Enter One Emotionally Constipated Idiot
Apparently, James hated Sirius. He was sure of it, 100% sure. If James didn’t hate the other boy, then Sirius was considering brain damage. Severe brain damage.
“No.” Sirius stated, crossing his arms and glaring daggers at James.
“It’ll work Pads, I promise,” James sat down beside him, the edge of the bed bending with the added weight. “Even Lily agreed.” There was a dark blush on his face when admitting this. Sirius arched a brow.
Prongs must’ve seen his mistrust, because he rushed to the plan’s (coined ‘James Potter’s plan of getting his two best mates to shag’ (It needed work)) defense.
“It’ll work. And if it doesn’t, if it makes anybody uncomfortable, then we’ll call it off.” James assured, running a hand through his hair, making it stick straight up.
Sirius sighed. He could tell James had made up his mind, curse the stubborn dick head. And he knew James was a good friend and brother. He’d taken in Sirius, without even checking with his parents after Sirius had been disowned. He had accepted the fact that Sirius was gay (“I knew it!” were his exact words and he apparently had a bet going with Wormtail) and he’d helped Sirius through panic attacks and nightmares when Remus couldn’t.
“Fine. I’ll do it,” He muttered, following up with a wicked grin. “Good luck getting Mary on board though.”
James just smirked, “She’s already agreed. Wants you two to stop pining after each other. Said it gets in the way of her romances. Or that it makes her sick. I don’t remember, was quite drunk at the time. The point is, she agreed.”
The plan was as followed:
- Pay Mary to flirt with Sirius.
- Let Mary flirt with Sirius around Remus.
- Lily and James spread rumors that the two are dating.
- Remus hears of said rumors and becomes madenly jealous.
- Remus is so annoyed he confesses his love to Sirius.
- They make out and ride off into the sunset.
Two days later and the plan was in motion. James had rushed into the common room, followed quickly by Remus. They looked like they were arguing, Remus waving his hands at James, a dark scowl on his face.
The look in Remus’s eye would have deterred anyone who had the misfortune of being the recipient. It came from always being on the lookout for any suspicious behavior (enter the furry little problem) and was carefully crafted to make people stop asking questions. But this was James, who had been on the receiving end many times. The signature Moony glare would not stop him.
Sirius sat on the couch (it had been dubbed the Marauder's couch since second year (probably because of the rumored diseases it held)), with Mary next to him. Very close, next to him. She was practically in his lap, twirling her hair with one finger and giving him a sickenly sweet smile.
Sirius shifted uncomfortably. He had been with girls of course, so this wasn’t something new. But it was Mary, one of his closest friends, almost like a sister to him (almost, being the fact that they had once kissed during a game of Truth or Dare).
Her eyes hardened at his discomfort, “I don’t like this anymore than you do Black. Suck it up.” So, Sirius did.
“James, I don’t care if you almost succeeded in asking Lily out.” Remus’ exasperated voice had finally reached Sirius. Prongs and Moony were now merely four feet away, right in sight of the spectacle that was Mary on top of Sirius.
“Well you should,” James pouted at the blond. “I’ve been trying to woo her for ages and it almost worked. Back me up here Padfoot.”
James gestured to Sirius, who in turn felt his mouth dry up. “Ye-yea-yep,” He stuttered. “Should’ve been there Moony.”
James smirked at his discomfort, turning back to Remus with the grin still plastered onto his face like a really ugly sticker. “See, Remus, that’s a real mate.”
Remus, however, had not moved, instead standing frozen, eyes locked onto Mary and Sirius. Mary must’ve realized this, as she leaned over and kissed Sirius on the cheek. Remus’ eye twitched.
With a heavy sigh, Remus started to walk away, “I’m not dealing with this right now. I’m going back to the library. Don’t come looking for me.” And with that, Remus was gone. And Sirius watched him go, a heavy feeling pushing at his ribs and heart. Guilt. For what though?
Mary bounded off Sirius, pushing him hard in the chest, flopping down onto the floor.
With an arm draped over her face, she muttered under her breath, “That was absolute hell (Sirius refused to feel offended by that). And we didn’t even get a reaction.”
James carefully sat down next to the dark haired girl, eyes flickering over to Sirius, then back to Mary.
“How would you even know? You were staring at Sirius the whole time.” He teased, nudging her with a foot.
Sirius felt himself spiraling a bit, as his friends argued. You dumb fuck, you really thought that boy would like you? When you look and act like that, like a disgrace. You are a disgrace to the Noble House of Blac-
“Sirius, how do you think that went?” James was suddenly beside him, effectively silencing his mother’s voice. The brown eyes bore into Sirius’ silver ones, silently asking him if he was alright.
Sirius nodded, signaling that they would talk later, not wanting to open up in front of Mary. James seemed to understand this and did not push any further.
“I think it went well,” Sirius finally answered. “Not the best, he didn’t get mad or anything. But this is Moony we’re talking about. He won’t face his issues till they start hurting someone else.”
James and Mary nodded. They had all faced the brunt of Remus’ self esteem (or lack thereof) and no one had ever managed to call the boy out on it.
“Plus,” Mary added, “I saw his eye twitch, so we got somewhere.”
“HOW?!” James yelled, startling some poor first years who had been listening in on the gossip. “HOW DID YOU SEE THAT WHEN YOU WERE MAKING EYES AT SIRIUS!!??”
There was silence in the crowded common room (honestly, when did it get so crowded, did people not have lives anymore), before a collective groan came from those surrounding the trio. Everyone resumed back to their work, as they were all used to the Marauder’s antics (save for another first year who tried to shush them. Mary flipped the pipsqueak the bird, while simultaneously winking conspicuously at James).
They sat in silence for a moment before Mary suddenly bounded up, making both James and Sirius jump slightly, “Shit,” She cried out. “I have divination homework due.” And with that, James and Sirius were alone.
James nodded in the direction of the norms and the two silently trudged up.
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“What’s up with you?” James did not waste any time on pleasantries, instead jumping straight into the topic as soon as the door was shut and they swept the room for any humans (or rats).
Sirius sat, not on his own bed, but on Moony’s (simply more comfortable, no it’s not cause I fancy him, James you dolt.), twiddling his fingers. Noticing this, James tossed his baseball (courtesy of Peter), and Sirius started playing with it.
“What if he doesn’t like me like that Prongs?” Sirius asked.
James settled on the bed across from Sirius, watching him quizzically. “Why wouldn’t he Pads?”
Sirius opened his arms, pointing at himself, “Because I’m me. Because I mess shit up and hurt people. And because my mother was right, I am a disgrace because who on earth would like me-”
He stopped at the hands grasping his shoulders. James had grabbed onto his brother, knowing that the contact grounded him.
“Sirius, don’t listen to whatever shit Walburga told you. She’s a nutty old bitch, who did nothing but make your life miserable. Everything she said about you was a lie, a tactic to hurt you,” James took a deep breath, “You are Sirius Ignoring the Last Name Part and you’re the best brother I could ask for. You help me when I forget and panic about my homework, you distract Pete when he starts worrying about girls, you help Moony, the stubborn bastard, when he’s in pain. And we love you for it. If Remus doesn’t love you after all that, if he believes that you suck, then I’ll beat his ass.”
Sirius choked back tears, hanging his head, “But, Prongs, I deserve it. After 5th year-”
“No. We’re not going there again. Remus forgave you…”
“He shouldn’t have-” Sirius cut in.
James gave him a look. “No, he shouldn't have. What you did was really bad, but he forgave you. And you worked for that forgiveness. You know Moony doesn’t forgive people easily, which just goes to show how much he needs you. Because, despite what your mother says, you are good Sirius.”
Later that night, after lots of tears, Sirius made James promise that he would never speak of this again (James of course, lied, as years down the line, he mentioned it in his best man speech).
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Over the next three weeks, the plan stayed intact. Mary would flirt with Sirius and Sirius in turn would flirt with Mary. There was never anything more than that (I draw the line at snogging you Black.), but it never seemed to make a dent in the man that was Remus Lupin.
James and Peter (and Lily!!!) had all tried to bring it up, all for it to be shot down.
“Did you hear that Mary and Sirius were going out?” Peter asked one morning, to a very tired looking Remus.
“Really? I never would have guessed, considering they’re always on top of each other.” Moony drawled, sarcastically.
Later that same week, Lily had asked Remus what their ship name should be.
“Vomit, because if they keep making eyes at each other over my breakfast, I’m gonna puke.”
And that was the end of that.
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Three weeks into the whole thing, Mary finally quit.
“Sorry Sirius,” She whispered in the corridor after classes. “But, this cute girl asked me out to Hogsmade and you’re kinda cramping my style.”
Sirius had merely given her a thumbs up and told her to remember a condom.
When Remus had heard the news, he had simply muttered, “Called it.” and left claiming he needed to collect cash for a bet (Sirius did not find that hot, absolutely not).
“Damn it. He’s more emotionally constipated than we thought,” James muttered into Sirius’ ear, while picking up the raven haired boy’s jaw from off the floor. “On to plan two.”
“Why didn’t you name it plan B?” Wormtail piped up, looking up from his essay in progress.
Prongs turned around with a mischievous giggle, “Well my dearest Wormy, (Don’t call me that.), we all know our beloved Moony won’t allow himself happiness due to his dick of a father and his multitude (Wow, a big word Prongs, I’m proud.) of self-loathing cause of his problem, Lily and I knew this would take a while. And since the alphabet only has 26 letters, that means only 26 plans. And that simply won’t do.”