It was a late August evening. The weather was warm but not too hot, because of the slight wind lightly blowing. We were sat under a big, white canopy in the middle of the forest. There was only a handful of people gathered that day. The loud chatter could be heard from all directions. I was sat at my best friend's right side. I was his best man. When he first asked me, I was hesitant. Not because I didn't feel up to it. Not even because it's quite unusual and not very traditional to have a woman as a best man. No. I would do anything for him. And that's the problem. I loved him; I was in love with Remus. But my love has always been one sided. I tried, I really tried to move on, to rationalize the situation. I wanted to, so bad. I wanted to be happy and find love… reciprocated love.... The thing was, I couldn't command my heart.
When he told me the news of his engagement, it was as if someone stabbed my heart with a dagger. I didn't want it to be real.
Lastly, I agreed. I wanted him to be happy, very much so. And although it broke my heart, I wanted to be there for him on his big day.
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On my right was seated Lyall, Remus's father, next was James and Lilly and furthest to the right of the table was Sirius. On Bride's left were her family and friends. I knew some of them but couldn't make out all the faces.
We just came from outside from the ceremony and we all sat down. Sirius tapped his glass to get everyone's attention." It's time for the married couple to have their first dance." He announced and motioned for the bride and groom to make their way to the dance floor.
As I watch them begin to dance, tears were threatening to spill from behind my eyes. familiar voice snapped me out of my thoughts. „I never really assumed that he'll have the courage to propose." I looked up to Lyall smiling. „You know...with his condition, he always believed that he couldn’t have a normal life. You, James, and Sirius really helped him, back in the school. He was extremely nervous at the beginning of the first year. I was surprised when he wrote me few days later about having found new friends. And the animagi thing you did." He smirked at me, and I just chuckled. „It was a truly selfless thing of you three to do for him. Reckless and illegal, but wholehearted. Thank you." I was getting emotional again. "We love him. And that's what friends are for - to help each other out. Besides, the animagi thing has its perks, you know." I smirked and took a sip of champagne as he laughed.
'We love him'. My words echoed in my head. Of course, we do, but I do a differently than the boys. I sighed when my eyes wondered back to the dancing couple. He held her close. Her head rested on his chest and his cheek was placed to her head. As they swayed to the music, they whispered something to each other, here and there. Lyall seemed to pick on my sigh. He placed his hand on my shoulder. “I’m sure one day you will find someone and experience love like theirs." He said honestly. I looked at him smiling and nodded. The truth was I didn't know if that was possible. I wanted it more than anything in the world...but alas.
As the song ended, they kissed. It was a long loving kiss. That kind of kiss, that says 'You are my universe, you're the breath in my lungs, the blood in my veins, you're my other half'. Part of me was broken but the other one was happy. I truly was glad that he's found his happiness. I just selfishly wished it was with me.
Soon after their dance, the music changed to more upbeat one and the dance floor was filling up with other people. I quickly drank another glass of champagne in hopes to relax. I wasn't feeling like myself that day. Usually, I would be confidently the first person to dance. I eventually got to the dance floor and started dancing to the music.
"Having fun?" Sirius asked as he made his way to me. "Sure!" I lied with a forced smile. He sensed it. "You alright, Paws?" He stopped dancing and tilted his head in concern. “Oh, yeah, I'm fine." I pretended to cheer up. „You? Where's Eliot anyway?" I tried to change the subject. He knew I wasn't fine. Same as he knew that I'll probably tell him in my own time, so he didn't push it. "He went to congratulate Ems and Moony." He explained. We danced next to each other. The music changed to a slow song again. I stopped dancing and as I was about to walk away Sirius grabbed my hand, turning me around to face him. “May I have a dance?” He asks with the usual smirk playing on his lips.
We would do stuff like this for each other sometimes. Back in the school, a boy ditched me on the Yule ball and Sirius offered to be my date instead. Or a year ago when I went as his plus one to his brother's wedding. We were always a bit closer than the boys.
“Always.” I chuckled, now honestly. I placed my other hand on his shoulder as he putted his around my waist. We swayed to the tones of Are You Lonesome Tonight. ´how fitting´ I thought to myself. I was fully in my thoughts when his words snapped me out of the trance.
“It's because of him, isn't it?” He asked. My eyes widened slightly, and I looked away. Does he know? He surely doesn't know. No, there's no way. “I don't know what you're talking about.” I tried to say confidently but it came out almost as a whisper. I still didn't dare to look into his eyes. “Oh Myra.” I finally shared his gaze which held a sorrow and pity. That was it for me. Tears started running down my cheeks.” I-… I-“ I tried but couldn't get any words out. He immediately took me into tight embrace. After a while he pulled away. Let's go outside, shall we?” He suggested. I just nodded, worrying that if I spoke, I would break.
Thankfully there wasn't anyone outside besides us. After a while I broke the silence. “Do you have a smoke?” I asked, my voice hoarse, pain behind it. He looked at me a bit surprised. Under different circumstances he would've made sure to tease me about what I just said, but he knew better now. He answered with a slow nod and took out a package from a pocket on his blazer. He held it to me, and I took one. He did the same. We flicked our fingers simultaneously and lit our cigarettes. I took a long pull and slowly I exhaled the smoke.
“How did you know?” I broke the silence once again. Dry tears on my cheeks and new threatening to spill out. I was breathing heavily now. “The way you look at him.” He paused. “I knew since Switzerland.”
Oh. That was two years ago. All of us friends went on a ski holiday to Switzerland for Christmas. After a long day of skiing and hiking we were relaxing our cabin. We´ve had a few drinks and played some board games in the big living room. Eventually everyone went to sleep. Only one’s left were me and Remus. We sat covered in blankets in front of a big fireplace and talked. We discussed the work; we recalled some good memories from school and then we talked about our plans for future. That was when he first mentioned her. Emmeline. He said that they've bumped into each other in the Diagonal alley 2 months ago and went for a coffee. His eyes were lit up when he spoke about her, about their dates, about how he feels with her. How, although they've had been together just for a small period, he's had this feeling that she's the one. Pieces of my heart were slowly falling apart with each of his word. I was debating whether to tell him about my feeling. And I was seriously considering it that night, but after that, I couldn't. He was so happy. I couldn't ruin it. So, I've just listened. Ever since then I've just listened and tried to be a good friend. I wanted to move on, I've wanted to burry my feelings for him, I've had to… “That's amazing Moony, I'm so happy for you” I've said, hugging him after he told me all of that. I was silently crying as I held him. Standing up quickly, I was thankful for the dim lightning in the room so that he didn’t see my tears. Or so I thought. ”I am pretty tired…let's just call it a night.” I said trying to remain as stoic as possible. I swayed on my heals and quickly made my way out of the room, not hearing him call after me. As I was rushing up the stairs I bumped into Sirius. He didn't scare me. In instant I murmured my quick apology and sprinted into my room. Collapsing on my bed I began sobbing silently and eventually drifted off to sleep. From that nigh it was just getting worse.
“After you ran into me, I saw you were crying, so I went to Remus to find out what happened, but he'd just thought that you got upset because what he said might've brought back pain from your last relationship. He was, and still is truly oblivious. I knew right away though. “
There was a long silence. Neither of us knowing what to say.
“Please don't te- “
“I won't.” He cut me off. I looked at him and gave him a weak smile. “I am so sorry, Paws” He added after a while and hugged me. We stayed like this for what felt like hours. I pulled away.” We should get back. Eliot will be probably looking for you and… I'll have to give my speech eventually.” I stated and let out a chuckle. “You know, you don't have to do it. I'll just say that you aren’t feeling well and went to bed” He offered with an emphatic chuckle. He wasn't very good with emotions. And neither was I. And although we wouldn't say a lot, we would always find the right words to comfort the other. “No, I can't do that to him. He still is my friend. And… I am happy for them… for him….” I trailed off. Sirius just nodded. “Shall we?” He motioned to the canopy. I quickly whipped my tears and with a wave of a wand fixed my dishevelled makeup. “We shall.” I said with a face smile. I took his hand and we headed back inside.
“Oi, Sirius!” Eliot called walking to us. “Here you are.” He said with a smile and gave him a peck on the lips. Sirius smiled. “Just needed some fresh air, 's all.” “By fresh air you mean a smoke?” He asked with a small chuckle. “Well, yeah.” He waved it off with a smirk. “I'll catch up with you guys after my speech.” I said, worry hidden behind it. “Good luck.” They said in sync, but Sirius had worry behind his eyes. I gave him a half smile and went to sit down. Dorcas as Emmelyn’s maid of honour gave her speech prior and now it was my turn. As soon as everybody was seated once again, I stood up and tapped a glass few times while clearing my throat. Now with all the attention on me, I put my glass down.
“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming here tonight to celebrate the wedding of two people we all love, Remus and Emmeline!” I started confidently. I haven't written my speech down. I just knew that the right words would find its way to me. I knew because I would be speaking from the heart.
“You know, the best man speech is known for throwing out some of the most embarrassing aspects of the groom’s past. Funny stories from school or bringing up bad haircuts, but I won't be doing just that. Firstly, I would like to make it clear to everyone just why Ems has decided to marry our Moony.
There are three rather simple reasons.
Firstly, he’s got a great taste. He did choose me as his best man after all.” I said, as it was the most obvious thing in the world. Everybody laughed. “Take that Sirius and James!” I addressed them smirking. They just shook their heads in amusement.
“Secondly,” I said now on more serious note and looked at Remus.” When he loves, he loves hard. There isn't a better friend I could ask for.” I gave him a wide smile, fighting back tears. ” And I know that he'll love you 'till his last breath Emmeline.” I smiled at her honestly. It was true. Remus was devoted to her. He loved her wholeheartedly.
“And finally, he’s a handsome fellow.” I said with a smirk looking back at him. ”Although...” I looked at Mary, then at him, then at Mary and then back at the guests. ”Standing up here looking at him next to Mary, you could have done a bit better girl.“. I said smirking. The laughter echoed throughout the tent. They all knew I was joking. He was beautiful. Inside out.
Behind my smile was a sore and hurt expression. He really was handsome. His sandy brown locks, his deep blue-greenish eyes, his lovely smile worth the world…His scars… His beautiful scars that told his story. I adored every inch of that man. But it was wrong. I shouldn't. I quickly schooled myself. The laughter slowly died out and I carried on.
“When he first told me about Emmeline, I knew that she was the woman Remus would end up marrying.” I truly knew, although I didn't want to believe it, I knew they'll end up together at some point. My expression changed slightly. I was trying to put on my best act. My words were true to the last bit. But they were meant different than what people heard. ´Calm down! Be fucking happy for him! Merlin, get yourself together woman! ´ I thought to myself.
”They talk about a bride’s glow, but this man was shining since the moment they went out for the first time. He couldn’t stop talking about her ever since.” I paused and turned to Remus.
“I've known you since our first school day Moony.” I glanced back to the guests. ”A shy, lanky, tall boy came and asked if he could sit in our compartment in Hogwarts express… Oh! And to think about all the crazy things we did from that day on. I'm pretty sure that all of our escapades would make a bestseller...” I chuckled along with everyone. My eyes were locked with his once again. “You're truly like a brother to me Remus…, to all three of us.” What a lie. I gestured to where James and Sirius were sitting. They smiled and nodded. I silenced myself for a brief second, my sight beginning to blur with tears. I took a deep breath and continued.
“But now we've gathered here 15 years later, Remus has grown into a wonderful man and he’s sure to be a wonderful husband to you Mary.” I looked at her, using all my strength to not let my tears spill. “As long as you can get past his infatuation with Chocolate,” I said and she laughed along with some other people. I smiled… Those two were happy. “And the fact that his nerdy side tends to get over him sometimes, don't worry though, his furry side will sure make up for that.” I added. Sirius and James could be heard cracking up. “you'll make it through anything!” I beamed cheerfully and paused once again. I looked at him and then at her. They are perfect for each other. I took another deep breath.
“She was the one from the very beginning Remus, and we’re all so happy to be able to take part in your big day.” Those last words were my breaking point. Hot tears were now gliding down my cheeks. To everyone they must've looked like tears of happiness from the sentiment. Only Sirius knew that that was not the whole true. I raised my glass.
“To Remus and Emmeline!” I added swiftly as a distraction from my crying. The crowd echoed and the couple shared a sweet kiss.
I was about to vanish outside when I felt someone's hand grab mine and pull me into a hug. It was Remus. I couldn't mask my emotions anymore. Tears now running from my eyes as a waterfall. But he didn't see that. “Thank you. It means the world to me.” He whispered. I smiled at his words. Always so kind, I thought. I pulled away. “I- … need to get some fresh air” I stumbled, turned around and rushed away quickly, not meeting his eyes. I made my way through the crowd. Finally, outside, now sobbing. There was a male voice coming from behind me, calling my name. It might've been Remus, but I didn't hear him as I apparated.
My feet landed on sand. This was our place- the Marauders beach (as we called it) which we stumbled upon years ago. It was small, well-hidden beach in the north-east Wales. We went to visit Remus during the summer holidays one year, and we made a trip to beach. Us being typical us, we decided to explore the surroundings a little. It has been our safe place ever since. I would come here to cry, to shout, to reflect or to just escape everything.
I took off my sandals and walked along the beach with my bare feet. The warm, summer- night breeze caressing my skin.
I thought about my sudden departure. I hoped that people wouldn't get worried. I decided to send Patronus just in case. ´I am sorry for leaving early. I wasn't feeling well. ´ I said to the wolf that was prancing around me. Wolf has always been my Patronus. Same as Remus's. The thought of him made my eyes swell up with tears again. This is it. Our friendship would not be the same. I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was too much. I sat down and watched the water rise and fall, the beautiful reflection of moon in the water. It was calming. I'll get over this. I just need to distance myself from him for a while. It will pass. It simply must!
I got up and walked up to the water to cool down my swollen feet. I stepped in; the chill of the water sent shivers up my legs. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply few times.
“Thought I'll find you here.” A voice came from behind me.
“Gee, you scared me!” I jumped. Sirius just chuckled and came over to me.
“Didn't you get my Patronus?” I furrowed my brows, surprised to see him there.
“I did, and I told everyone, don't worry. I just wanted to check in on you.” He reassured and squeezed my shoulder. ”The speech was beautiful, really.” He said, breaking the silence in hopes to release the tension. I looked up at him. “Yeah, well…” I trailed of. I've had no tears left to cry. I feared what will come next. I knew that I would hurt him by avoiding him. But what else was I supposed to do? I simply can't tell him. He's happy.
We sat down on the sand, leaning against each other. The silence was now comfortable. I closed my eyes and tried to enjoy the calm present. Silence before the storm, that's more accurate description.
“It will past eventually, Paws.” His words made me want to scream, but I knew he meant it well. What is one even supposed to say to someone in a situation like this? ´It will pass´ That’s what I thought 2 years ago. But it didn't.
“You can go back. You don't have to be stuck here with me. I'm sure you'll have more fun there.” I said, not wanting to ruin his night. “I'm staying here with you. I don't want you to be alone.”
“Thank you for being here.” I said after a while. “That's what friends are for.” He said hugging me.