It was never easy to sleep in that wretched cabin. Gaunt bodies flush against cold damp floorboards; privacy a long gone concept. Even with everyone asleep, you could still feel today’s tension lingering in the air. You could smell the rot, the undoing of humanity. This was the hardest day yet. I didn’t think anything could be worse than the night we ate Jackie. I continue to be proven wrong. I already saw Jackie in my dreams, teasing me, cursing all of us. Gorgeous red cheeks and sparkling eyes, cruel but justified in her judgements. Despite my pleading, I don’t think she’ll ever forgive us.
Then there’s Javi… I couldn’t bear to think of him; not even for a second. I could feel my throat ache. I can still see him there: limbs reaching, eyes searching. Those little gloves I put on his little hands; grasping at air, catching nothing. He searched for my help, reached for me… I tried to think of anything else.
Pine, birch bark, anything. It had been so long since I felt any normalcy. It took awhile to think of things I once knew so well. Soccer practice, In Utero on vinyl, decent booze, my old home, my old friends, my old life. My shitty mom, our shitty trailer, the shitty weed I'd buy after school. That life now felt so far away. Untouchable, yet it was comforting to dream.
I flipped over, searching for a more comfortable position (as if such a thing existed). Gazing up from the dusty heaps of bodies, I saw Lottie. Delicately perched by the window, like an owl stalking prey. Her face lit equal parts by candlelight, and beaming full moon. It wasn’t unusual to see her up around this time. She always wandered, doing who knows what. Casting spells? I’m sure she believes she’s doing something meaningful. Sure, maybe in her dreams she’s the queen of dirt or whatever. She gazed out into the wilderness. Her sightline daggers into the unknown; as if she could see for miles through the darkness. Almost as if she waited for something to approach her.
I was pretty good at reading people. Some would call me a realist, many would say a pessimist. I would say I’m the only person with an ounce of sanity left, and it’s dwindling each day. Misty: crazy, clinically. Tai and van had their own fucked up thing going on. Travis: messed up to begin with. Watching his dad die? eating his brother’s heart? It was almost comically tragic. Shakespeare couldn’t write that shit. Shauna? Poor, poor Shauna. I saw her cradling that husk of a baby, and yet I still couldn’t truly believe that type of pain existed. Whatever is left of her soul is a terrifying mixbreed of blood-thirst and loss. Point blank: they all tried to kill me today. They almost chopped me up like an animal and ate my dead body. Blood, bone, fat, tissue. Chewed and swallowed, in praise. Jesus Christ could only dream of being consumed like a Yellowjacket. Everyone was prepared to slaughter me… Everyone, except Lottie. Misty said Lottie gave the orders, but I’ll be damned if I believe a word out of that psycho's mouth.
Lottie was a marvel. Just when I’d think I understood her, she’d reveal a whole new layer. I’ve never met anyone like her. So irrational, yet so wise. At first I thought her wildness shit was stupid, but harmless. Yet everyone slowly fell for her spell. Giving her so much… power. Who they fuck takes a beating from someone the way she took it from Shauna? I guess it made sense why everyone loved her so deeply. She has a way with people, apparently. In my own way, I saw something powerful in her too.
Yanking my blanket up, I was met by two brown eyes staring straight through me.
“Natalie” Lottie said softly from across the room. Though, it could’ve sworn I had just felt her breath on my neck.
I sat up cautiously. She gestured for me to come closer. I followed suit. I sat down on the dirt soaked rocking chair beside her. She just.. looked at me. Her face could tell stories, man. What I would give to read her thoughts. Why me? Why did she choose me as a leader? I had some theories.
“Long day, huh?” Lottie said gently, letting out a sigh.
“Yeah.” I exhaled.
“I’m sorry about how things went down.” She whispered sincerely. She was always sincere.
“Which part?” I chuckled.
It wasn’t actually funny. It was all just so absurd. Is there a proper way to react to all of this? Humans aren’t designed for these kinds of situations.
“If i knew about what they were planning, I would’ve tried to stop it.” She said. Her furrowed brows told a story of guilt.
“I know.” I sighed.
I knew if she could take everyone’s pain away, she would. Even if her methods were annoying, and cultish, It was obvious how much she cared about everyone. In another life, she’d make a great therapist, I'm sure.
She fidgeted with her hands in her lap.
“Nat, you know why I chose you, right?”
I shrugged. I was dying to hear her reasoning, but kept it cool. She may not be rational, but she did have a way with people. She could see something in each of us, something true and deep. The problem is knowing what to do with that truth. Take it as gospel and run with it? Or remember that she is just a girl, same as all of us. Just some girl.
“I thought the wilderness chose me.” I reply smugly.
The corner of her lips lift a bit.
“It did. It knows you’re the most valuable person here.”
My lips pressed together. That’s it?
“I guess. I mean, Travis is a good hunter too.” I scoffed.
Lottie rolled her dark eyes playfully. She always could surprise me. I never got to see a playful side of her, and yet…
“You know that’s not what I mean. They all listen to me. Everyone thinks I’m this… untouchable thing. I know you hate me for that”
“I don’t hate you, Lottie.”
It made sense she thought that, but it still hurt to hear. What I felt for her couldn’t be so easily defined.
Her lips curled up a bit. Her eyes sharpened.
“I’m going to level with you, Nat. I never asked for any of this; to be put on this pedestal. I don’t think I'm more deserving of life than anyone else here. If I could’ve traded places with you… with Javi-”
“Don’t.” I cut her off. I know where that kind of thinking leads.
“You think our beliefs are at odds with each other. I disagree. Faith and logic can coexist. Actually, I’m not sure either could exist without the other. We need faith, now more than ever, but… Javi..”
“I don’t want to talk about Javi!” I said sternly. I could feel it in my throat again. I wouldn’t cry, not now, not until I have answers.
“I’m sorry.” Lottie whispered, sinking into herself.
“-It’s just..” she murmured shyly.
“We’re all just so…fragile. Things are happening too fast and I'm.. I’m really scared.” She paused, anxiously picking at her bloody fingernails. “We’re all scared; but you.. You’re so brave.”
I shook my head in disbelief.
“You didn’t see me out there earlier. I was scared shitless.”
She looked deep into me.
“I see you, Nat.”
My heart started racing. Why was I nervous? It was just Lottie. The same Lottie i’ve seen everyday since we got here. Her silk eyes held something so genuine. It was hard to believe her weird spirit stuff, but this.. I believed in her. She continued:
“I see how hard you fought for all of us, how much strength you’ve spent on us. Only for us to go ahead and try to kill you. We need you… I-”
She looked down, suddenly bashful.
“I need you, Natalie.” She spit out, as if she would explode if it didn’t come out.
I felt heat rush to my cheeks. What was this feeling? So much fucked shit happened today, and yet my heart beats as strong now as it did during the hunt. Her voice, her security.. Her. This type of vulnerability was foreign and itchy. Did I actually trust Lottie?
I just looked at her in awe. She kept blinking back. Her face was peaceful yet curious. Was she trying to read me too? I could swear she was glowing in the moonlight. Softly beaming, a candle on a mantle. Did the moon see through the frostbitten glass, and bless her with its wisdom? Was this what everyone has been seeing all along? This… this.. blinding light. This insane, beautiful girl.
“You hunt for us, you fight for us. You try. That’s worth a lot. Of course we should be following you. Crystal, our baby, Javi.. oh, sorry..”
She could see the pain welling in my eyes.
“..it’s getting bloody. I don’t want to lose any more of us, but..”
Her eyes drifted into the unknown.
“..I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.”
Her words of sincerity put her actions in a new context. I had no idea she held such respect for me. She might be the only one left who does.
My bruised hand trembled as it reached for hers. We’d done this before, in the tub. That terrible day when we lost the white moose. The day we almost lost Lottie. After today, why did this small action feel like bravery? She accepted my hand, and I guided it to my chest, wrapped in layers of fabric and dirt. Mimicking Travis from earlier, I needed her to feel my heartbeat. Her fingertips curled over my sweater. She just kept staring at me with those stupid bambi eyes. We breathed together, just for a moment, and everything felt almost okay.
“I know I gave you a lot of shit, but I need you too.” I said, my eyes raw and glassy.
'Don’t cry' I thought to myself '-not about this'.
Lottie clutched my hand tighter. Her other hand trembled as it made it’s way to the back my head. She gently caressed my hair. I swear I saw a tiny smile appear on her face. Something inside of me meekly made its way out. Perhaps it was my inner child I once presumed dead. I laid my head down into her lap, as if she was my caretaker. I gave myself to her, in a way I'd never done before.
And there I lay, for a moment, or an eternity. The comfort of the senseless finally starting to make sense.
Eventually, I rose up. looking up at her in all her glory, hands still intertwined. She looked at me with a shy smile. something painful still lurking beneath, but she put on a brave face for me.
“You should try to get some sleep.” She said softly, squeezing my hand gently.
I looked around, suddenly shy. Why would it matter if anyone had seen this? I couldn’t place why I felt so embarrassed. Everyone still slept, limbs tangled over one another, ratty blankets and fur covering all. I wanted to stay up with Lottie. I could listen to her talk for hours; now that I knew she had something real to say. Maybe it was a good idea to save some courage for tomorrow. Tomorrow would be the start of my reign as leader. Who knows what that would look like. Maybe Lottie's endorsement meant something more than I previously thought.
“Okay.” I breathed. She still gripped both of my hands, I had to carefully remove them from her grasp.
I stood up quietly, beginning to tiptoe back to my “bed”. I turned back to look at her.
“You’re not going to sleep?” I asked her.
“I think I'm gonna keep watch for a bit. I have a bad feeling.” She responded.
“C’mere” I said, offering my hand to her. She hesitatantly follows my footsteps to meet me again. I took her in for an embrace, which she accepted. I held her like I'd never let her go.
“Come keep me warm.” I stated, knowing she couldn't resist that offering, after getting a taste of our collective heat.
Lottie bit her cracked lips, looking behind her shoulder one more time. She sighed, and followed me back to my usual spot on the floor. We crouched down, backs flush against the wood. With my trembling arm, I pulled her in close. The moon’s glow lingered in on her cheeks. She curled into me, my chin landed onto the top of her matted hair.
“Aren’t I too tall to be the little spoon?” She asked.
I laughed, almost a full laugh. Maybe the closet I’d gotten to a joy since… Who knows when? Lottie laughed at my laughter. It was cute.
I tightened my grip on my tall girl, and pulled her closer into my chest. Her warmth was palpable. My eyes fluttered shut, melting into her heat. For the first time, atop the splintered wood, I finally had a deep, warm night’s sleep.