Lean On Me

He didn’t find out about what had happened to Remus Lupin until a barn owl dropped the Daily Prophet on the steps of Grimmauld Place.

TRAITOR OF WAR REMUS LUPIN’S BIG HAIRY SECRET

Remus’s name fled in and out of the Daily Prophet like a rushing waterfall, in and out, his name exchanged between every article like it was first nature. And although every article did not bring up the murder that he should have been known for, they always seemed to find a way to announce Lupin’s former burdened secret.

Sirius found himself more than once considering how Lupin might feel if he knew the way they talked of him. When he closed his eyes, he could picture Lupin’s face scrunched in disgust, his nose crinkled and his lips pursed. His agitated rants echoed down the hall and taunted him with their sympathy, begging him to react, to speak out, to say something. Instead, Sirius lit the fireplace with the tabloids and watched as the magic satisfyingly drifted away with the embers.

Weeks fled into months where Sirius didn’t leave Grimmauld Place. Mary visited often, but not often enough. In the first few months after the Potter’s funeral, Mary spent nearly every night in Sirius’s guest room. He was always right by her side. They clung to each other as the radio droned on and on in the background, an emotionless list of their lost soldiers, just one more to check off their list.

Sirius buried his head into Mary’s shoulder and wished that he were one of them.

“What happens to Harry,” she asked on an early November morning as the two sipped their tea in the parlor.

Mary sat crisscrossed on the sofa with dozens of blankets wrapped around her thin frame, and although he did not say, Sirius was quietly pleased that his mother would’ve been horrified by the sight. Sirius sat comfortably across from her in the corner his grandfather’s armchair used to reside, but now was replaced with a comfortable rocking chair they’d found in the forgotten nursery. With a pillow hugged to his chest, Sirius cradled the warm mug for comfort.

“I got into a fight with Dumbledore about the matter,” Sirius said lowly, as if the portraits or Kreacher, the Black family’s nutty old house elf, might overhear, “I yelled until I couldn’t breathe. But Dumbledore and McGonagall both agreed that I was in no condition to take care of Harry, and that it would be better for him to be raised in the muggle world. They claimed he would be safer that way.”

Mary looked up from her mug, alarmed. “But he’s going to find out eventually. They’re throwing him to the dogs, Sirius. You’re his godfather- He needs to know about James and Lily-”

“I know, Mary. I told them the same thing. But Dumbledore thinks it’s wise at the moment. While Vold-” Sirius cleared his throat. “While He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named is lying low, he thinks it is best for Harry to be as far away as possible until he is of age. Hagrid will be taking him to live with Lily’s sister tonight, but for now he is in Dumbledore’s care.”

Mary’s brows burrowed into a frown. “You mean Petunia and that weasel of a husband she has?”

Sirius nodded and hid his chewed lip behind his mug. He drained the contents in one long sip and placed it on the coffee table. “It’s our only choice if he won’t allow me to take care of him.”

“Sirius, I’m so sorry love,” she sighed.

Her dark eyes softened, and Sirius turned away so that she would not see his glassy eyes. She reached out and placed a hand on his knee, and although every instinct told him to pull away from the gentle touch he used to adore, he spared her the awkward tension. Her voice dropped to a whisper. 

“Did you get to say goodbye?”

Sirius swallowed hard. He could only nod.

Mary nodded her understanding and became suddenly interested in the doorway. “Sirius… I don’t think I can stay in London much longer.”

His back straightened as his heart plummeted into his stomach. “What?”

“I’m leaving. I need to get out here. I- I don’t think I can stay in the Wizarding World much longer. After losing Mar and Dorcas, and James and Lily and Re…”

Mary did not speak his full name.

Sirius followed his friend’s lead and stared intently at a spot on the floor. “So where will you go?”

She shrugged. “Far far away. Anywhere but here. I can’t lose anyone else, Sirius. I was meant to be a secretary or a teacher in the muggle world, and help my mother raise my siblings. I am meant to be a mother Sirius, and well… I don’t think I can have that here.”

She swiped at her eyes, and Sirius gave her the courtesy to act like he hadn’t noticed. Her voice trembled when she spoke next. “I will not raise my children in fear, Sirius. I never truly was meant for this life, anyway. I wasn’t meant to be a soldier.”

“You were never supposed to. None of us were.”

Mary’s lower lip wobbled dangerously. “I know. But I’m going to keep in touch, love. I promise. And I’ll visit every Christmas. But I just need to get away.”

Sirius raised his head and sighed. “Okay, Mary.”

Mary MacDonald left London early the next morning. She called him every week and told him excitedly of her travels, although she never told him where she traveled to. And as the years went on, Mary’s calls grew few. She never gave him an address. She never called from the same number. She never told him she loved him. She never said goodbye.

Mary stopped calling, and Sirius was alone.

----------

“He has her eyes.”

Weeks later, Moony uttered those four words in the parlor one afternoon. He’d grown fond of the piano, and although he could not read the sheet music, Moony would spend the afternoon plucking the strings with calloused hands, one out of tune note at a time. The werewolf watched Sirius from his seat at the grand piano as he rocked in his chair, his socked feet brushing the hardwood in airy taps.

Sirius had been so caught up in the book he’d been reading that he thought he might’ve misheard. “Hm,” he hummed distractedly as he turned his page.

“Harry. He has Lily’s eyes,” Moony answered shyly, his shoulders suddenly small, “But he looks just like-”

“James.”

The name spoken between them was like a boulder sinking into water, breaking the frail calm 

that had carefully surfaced between them. At the sound of their old friend’s name on Sirius’s lips, Moony shrunk into himself, as if he could hide behind the piano. The color had started to return to his skin, but his cheeks grew startlingly pink. His bony fingers clenched the fabric of his trousers in trembling hands, lips chewed raw and fingernails bitten to the beds. Sirius heard Remus’s heart skip as clearly as a record, and he ignored it.

He nodded calmly. “I know. He told me he’s heard it every year since he got to Hogwarts. I didn’t realize just how many people remembered Lily’s eyes. Remembered James’s face. Sometimes in the beginning, when the nightmares were worse, I used to worry that I’d forget. But now that I walked the school as an adult, and looked into all those children’s bright eyes, I don’t think I could ever forget any of their smiling faces.”

Moony’s amber eyes flicked timidly up at him through his lashes. “I thought that he was-”

“I know. I did too. I thought I’d really lost my mind then.”

Moony huffed the closest thing he’d gotten to a laugh since they’d been reunited. “I thought I lost my mind a long time ago.”

“When Dumbledore asked me to teach Defense Against The Dark Arts, I nearly declined. I had hardly left my house in years, and it wasn’t like I had the best record at school.” He chuckled softly. Moony did not return it. Sirius sighed and placed his book down. “But Dumbledore was persistent, so I did it. He told me that now that Voldemort was beginning to stir, and Harry was growing older, it was time that he got to know more about his past. I can’t remember a time I’d ever been more terrified to do something. Even…”

Moony’s figure perked up, his eyes bright compared to the darkness of the parlor. He raised his brows expectantly. “Yes?”

Sirius bit the inside of his cheek. “Even during the war.”

“Oh,” Moony said easily, but Sirius couldn’t help but think that his old friend had been hoping for something more. “Right.”

Silence fell between them, Moony plucking random keys while Sirius rifled through the pages of his book absentmindedly. 

“What’s Harry like?”

Moony watched Sirius with curious eyes, an expression he’d seen so many times in their youth that it was almost comforting. Sirius couldn’t help but smile. “He’s got Lily’s kind heart and James’s sarcasm. He laughs like Lily and talks like James, although his study habits are more like mine at his age, I’d hate to say, but he’s as smart as the two of them combined. He’s very brave and loyal, all the qualities a Gryffindor should have. I do wish he hadn’t picked up his father’s inability to think before he acts, though.”

Remus laughed quietly as he blinked rapidly up at the ceiling and after a long fight he begrudgingly wiped the tears away with his sleeve. He sniffed. “And his friends? The two that were there when…”

“Remus, they’re great kids. The girl, Miss Granger, reminds me so much of Lily. She’s certainly the brightest witch of her age. Muggleborn, and constantly wanting to learn. She’s so curious about everything, and she keeps those boys in line, although whenever they get in trouble she is always right by their side. And the boy is Molly and Arthur’s youngest son, Ron. I dunno if I’ve ever met a kid so loyal. The Weasleys have raised that family well. I know if anything happened to Harry he’d be right by his side.”

“Like you.”

Sirius’s chest clenched and he fought the urge to look away. “Yeah. I guess he’s a little like I was, sure.”

“Padfoot… do you think I’d ever get to meet Harry? And actually meet him, not when I’m- When I’m not my… not myself?”

“I think so,” Sirius admitted, although Moony did not seem too relieved by the fact. Sirius stood from his chair and walked over to the piano. Moony’s brows creased as Sirius kneeled down next to his seat. “I think you’ll be able to meet him soon. He wants to come live at Grimmauld Place. I agreed. Maybe during the summer when the gossip lies lower, I might be able to introduce him to you.”

Remus nodded along slowly as he pondered the idea. “I think I’d like that.”

Sirius grinned. “There’s our Moony.”

Remus sucked in a breath, and although his shoulders were still tense, his heart had stopped beating so fast. “Sirius, I never wanted him to meet me that way. When I was the very creature I swore to protect him from. I was going to keep that part of my life out of Harry’s as long as I could, and now it’s the only way he’s seen me. As a convict and as a monster.”

“Oh, Moony,” Sirius sighed heavily, “Harry was never bothered that you were a werewolf. He only reacted the way he did because he believed a lie that Peter had made up a long time ago. But now that we all know the truth, he’ll only see you as James’s friend. That’s all he really cares about. He just wants to know more about his family. That’s all.”

“Okay… Okay, but-”

“Remus,” he said calmly, and amber eyes met his gaze, “I promise you. Harry won’t mind.”

Moony scanned the room, then leaned in close. He whispered, “I don’t want to hurt him. I’d lost track of the full moons years ago, I didn’t even think that it might happen that night. And I know I didn’t hurt him, but what if I had? What if the dementors hadn’t found me? What if they hadn’t stunned me like that?”

“I won’t let that happen again. I’ll help you. We’ll figure out a rhythm again, like when we were kids. And there’s plenty of potions that subdue it, just like the dementors did, only less uncomfortable.”

Remus huffed. “Uncomfortable is one way to put it.”

“You’re only hurting yourself by worrying this way, Moony. We have weeks to figure out what to do about the next full moon, and I’ll write to Dumbledore and see if we can get ahold of some of those potions, alright?”

“Why are you helping me, Sirius? Why are you doing all of this, after everything I’ve put you through?”

Sirius frowned. “Because you’re my friend first, Moony. It’s time I put the past behind me.”

Remus didn’t speak for a long moment.

“There’s a Chinese place down the street. Why don’t I run by and get us something to eat?”

He was already at the door when Remus asked, “Do you think he’ll ever know? About… About us?”

Sirius turned and faced his friend, hands shoved in his pockets so that he wouldn’t see his trembling fingers. “With time. He’ll figure it out on his own time, and if he asks we’ll be honest.”

Moony’s eyes widened. “I’d never lie to Harry.”

Sirius shrugged. “I never expected you to.”

Sirius walked away, the plucking of a single note bouncing off the walls the only noise to distract him from his racing heart.