It was over. Everything was over. Regulus knew this the moment the horrible green light shot from his wand. The moment he heard the relieved sigh escape his mother’s tense figure behind him. The moment he knew he would get the mark.
Mama, just killed a man
The feeling of dread and the knowledge of permanence crept up on him like a parasite, consuming any bit of happiness that he ever had. The little voice begged in the back of his head that this was just a nightmare. That he would wake up and everything would be ok.
Put a gun against his head
Pulled my trigger, now he’s dead
He knew he should be mourning the innocent muggle lying on the floor in front of him. But he couldn’t process that. He didn’t think his brain would ever let him. Instead the only thing he could think of was James.
He loved James, more than James would ever love him back- he knew that- but James only saw in black and white. As much as he tried he would never be able to understand. He would never realize that, by getting Sirius, he had sacrificed Regulus. Ever since Sirius got sorted into Gryffindor, Regulus was no longer the backup plan. He was the heir, in everything but title, and his parents weren’t going to lose another. Now he had the title, which meant he needed the mark.
As much as Regulus’ mind told him to blame James, told him that he should want the boy to suffer- for taking away his brother, for taking away his chance- Regulus’ heart would never allow it. Instead it rejoiced in knowing that James wouldn’t ever realize. That James wouldn’t have to blame himself. That James would never have to feel that pain.
So now he had to stand, center of attention, blood on his hand. He looked up at the ornate ceilings. He had finally started to let himself feel. Let himself enjoy things, let himself smile and love. Finally let himself live. For so many years he had shut himself off, and now that he had let just a sliver of himself out, he had to shove it all back in. He had already lost his brother, and now he was going to lose his only love.
Mama, Life had just begun
He held out his left forearm, still looking at the ceiling. He felt the cold grip of the Dark Lord.
But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away.
He imagined James finding out. The horrified betrayal that would be apparent on his beautiful, innocent face. The anger that would break both of their hearts.
Didn’t mean to make you cry.
The way that Regulus will go stone face and how he would have to lie to the boy he would love. The longer James and Regulus were together while Regulus had the mark, the more likely James would be in danger. So Regulus would have to lie, or at least omit the truth. He would have to make it so James could never love him. So Regulus could leave and James would let him.
If I’m not back again this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters
He wished he could live purely in the moments before, when they were happy and could pretend that life wasn’t a shit show. When the only thing that mattered was the two of them. But that wasn’t ever going to last, both of them knew that.
Too late, my time has come
Even as he felt the Dark Lord’s wand press harshly onto his skin, the longing for the comfort he felt when he was with James was much more painful.
Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time
He imagined telling Pandora and seeing her poorly hidden fear as she tells him that they will figure it out. How, inevitably, other Slytherins would find out and how they would start praising him, as if joining a hate cult was the best achievement a person could ever receive. He didn’t want to deal with the reactions. He didn’t want to deal with anyone.
Goodbye, everybody, I’ve got to go
He wondered how many missions he would be forced into. How many people he would be forced to kill, how many families he would be forced to ruin.
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Immense pain shot through his arm. It was nothing close to the curses his mother had used to ‘persuade’ him to take the mark, but it didn’t mean it wasn’t painful. It was like someone had torn all the skin off of his forearm. He bit down on his lip to stop himself from voicing the pain. He could taste his metallic blood.
I don’t want to die
For the first time since he cast the killing curse, he looked down. The jet black skull and snake mark was etched into his skin. Everything was over.
Sometimes wish I’d never been born at all.