Happy
- August 23, Dinner
James was glowing. Or at least he felt like he was glowing. He had stayed a few minutes in the bathroom after the others had left yesterday. Partly because he wanted to admire the marks Regulus had left on him, and partly because he had to heal the visible ones since he didn’t want to walk around with a charm on his neck for the next few days. He had kept the ones on his chest though. He liked having them, as a reminder that he was Regulus’. Even if they weren’t in a actual relationship yet.
James was fine with their little agreement, Regulus had come to his room last night wearing his usual sleeping clothes. They had talked, James had a feeling they both wanted to speed up the getting to know each other process. But even if they had talked for quite some time, Regulus had left James’ room satisfied by the new marks now covering the older ones chest.
It was very exciting to James. Having a secret like this, he quite enjoyed sneaking around. He reckoned he would want to stop eventually but at the moment James couldn’t be more pleased.
“Regulus dear, you’ve been living here for two weeks now, you don’t have to be so formal with us. I would be happy if you called me Effie,” James’ mother said, which snapped James out of the memories of last night. “I didn’t really say anything at first, since I thought you would feel uncomfortable with it but you’re a part of this family now,” she continued kindly. James looked to see Regulus reaction. He was sat frozen, staring at James’ mother. “Ehm, yes, sure, of course. Thank you?” he said. James couldn’t help but laugh at that. “Sorry,” he continued sheepishly. Regulus looked embarrassed. “Oh it’s fine, I’m sure it will be a change to get used to, but just call us whatever you feel comfortable with,” his mother chuckled lightly. “Of course, thank you Effie,” Regulus said quietly. James found his smile adorable.
“I’m not as kind as my Effie.” James father started firmly and Regulus looked a little scared. “I will not accept being called anything other than Monty.” he finished with a teasing smile. Regulus visibly relaxed, he had a small smile and James could hear a small laugh. “Of course Monty,” he said. James’ dad looked pleased. “Does that mean I also have to call you Monty, dad?” James joked. “Oh no. You will absolutely not. If I hear anything other than dad, father or Mister all mighty powerful potioneer, you will be grounded.” his dad once again joked. Sirius laughed. “Yes, of course. How could I forget. I’m sorry Mister all mighty powerful potioneer,” James continued joking with his dad. This summer had been… strange. But right at this moment, James thought he couldn’t be happier.
- August 23rd, 11.00pm
James was laying in his bed thinking. About everything. Especially everything that had happened. And how good it was going.
Firstly, James’ confusing feelings. He had already accepted them weeks ago. And after what Regulus had told him, it was staring to feel like a puzzlepiece finally finding its place.
Secondly, James’ confusing feelings towards Regulus. James knew he had had some kind of feelings for him throughout last year. James knew that his friends were correct. He had been slightly obsessed. But it wasn’t exactly love or anything, James only watched him from opposite sides of the great hall. And during quidditch, and that time in the astronomy tower, and on the map. And sometimes James had seen him sit alone outside, reading a book. And James had seen how different he acted depending on which people he were with, and James knew Regulus was friends with the blonde Ravenclaw. Pandora.
When Regulus was with Pandora he was always very happy. James also knew that Regulus hadn’t been eating properly at dinners, or at lunch, or breakfast. But then James also noticed it depended on the day. James had noticed a lot. Enough to develop feelings. Not enough to fall in love. But now? They had had conversations, they were quite quickly getting to know each other, and James’ feelings were quite quickly growing. But it was good.
Thirdly, Regulus and Sirius’ relationship was getting better. James hadn’t known about their talks until a few days ago. But from what James could see, they were getting more and more comfortable and they seemed to be repairing all that had been broken.
Fourthly, James could see that something was happening between two of his friends. Ever since the drunken confessions where three out of five people had come out, Sirius and Remus had been acting strangely. Remus had been planning to only stay two nights but it had been decided that he would stay the rest of the break. This was because Sirius had threatened him, ‘Moony if you go home and ignore us for the rest of the summer I won’t talk to you for the rest of the year!’ James had only stared at them, he knew his parents would be perfectly fine with it. They loved Remus. ‘You are going to stay here the rest of the summer I don’t care what you have to say your arguments aren’t good enough!’ Remus had acted frustrated but James could see that he was happy with what Sirius had said. Remus was supposed to be staying in the guestroom on the first floor. But Sirius had argued that it was too far away so four days ago Sirius had made Remus share his room. ‘So you won’t be so far away and lonely’ . Remus had only smiled shyly. James had really been an idiot before, how could he miss their obvious feelings for each other.
Fifthly, Regulus seemed perfectly fine now. He hadn’t had anymore panic attacks or flashbacks. James knew this because he had asked and Regulus had promised he hadn’t. Regulus was in a shitty state for a few days after the accident, but now he was good. James knew that he was glad their parents were dead, and James also knew that Regulus was happy that Kreacher most likely was safe. James also knew that Regulus didn’t seem traumatized at all over the fire. James didn’t want to overthink it. The aurors had concluded that it had been a freak muggle accident and the case had been closed.
But James did overthink it. James wasn’t an idiot, he knew that Regulus had been lying to him. He had changed the story and hidden information, some things just didn’t feel right. James thought either to protect someone else, Kreacher perhaps, or himself. But even if Regulus was the one who had started the fire, James didn’t care. He was glad that Regulus had done it. James was sure. Regulus had killed his parents. James didn’t mind, he had after all said that he would be forever grateful for the person who would end up taking their lives. And James was oh so grateful for Regulus.
- August 23rd, 11.00pm
Sirius was staring at the ceiling. He couldn’t sleep. He and Remus had shared room for four nights in a row now. Sirius’ bed was in the corner farthest from the door, and Remus was sleeping on another bed Effie had put there temporarily. Sirius was happy to be sharing a room with Remus, they do it majority of the year anyway, at Hogwarts. But now they were alone, James and Peter weren’t there. Sirius hadn’t really thought it through. Sirius really wanted to share bed with Remus. But would Remus think that’s weird? Sirius didn’t want to ruin their friendship, but ever since he found out Remus also liked blokes he couldn’t stop thinking about him. His feelings were only stronger than before, and a pathetic hope had flickered in his heart.
Sirius flipped to his side, staring at the sleeping figure at the other side of the room. He was really beautiful. Sirius knew that, all their friends knew that, hell, probably the whole school knew that. Everyone except Remus himself thought that Remus Lupin was a beautiful man. It ached in Sirius heart whenever Remus would put himself down. Sirius did everything he could to make Remus feel the way others thought of him.
Sirius knew Remus Lupin was beautiful. Sirius wanted Remus to know he was beautiful.
Sirius knew Remus was funny. Sirius wanted Remus to know he was funny.
Sirius knew Remus was kind, smart, and deserving of love. Sirius wanted Remus to know he was kind, smart and deserving of love.
Sirius loved Remus Lupin. And Sirius wanted Remus Lupin to love himself .
- May ??, 1976
Sirius had been in the commonroom for three hours trying to write the Potions essay. But he just couldn’t do it. It’s not like the material was hard or confusing, Sirius just simply couldn’t focus. Something was gnawing at him, trying to make him realise what was wrong. What was missing? It was very late and something felt wrong but Sirius couldn’t put a finger on what it was.
He looked around but everything looked normal. James was sitting beside him working on his own essay, Peter was playing chess with Mary, Lily and Marlene were sat at a table farther away with their own homework. Some other Gryffindor students were spread around the commonroom, but they were all minding their own business. What was wrong?
Sirius looked out the window, it would be a full moon in three days. Was it that? But Sirius was never affected by the full moon. It was always- Remus. Remus wasn’t here. That’s what’s wrong. Sirius looked around to make sure he was correct. He was.
“Prongs, do you know where Moony is?” he asked turned to his best friend. James didn’t look up from his paper as he answered, “Dorm.” Sirius didn’t wait another second. He packed up his things and quickly made his way upstairs. He opened the door fully expecting the taller one to be sleeping. Not standing in the middle of the room with only a towel around his waist. Sirius’ heart did a flip. He was frozen. Oh. Was all he thought. Oh. Oh no. Sirius couldn’t stop staring, he was sure his mouth was open.
“Hello? Sirius? Padfoot? Are you okay?” Sirius snapped out of the trance when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Remus was stood right in front of him, looking concerned. His hair was dripping wet, most likely from the shower he probably just got out of. “Sirius?”
“Oh.” was all he answered. Remus looked confused. “Oh, right. Yeah I’m fine. Just, just tired.” he continued. Trying to save himself from embarrassment. He went to sit on his bed, avoiding eyecontact. “Okay?” Remus was still just standing there, looking concerned. But he nodded when he realised Sirius wouldn’t say anything else. Sirius slowly looked up at Remus again, he had clothes in his arms and was heading to the bathroom again. Sirius let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding.
He had seen Remus shirtless a multitude of times, it wasn't new, Remus was always naked after the full moon. Sirius never actually looked at him until his private bits were covered, he wasn’t gross. But seeing Remus half naked, freshly out the shower. That did something to him. Sirius tried to forget it, but the more he tried to forget the picture of a wet shirtless Remus the more he thought about it. He could feel the heat pool down in his groin area. “Shit.” he quickly stood up and grabbed his own clothes. He was going to take a shower the minute Remus was out of the bathroom. To cool down, try to forget the unwanted feelings he had discovered for his best friend.
But Sirius didn’t cool down. He did the opposite. He was now stood with his forehead pressed against the wall in the shower. He could blame hormones. But the skip his heart had made at the sight of Remus wasn’t hormones. The reaction? Sure, hormones. And he couldn’t just ignore it could he. Sirius was young, he was going to do something about it when he had a hardon. But he was seriously regretting it now. It only made it worse. Sirius started softly banging his head against the wall. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Sirius knew he was gay. But- he hadn’t realised for who. Shit. Sirius had feelings for Remus.
“Sirius? You okay? What’s that noise?” James called through the door. Fuck.
- August 23rd, 1977, 11.15pm
“Moony?” he whispered into the room. Remus was sleeping. He wouldn’t answer so why was Sirius nervous. “Yes?” Shit, he wasn’t sleeping. “Ehh,” Sirius didn’t know what to say now. Should he just ask him. Sirius wasn’t a coward. Just do it!
“Do you want to- to cuddle?” he whispered so quietly he wasn’t sure if Remus even heard. After a few seconds of no answer, he was sure Remus hadn’t heard. Or he had heard or thought it was really weird. But then he heard the sound of fabric being pushed around and a pair of feet making their way to his bed. Sirius turned his head and was met with the sight of a very tired Remus Lupin. He lifted his duvet and Remus crept in. They just laid there for a while, awkward, not touching. “Well?” Remus asked. Sirius looked at him. “How do you want to do this?” he continued. Sirius didn’t say anything. He just moved so that he was laying with his head on Remus’ chest, and snaked his arm around his torso. He could feel Remus’ arms make their way around him. And now they were cuddling, and Sirius heart was beating too fast.
“Sirius?” he took a breath. Trying to calm down. “Yes?” he answered. “Why’s your heart beating so fast?” What the fuck was he going to say. He was far too tired to lie. He couldn’t make anything up. I am having a heart attack but no need to worry, please just ignore it? No that would sound so stupid. Without realising it Sirius’ mouth spilled out the truth. “Because I’m in love with you and I didn’t actually think you were awake and now I’m slightly panicking.” He could feel Remus tense up under him. Sirius was too nervous to move. “Really?” he heard a faint whisper. He couldn’t muster up any words so he only nodded. He didn’t dare lift his head to look at Remus.
“You’re in love with me?” Sirius only nodded again. “You’re not lying?” Sirius shook his head. “It’s not a joke?” Sirius shook his head again. He was holding his breath. “Are you sure?” it sounded hopeful. Now Sirius lifted his head. His eyebrows were furrowed. “I- I’m one hundred percent sure I love you Remus, I’m pretty sure I have for a while but I only just realised it last year,” he said determinedly. If he was going to fuck up their friendship he wanted to have said everything. “Why?” it was such a small whisper Sirius wasn’t sure he heard correctly.
“Because you are the most beautiful person I have ever met Remus.” Sirius sat up. He stared right into Remus’ eyes. “You are beautiful, you’re smart, funny, kind, loving, sarcastic, you are fantastic Remus. You care about others, and you think you don’t deserve the love you get but you do.” Remus went to open his mouth to deny it. But Sirius continued. “No Remus, I know what you’re going to say. And you are not a monster. You are Remus Lupin and you are a werewolf. But you are not a monster. You have never and will never be a monster. You’re our Moony and we love you. I love you. Because you are beautiful, you’re brilliant, magnificent, marvelous, everything good. There aren’t words to describe how amazing you are Remus. I am in love with you.”
Remus looked close to tears and Sirius was pretty sure he looked the same. Remus reached out and took his hand. “I love you too.” he whispered. Sirius smiled. “And not platonically. I love James but he is very much not my type. I’m in love with you.” Sirius laughed at that. Remus went to sit up, their faces mere inches from each other. “Can I kiss you?” he asked. Sirius nodded. It was short, soft. But perfect and filled with emotion. Sirius poured out everything he hadn’t the words to explain into it. And he felt just the same from Remus. His lips were soft, but he had a bad habit of chewing on his lips when he was stressed and Sirius could feel that. But he didn’t mind since he felt it with his own lips. He couldn’t stop smiling when they broke apart. Remus couldn’t either. They laid down again. “I am very tired,” the taller whispered. Sirius chuckled. “Me too, we should sleep.” Remus’ arms were around him again. “Yeah, we should, good night Sirius,” Sirius hugged him closer. “Good night Remus.”
- August 24th
Regulus had just woken up. Someone was knocking on his door. He didn’t feel like standing up. “Come in!” he yelled. The door opened and in came a too energetic James. Regulus couldn’t help the smile that crept up on his face. The door closed again and he was soon crushed by James who had jumped on him. “Good morning!” he smiled brightly. Regulus only grunted. He wasn’t a morning person. “I was thinking, we go on a date today,” he continued. Regulus instantly sobered up. “A date?” James nodded. “Where?” he asked. James only continued smiling. Regulus furrowed his brows. “Well, I thought we could go into town. It’s a muggle town, and they have a small bookshop and a tiny museum. And ice-cream! You know since we’re dating,” he answered with a shrug. “Nothing much, but I want to spend time with you outside of the house,” he continued quietly.
Regulus smiled and put his hand on James cheeks. “That sounds great,” he said softly. James smiled brighter, he leant in to kiss Regulus but he quickly backed away. James looked confused. Regulus put his hand in front of his mouth and frowned. “Morning breath. Wait 'til I’ve brushed my teeth,” he said to the confused man. James now groaned, Regulus felt it in his whole body since his whole body was still crushed under James. “I don’t care about that,” he said. But Regulus only shook his head and pushed the other boy away. “But I do. Now wait here while I brush my teeth, you can have a kiss when I come back,” he said teasingly before he walked out the door smiling brightly.