Journal of Sirius O. Black
Journal of Sirius O. Black
12/23/77
i don’t know where to begin.
Remus… my Remus… is slipping. every hour, every minute, every second. i can feel him pulling further and further away, like i’m standing on the edge of something, and i just don’t know how to stop it.
Tonight… i thought, maybe, just maybe, there was a chance. he asked to sleep with Grant and Siri (James and Pete, apparently). he said it so quietly, so calmly, like it was the most natural thing in the world. but it wasn’t natural. none of this is natural.
it’s like he doesn’t even know who i am anymore. like he can’t see me.
Grant… Siri…
god, it hurts to even write those names. it’s not even my Remus. it’s someone i don’t know. a stranger who looks like him but doesn’t feel like him. a shadow of him, and i’m here, just… watching.
i tried to reach him. i always do. i’ve been trying since it happened last night. but he didn’t look at me. he just kept murmuring those names, like a broken record, repeating them over and over.
when he asked to sleep with Grant and Siri, i don’t know what i expected. maybe i thought it would be different than last night… but, obviously not.
i tried to sleep at the edge of the bed, just wanting to be close to him, but i felt like a ghost. he didn’t look at me. he didn’t even seem to feel me there. when i brushed his shoulder (on accident, mind you), he just shivered, as if one of the ghosts had passed through him.
and i… i had to listen to him call out for Grant. i had to listen to him ask for someone who isn’t me. and every time i tried to make him remember, every time i tried to remind him of what we had, it was like he couldn’t hear me. or worse… like he didn’t want to hear me.
i want to scream. i want to shake him and make him remember. i want to hold him, to make everything stop, to make him realize that i’m still here. but it’s like there’s a wall between us. a wall that i can’t break through, no matter how hard i try.
i don’t know how much longer i can keep pretending that everything will be okay. i don’t know how much longer i can keep telling myself that this is just a phase, that Remus will come back to me.
because, deep down, i know. i know that maybe… he won’t. and that thought, that horrible thought, is slowly eating me alive.
but today, when he laughed at something James said… just for a moment, it was him. not the stranger. not the shadow. just Remus.
and maybe i’m an idiot, but i’m holding onto that moment.
fuck you, Regulus Black. nobody should have to deal with you.
i wish you would just die.
Sirius