This was nice, preparing the new-years party with his friends was one of those small moments he truly cherished whilst they all still could. It couldn’t be a big party, they all knew that, they were only able to invite a few people over in case it became too dangerous. The hall was nice enough, they couldn’t really complain. A muggle town hall was their best bet, they were less likely to be discovered by death eaters that way.
They were all aware that it wouldn’t feel right, with a few of their friends missing, mainly Frank and Alice, who had gone into hiding a while prior. But he still thought it was nice that everybody was still gathering to say ‘Happy 1981’ and pretend everything was fine for just a while. Merlin, in just a few hours it would be 1981, that felt wrong. Sometimes he still feels like it should be 1978. But maybe that was just the grief talking. The fact that he so often pretended it was ‘78 all over again. Before the last day of 1979. He had tried to forget about that. It was exactly a year since-
No. Don’t think about it. He promised he wouldn’t think about this today.
So he focused on the music instead as it filled the small hall, bouncing off the walls, making it sound louder but also softer around the edges, more like a memory than something he was currently living. James knew the album off by heart. Of course he did, they had been listening to it since Andromeda had first sent the album to Sirius. Naturally, Sirius hadn’t gone a month without listening to it since then, not that any of the others complained. Apart from Pete, who liked more ‘underground and less nonsensical’ artists when it came to muggle artists, whatever that meant (besides, Bowie clearly wasn’t a muggle, anyone with a brain could see that).
He knew the order of the songs perfectly, yet still, it managed to catch him off-guard.
When the intro began to echo throughout the empty hall, James immediately tried to think of a way to get out before he had a random breakdown in front of his friends (who were only now getting to be happy, they didn’t deserve to deal with that) but didn’t know how to say anything without raising suspicion. I was gonna go and get drinks from the cafe. Remus had just gotten back from getting coffee for everyone, that wouldn’t work. Gonna go to the loo. Yeah and wait about 10 minutes to give some time for emotions to get in the way.
This was brilliant.
He felt himself freeze and knew that it was too late, the memory had already gripped him and there was no way he could even stand up now, let alone make up an excuse and leave looking perfectly okay. Though his vision had blurred slightly as his thoughts wandered from reality, James saw Sirius bounding over to Remus, the joy James envied plastered all over his face.
“Moony! It’s my song! C’mon, put down that stupid bunting for a minute and dance with me!”
Didn't know what time it was
The lights were low, oh, oh
Remus turned around from where he was standing with the decorations, not even needing to stand on his tiptoes to reach the spot he needed to place it and gave Sirius the look. That very Remus look that was meant to look like disapproval but was lathered with fondness and joyful adoration nonetheless. James knew that look well, and not just from Remus, he used to be the one on the receiving end, he’d never really realised how much he had missed it until then. That look used to be patronising, Sirius clearly still thought it was.
“Moonyyyyyy, come on! You look like my mother! And I don’t mean Effie!” Must run in the family then, James couldn’t help but think. Remus scoffed at Sirius’ comment and threw the bunting at him, watching as it floated for a few seconds and then fell pathetically to the floor.
“We don’t have long to finish decorating, Sirius, if we dance to this song, you won’t let us get back to it and Prongs and Wormy will have to finish it all.”
“Pleaseeeeeee? Just this song, I promise.”
Remus hesitated for a moment longer, then he shook his head and smiled, stepping closer to where Sirius was and making a show of putting out both of his hands for his boyfriend to take. And James watches. James watches as his two best friends dance together, in complete bliss despite the situation, to the song they found to fit Sirius perfectly. And he can’t help but hate them for it.
-
I leaned back on my radio, oh, oh
Some cat was layin' down some rock 'n' roll lotta soul, he said
“Reggie.” No response. “Reggie.” Nothing. “Oh, for fucks sake, Regulus, I don’t sneak out of the concerningly overprotective clasp of you brother and past you slimy housemates for fun.”
“Then don’t do it at all. Host your concerts elsewhere.”
James looked cross to Barty, his face clearly saying what the fuck have I done this time? But only got a shrug in response. Great.
“You haven’t done anything wrong, I’m just reading.” Bloody mind-reader, that one.
“You can read literally all the time. I’m not here to sit and watch you oggle over some dead tree, I’m here so you can give me attention.” He took the book swiftly out of Regulus’ hand, causing him to look up and see James’ outstretched hand before his face.
“What do you want?”
James grinned and bounced on his toes like an excited child. “Dance with me!”
Regulus stared a the hand, then at James, then snatched his book back and went back to reading. “No.”
James groaned and slumped down onto the floor in front of Regulus, crossing his knees and sulking. Regulus didn’t look up from his book. “But it’s your song, Reggie!”
“Not every song with the word ‘star’ in it is about me, James.” James seemed like he wanted to disagree.
“Reg, you should be honoured, you know?” Evan leaned forward so he could see his friends as he spoke to him. “He heard the song and automatically thought of you, that’s adorable! I wish this one would do the same for me.” He jabbed a finger at Barty, who gasped and lightly tackled him, causing him to shriek and slap his shoulder.
Regulus smirked and looked up from his book, turning to face Evan properly to see his reaction. “Oh, but he did! You have that wonderful Edison Lighthouse song, remember?”
Evan closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose so as to not punch somebody right then and there. “Don’t. I really don’t need to remember that, thank you. That was the single most humiliating moment of my life.”
“Oh come on, it was romantic!” The grin that accompanied the comment made it clear that it was meant as a joke and Barty knew just how tortuous that little show had been.
“It was embarrassing.”
“Evan, my dear, those are the same thing.”
James smiled at the interaction, remembering the event very well. “I was on the other side of the hall and even I could see how red you went. Bloody priceless, that.” He then turned back to Regulus, leaning his chin against the top of his book and staring at him with the doe eyes he had perfected. Rather ironic, really.
Regulus looked back at him, showing a very good example of the look. James knew that Regulus had already caved, he just needed to give a final nudge before he gave in to his begging. “Please? The song is almost over now anyway! Just the one song, then you can go back to reading and I’ll just sit and plait your hair or something.”
Regulus reached into his robes and took out his wand, pointing it at the record player, causing the arm to lift and slide back across to the moment the song started and placed his book down gently next to him, standing up and reaching down a hand to help James to his feet and pull him to the largest space in the dorm, by the door.
“You actually agreed! Ugh, you know I actually love you so much, right?”
Regulus smiled and rolled his eyes. ‘Sure, Jamie.”
James wasn’t only glad he had managed to get Regulus to dance with him, he was of course, but he was also glad that Regulus was happy whilst doing it.
He saw that look in his eyes, that sparkle that gave away whether his smile was fake or genuine and it told James that he was truly happy in the moment. His laugh as he bounced around the floor in an uncoordinated manner his mother would hate was the laugh he almost never showed to anybody else.
-
James would be lying if he said he never thought about Evan and Barty. He didn’t think of them as much as he did Regulus, of course, but he still did. He probably shouldn’t miss them, they weren’t exactly the closest friends he had and they made their choices, the opposite to the one Jame had. But there had been a time where they had been able to consider each other good friends, so naturally, he couldn’t help but wonder about them sometimes. He wondered if they were still together, if they regretted the side they chose. Did they know the truth about Regulus’ death? He doubted it, nobody did, not really. But did they get letters from Regulus just before it like he did? Probably. Although they probably didn’t get one with a heartfelt final ‘I love you’ speech in it. That was just for him. Regulus always had been soppy like that, no matter how much he liked to deny it.
He should stop zoning out. This wasn’t helping.
Fuck, he was probably crying.
Come on Potter, back to the present, stop moping.
“Prongs? You alright, mate?”
When James was brought back to his senses, the song was long finished, in fact, he could swear the album was getting close to its end. He’d been out of it for a while, no wonder the others looked so panicked.
“Oh, erm, yeah, I’m alright, thanks. I was just gonna…is it okay if I go for a little walk? I’m just a bit tired, I could do with some fresh air. That okay? We’re nearly done here anyway so…”
Sirius stepped back ad nodded, gesturing towards the doorway. “Yeah, no, of course. Take your time. Be careful.”
He nods and steps towards the doorway to the hall, stopping and turning back around just before he does. “Hey, Moony, weird question but when you were out, did you notice is it was cloudy in the sky or…?”
Remus looked curious but didn’t pry. “Well, I don’t usually stare into the sky when I’m carrying four cups of coffee but I did notice that the sky was pretty clear I think the stars all looked a bit brighter than usual. Hell, one of them looked brighter than his one.” He pointed to an outraged Sirius.
“Excuse me? Moony, I am literally the brightest star there, nobody can outshine me! I think you got the wrong star.”
Remus chuckled and shrugged. ‘I got an outstanding in astronomy, love. I’m almost certain it was somewhere near Leo.”
‘Wh-but you can’t even see Leo at this time of year! You’re wrong Remus. I don’t say this often, but you’re wrong.”
James decided to leave them to their bickering and head outside to see if Remus was right.
He was.
Regulus was there, even when he wasn’t supposed to be. When all of science denied him the right. He was there, watching.
He’d like to come and meet us,
But he thinks he’ll blow our minds.