Fate

10:02pm

Remus finally discovered where Sirius was after searching for him all around the Gryffindor common room, the girls’ dorms (they sometimes give him makeovers) and the boys’ dorms, he even went to the Quidditch pitch because he thought Sirius would be blowing off steam with James as he was missing from the common room as well. ‘What in the bloody hell is going on with my friends?’ Remus thought to himself as he felt the dull ache in his head. The full moon was coming up soon. He was dreading it, the transformation was grim, breaking every bone in his body to turn into an uncontrollable beast for the night. It was awful. 

Remus knew where Sirius was because when he tried to open the bathroom door, something was blocking it–more like someone. Remus could also hear quiet sniffling, added along with the crying.The older Black brother had his back on the door, blocking anyone to come in. Remus frowned and started to knock on the hardwood, slightly frantic. He called Sirius’ name without thinking, all filled up with panic, listening as his weeping suddenly stopped. He went to knock again. 

“Sirius?”

“What?” His voice was itchy and rough with emotion. 

“May I come in?”

“Yeah.”

Remus could hear shuffling from behind the door. The door suddenly opened, he was staring at Sirius, his eyes red-rimmed. Wordlessly, he reached out to Sirius’ cheek, cupping it with his palm and with his thumb, he tenderly wiped away the streak of tears. Remus heard the other boy inhale sharply. His eyes darted exactly to the striking blue and grey eyes. He could tell the touch soothed him, the tension eased from Sirius’ body– only a little though. 

The tears began anew before Remus had even spoken, quiet, slipping down his rosy cheeks hot and fresh. The werewolf grasped Sirius’ shoulders and embraced him delicately; Sirius’ hands clenched onto Remus’ sweater tightly as if he thought Moony was going to disappear through his hands. Remus had his fingers latching through Sirius’ long locks, caressing his hair affectionately.

Through his weeping, Sirius choked out the words: “It- It’s Reggie.”

“Hey, hey.” Remus mumbled under his breath, slightly shrugging his shoulder that Sirius had his chin on to try to get his attention. 

“Hm?”

“Want a fag? I don’t know about you, but it helps me relax.” He asked, observing Sirius. 

“Alright, I suppose.” Sirius silently stepped out of Remus’ embrace and sat on the windowsill, waiting for the other boy to get the cigarettes out. 

He glanced at Remus looking around the room for the fags in his after-crying state. “Have you ever had one of these before?” He asked, holding out a cigarette from his Sterling pack. 

“Um, yeah. I used to smoke them in the living room back in Grimmauld Place to piss off Mo— Walburga.” Sirius recalled, lighting the cigarette and welcoming the burning smoke down his throat. 

“Sounds like you.” Remus mused, huffing out a laugh. They drifted off into a silence, looking out into the view of Hogwarts whilst sitting opposite each other on the lengthy windowsill. 

After Sirius finished, he threw his fag away. Unwillingly, all the feelings and thinking came back to him. 

I miss Reggie. Doesn’t Reggie miss me? Of course not, he hates me. Oh Merlin, what if Mother hurts him? Obviously she does, it’s Mother. No, not my mother anymore. What will Reggie do? Why couldn’t he just come with us? Why did he have to be such a stubborn pain in the arse for? I miss my Reggie. I hate putting up an act. I bet he thinks I hate him. I wish I could’ve dragged him to the Potters’ against his will. Though, he might’ve hated me for the rest of my life. This is all my fault. 

Before he knew it, he was pacing the dorm room, his breathing getting quicker. Heavier. Panting. Hyperventilating. He couldn’t help it. Sirius was doomed. Was he getting suffocated by an imaginary bag? Or did his mother beat him to it? Were these her hands clawing at his throat blocking his airway? Is this what dying feels like? 

Remus frantically threw the cigarette out of the window and embraced Sirius, his hand clasping onto Sirius’ cheeks, touching their foreheads together,  trying to calm him down to the best of his abilities. “Love, this is a panic attack. Listen to my voice. Please.” 

Sirius clutched onto Remus’ sleeves once again, holding onto that glimpse of reality. “Sirius, breathe with me, in, out, and in, and out. Listen to me.” Remus demonstrated the breathing techniques and repeated them until the boy in his arms relaxed. They stayed like that for what felt like hours—but it was only for a few minutes. 

“Do you want to lay on the bed with me?” Remus asked patiently. 

“Please.” 

Remus took Sirius’ delicate hands and led them both to his bed, and he let the other boy lay on him whilst Remus lazily stroked his hair to soothe him, watching his eyes flutter shut from the comfort. Whilst Remus had gotten comfy in his bed, Sirius took in the sight of him, and then he freely snuggled up to Remus’ side with one of his legs nonchalantly laying on the other boys’ side. Remus hoped, with his silence, it would be an invitation for Sirius to talk. To fill the silence with whatever itchy thoughts plagued his beautiful mind. 

Remus thought right.

“It’s Regulus.” Sirius stated, eyes boring into the ceiling. “I— remember the argument me and Reggie had the other day?” Remus nodded. “Well, it’s just that. And it’s just made me think I’m a terrible brother to him. That family has made him cruel. It’s all because of me. If I stayed there, then at least my brother wouldn’t have become cold and harsh. And now every time he looks at me, I get this really guilty feeling and I just want to reverse time to where things were simple and it was just me and him against the world. And now I’ve seen James give Regulus looks, like they’re friends or something. I don’t even know what to do anymore.” Sirius’ heart ached for his brother. He never wanted it to be like this. The anger and sadness blurred together. 

“Sirius. This isn’t your fault. Or his fault. It’s your parent’s fault. They’re worthless human beings and they never had the pleasure to think of what their actions caused for you. And your brother. They mistreated you like…like objects. And you deserved to get away from that brutal house and be in a household where there’s no abuse whatsoever, and love is given to you all the time, no matter what. Because you deserve it.” Remus stated, his worries swirling around his head: Am I saying the right thing? What if he reacts badly? What if I can’t think of  anything else? 

“I just— I want the relationship with my brother back. After three years. Every year that passes, he gets closer to the darkness and The Cause. I need to save him. Before it’s too late. Merlin, even James can save him with whatever he’s got going on with my brother. He’s the one with the saviour complex, after all. I would never be able to persuade him to leave Grimmauld Place.” Sirius let out, speaking into Remus’ chest. 

After a moment, Remus let go of him and looked him in the eyes and Sirius’ heart skipped a beat at all the love behind the stare. “You’ll get him back. You hear me? We’ll work it out somehow and we’ll get your brother back. Okay?” 

“No, because—“

“Ah, ah, ahh,” Remus interrupted, pressing his finger to Sirius’ mouth. Sirius gave it a quick kiss. “No no’s, please. You’ll get him back. I promise you that. I promise you, we will figure it out.” 

Sirius wanted to argue more, the stubbornness shining out, because Remus didn’t see the determined look in Regulus’ eyes and the sheer satisfaction of hurting Sirius’ feelings deeply as he watched Regulus snap at him. He didn’t see the boy Sirius knew growing up and who he protected with all his bravery from their father, but most importantly from their mother. Regulus was looking at him like Sirius meant nothing to him. There was no coming back from it and Sirius knew it. 

They both heard loud footsteps coming up the dorm from outside and they hurriedly pushed away from the embrace they had, settling on sitting opposite each other, like they weren’t doing anything romantically. 

The door opened, revealing the foot-stomper. It was Peter. 

“Hey guys!” He breathlessly said, supposing he had run up the long stairs with all his energy— he was much shorter than Sirius, he had very short legs. He had a tight smile on his face, suspiciously taking glances at both of them. “I just thought I’d like to tell you that James is back. He apparently went off for ‘a walk’ earlier,” he used his fingers to comically pronounce ‘a walk’, “but he’s back now.” 

“Okay, thanks Pete. Did you know where James went?” Remus replied, picking up his book ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ to convince Peter that he and Sirius were doing perfectly…friendly…things. Sirius glanced at Remus and raised a laughable brow at his actions. Apparently, Remus didn’t know the book was upside down.  

“He just said he was walking around Hogwarts.” Peter replied.

“Hm, might be having a sneaky one off with a girl.” Sirius replied, grinning from ear to ear. Remus tutted at his statement and flicked his ear, with a ‘Hey!’ back, and Peter simply just laughed, awkwardly waiting at the door. 

“Right. Me and the girls are playing Exploding Snap, but I’ll be back up soon.” He waved back at his friends, bouncing on the heels of his feet. 

“See ya soon, Wormtail!” Sirius said, rather excitedly, to try and get rid of the sour mood that was feasted upon him moments earlier. Remus gave a small wave back to Peter as he shut the door, hearing the patterned footsteps getting quieter and quieter down the stairs. 

Oh, James. Don’t go being stupid now. Remus shut the book and shoved it back on his endless pile of books on his desk. He laid back down on his bed and rested his hands above his head. 

“I hope you never regret me.” Sirius whispered. Remus almost couldn’t hear it, but he held on to his words. 

“Never.” Remus promises. Sirius crawls into his arms once again. Remus puts an arm around the other boy’s shoulders, like a hug but easier. He doesn’t really like touching people, but he makes an exception for Sirius. Like he always does. Anything for Sirius. 

Sirius rests his head on his head, playing with Remus’ fingers on his right hand. “I miss how he used to be, before they made him so hateful. He was so good y’know? So good, my Reggie. We told each other everything back then. I don’t even know anything about him anymore.” 

Remus frowns and clutches him tighter, Sirius had rarely talked about his family to Remus. He’s being really brave right now. “If anyone is going to change Regulus’ mind and make him good, it’s got to be James. You know it has to be James.” 

“I don’t trust Regulus.” Sirius whispers looking up at Remus, biting his lip with tears glistening in his eyes. 

“It’s okay, Sirius. I understand.” He really does, how hard Sirius tried to convince Regulus about their family. Their countless arguments about the same thing. He’s had a horrible time. Remus wishes he could magically cast it all away.

“Will you sleep here tonight? S’just, I don’t want to be alone.” 

Remus' heart stops for a second, he only ever asks James to stay with him when he’s upset. He feels honoured. 

“Course, anything for my Pads. We’ll just cast a locking charm on the curtains so Prongs or Wormtail can’t see.” 

Sirius smiles the best he can and shuffles so he can pull the duvet over the both of them. Once they get comfy, Sirius stares into his eyes. “Thank you for being there.” 

“I’m always here, you know that.” Remus replies, placing a quick kiss to Sirius’ bare shoulder. They both fall asleep to a calming sleep in an embrace.

“He's gone,” a man whispered, his voice heated with fury and rage. Regulus leaned his ear against the side of the door, desperately trying to hear the conversation. 

He was back in Grimmauld Place, in its numbing and suffocating darkness. He was younger, smaller, and he was more afraid than he’d ever been before. Regulus stood outside of the closed door to his father’s office, listening attentively to the hushed conversation between their parents; he could hear his own heart beat racking his ears with trembling hands from fear, but he found himself unable to move away from curiosity getting the better of him. 

“Have all of his accounts frozen immediately and transfer EVERYTHING to us. You will burn his wretched face from the family tapestry tonight and any other things he has in that state of a room. I shall add new wards to his bedroom and the house, ensuring he will never step another foot inside this house. How did we end up with such a disgraceful excuse for a son?” Walburga spat out to her husband– he was silently nodding to her statements, nothing to add on. Regulus could hear her expensive high heels stomping along the floor and knew she was pacing, as she often did when she was angered by her sons. 

“He was always weak. I knew it from the moment he was sorted into that shameful House of Hogwarts. Bellatrix had the pleasure of explaining how he was cavorting around with filthy blood traitors and mudbloods.” She paused, as though the thought of her disowned son was too disgusting to carry on. “He is a disgraceful humiliation and always has been.” Regulus could feel the tears freely leaking down his face as he took in his mother’s words about his brother. He had never been as distraught as he was now, and when Sirius abandoned him– was his mother correct? No, of course not. Sirius had never been a disgrace. 

Regulus hadn’t had a happy childhood, but his brother made it bearable. Memories of him and Sirius flew through his head like flashes; they’d once got tipsy together for the first time when Sirius sneaked a bottle of wine from the cellar, Regulus listened to his first muggle band which was apparently called ‘The Cure’ on the record player that Sirius had shown him, they creeped into a muggle cafe and Sirius ordered a whole plate of marshmallows to bet who could fit the most in their mouth which ended up in giggles and laughter, they had a water fight in a nearby lake when they were sure that Mother and Father had gone out for the weekend. 

Regulus had always been so fiercely connected to his brother, his only source of happiness and love, and his Mother’s harsh words dug into his chest like daggers. 

“Regulus is the heir now.” His father stated. “He must be the perfect inheritor to pass on down to the family line. He never agreed to his brother’s faults; I will not let this happen again.” Regulus’ intestines twisted at the mention of his name and he slowly took a step away from the door. As he carefully placed his foot down, the floorboard gave a loud creak, giving away his presence. 

Regulus froze. 

Before he could process his escape plan, the door before him crashed open. Before he knew it, a firm hand was tightly wrapped around the collar of his white shirt, pushing him into his father’s study. Once he was inside, his father threw him across the floor, causing him to crash into the wall, hard, with a loud slam. Regulus laid on the floor, winded and clutching his throat from the sharp fingers of his father beforehand, shaking with fear and crying uncontrollably. 

“This is exactly what I’m talking about!” His father exclaimed, giving him a sickening look. 

“Insolent feeble little boy!” His mother screamed the words at him, producing a sharp flinch from Regulus. She seized him by the wrist firmly, digging her sharp claws into his flesh. Regulus cried out in pain as he glanced at the blood oozing out of the cut’s, he looked to his father for desperate help. Orion turned his nose at him, refusing to acknowledge the scene playing out in front of him, and walked out the room. 

Regulus whipped his head back to his mother, sensing another punishment coming his way. She slapped him cruely with all her might, leaving a harsh red mark which would later on form into a sore bruise. His body was on fire from the extreme agony. “Do not ever let me catch you listening in my private conversations again, or crying like a child. You will grow up to act like the Black that you are. You will not be a disappointment your foolish brother was.” She hissed like the horrid witch she was. Walburga dragged him out by his clothes and harshly dragged and pushed him away from the study room, careless of her own actions, and retreated back to Orion’s study. Regulus stumbled slowly up to his bedroom, feeling the excruciating pain meander under his skin with every movement he made, and he silently got out his Healing Potion from under his mattress that he sneakily stole from Hogwarts for emergencies like this. Regulus started applying the potion delicately, careful not to rub too much into his wounds to risk an infection from overuse. 

4:39am

Regulus’ eyes snapped open, feeling the fear resonate from head to toe. His heart was pounding against his chest, trying to claw its way out from the cages of his prison. He darted his eyes around the room to confirm to his paranoia that his nightmares hadn’t chased him back to his safe place; all he saw in the looming darkness were Barty and Evan peacefully sleeping. Merlin, how he wished that he wasn’t tormented with night terrors. Regulus rarely gained the minimum amount of sleep required for teenagers his age– he’d have to ask Pandora for some more stronger Dreamless Potions as the memories of the past still had a way to put Regulus in his misery. 

He pushed his sweat-covered duvet over his body and stumbled as quietly as he could in the bathroom, trying to rub the tiredness from his eyes. Even though Regulus must’ve been heated in his sleep from the constant distress in his unconscious mind, his skin was prickling from the cold air in the Slytherin dorm rooms. 

Regulus cautiously looked in the mirror, uncertain if he would like what he saw in the reflection. Of course not. Dark, swollen circles of sleep deprivation were starting to form under his puffy eyes and he looked terribly pale with colour draining from his face. Regulus sighed under his breath, he desperately craved for a long-lasting sleep with no interruptions, no constant worrying of the future, of being the heir to his parents, of pretending to be a cold, bad pureblood Slytherin to make his parents proud. He wished he was more like Sirius.

 His brother had a knack for purposely getting in trouble to piss Walburga off, making her more and more angered which definitely was not a good sign. But Sirius also had an infinite amount of unconditional love in his heart for his loved ones; before he had left Grimmauld Place, he and Regulus were inseparable and they would tell each other everything that crossed their minds. The brothers had an exceptionally powerful bond, where Sirius would be the protector of the two (Gryffindor bravery)-- each and every time Regulus had unintentionally misbehaved, such as breaking a vase or spilling food on his clothes or mispronouncing a word in French or forgetting a key whilst in his piano lessons, Sirius would always do something much worse so he would get the discipline instead of Regulus. Sirius would go to great lengths to make sure Regulus wouldn’t be hurt, and instead, he’d be the one to be damaged instead with the latest scars strewed over his body. 

Regulus looked at the time on his watch, it would be hours until breakfast would be served and students would be walking around Hogwarts for their lessons. Deciding there would be no point attempting to fall back to sleep, Regulus tiptoed around the dorm room and he swapped his night clothes for a grey velvet sweater and dark green tracksuit bottoms. He slid his artbook in his satchel and put it around his shoulders, making sure to not make a noise– even though his roommates were very deep sleepers. Regulus was certainly sure that even if someone casted a Reducto into their dorm room, Barty and Evan would still be snoring their heads off. 

After Regulus managed to slip out of the Hogwarts castle effortlessly,– Filch would’ve been lurking around the Gryffindor Tower to try and catch the Marauders in the act, he would very much enjoy sending the jokesters to detention– he just started walking aimlessly without a location in mind. The Slytherin was still dazed from his alarming nightmare. Anything that tried to enter his mind was overpowered by the dreadful memories of the past that had been tearing its way into Regulus’ mind. He wasn’t focusing on where he was walking, he was overwhelmed with emotions–he didn’t even know what he was feeling. Guilt for staying in Grimmauld Place when Sirius pleaded him to go to the Potters’ with him? Or was it fear– terrified out of his mind to go back to his parents in the Christmas holidays to await more suffering? Maybe it was jealousy, Sirius managed to get out of that miserable house because he was immensely brave, Regulus had to stay because he was cowardly. Perhaps it was sadness and loneliness– he missed his brother dearly. Everytime he thought of Sirius, there was a faint stabbing ache in his padlocked heart when Sirius had the key.

Regulus had never known what real pain felt like until he walked in on Sirius packing his bags with James Potter at his side three years ago. When he made it to his bedroom after answering his mother’s never-ending questions to the best of his abilities, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. He vaulted onto his bed, the pillow hugging his face accepting his torment. Once the first tear got away, the rest followed in an unbroken stream, creating a huge pool on his pillow. His lungs rummaged for oxygen, and his inaudible sobbing had the same force of someone drowning. The flesh under his ribcage throbbed, his cheeks burned, and his mind created memories and scenarios that kept the tears leaking. The pain was indescribable– like his heart had been ripped out with bare hands but he was still regrettably alive. He just wanted the suffering to stop. 

That was the last time he had broken down like his whole world collapsed in three years. He rarely cried anymore, only letting singular tears come down, hastily wiping it away before anyone notices. His mother’s voice rattled in his ears. “Do not ever show emotion, Regulus. Emotions are weak. Blacks are not weak! Emotions are pointless pursuits,” she spat at him, “They serve to only sabotage one’s strength. To distract you from what’s important. You are now the heir to the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, the purest Wizarding family in existence. You will do what is expected of you.” Her bloodcurdling words pounded into his innocent eyes, hurtling piercing quivers down his spine. 

That night was when Grimmauld Place had progressively worsened for the young Black. Each time he misbehaved in his mother’s eyes, (flinching if she went too close to him, informal language, unable to speak harsh words about his disowned brother, and so on) the punishments grew more and more painful. Just thinking about the memory shoved Regulus into a dejected mood which is why he loved reading books, playing the piano, drawing random things— all of his hobbies helped to drain the dreadful feeling from his chest, like an anchor of some sort. 

4:53am

Apparently, he was trudging through the Forbidden Forest as he could overhear the undetected creatures roam the dark woods from a distance whilst branches snapped under his shoes with the brisk wind rustling trees together. 

“Lumos.” Regulus whispered in the tranquillity. Even though it was near the early morning, the sun was yet to rise. Above him, the crescent shone rays of twilight in the direction of the younger Black brother, illuminating his facial features. It wasn’t a full moon because when it is a full moon, its sunlit side is entirely visible from Earth; the moon appears full to the human eye for approximately two to three days. Regulus remembered in his astronomy lesson, astronomers only regard the moon as entirely full at a precisely defined instant, when the moon is exactly 180 degrees opposite from the sun in ecliptic longitude. 

Regulus pointed his flared wand in front of him cautiously, in preparation for anything that comes at him. The trees in the forest were malady-brown; grains of poison begrimed the bark and gleamed like witch dust. Magical creatures haunted in the darkest of corners in the woods, salivating over their prey and smearing the blood on their heavy faces. The decaying scent and the stifling atmosphere in the dusk provided the perfect abode for those who worshipped the darkness rather than the lightness. 

He carried on trudging through the mess of amber leaves and he came across a lineament of centuries-old trees facing each other with sprawling limbs arching over Regulus, shielding him from viewing the celestial night. It was beautifully positioned like a tunnel, awaiting the use of an escapade from the troubled people that stumbled along this path. Before the Slytherin had discovered the majestically arched trees, Regulus had entered the Forbidden Forest, where life threatening beasts lay, their scent wafting through the atmosphere where no flowers were in sight for their lovely fragrance. In the dim light, Regulus swore to Merlin he could’ve seen a shadow flash in the corner of his eye- his skin was tense and stiff, fear enlightening his every thought, but he still carried on through the edgy forest.

But now at this moment in time, every straggling tree he passed under reminded him of a watchful guardian, a silent sentinel of the groves. Regulus decided rather quickly to himself to venture more deeply into the tangled arched-trees of this primaeval forest. After he had got to a certain distance in the arch of trees, he could see the stop of trees where it came to a clearing which brung out–Wait, is that water?! Thoughtless, Regulus started running, no matter how much his legs were throbbing, aching, begging for a break; he wanted to confirm urgently that what he thought he saw was true. He finally reached the end of the tunnelled trees. 

Regulus slowly stepped into the clearing, taking in everything that he could see. His heart stopped for a faint second. He couldn’t believe the view in front of him. It was all so, very, beautiful. 

“Nox.” He said ever so quietly, pinching himself to make sure this was reality, not another one of his dreams. He hissed at the pain. This was real. Unbelievably real. 

There was a lovely, enchanting lake in the middle of the clearing, and as the sun was coming up, the rays of the sunshine soared onto the dew-pond round water in the– Regulus laughed internally –most magical way. He was treading closer and closer to the graceful scenery in front of him. The beauty and witchcraft of the lake immediately gave Regulus a sense of deja-vu. The lake was as silver as diamond flame and the atmosphere was convent quiet, Regulus felt as if he could stay here forever and ever, showing nobody to ruin his peace. This place ultimately gave him the tranquillity that nobody else could ever give him. 

Along the side of the moonshine water was a towering willow tree that was so beautiful that it blew Regulus’ mind out of proportion. The tree had long, elegant branches that ‘weep’ into an arch, creating a round canopy that grazes the ground gently with narrow leaves that are usually light green on top, but as it’s autumn, they have a red-brown-yellow mixture to their colours. The trunk of the tree is very thick and the bark is rough, grey, and ridged. The sky’s image seemed to be embedded onto the beautiful landscape. Along the edges of the clearing had a row of trees barring the clearance from anyone else, not letting another life-form discover this beautiful and magnificent part of the forest. It was quite utterly stupid, but Regulus thought that the universe had created this phenomenal setting just for him, and nobody else. 

The lengthy, itching grass snapped Regulus out of it, out of the magical cast this place had on him. He casted a silent ‘Tempus’ and saw it was nearly time for students to be awoken. Regulus etched this place into his mind, not wanting to forget this at all. He regrettably made his way back into the gloomy forest, and trudged into Hogwarts, knowing to avoid the little padding of Mrs Norris’ claws on the silvery ground and the loud, forceful footsteps of Filch. 

9:34am

Regulus soothed down the blanket he bought whilst waiting for Pandora, energy bursting into him from the two-and-a-half coffee’s he had this morning for breakfast. He was fidgeting non-stop, still in awe of what he witnessed earlier in the dawn. Regulus had a finished book open in his lap, ‘Pride and Prejudice’. He and Pandora had a routine where she gives him an amount of three to five books to read and he gives them back, then they have a meeting where they just talk and explain the plot holes and the themes of the book they’ve both read. However, the lack of sleep added onto the number of coffees he had consumed made him into a little jittery four year old, unable to concentrate on anything or stay still for more than five seconds. If Mother would’ve seen his state, she would’ve sent him straight off to Bellatrix’s house to set him straight like she did numerous times when he was a restless toddler. 

“Hello, darling! Did you enjoy the new book?” Pandora’s voice popped up, her long blonde hair in well kept french plaits on either side of her head. Regulus had jumped a little, not even noticing her presence. 

“Morning, Pan. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever read before but I do like it. It depicts a society in which a woman’s reputation is the most important, and stepping outside the social normal makes Elizabeth vulnerable to ostracism.” He explained, moving across the tight little space to let Pandora have enough room. 

“I agree with what you’re saying. Have you read the part where Mr Darcy pays for Lydia’s marriage with Wickham?” Regulus nodded. “Well, do you think if Darcy’s money had failed to convince Wickham to marry Lydia, would Darcy still have married Elizabeth?” Pandora asked her head tilting in thought. 

“I promise I will explain in deep depth when I have the stable amount of sleep anyone is supposed to have, also without the amount of caffeine I’ve drunk.” Regulus massaged his temple, a yawn catching up with him out of nowhere. 

“Bad nightmare?” He nodded. 

“I assumed so, I had flashes of some parts in it but I didn’t want to pry so I left it.” Pandora said dreamily with her wide eyes, like she always does, glancing down at the students filling the halls. 

“Wait, you can do that?” Regulus didn’t like the fact that she saw the most vulnerable parts of himself, but his best friend is a seer, so she couldn’t really help it, and there’s no way in a billion years that he could ever be angry at her. No way. Sometimes, Regulus thinks Pandora was meant to be in his life, to overgrow his darkness with all of her light to consume him in it, like one big hug. Her soul is too precious for this world. He doesn’t understand how she can always be so kind, joyful, and positive all of the time. But he guesses that’s just her. Pandora doesn’t have a bad bone in her whole body. He doesn’t understand, he can’t comprehend how she can be friends with him, somebody who is cruel and cold and spiteful and everything else that the Black name has been absorbed into him. Even if she explains it to him one day, his mind would still be too discomfited to understand. 

”The whole seer thing kind of confused me at the beginning, but now it’s like a second nature. Kind of like a reflex? I found out the flashes I see, if I feel they’re really weak, then I can easily free myself from it. But when they’re captivating all my senses, I just have to go through with it and see what happens.” She explains, taking out another book to lend to Regulus. 

“Now what book is this? Another romance? Enemies to lovers?” 

“Don’t worry darling, I won’t tell anyone your guilty pleasures are romances.” She winks at him jokingly, passing the newly fresh book to Regulus. 

“Tell anyone, and sooner or later, you will see what happens.” He warned her, turning his face into a scowl, but Pandora knows that empty threats is his way of humour. 

“To the Lighthouse,” he reads the title of the book out, reading the blurb. “Care to give me an idea of this one then?” 

Pandora’s face lights up, she absolutely adores ranting about books for hours, and so does Regulus– their friendship basically started off with books and conversations about the said book, which is a big factor in their bond. 

“The novel explores the themes of marriage, perception, memory and the passing of time; it also recalls childhood emotions and highlights adult relationships. Virginia Woolf teaches the readers that the time in our lives is ephemeral and we should make the most of every beautiful moment as it dissolves. Nothing holds us truer than our lives at the moment: filled with the uncertainty of not knowing what is going to happen next, yet failing to enjoy all of the time that we have at our disposal. Also– I should stop talking before I accidentally ruin it for you.” She cut herself off with her hand on her mouth to prevent her from unintentionally rambling more and more. 

“Hm, your analysis about this book sounds interesting enough.” Regulus declares, curiously looking through the pages. 

“So does that mean you’ll probably be finished with it at the end of the week?”

“You know me too well.” He says, making a ‘tsk, tsk’ sound whilst putting his new book in his bag next to his notebook. They slip into comfortable silence now and then, making observations of where the students below them are walking off to, which is a game they made up when they first discovered this little space. 

Regulus pointed to a Hufflepuff third year, sprinting down the corridor with lots of Potions books stacked up as high as her face, looking like they’ll cascade at any given moment. “She’s working her hardest to get into Slughorn’s ranks because she wants a spot in the Slug club. Merlin knows why. That place makes me want to jump off the Astronomy tower.”

“Reg!” Pandora scolds, but a tiny sliver of giggles come through and she fails to cover her guilty grin. 

“But you’re there with me, so that makes it much more bearable.” He revealed, seeing the Hufflepuff’s books go flying, like he expected. 

Pandora winced from hearing the clatter echo throughout the eldery walls. “Oh dear, should we go help her?”

“No need, look, her friends are catching up with her,” Regulus points, seeing a Gryffindor and another Hufflepuff come to her rescue.

They both look for their next victim when a sixth year comes shyly swaying along with a deep blush featuring his face. Regulus nudges Pandora’s shoulder, “What about this one?” 

“Oh, he’s definitely just walked away from declaring his love for a secret someone. Or he has a crush on a new friend he’s made.” She proclaims, fiddling with her flower chained necklace. Regulus instantly felt a familiarity with him and the sixth year with Pandora’s last observation. He slowly turned his body to face her. 

“Speaking of…”

Pandora’s face immediately contoured into shock and surprise. “You declared your love for James?! Reg, I’m so happy–”

“What? No– nothing like that, don’t be silly.” Regulus briskly replied. Her face promptly turns into slight confusion. “I was just going to say that Potter found me in the Astronomy tower. Again. How does he show up out of nowhere? It’s very creepy. Anyway, we talked for a bit. And at the end he said I could always talk to him. Like, personally…like I would ever do that.” He trailed off, looking back at the heaps of people passing by as a distraction. 

“Do it, Reg.”

He immediately whirled around to face her, his eyes widening. “What?!”

“I mean it. Do what your heart tells you. Not your brain.” Pandora could see he was getting worked up over her words, so she softly put her hand over his and looked him in the eye. “Look, I’m not saying to tell him your deepest darkest secrets that are padlocked in the low caves of your heart. Just, get to know him. Learn about his favourite animals, his favourite shop in Hogsmeade, his favourite Quidditch team. Everything. Maybe something good will come out of it. Okay?” Pandora suggested. Regulus chewed on his bottom lip, his exploding thoughts mashing together. 

“I’ll..think about it.” He finally decided. He could do this, he could be brave and it’s not like they aren’t friends already. Regulus heard Pandora cast a ‘Tempus’ under her breath, he looked her way to see her packing up her things. “I have class soon but– oh! Before I forget,” she was digging down in her bag when she finally grasped onto the unknown object. “Sleeping Draught potions. I added some more strength to the mixture, so hopefully they’ll work better for you next time.”

Regulus automatically beamed at her, thanking her over and over again internally. “You’re amazing. I think I would drop dead without you.” He gave her an enthusiastic kiss on the cheek, hearing her warm-hearting laugh. After saying their goodbyes, they both went off to their scheduled lessons for the day. 

1.25pm

Regulus had placed himself next to Barty and Evan on the Slytherin table for lunch when it was weirdly quiet in the Great Hall– everyone had their eyes on the Marauders in the middle of the Gryffindor table. However this was an occasional occurrence, so the students comically watched the Gryffindors act up their shenanigans. Most of the Slytherins were shooting glares at the jokesters and whispering threats to each other whilst Regulus was narrowing his eyes at the scene. 

James Potter was up on the table, putting on some sort of performance for his friends. Lupin was very clearly trying to urge his friends off the table and away from making a scene. Sirius was howling with laughter, as was Pettigrew. Regulus couldn’t help but follow James’ eyes to where they eventually landed on Lily Evans. 

Potter was making a fool of himself for Evans like he regularly does, trying to gain her attention. Of course, Evans looked as unimpressed as ever, biting down on her lip to hold a stern scowl on her face, when it was so obvious she could’ve easily broken into a smile. Apparently not to James though, as he slithered down onto the bench next to Sirius pouting, only causing his friends' laughter to double. 

Regulus had never understood why Lily gave him such a hard time when he could easily see she was fond of him– romantically, platonically, who knows? Regulus had never liked anyone, apart from Potter. When his brother had first ranted about his new best friend, Regulus had shrunken into a big pit of jealousy and hatred for the so-called new best friend. But when Regulus had laid eyes on James Potter, and saw how he acted, his looks, his god-awful jokes and pranks, all the jealousy and hatred had been overwhelmed by the fondness and warmth that Potter had spread onto him. Now the jealousy he had felt for James had developed towards Lily Evans. Why should she have all of James’ attention, when she doesn’t even want it in the first place? Why can’t James look at Regulus instead of the beautiful red-headed girl that didn’t even want him? It wasn’t fair. Regulus was itching to ask him questions again and again. He wanted to know everything about James Potter. He wanted to tattoo the information on his eyelids, to never forget any word that slipped out of the Gryffindor’s mouth. 

What’s your favourite animal? What’s your favourite spell to cast? Can you cast the Patronus charm? If you can, would you teach me? If you can, what’s your guardian animal? Do you like reading? If you do, what’s your favourite book? If you do, can I give you suggestions? Can I bring you to this majestic place in the forest which I discovered earlier? It’s so beautiful, but not as beautiful as you. Can I draw you? What’s your favourite shop in Hogsmeade? What Quidditch team is your favourite? 

Regulus would’ve thought most normal people would give up after four and a half years of trying. Luckily for Evans, James was far from normal. Luckily for James, Regulus was never normal to begin with. However, James didn’t need to know about Regulus’ feelings towards him. 

James suddenly glanced up towards the Slytherin table and Regulus’ cheeks flushed, because yes, he had been staring and thoroughly thinking about him, but only to observe the scene which was placed in front of him. He was sure most of the Great Hall had been staring at Potter making an embarrassing fool out of himself, not just him. James briefly glanced at his mates, who seemed to be talking about their next prank, not quiet at all. Honestly, if they’re the supposedly pranksters at Hogwarts, they do need to learn to not shout their words to one another. Regulus almost looked away, embarrassed that he had been caught staring at James, even if he hadn’t really been staring at James. Then, James looked back to Regulus and smiled. Not one of his big toothy grins he shows to everyone, because that would be too obvious. His lips curled slightly, and his teeth bared just enough for Regulus to see he was actually smiling, and it was meant for him, and nobody else. Just for him. James turned his head back down towards his friends so quickly that Regulus couldn’t rule out that he had just imagined the whole bizarre thing entirely. 

Regulus blushed to himself, pleading to Merlin nobody had seen that exchange, and turned his face down towards his plate that contained strawberries, a ham and cheese sandwich, and once again another cup of coffee. He wasn’t very fond of eating in public, never wanting anyone to look at him whilst eating. It was sickly, all eyes on him. He hated it. His stomach twisted tightly at the thought of it. He would much rather be in the Kitchen with all the house-elves. They let him stay in there for mealtimes, knowing how he felt, and gave him whatever food or drink that he desired. 

Regulus silently pushed away his plate, and started to get up from the bench when Barty flashed a confused look at Regulus, “Where are you going?”

“Going to study,” he replied. 

Barty glanced at Regulus’ leftovers, “...but you’ve barely touched your food.” He pointed at his plate. 

“Not hungry.” Regulus shrugged, and walked off for Barty to fend for himself. 

Regulus was walking along the aisle of the Slytherin table heading towards the Great Hall doors when his eyes darted to Potter’s. He was already looking. Again. He looked away immediately feeling the warmth spread to his cheeks, but he remembered James’ facial expression. It was filled with curiosity, and worry for wherever Regulus was marching off to. 

Does he want to come with me?

Will he want to know more about my weird habits? 

Does he want to know more about me, like I do him?

Does he actually see me as a friend, and not just pitying me because I’m his best friend’s brother, the one who got left behind?

Regulus shook his head, it meant nothing, and reached for the doors to escape the clumber of students and took off in the direction of the kitchens. Hopefully, the Gryffindor wouldn’t follow where Regulus is, like he always does, and let him have his own peace for a while. He has to find out how Potter always pops out of nowhere, scaring the living daylights out of him. 

“What will Mr Black be wanting for lunch today?” One of the house-elves asked with her big eyes staring innocently back at Regulus. He heard a mumble of the house-elves greet him as they waddled past him. 

“Hello, Tilly. If it doesn’t take up much of your time, would I be able to have some strawberries and a croissant with a black coffee as well please?” Regulus asked, smiling sweetly at her. Tilly was one of his favourites, she was the first house-elf to greet him and talk to him when he first wandered in the kitchens when he was in his third year. Tilly had given him anything he wanted, and she had always started conversations with him, and he didn’t feel so lonely after his brother had left. Even if they were house-elves, they were a greater comfort to him than anyone else could’ve been after he had been left brother-less, with his disowned brother acting like Regulus wasn’t even existing. 

“Of course, Mister Black! Will Mister Black be reading with his food as well?” Tilly questioned, using her magic to levitate Regulus’ food and his coffee over to a wooden table. 

“Yes, I have a new book to read, so I may be here a long time. Is that okay with you?” Regulus said as he sat down on the chair he had been accustomed to in the many times he had come here. 

“It iz very okay for Mister Black to stay here. He can stay as long as he can! What new book has Mister Black have today?” 

“Thank you, Tilly. My dear friend gave me this book, it’s called ‘To the Lighthouse’ by Virginia Woolf.” Regulus started to nibble on his croissant, opening the first page of the book. 

“Enjoy the book, Mister Black! I shall be going now.” Tilly waddled off with all the other house-elves. Regulus read the first page: “‘Yes, of course, if it’s fine to-morrow,’ said Mrs Ramsey. ‘But you’ll have to be up with the lark,’ she added….”

4:30pm

Regulus was patiently waiting for James to show up to their tutor session, strumming his fingers against the desk to the beat of the muggle song that was stuck in his head, a constant tune banging against the walls of his brain; 

If you say run

I’ll run with you

And if you hide

We’ll hide

Because my love for you would break my heart in two

If you should fall into my arms

And tremble like a flower. 

This particular song struck a core memory through Regulus. He recalled a certain day in the Grimmauld Place household when it was the Christmas holidays for both Regulus and Sirius; the younger brother had just started Hogwarts in his first year, whereas the older was in the year above. When they were definite that Walburga and Orion weren’t coming back to the house for hours, the brothers crept up to the spider-webbed attic and Sirius showed Regulus his new record player that his new best friend gifted him for his birthday with two vinyl records to go with it.  

After setting up the music player with one of the records delicately placed in, Sirius had told Regulus that the band which were playing were called Queen and the other vinyl records were of David Bowie. For hours and hours, all the brothers did was dance and dance with big splitting grins that ached from smiling too much. They both knew Mother would find out, but it was all worth it. Every single ounce of that day was worth it. No matter what. 

He zoned back into reality, smiling fondly at the memory. He heard the door opening and glanced over to where James was stomping over to the desk, breathing heavily with multiple books piling in his arms. He looks like he ran all the way to the Potions classroom– Merlin knows why. 

“Oh, my apologies,” Regulus was an entirely different person when he smiled, “You look out of breath.” His eyebrows shot up with a small smile, looking at James thoroughly. 

James dropped all of the books with a loud clatter, taking his robes off. “Yeah, just ran from the Quidditch pitch–” He took a deep breath, swallowing some cold water, “--You’re in a good mood. Less surely than usual.”

Regulus thought about the answer to James’ statement, shutting his book from Pandora and put it back in his bag. “I like talking to someone who doesn’t know me– well, not really.” A crease had appeared between his eyebrows, as if he’s already said too much. He remembers Pandora’s words: ‘Do what your heart tells you. Not your brain.’ “I hate admitting this, but you were– you were probably right. I do need someone to talk to.”

James blinked. 

“Actually, I lied. I didn’t hate admitting that. It actually gave me point-blank torture to admit that.” Regulus added. 

James huffed out a laugh, and gave the other boy a side glance. “Okay. If you’re sure. Talk away.” 

Regulus winced, pointing out a finger, “Wait, you, erm– can you just, erm, talk about yourself first?” Regulus cringed at his words, hating feeling vulnerable. 

“That’s fine! So- How about you ask me questions about anything, and I’ll answer them, and then you ask me and I answer?” James suggested.

“Okay. Erm, what’s your favourite book? Wait, stupid question– of course, you’ve never touched a book in your life.” 

James felt insulted by that, his hand touching his chest with a hurt-expression on his face. “I’ll let you know I actually read books–”

“--Oh yeah, like what?”

“I–Well, like–” James struggled to answer, unknowing of any book titles at the top of his head. 

“You’ve only read Quidditch magazines, haven’t you?” Regulus bluntly put.

“Fine. You caught me.” James lifted his hands in a surrender gesture. Regulus shook his head with short huffs of laughter flowing out. 

“What’s your favourite spell to cast?” James asked. 

“Aparecium. It reveals secret written messages, I’ve lost count on how many times me and Sirius used to hide messages from Mother.” He retreats back into himself, as though the mention of Sirius and his mother made him experience pain. He silently swore to Salazar that James hadn’t seen him wincing from the memory of it. “You?”

“Tarantallegra for sure. It’s one of my favourites to use on Snivellous. I bet he's so much more of a moody git in the Slytherin common rooms.” James snorted, a lopsided grin taking over his features. 

As the time slowly slipped away, the two boys managed to learn a significant amount of each other in the space of a few hours; to James’ surprise, Regulus talked more than he thought he would. He talked about his favourite classes, which were Potions, Astronomy, and he had a fond spot for Care of Magical Creatures. Regulus thought he’d been frightened at the creatures that had been brought out in his lessons, but he had been fascinated by them with an urge to learn more and more of what they can do. Regulus spoke about the issue with his friends; Pandora, especially. She had been highlighted as his best friend, and there were no ‘issues’ for her. He lacked to tell James about Pandora being a Seer, uncertain if she’d want him blabbing about her specialties to someone she didn’t really know, even if James was as kind and trustworthy as Regulus saw him to be. He told James about his friendship, if there even was one, with Barty Crouch and how he found it to be difficult maintaining a simple conversation with the other boy. Regulus spoke about Evan Rosier, and how they’d never really spoken to each other. If they did, it would be to exchange manageable pleasantries such as to wish a ‘good morning’ or a ‘good luck’ in Quidditch Matches, and other phrases like that. 

To Regulus’ surprise, James (for once in his life) propped up a hand on his chin and listened to anything Regulus would say. To James’ surprise, Regulus was a very animated talker. This surprised James to the core because he had never really seen Regulus engage in a proper conversation like he was having with James, and this made him more fond of the Slytherin than he had before. 

Regulus used his hands greatly to explain in depth about the topic of hand, and he would keep leaning forward onto the desk to really sell the story he was telling. So, obviously, James nearly inhaled the water he was taking a sip of in a plastic cup when Regulus did an absolute spot on impression of Snape stressing about homework in the Slytherin common room. 

And then Regulus laughed, and Merlin, James’ breath caught in his throat, ending up in a breathless coughing fit with the Slytherin patting his back, still laughing off his head from James’ incident with the water. It was entirely different and unfamiliar. The afternoon light lit Regulus’ hair like an angelic halo around his head, and the uncharacteristically open expression– one James would have vehemently denied possible on Black’s face– made Regulus look terrifyingly beautiful in the rays of the sun shining down on him. 

And Merlin and Godric, James knew what a catch in his breath meant. It meant that he– that James was– but it couldn’t? Could it? It had been only a few weeks back at school. James wouldn’t believe it. He knew– despite the concealed fingers raking through his head uncontrollably– this could be part of his…condition. Had he been taking his pills correctly? Even though he despised the feeling of the pills changing his thought of mind, he desperately wanted this– whatever he was…feeling for the younger Black brother, he clawed deeply into his bones for the feeling to be his true self, not the infuriating pills changing his sense of self every single day.

James forcefully looked away from Regulus, no matter how stunning he looked. He couldn’t even think about it, only feel it, know it, and dread it.

 It’s fine, James. Just ignore it, like you always do. Like you’ve always done. Regulus is a secret friend. Your best friend’s brother, no less. Your crush will go away, like all the others did. You felt that for the summer fling, Felix, who nobody still doesn’t know to this day, and that went away easily. You felt it for Lily, and that sink sailed before the year even started. You had just been keeping up with the act for the benefit of your friends. It will go away. It will. 

This new ‘crush’ was just a mere product of being around Regulus more frequently. The rush of making a new friend. That’s all, he told himself. 

Regulus seemed to like being able to talk to someone uninhibited by the social cues his family had urged on him, so by the time they had finished talking about endless subjects, it was already halfway through dinner when James had stretched and sighed, looking out the window of the classroom they had cloistered themselves in– it was supposed to be in use for his tutor sessions, but apparently that had slipped Regulus’ mind. 

“So,” Regulus clambered to his feet, looking much less graceful than usual, his bones aching from the time spent in the numbing chairs, “We should plan out these sessions of ours that we seem to be having, Potter.”

James looked at him, surprise showing through his widened eyes. Regulus appeared to read the expression on his face, and rolled his eyes, evidently frustrated that James was so slow on the takeup. 

“We can’t just keep using these tutor sessions, or you seemingly following me wherever I go for our little chitchats now, can we?” He explained. “Any ideas?”

James thought for a long moment, staring around the room, hoping the inspiration would somehow strike him at any given minute. He looked down at the little scraps of parchment on the desk that he had torn off to give his hands something to play with whilst listening to Regulus talk. “Thank my clever brains for this, Reggie.” he said. 

“I told you not to call me that,” Regulus scowled. 

“Starboy, then.” James teased, a grin taking over. 

“Potter, I will not wait another moment to bash this very big, and heavy textbook over your idiotic head, and hope something useful will come out of it.” Regulus warned, proving his point by grabbing the book in a threatening gesture. 

“--Before you attempt to murder me,” James continued to surrender, his quill in one hand and his other hand in a please-don’t-hit-me gesture, “can I just kindly let you know that, you,” In one swift move, James tore the textbook out of Regulus’ hands, using his height to his advantage, “are very, very much lacking in height. Whereas me,--” Regulus cut him off,

“Yes, yes, Potter, you are as tall as a fucking tree.” He spat out, rolling his eyes and crossing his arms together. 

James laughed at that, “You should see Remus if you think I’m, as you like to put it, as tall as a fucking tree.” James continued to carry on with the idea he had before Regulus threatened him. 

He tore off a segment of the parchment, and scratched out four words, and gave it to Regulus. 

Astronomy Tower      9pm       Wednesday

“Is that okay with you?” James asked, shoving his bag over his shoulder and propping his hands into his pockets. 

Regulus inspected the piece of paper, shoved it in his trouser pocket, and nodded his head, “Sounds good.”

They were now both awkwardly standing opposite of each other, apparently having no idea how to say bye. Regulus was standing stone still, almost like a statue but the occasional blinking gave it away, whereas James was swinging his arms round and round, his eyes latching onto anywhere else than Regulus–which was so not like him. 

However, Regulus had enough of it, and bluntly said, “Bye,” with a casual wave and marched out of the classroom. James gave out a laugh, humour getting the best of him with Regulus’ straightforward leaving.