Oct. 31 1987
It was midnight and Remus found himself sitting on the couch staring at a photo.
It was a picture of James, Lily, Remus, Peter, and Sirius. They were outside of James and Lily’s brand new house with moving boxes everywhere, because Lily wanted to do it the muggle way.
He couldn’t sleep and he stumbled across the photo and now he just couldn’t look away. So many thoughts were running through his head.
And as he stared at Sirius’ beautiful, grinning face he whispered into the silence of his apartment, “You know sometimes I liked to toy with idea that you died with them.”
Burning hot tears began to run down his face. At least he can’t see the photo anymore.
He continued to say what was plaguing his mind, “That it wasn’t you who killed them and you all died in some tragic accident. Like everything between us was real.”
He then decided to fill the creepy, whispering silence in his home with every thought that’s been keeping him awake.
“I liked the idea because my mind couldn’t quite cope with the idea that everything we shared was a lie and I still can’t cope with that.” He gave a bitter, breathy laugh.
“Every smile. Every prank. Every laugh. Every kiss. Every secret. Every hug. Every moment. Every night. It was all an act. It meant nothing to you.” More and more tears began to fall.
“The one person who loved me, for me, scars and all. Was just a liar. Not a single damn thing was real. The one person I thought I could relate too and share everything with. Who I loved and thought- no, KNEW loved me back, was fake.” He nearly shouted that time. He kept getting more and more aggressive with his words as he continued.
“Then I think “Well why did you only leave me here? Kill everyone but me.” Is it because you thought being a werewolf was punishment enough, that turning into a beast every single month was enough torture?”
“Or was it because you actually loved me? Too much to where you couldn’t kill me?” He almost laughed at one.
“Or was it because you hated me the most?” Dead silence filled the air. And he thought he finally figured out why.
“ Did you think that being all alone in this world was enough. Stuck with their memories and not them. Knowing that the people I loved most were killed by the love of my life. Knowing that all our moments were lies. And that the wolf will have to transform all alone without its pack. That it’ll tear my skin to even more shreds.”
He was practically sobbing now. A searing pain shot through his ribs as he alternated between hysterical laughter and body racking sobs.
And yet, he powered on through his angry rant. Letting every bitter thought flood out of him.
“You were probably disgusting by scars, huh? Did you cringe inside every time you kissed them? Was it awful? Did it almost hurt?”
He stared at the little piece of paper in question and almost expected it to answer him.
“Why did you do it? What was the point?” He questioned. Honestly and pain crinkling at the corners of his words.
“What happened to young Sirius who thought calling people Mudbloods was horrible. Who hated Snape and everything he and his friends stood for. Who would never join, especially to spite his family. Who helped take care of the younger kids whenever they got cursed by those bullies. Who stood up for everything he thought was right.”
That was his question. What did happen to that Sirius.
“Did he just fade with time? Or was still in there somewhere, suppressed by rage and cowardice?”
This question wasn’t sad or angry.
It was bitter.
“James gave you a home, a family, and everything you grew up without. Loving parents and happiness. You and Lily loved to gossip together and you were so close. Peter constantly gave you stuff, helped you, and showed you his recipes.”
Every single one of his friends loved him and cared for him with all their hearts. Marlene and Dorcas and Mary too. So why??
What about Remus? He loved Sirius with more than just his heart.
“And what about me? I loved you I gave you my heart and my soul and I thought you gave me yours.”
He said nearly everything he wanted to say. So as he stared the photo down, once more, the silence returned. And eventually he finally whispered out his final question.
“What happened to the Sirius I loved?”