Conflicted Feelings
- August 14th
James did exactly what he said he would do. He stayed in the bathroom the entire night. He took a far too long shower. An hour he thinks, maybe two. He didn't want to think about what he had done in the shower. James didn’t have a clock in there, nor a book, or anything he could distract himself with. This resulted in Regulus occupying his thoughts. The. Entire. Night. James wasn’t a stranger to infatuations. He had been ‘obsessing’ as his friends would say, over Lily Evans since his first year. But that had changed his fifth year. When he finally 'gave up'. He grew up and realised it was starting to hurt getting rejected so much. He didn't tell anyone, he just stopped.
- September 1st, 1976
But his new single and crushfree life, even if he hadn't actually been in a relationship, only lasted a few month. Because on the train to Hogwarts before sixth year James had sat in his usual compartment with his friends, discussing the summer. They always arrived early to get their compartment as they liked to call it. Only a few weeks earlier had Sirius showed up at his place beaten badly, he had greeted James with his usual charming smile and then fallen unconscious. They hadn’t really spoken about what had happened to him, but James’ mother had told him about Sirius’ injuries and what had caused them. And James had wanted to kill the monsters that called themselves Sirius’ parents. James knew that he couldn’t kill them, but he promised himself that he would be forever grateful for the person that would end up taking their lives.
James had been sat staring out the window looking at all the new students, they were so small. ‘Merlin, remember when that was us?’ he had said. They all had hummed in fondness and then continued the conversation. James was just about to join as well, that was until his eyes fell on a certain younger Black. Standing with his idiot friends, Rosier and Crouch were deep in conversation but Regulus didn’t seem like he was listening. James was sure he had stopped breathing, it had only been one summer, one summer, but Regulus had grown. A lot. Unlike his brother Regulus had grown tall. James was sure he would grow taller than James himself. And James wasn’t short. It had been one summer, only about two months, but Regulus had gone from Sirius’ tiny little brother, to-, the only word James could describe him as was breathtaking. Gorgeous. He wasn’t Sirius’ weird tiny little brother anymore. Now he was gorgeous Regulus Black.
- Autumn 1976
That one time on the platform had been all James needed to grow not obsessed, but fascinated with the younger Black. Every time they were in the same room James’ eyes fell on him, like magnets. Of course his friends had noticed the first few weeks how James was always staring at the Slytherin table, they hadn’t bothered asking a first, they just assumed he were mentally sending hate their way or something. But eventually they had had enough of it, asked James what he was bloody doing. James had only looked confused and asked ‘ what do you mean?’ , the three friends had sighed ‘James you’ve been staring at the snakes every dinner, and, lunch, and breakfast for weeks now, what are you doing,” . James had been taken aback, he hadn’t realized he had stared that much, he didn’t think it was that obvious. He said the first thing that came to mind ‘I’m just trying to think of pranks, we haven’t done any this year’ and that seemed to be enough. Because Sirius gasped and immediately started discussing what they should do.
Then during a Halloween party they had held in the Gryffindor common room James had gotten pissed, he felt like he was going crazy. He didn’t like Regulus Black. He definitely didn’t. But he still found himself under his cloak, map in one hand and bottle of firewhiskey in the other on his way to the astronomy tower where he had seen Regulus’ name. James had snuck in unnoticed, but the view he was greeted with made him stop in his tracks. James didn’t take off his cloak, but he stayed there just looking at Regulus who was oh so beautifully crying while looking up at the starry night sky. James stayed until Regulus left four hours later. And when James arrived back at the common room at three in the morning he realised that he probably would have stayed all night if Regulus hadn’t left.
- March, 1977
James’ little attraction to little Black wasn’t really a problem. After the night in the astronomy tower James had gotten calmer. Maybe knowing that Regulus had emotions made James feel a little better about his barely feelings for him. He never spoke to him during the year, he stopped staring as much, not completely but only when he was sure he wouldn’t get caught. He didn’t go to the astronomy tower anymore, and he didn’t look for Regulus on the map. James had started questioning if he had always thought the younger Black was attractive but that his crush on Lily had been too distracting. But James still didn't obsess. He was doing good.
He really was doing just fine and no-one suspected a thing. Until March, when he was attacked by his three mates. James had been peacefully napping in his bed after classes when all three of them jumped on his. The panic that James felt the moment the words left Sirius’ mouth was something he’d never felt before. ‘Who do you like?’. James had no idea what to say, so he didn’t say anything. Sirius continued, ‘you haven’t tried to get Evans to go out with you a single time this year. And you are constantly in your own head, staring at nothing, smiling, and you’ve stopped being a blushing idiot when Evans talks to you, so who do you like and why have we not heard anything about her yet’ . James once again just stared. Then he felt like he couldn’t breathe.
Her.
Regulus wasn’t a girl. James just realized. His heart was beating out of his chest and his lungs felt restricted. He couldn't breathe. His eyes were watering. “I-” James voice cracked. “I need to go to the bathroom,” he breathed out. And then ran to the bathroom, locked the door and sat down in the shower. Not turning on the water. James liked a bloke. No. He didn’t like Regulus, he just found him attractive, those are completely different things. But still, James found a bloke attractive. James hadn’t thought about it, it just felt so natural, no big deal. But it is a big deal. He didn’t know anyone who did that. How would everyone react. Would they hate him? James felt the tears on his cheeks. He couldn’t tell them, he wouldn’t tell them. James sat there for a while, then he got up and splashed his face with cold water. Trying to calm down, look like he didn’t just have a breakdown in the shower. Then a soft knock was heard. ‘James are you okay?’
James lied. 'yeah, I'm okay'.
- August 14th, Lunch
That had been five months ago and he still hadn’t told anyone. James was still in the bathroom even after he knew that breakfast had been served. He stayed in the bathroom, no-one bothered him. And he was grateful for that. That was until lunch, when his mother knocked on the door. “James?” her voice was soft. James loved his mother. And he really wanted a hug right now. So he unlocked the door and went back to his seat on the floor. His mother snuck in and quietly locked the door again. “Hi,” she whispered. “Hello,” he whispered back. “Why are we whispering?” he whispered again. His mother laughed quietly. She smiled at him. “So, do you want to tell me why you’ve been locked up in the bathroom all morning?” she asked still quietly but not in a whisper. James huffed. “All night,” he answered. His mother looked shocked. “You’ve been in here all night and all morning?”, James looked down on the floor. He felt like he was gonna cry. He just nodded. “What’s happened James? You know you can tell me, there’s nothing you could do that would make me think badly of you,” she said warmly. James let out a sob, and then he was in his mothers arms. So he cried. And cried. And cried. For forever it felt like. Until he stopped. And he whispered “ I like blokes”. He could feel his mother still for a second, but then she just hugged him tighter. “Did you think I would be against that? James I love you , no matter who you love.” She said firmly, but still kind. James then continued crying. They stayed there for an hour. Then James followed his mother to his room, and let her tuck him in. “Mum, I’m not a kid,” she just looked at him and said “Yes you are, now sleep, I will wake you for dinner if you’re not up by then, I love you”, James sniffed, “ I love you too.”