Messiah Complex

“When I’m not guilty, I’m sad,” Lottie admitted. “What happened was so sad. Half of my friends died. Little girls, most of which never reached eighteen. So many parents left without daughters, siblings left without sisters. And Javi, and our coaches and the flight crew. The poor Martinez mother. It’s so awful. And we made it worse.”

Her therapist, a woman coincidentally named Jen, offered: “It was fortunate that any of you survived.”

“It could’ve been more.”

“It could’ve been none. If you are intent on imaging alternate paths your time there could have taken, you must always start with the fact that your plane left any survivors at all.”  

Lottie eyed the woman. Was her name a coincidence? It had been a long time since Lottie had thought of Gen individually, instead of one of many dead girls. She had never really been close to Gen. Never got close to Gen, even in the Wilderness. She did eat Gen, but she wouldn’t count that as ‘close’.

“I don’t know if it was meant to happen or not,” Lottie admitted. Admits. “I don’t know which of us was right.”

--

“I can’t believe you’re still in contact with Travis,” Nat said. The cubicle framed her like album art. Lottie used to think about recording some of her guitar covers. She didn’t know if Nat was into music – she certainly looked the part – but something told her their styles were different. Still. She could ask Nat to pose for a cover.

Lottie’s eyebrows flew. “Are you not?”

“Not at the minute.” Nat wouldn’t meet her eyes. “I will be. We don’t like the long-distance thing.”

A complete and utter lie. Well, maybe it was a little true, but it was clearly inferior to whatever Nat was hiding. Lottie would bet good money that things got nasty. That they’re done, for at least a year.

“You didn’t answer my question,” Lottie reminded. “How have you been?”

“I’m institutionalised. As are you.”

“It’s not always a sign of unwellness,” Lottie said. Nat looked very, very annoyed. “A break from the world can be very healing.”

“It’s only healing if you’re unwell,” Nat said. “Hey, Lot? Would you leave me alone? There are sixty things I wanna say to you, and I haven’t prepared a list, because I didn’t know that you’d be here, so I can’t yell them all in a straight row even though that’s all I want to do.”

“If you’ve broken up with Travis, you probably don’t have any support,” Lottie pointed out. “The staff at your clinic won’t understand. If you want true understanding while you’re in here, the only person you can talk to is me.”

Nat gaped. “Are you kidding me? It’s your fault Travis and I broke up,” Nat snapped. “You ruined my life, all the way from the past, because that’s what you do best. It’s your fault I’m in here! We decided to share secrets, and guess what his was?”

--

It is Lottie’s time to sleep in the plane. Not that she can sleep. She sits in the seat that was hers when they crashed, wondering if that’s what it wants her here for.

Lottie stares at the seat in front. Laura Lee’s seat. She clung to her arm as they crashed. It felt better, a little. Hearing her prayers, caught in the wind.

She tries to summon up that moment, travel there, but she can’t. It’s as far as ever.

Her eyes close.

She’s woken by a ruckus outside. A moose wandering into view, the guarders panicking. A girl descending from its back. Krystal.

Everyone gathers outside, welcoming Krystal back. It is amazing that she is still alive, and has survived alone. There is still enough meat for her to eat. It’s perfect timing.

“Thank god we found her,” Melissa says, smiling with tears in her eyes.

Lottie wakes up.

The sun is rising. The windows have steamed, and Lottie has to rub one to see out of the plane. Natalie and Travis are arguing; Natalie says something, clearly vicious, and Travis goes inside.

Naturally, Lottie goes outside. Nat lets out a snort when she sees her, head shaking.

“What do you want?”

“What part of you is hurting?” Lottie asks.

“The part that wants to be left alone, only to have you up in my business,” Natalie spits. “Not everything needs fixing, Lottie, can I have a fucking minute to be upset without you hounding me about it?”

“If you’re hurting, the group is,” Lottie says. Nat is pacing, on edge. Years later, Nat will look like this riled up from drugs. “It isn’t about just you, you need to be strong for the good of all of us.”

“Why did you choose me?” Natalie demands. Yelling, now: “To be the leader. Did you know, about the fire?”

“No. How could I?”

“Well, you seem to know everything else! Everything except the things that matter! Like how to get out of here! You haven’t magicked a radio or a helicopter, but you sure have had fun making yourself the centre of attention!”

“A radio wouldn’t have signal,” Lottie says, which may or may not be true. “I wasn’t trying to be the centre of attention. And that’s not why I chose you.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Natalie,” Lottie says, loud. “I was trying to save you.”

Incredulous: “‘Save me’? Well, Jesus, sorry to have doubted you. Please, keep saving everyone from their inevitable doom.”

“Natalie,” Lottie tries again, stepping forward. Nat keeps darting back, forth. Skittish, agitated. “They’re going to do it again. You know it, I know it. The cards, the hunt, it’s going to happen again.”

“Not if I have a say in it.”

“You don’t. That’s not what a herd is, the leader can’t – I didn’t even have a say in it! You guys did it without me!”

Natalie grins, nasty. “Misty said you were happy with it.”

Lottie doesn’t refute this, because that wouldn’t help. Instead: “It’s going to happen again. And who the wilderness chooses is who it chooses. But if I hadn’t chosen you as queen, they would’ve chosen you to die.”

“Bullshit.”

“You already drew the queen. Somebody would’ve said that it should be you, because you were already chosen! But now, because you’re in charge, no one will suggest that. You’ll have to draw the way we’ll all have to draw, but it’ll be an even playing field! You’ll have an equal chance.”

Is it even worth pointing out that Nat is still mocking? “I thought the wilderness chose me as queen.”

“It did. That ice cracked for a reason.”

“It didn’t. None of this happened for a reason. It just happened, Lottie! Things happen and they don’t mean anything! All they mean is that we’re fucked.”

Natalie stalks off.

“Nat,” Lottie calls, exhausted. When Nat runs, Lottie runs after her.

Natalie looks like prey every time she glances back, like Lottie is going to do something awful to her. That hurts, because Lottie understands Nat has been chased to be eaten but not by her. She was the only one who didn’t, excepting Travis.

Natalie, either through intention or though guidance, leads them to the bottom of the drop, which Lottie knows hides the remains of the shack. This leaves Nat with nowhere to go, unless she wants to climb that snowy side-path and face said shack. Obviously she doesn’t.

“I can’t feel It anymore,” Lottie tells Nat. “But you can, can’t you? You can feel It. I’m jealous. Can you show me? Show me how you’ve been making your decisions, I want to know what It sounds like to you.”

“It’s all just coincidence, Lottie,” Nat spits, stumbling backwards. “There’s nothing here to – fuck!”

Here Nat completely ploughs it. For a moment Lottie thinks that the Wilderness has bowled Nat over. Maybe a bird was about to attack her head or something.

“What the fuck,” Nat gasps, reaching beneath her to see what caused her fall. Whatever it was snapped off when she did, and Nat frowns for a moment before her face goes pale and she drops it. “Oh my god. Jesus fuck. Fuck!”

“What is it?” Lottie asks.

“Fffffffucking fingers,” Nat stammers. It’s unclear if she’s cold or freaked out. “Krystal. It has to be.”

Lottie kneels beside the trip spot, digging with her fingers. It stings, but not as much as finding the top of the rest of the fingers, that surely must connect to a hand, that must connect to a wrist, to an arm and a shoulder and a whole body, frozen and preserved all this time, waiting for them.

“It must be thawing,” Nat says. She’s on her feet now, though Lottie didn’t notice her stand. “Brought her closer to the surface. I looked here.” She glances up. “She must’ve fallen.”

“Or she got trapped down here. It might not have let her climb.” Lottie lays both palms on the cold cold snow. “Thank you for preserving Krystal, and thank you for sending her to us.”

“Are you fucking kidding?”

Lottie always closes her eyes for prayers, but this makes her open them. “Nat. You found her after all this time, when we’re not even sleeping here. You ran here because you were guided.”

“I ran here to get away from your bullshit.” Nat runs her hands through her hair, right where the colour divides. “We need to get her out. Take her back to the camp.”

Unearthing the body reveals the angle of display; Krystal did fall.

“Looks like I was right,” Natalie says. “And not you.”

“Doesn’t surprise me,” Lottie tells her. “You’re the one who can feel It. Not me.”

They take her back together. Lottie volunteers to carry the burden alone, but finds herself too weak. She’s still shaky from the attack, and from the cold, and from never being that strong arm-wise, anyway. Nat’s had months of hunting to build her own up.  

Everyone gathers outside, welcoming Krystal back. It is amazing that she is still preserved, and has survived alone. There is plenty of meat to eat. It’s perfect timing.

Mari, Melissa and Gen are whispering to each other, and looking at Misty. It is decided that, since Krystal’s body is older, they should get through her before they get through coach.

“Thank god we found her,” Melissa says, smiling with skin in her mouth.

--

“He used to think of you while we fucked,” Nat grinds out. “He still does, sometimes. Did he tell you that?”

“Yes,” Lottie admitted.

“And did you?”

Lottie knew. Still… “Did I…?”

“Did you fuck him?”

--

Travis is curled up in the cockpit, and Lottie is trying to motivate him to stand up instead of curling up to die.

“You’re still alive for a reason,” Lottie tells him. “You have a mom to get back to, right? And you have Natalie. She needs you.”

“…It’s not Natalie in my dreams,” Travis says. He looks at her, and the wilderness is in his eyes. “I keep seeing you.”

Lottie thinks that this means he has a connection to the wilderness, too, and she pulls his head to her chest. Travis stays there for a while, and then his head shifts up, and their lips meet.

So this is Lottie’s first kiss. Travis pulls away, awkward, dropping Nat’s name. Lottie takes his face in her hands.

“Is this what you need?” she asks. Travis stares.

“Yeah,” he says.

“Then let me take the lead,” Lottie says. Travis nods. His eyes close, head back. A burden lifted.

--

Lottie swallowed.

“It was what he needed,” Lottie said. Nat scoffed out a laugh, face twisted. “He was in pain, he needed relief -”

Nothing can ever compare to being beat up by Shauna Shipman, but getting socked in the face by Natalie Scatorccio was certainly close. It wasn’t the first time Nat had wanted to hit Lottie, or even the first time she’d come at her, but it was the first time it had been such a success.

“I fucking knew it,” Nat hissed. “I knew it, you little – did you want him the whole time? Is that why you did all of it?”

“No,” Lottie said, reaching for Nat’s arms, getting pushed away, “no, Nat, listen, it wasn’t like that -”

“Bullshit! Where?” Nat spat. “I wanna know when, I wanna know where, I wanna know how many times -”

“It was just once!”

“Where?”

“In the plane. We didn’t plan it, it was for his sanity. And the huts would’ve been too dirty.”

“Guess that’s why they call it a cockpit,” Nat said. She seemed suddenly resigned. Lottie breathed a laugh. “Fuck. I’m not even surprised. Anyway, Jackie got there before both of us. So.”

“Jackie got everywhere before me,” Lottie admitted. “She made the headshot before Dad said he’d arrange the plane. She was the captain before anyone followed me as leader.”

“Yeah, until you pushed that bullshit onto me.”

“How could it be bullshit? You wanted it.”

Nat didn’t have much to say to that, possibly because her jaw was so square, so Lottie continued:

“I never wanted Travis. It wasn’t about romance, or even ‘making love’, it was just – what he needed.”

“Oh, okay. Sure. It was martyrdom and you would’ve done it for anybody. So if I said to you that having sex with you is what I needed, you’d do that?”

“If that’s what you needed,” Lottie said. 

Her gaze was imploring. Nat stopped.

“You wouldn’t,” Nat snapped. Scowl, frown, a little walking stereotype of a rebel. It was so exaggerated Lottie couldn’t take her seriously. “You’re just saying that so I’ll think you weren’t trying to take him the whole time.”

“You think I did all that for him?”

“I don’t know what to think, Lottie! But I don’t think you did any of it for me!”

“You’re wrong,” Lottie told her. “It’s been so long, you’ve forgotten. I’ve never forgotten. We need to share our experiences. It could really help us both.”

--

“You should get a bigger share,” Akilah says to Natalie. “Since you’re leading us.”

“No,” Shauna says instantly, standing up. “No, that’s not fair. She’s still one of us.”

Natalie smiles uncomfortably. “Yeah, I couldn’t take more.”

The conversation ends there, for most. But Mari leans over to whisper in Lottie’s ear. “You’re having troubles, right? Hearing It? Maybe you should take more.”

“No, that won’t help,” Lottie tells her. And it’s true. She refuses to take more than her share.

She watches the campfire burn.

She can’t hear It, she can’t hear It, she can’t hear It.

She’s getting desperate.