all my elegies eulogize me

When Sirius was born, Walburga had known that he would be a handful. And her suspicions were correct; Sirius Orion Black, ever the rambunctious child, was not shy about his distaste for the family. The young boy’s bedroom walls were plastered with lewd photos from muggle magazines, the pounding bass of Led Zeppelin hard to ignore. Then came along Regulus Black. The secondary Black heir, exemplary son of Walburga and Orion Black. The prodigal son, born two years after Sirius, destined for greatness since the day he arrived. Walburga knew that Sirius was a lost cause; but if she began early enough, she knew that Regulus would follow in the proper footsteps, and become a true Black heir.

That was, until, the night Sirius Black ran away. Regulus remembered it vividly; the hot tears streaming down his face, begging his big brother not to leave. The look in Sirius’ eyes was permanently stamped into his mind forever. It was a look of sorrowful, horrified pity. Sirius knew that leaving Grimmauld place meant that he would never come back. And never coming back meant never seeing his Little Star, Regulus, outside of school.

“Reggie,” Sirius asked, voice raw. “Do not let her corrupt you. Whatever you do, do not allow her to do that to you,” He begged. Regulus sniffled, wiping the tears away from his cheeks with the sleeve of his coat.

“Will you be safe?” Regulus asked. “Where will you go?”

Sirius nodded, wiping Regulus’ eyes with his thumb. “I will. I can’t tell you where I go. But listen to me now, Little Star, if you ever need to leave…just say my name. The floo will lead you to me.”

Regulus remembered how hard the large wooden door slammed behind Sirius. He remembered how Walburga raged, ripping Sirius’ portrait down from the long corridor, burning his face off the tree. He remembered how his body burned as he was hit with the Cruciatus curse, remembering how petrifying Sirius’ screams echoed against the walls. Regulus could only imagine how he sounded.

The floo will lead you to me.

Regulus etched those words into his mind forever. a constant reminder that he could leave if he needed to. Leaving wasn’t the hard part. He could do that in a heartbeat. The difficult part was gathering the courage to leave, figuring out the perfect time to abandon his family, his duties, and everything he had known.

One year later is when Regulus knew he had to leave.

“Chin up, boy. We mustn’t have another hitch in our plan now, hm? You remember what happened to your dear brother, don’t you?” Walburga cooed, using her wand to lift Regulus’ chin to eye level. His silver eyes were glazed over, blood dripping from his nose, splattering onto the perfectly polished tiled floor beneath him. The boy’s body burned, as if it were being scorched by the light of a thousand suns. Walburga had used the Cruciatus curse on him again, the only difference being that she did not hold back this time. The only thing keeping him on this plane of reality was the harsh grip of his mother’s magic, holding his hands behind his back.

The floo will lead you to me.

Walburga dropped her wand, letting it slide down into the holder on her waist. She grabbed Regulus’ chin, perfectly manicured fingernails leaving half circles against the skin of his jaw. “Tell me, boy,” Walburga spat, her refusal to use his name apparent. “Do you wish to end up like your brother? A filthy blood traitor, fraternizing with the enemy?”

Regulus breathed heavily, the metallic taste of his blood creeping into his mouth. “If it means…getting out of here…” He breathed out, his silver eyes meeting her cold ones. “I want nothing more.”

Walburga roared, pushing his chin back and sending him flying against the wall. “You filthy traitor! I should have never let your brother corrupt you. I should have kept you locked away, hidden from everyone, so he could never get to you,” She bellowed, slapping Regulus across the cheek. “Maybe then I would have a decent son. It seems as though you have disappointed me yet again.” The large stones on her rings cut him, more blood dripping down his neck. Then came one, two, three more slaps, each slap bringing another deep cut into his cheek.

The floo will lead you to me.

Regulus could have cried in relief when she finally left him alone, her magic bindings still stinging his wrists long after they had been released. He breathed for a few moments, dark hair falling into his eyes before he shakily stood up. He didn’t trust his legs to hold him for very long, so he quickly made his way to his bedroom. Pulling the large trunk out from under his bed, he slung it onto his mattress, clicking the locks and letting it fall open. He stuffed as many things into his trunk as he could; an extra pair of pants, a sweater, old notes and letters he had shared with Sirius, important items and photos, school supplies, and books. And the stuffed bear Sirius had sent him for his birthday. Regulus then sat in his bedroom for the last time, waiting until he heard the clicking footsteps of his mother’s high-heeled shoes stop, before he made his move.

If Regulus was pressed, he couldn’t put a name to the feeling in his stomach. It was almost a sour, tangy churning, like if he opened his mouth to even breathe, he would go running back into the large manor. His body felt cold and rigid, like every step he took towards the future made his bones freeze and stick together. He supposed the closest thing he could compare this feeling to was guilt. Guilt for leaving his mother behind, for breaking his oath to his family. But the guilt in his chest, the churning in his stomach, was a small price to pay for freedom. Freedom from the burden he carried on his shoulders. As he carried his trunk down the stairs, and to the floo spot in the den, he knew he was making the right decision. He grabbed a handful of powder, stepped inside the floo network, and said his destination.

“Sirius Black,” Regulus spoke, dropping the floo powder.

Regulus Black landed unceremoniously in the living room of an ordinary-looking home. He grimaced, the burning in his body returning as his body throbbed. “Fuck,” He groaned out, writhing on the carpet in the unfamiliar home. Regulus heard two pairs of footsteps come bolting down the stairwell, which he tried to sound out until he heard an all too familiar voice choke back a sob.

“Oh, Little Star,” Sirius exclaimed, throwing himself over the banister to run towards his brother. Regulus laid on the carpet of the den, body seething in pain as he groaned. Sirius pushed his trunk out of the way, inspecting his baby brother’s face. Sirius pushed his brother’s dark hair out of his face, face turning up in fear. The gashes in his face were deep, still dripping blood down his face. He had burn marks all across his neck, presumably from some kind of binding curse Walburga had placed upon him. His wrists were raw and red, his hands shaking as Regulus lay on the ground. Anger bubbled deep within Sirius, but that wasn’t important right now. James looked onto the sight of his best friend’s brother, battered and bruised, as a rage akin to Sirius’ filled his chest. He gripped the railing of the stairs, his knuckles turning white. How that woman could be so vile, so abhorrent, so repugnant, was beyond James’ imagination. 

“James, please go get your mum and dad,” Sirius begged, which pulled the curly-haired boy out of his thoughts. James nodded and bounded up the stairs, knocking on his parent’s bedroom door.

“Reggie, what did she do to you?” Sirius asked, helping Regulus sit up. The smaller boy coughed, wincing as he felt his body ache. “Sirius…” Regulus began, turning to stare at his older brother. “It worked, the floo brought me to you,” He said, smiling the best he could.

Sirius could have started sobbing right then and there. “It did, Reggie. It worked,” He said, running his fingers through his little brother’s hair. “What happened?” Regulus winced, looking down at the raw skin of his wrists. His fingers grazed them softly, Sirius’ eyes following the other boy’s fingers. “I…” He said, frowning. “I wanted to stand up to her. Mother didn’t like that,” He whispered. “She, uh…she used the Cruciatus curse on me. Twice.”

Sirius stared at his brother, eyes filling with tears. “Twice?”

The Slytherin nodded. “Once after you left, and once more tonight.” He muttered, unable to bring his voice higher. He was thankful, then, that Euphemina and Fleamont came thundering down the stairs, immediately beginning to tend to Regulus’ wounds. James helped Sirius bring Regulus into the spare bedroom, sitting him down on the full-sized bed. Regulus looked positively horrible, and Sirius couldn’t bear to be away from him. But for the sake of Regulus, and Sirius’ already bubbling rage, James pulled Sirius away from the bedroom and into their own.

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It took Sirius Black three hours to calm down.

“The bloody Cruciatus curse, James! She used it on him twice in a year!” He exclaimed. running his fingers through his hair. The seventeen-year-old seethed with anger, causing James to sit across their shared room on their old couch. “That woman is so vile, so disgusting. I know she used a less harmful version on me when I left, the bloody woman decided to take some pity on me. But she used the full-blown curse on him! How dare she!” Sirius exclaimed, getting all worked up again. James frowned.

The boy sighed, running his fingers through his unruly curly hair. “Your mother’s a cunt,” James simply stated, which caused Sirius to snort. “Believe me, Jamie, we all know that.”

Sirius flopped down into his bed, staring up at the ceiling. “I should go check up on him and make sure he’s okay,” He said, starting to get up. James quickly shot up, pushing him back down onto his bed. “Nope, you’ve gotten up six times in the past three hours to make sure he’s okay. Then, when you see how hurt he is, you get all riled up and you get angry again. I get it, he’s your little brother, but you need to let him rest. You too, loser.” James said. “If you really want to know if he’s okay, I’ll go sit with him for a little bit. Deal?” James asked, holding his hand out for Sirius. 

Sirius sighed, reaching his hand up and shaking his best friend’s firmly. “Fine, I guess I’ll sleep.” He relented, climbing under his bed covers.

“Cool. I’ll be back soon,” James said before pushing his glasses up on his nose, leaving their bedroom and heading towards the guest bedroom Regulus was sleeping in for the time being. He knocked on the door a few times, waiting for Regulus to respond.

“Sirius, if it’s you again, you need to sleep,” Regulus called, his voice muffled through the doorway. James laughed softly, shaking his head even though Regulus couldn’t see him. “Uh, no, it’s James.”

“Oh,” Regulus said, a bit quieter. “You can come in if you’d like.”

James pushed open the door, stepping inside and smiling warmly at Regulus. “How are you doing?” He asked, shutting the door behind him. The boy immediately sighed, cringing internally. “You’ve probably been asked that a million times, haven’t you?” James remarked. Regulus nodded, his dark hair falling into his eyes. 

“Your family is very kind, thank you for letting me stay here,” Regulus said, adjusting on the bed slightly. James took note of how Regulus hadn’t gotten under the covers yet; in fact, though it had been hours since his wounds had been patched, he hadn’t even gotten into his pajamas.

“Did you bring any clothes?” James asked. Regulus stiffened, swallowing hard.

“Uh…no. I did not. Just a sweater and an extra pair of trousers,” Regulus said quietly. James nodded, clearing his throat. “I know I’m not the same size as you, but I have extra pajama pants if you’d like to wear them.” He offered. A bright pink flush covered Regulus’ pale cheeks, and he chewed on his bottom lip. “I don’t want to ask you to do that,” Regulus said.

James shook his head, moving towards the door again. “Regulus, it’s totally fine. My mum always taught me that sharing is important, especially in dire situations. Not to be rude, but sleeping in a button down shirt and dress pants doesn’t seem the most comfortable.” He said, grinning. Regulus stifled a laugh. “No, I suppose not. Thank you, James. I know how much you mean to Sirius, and you truly didn’t need to extend this much kindness towards me,” Regulus said. “I appreciate it greatly, I can only hope that I am able to repay you in the future.”

“Nonsense, Regulus, you have no need to repay me or my family. Sirius is like family to me, so I’d do anything for the people he cares about. Especially you,” James said, his cheeks bright pink. Regulus’ eyes widened slightly and he sent a small smile towards James. “I…thank you,” The Slytherin responded, looking down and fidgeting with his hands.

James nodded, looking down at his feet. “Uh,” He said, clearing his throat. “I’m gonna go grab you some clothes.” He said before quickly leaving the room. Regulus nodded, though he knew no one could see him. 

As if the universe was listening to every prayer James spoke, Sirius had fallen asleep by the time James returned to their bedroom. He breathed a sigh of relief, thankful that his best friend didn’t see him so flustered after leaving Regulus’ bedroom. Talking with Regulus seemed so…easy. It’s like they fell into a pattern, like an ocean crashing against the sand of a beach. A perfect rhythm. James closed his eyes, letting his head rest back against their bedroom door.

“I’m fucked .” He whispered, before exhaling a breath he didn’t even know he was holding. James walked over to his dresser, pulling out a pair of cotton pajama pants and one of his band t-shirts; a Beatles shirt, to be exact. He remembered when he found it at a muggle thrift store with Sirius a few months prior. James snuck out of his bedroom again, shutting the door softly behind him. He walked back towards Regulus’ room, knocking on the door once again.

“Come in,” Regulus’ voice said, soft as silk. James swallowed hard, pushing that thought down deeper into his stomach. He opened the door and saw Regulus standing in the middle of the room, in the process of taking his deep blue dress shirt off. He adverted his eyes, holding out the clothes for Regulus. “They might be a bit big, I hope you don’t mind,” James said.

Regulus nodded. “Thank you, I’m sure they’ll be fine. Anything is better than what I’m wearing.” Regulus spoke softly, laughing under his breath. James smiled and laughed, turning to face the door. “Just let me know when you’re done changing.”

After a few moments filled with the soft shuffling of clothing, Regulus spoke again. “You can turn around,” He said, heading back towards the bed. James turned around and flushed pink again, underestimating just how large his clothes would be on Regulus. His body wasn’t scrawny by any means, but James was much larger due to years of playing Quidditch both as a kid and at school. So, needless to say, Regulus looked…tiny.

“You don’t need to stay here all night if you don’t want to,” Regulus said, crossing his legs in the bed. James shrugged. “I think Sirius would have a conniption if I didn’t stay here for a bit longer,” He argued. “Is it alright if I sit on the bed with you? I’m not that tired if you aren’t, I know you’ve had a rough day.” James asked. Regulus nodded and scooted over, making some more room for James.

The larger boy slid onto the bed next to Regulus, letting his back rest against the headboard. “You know, you’re a damn good seeker at school,” James remarked. Regulus turned his head to look at the other boy. “You think so?” He asked.

James nodded. “Yeah. I know Sirius was scared you were gonna get hurt when you first started,” He laughed, thinking back to their second year of school. “You’re in the year behind us, yeah?” James asked, looking back at Regulus. The smaller boy nodded, fiddling with his hands. “Yes, I’m in my fifth year right now,” He responded.

“Did you play Quidditch before you joined the team?” James inquired, which led Regulus to shake his head. James stared at him dumbfounded. “I knew how to fly, but mother…Walburga always said that it was improper for the Black family to engage in such rambunctious sports such as Quidditch. She forced me into piano lessons, chess, more dignified activities. She tried to do it with Sirius as well, but he ended up buying himself a broom when he was 9 after he stole some galleons out of her purse.” Regulus recounted.

“He stole her money and bought himself a broom? Bloody brilliant!” James remarked, laughing along with Regulus. The pair spent the night talking, letting the moonlight illuminate the bedroom. And when Euphemina came in the next morning to change Regulus’ bandages, she saw her son, asleep, with Regulus’ head laid on her son’s shoulder, and James with an arm wrapped lazily across Regulus’ shoulders. Euphemina smiled warmly to herself before shutting the door behind her, deciding to come back at a later time.