Numb
Sirius was numb.
He knew that James was behind him, rubbing his back slowly, and whispering to him, trying to ease him out of his panic attack, but really?
Remus was the only one that could fix his attacks, and now Remus was gone.
“James…” He hears Lily say. It’s muffled, as if she’s saying it through water. “James, I don’t think you’re helping him.”
“Sirius?” James asks, almost pleading.
“‘M alright.” Sirius mutters, trying to get his bearings. “Just give me a sec.”
“Okay.” James says, stepping back.
Sirius takes his left wrist in his right hand, holds it up to his mouth, and bites down hard, much to James and Lily’s displeasure.
“Oi!” James shouts.
“No… it’s fine.” Sirius murmurs. “‘t’s what I do when Moony isn’t here to help. Helps me refocus.”
He clamps down on his wrist again, until he can taste blood. Then, he takes his wrist out of his mouth and shakes his head violently.
“Let’s go get Moony then, shall we?” He says, attempting a broad smile but only barely managing a small grimace.
James looks down at Sirius’s wrist in disgust. There’s blood leaking from it now.
“Are you sure that’s… safe?” Lily asks nervously.
“Perfectly fine.” Sirius tells them. “Remus taught me. Said it’s what got him through St. Edmunds. Probably keep an eye out for it now though. On him. Not me. I do it all the time.”
James narrowed his eyes, “You don’t have to pretend, Mate.”
Sirius feels another sudden rush of emotion and looks down at the floor.
“I know…” He whispers, “But the thing is, I kind of do. We all do. Because if we don’t, what’s Moony going to do? And if it takes panic attacks and biting my wrist for me to pretend I’m okay for Moony, then I’ll do it a hundred times over again.”
James frowns, but nods. “Okay mate, but please, if you feel something coming on, let one of us know. You shouldn’t have to go through it alone.”
“Thank you.” Sirius tells him.
“You’re welcome.”
“Let’s go find Moony.” Sirius says.
“Not with blood leaking out of your wrist like that!” Lily interjects, grabbing her wand. “Episkey!”
The bite marks slowly knit back together.
“Now let’s go find Moony!” Lily says cheerfully, but it sounds forced.