Sirius was out of his mind with worry. Ever since leaving Hogwarts, their little group had been tested, had to fight, and had to learn the new rules of this wild, dangerous, and oh-so-dark world.
The war, the missions, hurt and death - all the unspeakable horrors they all had seen, that Sirius and James had got to know while training to be Aurors had not been enough. Now Prongs had stopped his training indefinitely, Lils had quit as Unspeakable, and they had gone into hiding! Wormy’s mother had become ill, so he was around less and less, and Moony… Moony was also always disappearing, but while Wormtail had a good reason, Remus had been… less than ready to talk about it. Secret order missions he would always answer when asked. Secret missions, Sirius ass! They were a team! There should be no secrets between them, no matter what anybody said -even their esteemed leader! Nobody separated the Marauders like this!
`What if there is another reason? ` a traitorous voice in his head murmured. `No! ` Sirius shook his head, his dark locks flying. `I am tired´, he thought to himself. The traitor is not one of us – especially not Remus. Wormy is just being scared and paranoid, as are all of us. This war is destroying us… I won’t let it! These are my friends; my family and I can trust ALL of them – especially Remus! `
`Then why is he not here yet? Why hasn’t he messaged about the full moon? Why has he sent no message to you at all - for two whole weeks? ´ the voice whispered again.
`No! `Sirius thought desperately. `No! I am losing it. Maybe something went wrong? Maybe he is hurt or has been captured? Merlin, Moony, what is going on? Please be alright! `
Remembering the freedom of his paws beating the ground, as a big black dog played with his friends in the dark forest, breathing the cool and fresh air so full of smells, a transcendent grim broke free from his wand – when had he grasped it? – as Sirius finally transformed his worry into words.
“Moony! Are you alright?! Can I help? You have not been home in two weeks - I know you said you would be away and that it could take time, but…! We have not heard from you at all this week and tonight…! Dumbles says you checked in with him and are fine. Just… a life sign, please? If I don't get one, Wormy and I are gonna find you and hide away all of your chocolate stash! Just…”
And while Sirius would not truly go for Remus chocolate stash – he had learned his lesson, they all had - he could just hope that his friend would react.
***
And so Sirius waited. He had begun to run a hole into the living room floor. There was no immediate response, no whitish-blue mist with comforting, firm words promising all would be explained, as Remus would be there in a moment, no secretive blocking of questions, no Remus.
Stopping his wanderings through the living room, he let a hand slide through his ebony locks. They were - of course - naturally beautiful, even in their dishevelled state (not planned dishevelled as usually, but untamed and very chaotic).
It felt like forever before the wards around their flat signaled to the wizard that someone keyed to them had arrived. Had Remus come home? Or was it Wormy, arriving ready for another moon together? Sirius blinked a moment, unable to move, before throwing himself towards the door, full of hope for his friend's safety, for not being forgotten, for an explanation, and for them to once more feel as nothing could ever hurt them, carefree under the light of the moon.
But his heart also burned with worry, with anger and - though he did not want to - also with a growing flame of distrust and doubt. Why had he disappeared this time? Why the times before? Why had he not talked to anyone, and why did Sirius have to call him home for their time of the month? Was it even the werewolf?
Flinging the door open, he looked at the wizard he had known nearly half of his life, that was one of his best friends, that knew him better than anyone - maybe with the exception of James- and that he should know just as well.
Still, for a moment, it was like looking into the eyes of a stranger. The man in front of him was unmistakeably the same that had disappeared on Sirius a while ago. Same high, same hair, same nose. But that was where the similarities seemed to end. His clothes were even more torn than before, but they stood no chance in what battled for Sirius's attention. There were new scars everywhere skin was visible. Especially three long ones, looking like CLAW MARKS cut through the other's face, fresh and ugly. It must have been luck the eye was saved! And the eyes! Remus’s eyes had always hidden an old soul, weary, wise, and worried beyond his years. But it had always been tempered by sarcastic mischief, humbling kindness, and razor-sharp intelligence. Those qualities were still visible to the black-haired wizard, but the wild spark, that had accompanied those qualities, that had betrayed the innocent look, was gone. Instead, green eyes were now watchful, ancient, and calculating. There was a fire burning in them, one that made Sirius want to hold up his hands and promise not to be trouble, to offer up his throat and show submission as Padfoot. Remus had been a lot, but dominant - threatening even - had never been one of them. For a moment - just one moment - Sirius was scared. All worry for his friend disappeared, and the wizard had to use all self-control not to rear back and shut the door into his friend's face. What was he doing? This was Remus. But what was going on? At that moment, the quiet voice inside his mind was back. What if …? Was this a sign? And just like that, all the anger and worry was back, and he let a cold mask slide over his face, as he went over the usual welcome ritual during these times.
“Fire Whisky, the second year” he challenged, a slight mocking scowl appearing on his face, despite wanting to remain cold, as he remembered.
A memory played in his head, of music, laughter, and Remus warm and comfortable shoulder, as the other had consoled him, one arm slung around his shoulder. That morning, Sirius had got a very unpleasant letter from Walburga Black, driving him to dare something crazy. James and Peter had been so happy to go along, Remus just raising his eyebrows (a very cute look on the small twelve-year-old he had been). And it had worked (so they had thought) as their first `drunk` chaos had been awesome. But when the evening had long turned tonight and two of them had already fallen asleep, as an-out-of-place-hair had been the thing that broke down, what he had been holding in all day. Back then, thinking himself drunk, Sirius had revelled in being free to just break and letting everyone (Remus) believe it was about his vanity. He had never told the true reason to anyone - just one letter, just a few more comments on his unworthiness out of so many. What did it matter? But when he broke down, that was the moment, this friend had been there - and even as it must have seemed very silly to him, the other had caringly (though even back then Sirius had recognized soft amusement in his tone - but not condescending, rather very caring) consoled him, half-hugged him and sat with him, till he fell asleep. When morning came, and Sirius found out the truth - there had never been any alcohol, as Remus had cleverly intercepted it - he hid his embarrassment, aided by Prongs's and Wormtails´s silly behavior the night before and Remus´caring tone. It was one of his fondest memories.
“I will never unsee or unhear ´Wannabe` as you performed it. And if you ever try to cry about your hair again, I will scorch it. Now, what was the problem with that night?” The answer came without hesitation, completely calm, but with a slight teasing. Sirius could not help, but let the scowl deepen, as he answered, still warmed and amused by the memory. “There was never any alcohol – you exchanged the bottle Fire-Whiskey James had procured with one from the kitchens. You told us the house-elves had helped with that gladly after you told them we just wanted to know what it tasted like.”
“Your faces were priceless. And it taught you to never mess with my chocolate stash. So, I know your threat was empty.”
Remus’s words let reality crash down on Sirius like a bucket of cold water. He could feel the playfulness disappear from his face. His emotions started whirling widely, as he motioned for them to enter the flat.
“It still got you here,” he murmured pointedly, but knew he had not hidden his hurt well. What was Remus hiding? What was his problem? Why did he not tell them? Tell him? Why had the world changed so much since he had found a safe haven with the pale boy? Why could they not go back in time?
“As if a normal message would not have.” Remus sharply retorted, the tone raising Sirius's defenses. “I don't know, Moony – would it?” he challenged bitterly.
“Of course, it would have!” Remus growled, which was not what Sirius would have expected, was far from any explanation he really wanted - something Remus should know after all this time together. It was not typical behaviour and made Sirius’s heart freeze - but only for a second, then it erupted, like a volcano into a blazing storm. Why had everything between them changed so much? Why had everything changed so much? But he contained himself. Exploding his tempers’ blazing fury would help no one. Instead, he moved towards the living-room, while mumbling “If you say so” quietly.
He heard the other take a deep breath and tried to mirror him.
When they had reached their living room, where chaos had taken over, referencing Remus´ long absence, Sirius threw him a look, waiting for Remus to reopening a discussion about it, desperately waiting for a bit of normality during these dark times, waiting for a prove they had not changed that much, waited for something so small and unimportant to cling to, to focus on and control the emotional chaos inside him. But instead the other just shoved a stack of CDs to the side to make room for himself on the red sofa.
Sirius remained standing. He was too confused, too lost, too angry to sit down. He balled his hand to a fist, as his head pounded.
Silence settled over them for a while, but soon he could not stand it anymore. So he grasped for control and focused his mounting worry into cold steel, as he asked: “Those scars look fresh – what happened?” He wanted - needed - to know the answer. Whatever Remus - his FRIEND!- was doing, was obviously hurting him. Badly. Why had Remus not come to him for help? Where had he been? The need to know was nearly all-compassing- as was Remus silence. Green, old eyes were just staring at Sirius, not betraying anything.
“I see. Well, at least it did not get infected. Looks great, by the way – really inconspicuous Moons.” broke free bitterly, before he could stop himself. His control was unraveling and the chaos inside him was trying to break free. His worry, anger, fear, his suspicion and the seeming loss of everything familiar - it was too much! He had never been known for keeping his temper in check, and mostly his friends knew how to work with him during this time. Peter would leave him alone. James would let Sirius explode and vent, before distracting him and later mothering him to death. Remus would dissolve the tension with a sarcastic, but caring remark before patiently waiting with a slightly raised eyebrow for Sirius to explain or to let him guide the conversation away from whatever was nagging at him. It would happen now, Sirius knew. Then they could talk it out. It would happen as it always did and in the end, there would be a good explanation for Remus’s absence, and they would be on the same page again. Any moment now…
“Yes, because all the other scars everywhere - including my hands, neck, and face - were already so subtle.” The answer was so different that everything in Sirius stopped dead for a second. That was not… that was not how they worked, was all he could think helplessly. That was not what was supposed to happen!
But the moment broke and any grasp he had on his control was lost.
“What do you want me to say? You haven´t sent any kind of message for over two weeks! Two weeks Remus! Do you know how worried we have been?! We had to hear from Dumbledore that you were alive still! But he did not have any more information either! You did not even show up for TONIGHT on your own accord! I had to discuss with Mad-Eye for HOURS to get tonight off. And you did not show! I had to send my Patronus. And now you walk in here without explanation or care, with new SCARS that look like CLAW MARKS all over your face, and don´t think I did not notice how careful you moved! No word in weeks and coming home beaten and battered!”
Once he had started, he could not stop. Everything inside him poured out, mixed into an ugly, angry explosion of words.
“It has been going on for weeks now! You have not been to see Peter or James and Lily or Alice and Frank or anyone! You have missed two order meetings and your boss told me you have not been working there for a month! Why did you not tell me? We would have helped you! And what is it about these missions? You are tired. You are withdrawn. You are cold. Wherever you are going – it is slowly killing you, and you won't let ANYONE in on your secrets! I thought you knew better than that! And now – lasting scars! What is going on, Remus?! I-”
“JUST SHUT UP FOR ONCE!” Remus’s roar was so loud - and surprising, that Sirius had to listen. Since when did Remus yell? Who was this man wearing his friend’s face?
But the wizard was not finished. He jumped up and continued in a rant of his own. “I would tell you, but you have not even given me a chance to explain! You would rather keep yelling at me until Snape wears a dress! But newsflash: you could not have chosen a worse point in time to unload all this! Forget it – I should have never come. It was a mistake. I will visit sometime next week. Maybe that we can talk like ADULTS, without you dissolving into a tantrum like a TODDLER!”
It was not the werewolf's outburst, but his movement towards the door, continuing to speak with sparkling eyes, that made everything in Sirius grow cold. Remus was… leaving?
What … ?
`It is full moon…” was all Sirius confused and lost mind could think. `He can't be leaving. It is the full moon. We are spending it together, as always. He is just… just calming down. It is the wolf speaking. He will be back in control before he reaches the door. It is just that it is so close to the moon. I should have been more considerate of this. So stupid…. I will make it to him tonight and tomorrow it will be back to normal. We can talk it out then! Of course, he won't leave!´ Helpless, Sirius’s thoughts kept swirling, as he tried to understand his friend's words. … WHAT?
“What are you doing? Why visit me at some point next week? It is full-moon, Remus.” He could hear the confused hurt in his own voice, open and vulnerable.
Remus heard it too, as the other stopped, froze and without turning around answered in a strangely quiet voice Sirius had never heard from him: “I know. And I am leaving. We can talk again when we both have cooled off – before we say anything, we regret.”
“You can't leave again! It is a full moon! Wormy will be here in a few minutes. We have to apparate and get ready for tonight!” Sirius’s world seemed to burr, as something he had clung to so tightly dissolved. This was THEIR time. Their time to be together, to forget the war just for one night, and to slip back into their childhood. It was freedom and fun and togetherness. But most important, it gave Sirius the chance to make sure everyone was alive and unhurt. It was bad enough that James had to miss it all the time - and now Remus WANTED to leave? No, no! Wormy was coming. Remus might be stressed with Sirius, but none of them could really hurt Wormtail. He was too much the protected baby brother in the group for anyone to dare!
Remus' response said something else. With inhuman speed he raced towards the door, whilst murmuring desperately: “He is- No, no I have to leave right now!”
But Sirius did not pay attention to the tone of voice. Instinctively he made a grasp for Remus’s shoulder, and it was pore luck that he succeeded.
“Moony-!” Sirius tried to reason.
“No! You don't understand. If I meet that RAT, I WILL kill him. Now let me go!” The words were growled in a voice barely human and as his world had been disolving before, all that was left shattered with this threat. All his worry, all his anger, all his frustration fell away like splinters. He felt hollow, as he allowed the only voice inside him left to speak, echoing Peter's words just a few days earlier. “He was right… I did not want to believe it, but he was right. We only talked about it once…. All this time you were … you were the spy!” He had not wanted to believe it. War was making them all paranoid and when Wormtail had started with these suspicions, Sirius had thought the other had just hid a low spot, had just needed someone to vent to, someone to tell him he was seeing ghosts (not literary of course). But since then, Sirius had to use all his might to silence his own suspicions and mistrust. Peter´s words would not be forgotten, and the facts seemed to fit so perfectly… now there was nothing left to silence them.
That was when his temper recovered when his anger, his devastation, and his hurt over this immense and complete betrayal roared to life - not a blazing inferno this time, but a storm of ice.
But before he could do or say anything else, suddenly he was pinned to the wall, held up only by strong fingers pressing into the soft flesh of his neck. Remus would never…! TRAITOR!
As he stared into the glowing golden eyes of the predator in whose grasp he was, Sirius had never before felt this raw fear. His head spun from hitting the wall with too much force, and he could not move. He did not even think to go for his wand.
They did not move for what felt like forever before Remus moved away. Sirius could not help but let slip a sigh of relief. Remus had barely hurt him, but right now that did not matter.
Suddenly, the wolfman was back a once familiar voice growled lowly, but the rush in Sirius’s head was too loud to listed. “...tortured to insanity … betray my FRIENDS, my PACK…. lose my FAMILY, including Lily, James, and YOU - again.” Before he could make sense of it, he felt a warm breath by his ear, declaring firmly: “I would NEVER serve HIM!”, as familiar magic rushed through him healing him what little had been hurt.
Then Remus was gone.
Sirius slid down the wall he had been pressed against just a moment prior.
`Never serve HIM? But he was ready to kill Wormy - it was not a joke. I know his jokes. Or do I? I have to protect Peter! I have to protect James and Lily! Remus would never…but that tone… no, you will not hurt them!`That was the only thought Sirius could cling to. Whatever was going on, whatever Remus’s declaration at the end had meant, it did not matter. Remus clearly was not fighting WITH them anymore. Not when he was ready to murder one of their best friends! But Sirius would protect the crumbling remains of his family - at all costs!