deflected. Nat rolled her eyes.

“I think I might never love someone the way I’m supposed to.” Nat sighed and peeled back the skin off a kernel of popcorn.

“That’s depressing.”

“It always is.”

“You’ll get there, champ.” Jackie punched her in the shoulder playfully. Nat responded with a groan.

She couldn’t recall the last person she loved. Her eyes flickered back to Jackie, who was watching the movie attentively. She loved Jackie, but not in that way. Not in the heart-stopping, blood-pumping, take-a-bullet-for-them kind of way. She wondered if Jackie knew what that felt like.

“Quit drooling.” Jackie said without turning. Nat regained focus and looked back towards the television. Her mind quickly wandered to Lottie. It sucked there was no handbook on how to love someone and be okay with it.

…

Nat feigned a gag as she watched Tai and Van kiss each other goodbye.

“Homophobe!” Tai yelled as she drove away.

“When is Lottie meeting us?” Van asked. The sun caused Nat’s skin to heat up within minutes outside.

“3:30? I wasn’t really paying attention.” Nat admitted, watching the cars rush past on the freeway.

“How’s that going, by the way?”

“Don’t be Jackie.”

“Can’t even be curious anymore.” Van rolled her eyes. Nat looked up as Lottie got out of her car at the edge of the parking lot. She waved excitedly at the pair and picked up a jog as she approached.

“Hey, no stealing today.” Van eyed Lottie up and down.

“Your standards for me are embarrassingly low. I plan on paying, okay?”

“Mhm.” Van hummed. The three of them walked towards the TJ Maxx entrance, eyeing the security at the front.

“Dude, I think he wants you.” Van snickered, watching the guards eyes follow Lottie into the store.

“Not funny. I think he knows me.” Lottie sighed, shielding her face.

They ended up splitting up to look for clothes, Van straying to the jewelry section to find a gift for Tai.

Nat studied the aisles of the clothing section, searching for something not expensive and not ugly, which proved to be simultaneously impossible. When she ran back into Lottie she saw at least ten different dresses piled on her arm.

“Holy shit, you work fast.” Nat flipped through the array of dresses.

“Come on, I need to try them on.” Lottie used her free hand to grab Nat’s and dragged her to the changing rooms. Nat stopped at the doorway.

“Nothing you haven’t seen before.” Lottie pulled Nat in with her, shutting the curtain and wasting no time before pulling her shirt off. Nat was ashamed to have blushed at seeing Lottie in a bra as if they hadn’t spent the past few weeks hooking up in secret.

Lottie grinned when she saw the look on Nat’s face. She eyed the curtain, confirming it was shut before slipping a hand around Nat’s neck and pulling her in for a kiss.

“Help me zip this up.” She swiped a thumb over Nat’s cheek and turned around so she could fix the dress.

Nat exhaled shakily.

“Anyone else bricked up or just me?” She giggled as she watched Lottie show off the dress.

“That means I’m buying it.” Lottie wiggled her eyebrows.

“Both of you, quiet.” Van yelled from outside the room. The pair broke into a fit of giggles.

“How long has she been there?” Lottie whispered through laughs. Nat just shrugged.

…

Unsurprisingly, the only other person awake at 3:00 in the morning was Lottie Matthews.

“I haven’t really slept since I met you.” Nat admitted. She took a long drag from her cigarette and exhaled slowly. The parking lot next to WHS was empty.

Lottie didn’t respond. Nat looked out at the vacant roads. Wiskayok was awfully quiet. The simple buzz of old whiskey and nicotine swirled in her head.

“Can you promise me something?” Lottie finally spoke. Nat nodded.

“Promise you won’t hurt me.” Lottie rasped. Nat was silent. She didn’t really know how to answer. She let the question sit in the air until it hurt to think about.

“I will do my best.” Nat whispered.

“Get some rest, Nat.” Lottie stubbed her cigarette out on the curb and stood up, fixing her skirt. She held a hand out to help the other girl up.

…

The sound of a car horn honking startled Nat awake. It couldn’t have been later than 8:00 since the sun was barely filtering in through the window. She rubbed her eyes vigorously and tossed her blanket aside.

“Fuck! I’m coming!” Nat yelled at no one when the honking didn’t stop. Her heart short circuited when she noticed Lottie at the wheel of the car on the road just ten yards from her. She threw on whatever she had and jumped out her front door, tugging her other shoe on and hopping to the street.

Lottie slammed the car door shut and walked around to the passenger side. She held her hand up and revealed the set of keys with a flourish. Nat eyed her cautiously.

“You’re driving.”

Nat felt confusion contort her face.

“You’re letting me drive?”

“It’s your lucky day.” Lottie grabbed Nat’s wrist and dropped the keys into her palm. She walked casually to the shotgun door and opened it to sit.

“Lottie, I don’t know how to drive.” Nat studied the keys carefully.

“Exactly why you need to learn.” Lottie patted the driver's seat. “Get in!”

Nat opened her mouth to protest but felt something tug the words back down her throat.

The car had warmed up from the heat of the rising sun, but the wind slipping through the open windows helped Nat breathe.

“Hey. Relax.” Lottie spoke softly and touched Nat’s shoulder lightly, which made her do literally everything but relax. “You’ll be fine. Right is the gas, left is the break. The steering wheel is self-explanatory. Buckle up!”

Nat stared at the dashboard in front of her. If they got in a car accident she was totally pinning this on Lottie. She had the money to figure it out anyways.

The car jumped forward when Nat pressed her foot to the gas and Lottie let out a sweet giggle.

“Easy, trigger-happy.” Lottie stretched into a comfortable position and angled herself to watch Nat struggle.

It took a few tries, but eventually Nat graduated from the neighborhood to the main road. She couldn’t stop herself from smiling. The control felt good. The wind and the sun and Lottie, too. She brought up every detail about the town that she could remember.

“And that’s where Bobby Jenkins broke his arm. You could hear the crunch from two blocks down.” Nat pointed at the corner store.

“Jesus. How do you know so much about Wiskayok? Like you know all the stories and all the drama. Everything.” Lottie looked out the window.

Nat laughed and turned to look at Lottie. “I haven’t left this place in seventeen years, Lot. I know it like the back of my hand.”

Silence settled in the car before Lottie spoke.

“I love you.”

Nat nearly crashed the car.

“Lottie.” She said breathlessly. She gripped the wheel tight to stop her hands from shaking.

“I’m sorry.”

Fuck. Nat’s eyes stung as she lost focus of the road.

“Nat, pull over.” And she complied. She turned the car off shakily and sucked in a harsh breath. Nat walked around to the curb to beg for air.

“I didn’t mean to.” Lottie’s sentence came out empty, unfinished. Nat, in contrast, couldn’t speak at all.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Lottie spoke again, eyes tired.

Nat let out a broken laugh, but nothing was funny. “I can’t.” Nat finally rasped, hands clutching her stomach. “I can’t, Lottie.”

Lottie didn’t respond. Nat watched the girl next to her and prayed that this wouldn’t hurt.

“We have to stop.”

“I know.” Lottie swallowed.

“Go.” Nat couldn’t meet her eyes but held out the keys to the car. “Gavin can- I can get a ride home.” Nat felt regret burn in her throat.

“Please don’t be mad at me.” Lottie pleaded.

Nat inhaled sharply. It was deep and slow, and the exhale came out raw and messy.

“I’m not mad.”

Something tightened in Lottie’s stomach.

You were great. Failed to make it past Nat’s lips and died somewhere in her throat. It felt too conclusive, and Nat couldn’t grasp that.

“You were better.” Lottie said, and Nat snapped up to meet her eyes.

She wouldn’t see Lottie for the next three months.