My Jamie

Despite the detour in their day, by five pm James is worried. The boys stay with him, of course. Peter recommends pulling out some old board games. Remus’ face lights up, Sirius declares he’ll finally beat them all at Monopoly. 

James obliges them.

But by six, he can barely pay attention. Even Sirius starts getting distracted, glancing at the clock every few minutes. Jumping at every sound outside.

Around seven, James is pacing in the kitchen under the guise of getting some water.

Something is wrong. Regulus should be back by now. 

Sure, sometimes “by tonight” meant later than this. Sometimes it was James stumbling in at 2am with Regulus hunched over the sink doing dishes, or sitting at the dining room table with a cup of tea. Too often it was Regulus looking up at him, face twisting with equal parts relief and fear at the sight of James, maybe looking a bit broken or battered, but very much there. 

He leans against the kitchen sink, feeling a pit settle in his stomach, a tremor taking shape in his hands.

Something is wrong.

His stomach lurches, he moves to grab onto the counter, and holds it like he’ll die if he lets go. Like something’s waiting to rip him to shreds. He can’t breathe, and the room tilts violently. His elbow must knock something over, because there’s a loud crash and someone comes running. 

“Prongs?” A voice asks urgently. There's a light touch on his shoulder and he flinches away from it, eyes flying open meeting Remus’ dark ones. Regulus’ eyes are silver. They’re one of the first things James sees when he thinks of him. “Fuck, theres so much glass.” The hands come again, and James can’t. He can’t. “Okay, okay I won’t touch you. But you have to breathe, James.” 

He shakes his head, there’s no air here, his brain unhelpfully supplies. He knows it’s illogical to think that. Knows that he’s in his kitchen, with his friends worrying around him. Yet somewhere else, his lungs are filling with water, claws lash at him.

He needs to get to Regulus. If he’s going to die here, he needs to get to Regulus first.  

“It’s going to be okay, James. Just try to breathe, alright?” Remus’ voice soothes. He keeps a fair distance between them, and puts his hands up in a gesture meant to be calming, but also as an offering of help. If he needs it. James shifts his feet towards him, almost stumbling with how badly he’s shaking. Remus grips his arms, pulling him away from the sink. He hears the sound of crunching glass. Confused, he glances down at a pile of broken cups he must have knocked off the counter. One is Regulus’ favourite. A mug with a painting called The Church at Auvers. Remus follows James’ line of sight, and with a quick wave of his wand, it’s whole again. Magic makes so many things easy to fix. But not all things. 

Remus is able to get him to the floor. His back to a wall and away from the glass. He instructs a wide eyed Sirius to get a calming draught from Regulus’ supplies. James catches Sirius’ gaze before Remus is calling his name again, sitting in front of him, urging him to breathe. 

James tries, he really does. But he’d seen something in Sirius’ eyes. He looked scared, he’d looked so scared. 

Nothing scares Sirius Black.

Why does this one feel so different 

“I want Regulus,” he begs breathlessly. His hands, his touch. While the claws wreck him, and water drowns him. “I want Regulus.” 

He feels Remus grab hold of his shoulders, “I know,” he smiles sadly, somehow so collected. “But right now, you need to breathe.” 

“I can’t do this without him, Remus. I can’t,” he sobs, tears flowing freely now. Remus’ brow creases, a flicker of pain breaking through his grounded expression, but before he can say anything Sirius is sitting down cautiously beside him. 

"Me neither," he smiles weakly, and offers James his hand. A life line. One look into his eyes, and James knows he feels it too. Maybe he has all day.“Though,” he smirks, an unconvincing light in his eyes, “it does get me out of going shopping for his birthday.”

Against all odds, James laughs, because it’s Sirius, and because it’s simply what they do for each other.  

With a shaking hand, James tips the calming draught down his throat. He doesn’t even have enough time to grimace at the taste when there’s a knock at the door. Peter, who had taken a minute to collect himself in the living room, answers it. 

-

It’s been years since James killed the habit of biting his nails. Yet, Peter holding his hand while Sirius bargains with the front desk lady at St. Mungos is the only thing that stops him now. James turns his head to look at Remus, who stands at the vending machine at the end of the hall, eyes tired as he picks some snacks for them all.

Moody was on edge when he explained there had been an incident. He’d forgotten to tell them what alias Regulus would be under. Hell, James is pretty sure Moody didn’t even want them here. Quite dangerous of him really. To assume James wouldn’t tear anyone apart just to sit at Regulus’ hospital bed. 

He sits up further, hand tightening in Peters as Sirius trails back over to them. “They put him under the name Richard Wilks,” he tells them. “He’s in some sort of surgery, but that’s all I know,” he runs his hand through his unusually messy hair. “I don’t count as family, but I’m going to send a patronus to Andromeda, she might have some pull working here and all.” James’ brain stopped working after the word surgery. 

He’s alive, thank the gods he’s alive. 

He shouldn't have doubted, this is Regulus after all. But that moment, in the kitchen, he had felt what that loss would do to him.

James is sure days pass as they wait for any word on how Regulus is doing. He knows enough about healing to guess how bad it must be to warrant surgery. Gods if he’s hurt that bad…James doesn’t know what he’ll do. 

They were supposed to have the day to themselves, it was going to be beautiful. He feels the outline of the ring box in his coat pocket. Closes his hand around it for dear life. As if holding it would keep Regulus’ soul tethered to earth.

We’ve got unfinished business My Star, don’t you dare go yet. 

More time passes, and he feels Peter lay his head on his shoulder. Remus is asleep on Sirius across the small waiting room. James’ dark eyes meet Sirius’ grey, and they exchange some sort of understanding. 

This. This right here, is hell. 

-

“I’m looking for…” A doctor trails off, frowning at her clipboard. “A Sirius Black?” She looks up inquisitively. 

Sirius shoots up, leaving Remus scrambling for stability. James studies the doctor's face as she prepares to speak. Looking for any sign of uncomfort, or pity. 

“I’m Doctor Pike, the surgeon on your friends case. He came in after an infirni attack. He’s very lucky his house elf managed to get him out of there, but the damage is…severe.” James’ throat tightens, his whole body screaming at this moment to stop. For time to go backwards to this morning. With Regulus safe and whole in his arms. The doctor goes on to tell them about how Regulus had been torn apart. About the poison still in his system, and how if Regulus survives the toxins, his body will never really recover.

Gods, you’ve survived so much please, please, please survive this too, he begs silently as the doctor leads them down the hall.

“Normally, we only let family in, but…a recovery like this needs support.” 

“I-We are his family,” Sirius echoes as they turn down a corridor with dim lighting.

It doesn’t take long to reach him. They stop outside his door, and James nearly breaks. 

The room is magically darkened. The dull glow from a wall to wall window barely makes a dent, but he can still see Regulus. The parts of his body not covered in a hospital gown, are wrapped in some kind of dressing made out of plants. Through those, James catches glimpses of  red, angry, wounds. A freshly closed scar runs down the side of his hairline. The shape of it is ominous, like a clawed hand had tried to pull him by the hair.

“What did they do to him,” chokes Sirius. 

Peter is the first to move, rushing to sit in the chair on the far side of Regulus’ bed. James, jarred by the sudden movement, gingerly steps closer. 

He’d gone with Lily to visit her grandmother in a muggle hospital. It had shocked him how many wires and tubes they kept attached to people there; and James knows they’re using charms to help Regulus breathe, potions to keep him in deep sleep, it doesn’t change how…at peace he looks. 

Meanwhile, James swears he can feel his own flesh ripping open as he takes in the damage. 

It’s been years since James has been afraid to touch Regulus, but the scene before him has such a fragile air to it. Still, he can’t quite stop his hand from grazing lightly over Regulus’ damp curls as he settles in the chair closest to Regulus’ face. 

He looks closer at the lacerations covered by the wrappings, they seem to be pulling some kind of purple energy from Regulus’ body. It makes the leaves look like they’re glowing. 

“Pads?” James hears Peter’s questioning voice through the blood rushing in his ears. He looks up to see Sirius holding the door frame with a tight grip, eyes wide and face pale. Remus has an arm wrapped around his waist, holding Sirius up.

“I just–” he closes his eyes tightly. “I need a minute.” James meets Remus’ eye, and Remus nods.

“Why don’t we go sit down outside for a mo?” He hears Remus murmur quietly to his boyfriend. Sirius nods jerkily, and leans on Remus for support as they slip out of the room. The doctor stands at the end of the bed, holding a clipboard which James assumes must be Regulus’ chart. 

“When is he going to wake up?” Peter asks quietly, not really looking away from where Sirius had been standing. James notes how Peter can’t quite bring himself to touch Regulus either, and instead just lays his hand down near Regulus’ own, fingers nearly brushing but not quite. 

“We don’t really know,” James notices for the first time how exhausted the doctor looks. “The wrappings are Aloe Vera leaves soaked in a sanitatem jelly. They’re pulling the dark magic from his body, but it’s a slow and tedious process. We’re trying to keep him in a medically induced coma while they work, as it can be quite…painful, but it's a complex toxin.” James stomach lurches, he digs his fingers into the palms of his hands briefly before unclenching them, and tries to breathe through his nose. 

-

The healer leaves soon after, and James hopes Peter paid more attention than him, but chances are he’s just as wiped as James. According to the clock over the door, which James can barely make out in the dark room, it's just past two am. He lays his head on his forearms next to Regulus and feels the heat radiating off his body. Probably from the healers magic, because Regulus is almost never warm like this. Sirius used to joke he was a blanket thief as a kid, and Regulus does like to poke fun by touching the back of people’s necks with his cold hands.

 If James is being honest, he loves it a bit too much. It means he gets to pull Regulus close at night, feel him shiver as James’ warmth envelopes him. Maybe Regulus used to hog the blankets with Sirius, but apparently James is a space heater. There isn’t a single morning they don’t end up with their limbs all tangled together. It's wonderful, having to pry himself free just to look into Regulus' eyes.

Eventually, Sirius comes back, Remus in tow, and they sit. Sirius doesn’t look at Regulus, James doesn’t look away. 

A nurse with sharp eyes and a name tag reading Meadows knocks quietly on the door half an hour later. “I’m sorry, but Doctor Pike needs to monitor him for a while, so we need the room.” James nearly grips Regulus’ hand tighter, but restrains himself and calmly nods. His head spins as he stands, either from exhaustion or dehydration but Peter is there in an instant, holding James up with one hand, and shoving the invisibility cloak in another.

“Where did you–” James starts, voice raw from unuse. 

“I know where you live,” Peter smirks coyly. James really doesn't know how to thank him enough. The others go home to get some rest, but James waits an hour for Doctor Pike to leave, looking more worn out than before. 

The first thing James notices is that Regulus has been moved onto his side. Probably to treat his back. The Doctor had also replaced most of the aloe wrappings with regular bandages, but there were some still visible under his hospital robes, and one on the side of his neck. The new ones appear as a bright green instead of a sickly dark purple. As a result, the wounds underneath look more human, more raw. If James had eaten anything in the past few hours he’s sure his stomach would be churning at the sight. The silence filling the room swallows him as he collapses with a sigh into the same chair from before, and takes hold of Regulus’ hand once again. 

“I-I really thought I'd lost you, Reg,” he whispers. “I can't do this again.” Regulus doesn’t respond, of course, but talking just…it feels better than letting himself be suffocated. “I really don’t know what it is you do for them, or if you can even get out of it. But if you still want to run, after this I’d go with you in a heartbeat.” He sniffs, brushing a lock of hair out of Regulus’ sweet face.

They'd talked about it. Running. It was right before James graduated, and he'd been so angry. Stupidly believing that Regulus wanted to run because he was scared, or because he didn't want to fight. Regulus calls it the Gryffindor in him, but…it took this to make him understand. 

Surviving the war would be nothing compared to a life without Regulus. And the guilt of leaving would never outweigh the questions of what if they’d taken their chance. 

-

After nearly another hour of lying half on the bed with his head pillowed by his arms, he feels it. The small movement of Regulus’ hand curling around his own. Maybe it’s just a reflex but James sits up, rubbing sleep from his eyes, and gazes down at Regulus’ face. 

He watches as Regulus’ eyebrows slowly scrunch together, and his mouth twitch momentarily before he opens his beautiful eyes. His pupils are blown out, probably from all the pain medications, and everything about him is dull, and groggy. But his eyes are open, and his eyes are coming into focus on James' face.

“Hey,” James whispers. He can’t help how his voice breaks, or the tears prickling in his eyes. Even half unconscious Regulus notices, and moves to wipe them away, but James stops him. 

“What’--” Regulus croaks, but winces painfully at the effort. 

“ Just stay still, alright? You’re safe, at St. Mungos, I promise you’re safe here.” James tries to muster a soft smile to assure Regulus of his words. It must come out a little broken because Regulus furrows his eyebrows, as if he’s more concerned with why James looks so upset than why he’s in the hospital. “I’m going to get a nurse, alright? I want to make sure they know you’re awake.” 

Nurse Meadows gives him a look, single eyebrow raised, as James bashfully approaches the front desk. He knows there’s a chance she might try to kick him out, but it doesn’t matter. He’s got the cloak. “Re–uh, Richard’s awake, and I know I wasn’t supposed to stay but…”

The nurse just waves him off, standing quickly, "my sister went to school with you lot, I had a feeling one of you would outsmart me somehow,” she sighs. 

“Dorcas?” James asks curiously. 

The nurse nods, taking the lead back to Regulus’ room. “Yeah, that’s her, I’m Lou, by the way.” She’s quick to quiet herself as they enter Regulus’ room.

James is quick to rush to his side when he notices Regulus’ breathing had sped up in his absence. Lou is quick to help turn Regulus onto his back, and pulls a small purple vial from a locked cabinet in the corner. 

“Is he–” James starts, panic setting in his bones.

“It’s just from the pain. We’ve already given him a lot for it, but now that he’s awake–” She uncorks the vial and draws Regulus’s attention. “Welcome back, Mr. Wilkes, I’m going to give you this pain potion, is that alright?” Lou gently pours the potion into Regulus’ mouth after getting a sharp nod of confirmation. 

The effect is instant. Regulus’ breath slows down to a normal pace, and the tension leaves his body as quickly as it came. James collapses next to him, barely holding back a sob of relief. “Thank you,” he looks up at Lou, who smiles gently.

“Don’t worry about it. The potion might make him a bit loopy though.” She glances at the door, then back to James. “I have to do an exam, make sure his brains’ not doing anything funny.” She pulls a stethoscope off her neck before tilting her head at him. “You’re not supposed to be here, but something tells me if I kick you out you’ll find a way to sneak back in.”

“Probably,” James shrugs, still trying to calm his nerves. 

It doesn’t take long, she checks his heart rate, casts some diagnostic spells that make a flurry of colour appear around Regulus’ head before it all fades. James watches Regulus grimace at the light, but overall doesn’t seem to be in a lot of pain, at least for now. Finally, Lou gives them a soft smile and lets them know Doctor Pike will come check in after her next surgery is over. And then they’re alone again.

“Hey, you,” James murmurs, retaking Regulus’ hand. He tightens his grip just a little more than earlier.  

“Hi,” Regulus whispers, tugging at James’ hand in a weak effort to pull him closer. 

“Careful, love," James smiles. "I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Shh,” Regulus mumbles, pulling harder. James laughs, and a moment later finds himself climbing on the bed, facing the other boy.

"That potion's really taking effect, huh?" James mutters as he gets comfortable.

They're silent for a long moment before Regulus breathes in deeply, "you have such pretty eyes,” His voice marked with an uncharacteristic lilt.

“Ah,” James chuckles. “Do I now?” 

“Mmhm,” Regulus closes his eyes as James threads one of his hands through Regulus’ curls, wary of any possible wounds. After a moment he opens them again, a wounded look on his face, “I’m sorry I scared you.” 

James’ heart pulls in his chest. “It’s okay, Reg. It’s okay. Don’t–don’t think about that right now.”

Regulus shifts so one of his arms is over James torso, and James indulges him by moving a bit closer. He can still feel the unnatural heat from the dark magic in Regulus’ body, but he tries his best to ignore it, and breathes into the fact that Regulus is here. He’s here, and he’s alive. 

James trails his hand up to Regulus' face. He does his best to be gentle with his touches, moving down so his forehead rests against Regulus's. 

“I love you so much,” James whispers, tilting forward to press a sweet kiss to the corner of Regulus' mouth. 

Regulus makes a pleased sound, and moves his hands up into James' hair. “My Jamie,” he sighs, his eyes fluttering closed again. "I love you too.” 

Maybe it’s because it was one of the last things Regulus had spoken before he left, or just because of what a crap day it had been; but for what feels like the first time since that letter arrived, James breathes.