Biosyn Valley was kind of like being back on Isla Nublar, all things considered. Only somehow with more tension.
They had the forest filled with potentially killer dinosaurs. The far from ideal sleeping conditions. The inability to even build a fire out in the open because of course these stupid lizards were attracted to light.
But on Nublar, they had been a largely united front. A group of best friends with unbreakable bonds. A bunch of kids who worried more about confessing to their crushes than real, adult relationships and the problems that could come with them. Young couples who looked at each other with stars in their eyes. Now, Sammy and Kenji hardly looked Yaz or Brooklynn's way at all.
It tore Yaz up inside to be so close to Sammy and not be able to talk to her, or touch her, or even make eye contact without some weird, bad feeling settling over them both. She couldn't stand it, frankly. If she had to deal with this any longer, she was actually going to go insane.
She managed to wait until the rest of the group had gone to sleep, exhausted from their travels and wanting a few hours of rest before they continued their search for Bumpy. Without the luxury of a shelter like they'd had on Nublar, they assigned watches to ensure nothing snuck up on them in the dark. Sammy volunteered for first, and Yaz saw her opportunity.
Maybe thirty minutes in, ample time for everyone to fall asleep in their messy beds of leaves and grass, Yaz sat up. She didn't know whether it was too optimistic to take it as a good sign that Sammy had settled in for her watch nearby rather than putting as much distance between them as she reasonably could. She was completely across the group from Brooklynn, but the next person over from Yaz. Maybe she was hoping to talk too?
In any case, Yaz slowly stood up and walked over to her, intent on sitting down beside her, but Sammy managed to stop her with only a glance in her direction.
"Why aren't you sleeping?" she asked flatly. No hint of anger, but no hint of anything else either.
"Can we talk?" Yaz replied hopefully. Sammy turned away from her with a harsh sigh, and Yaz had never felt so small in her life.
"Yaz, I don't want to fight with you," she said. "You were right about Brooklynn, big whoop. She still hurt us, and I'm still mad at her. I'm glad she's okay, but just because she apologized doesn't mean I'm gonna run right back to being her friend after everything."
"It's not about Brooklynn." It never really had been, between the two of them. And maybe if Yaz had realized that sooner, she could have saved them both a lot of heartache.
"What, then?" Sammy almost looked back at her, but seemed to stop herself at the last second.
Yaz took a slow, deep breath, then launched into what she'd been wanting to say since talking this out with Ben on the trip to Malta.
"I'm sorry, Sammy. I'm sorry for how I acted at Gia's house and for not taking the time to really try to understand how you were feeling. You have a right to be upset with Brooklynn, and I shouldn't have acted like you didn't. I was worried about her, but I got so wrapped up in it that I trivialized your emotions. I never meant to do that to you, and I'm so sorry that I did."
Sammy was silent for a few moments, her expression hard and strained. Then, it softened just slightly, and she patted the spot beside her. Yaz readily sat down, eager to be as close as Sammy would allow.
"It's not the first time, y'know," she murmured. "I wish I hadn't brought up Wyoming the way I did, but have you ever thought about what that was like for me? To have my partner, the only person still consistently in my life, just pack up and move away and barely talk to me? To call you every day and have you answer maybe once a week? Or two weeks? To send you dozens of texts about my day, asking about yours, trying to connect with you, and to get nothing but a thumbs up? It was like you just stopped thinking about me altogether. And I really tried to understand, because I knew what you were going through, but then you couldn't even extend the same courtesy when we were arguing. I give you space, I give you time, I do everything I can to be there for you because I love you. But when I need your support, you say I'm being ridiculous and call me a coward. You prioritize what you want to do over what I need like you don't even care."
These were all things that Yaz knew, in concept, had been harmful to their relationship, but to have it all laid out so plainly was like a knife to the chest. Sammy thought she didn't care. She had sabotaged her own relationship by being inconsiderate and oblivious. It was a lot to unpack, but it was her responsibility to do this and show Sammy she understood and wanted to do better. She would just have to start small and work her way up.
"Of course I care," she began. "And I'm so sorry I ever made you feel like I didn't. I never should have said what I said. Your relationship with your parents wasn't for me to comment on, and your feelings about Brooklynn are valid even if they're different from mine."
"So why did you say it?" Sammy demanded.
"I was too focused on trying to get you to see my side of things," Yaz replied. "I was afraid that if we didn't go after Brooklynn, something would happen to her and we'd never be able to get her back. I was afraid of everyone being too upset with her to help her. But I let that get the better of me and I lashed out at you. I resorted to arguing and name-calling because I wanted you to understand me when we should've been working to understand each other. It was childish and wrong, and I'm sorry."
Sammy let out a slow sigh and swept a hand across her face. "I get why you had to go after her. I really do. And I know I can get passive-aggressive sometimes, but I was so sick of not being heard."
"I'm sorry I let it get this far," Yaz said softly. "In Wyoming, it's not that I ever stopped thinking of you. It was the opposite."
"You ignored me for the better part of a year because you were thinking of me?" The skepticism in Sammy's voice absolutely killed her.
"Yes," Yaz went on steadily regardless. "When I left, I thought I was removing a problem from your life. We both know I wasn't exactly well, and I hated how worried you were and how much energy you put into taking care of me. I thought things would get easier for you if I left and proved that I could still stand on my own. But getting better wasn't a linear process. I had a lot of setbacks and bad days, and there were a lot of times when I was afraid that if we talked too much, I would say something that would make you think I wasn't getting better."
"It was the not talking that made me think that," Sammy said.
"It was the wrong way for me to handle it," Yaz conceded. "I should've been honest with you about everything. About feeling like your protectiveness was counterproductive, about wanting to be independent. I was just worried you wouldn't understand and it would hurt you. And then I just ended up hurting you anyway."
Sammy pursed her lips, her eyes planted firmly on the ground between her feet. Her hand twitched, almost as if to reach out and grasp Yaz's, but ultimately stayed where it was.
"Sammy," Yaz said gently, "I never wanted to hurt you, and I'm so, so sorry that I did. I'm sorry that I made you feel like... this was our only option. It doesn't have to be. I want to fix this. I want to do better for you."
Sammy's breath hitched, and suddenly she buried her face in her hands. The tiny sob that escaped her shattered Yaz's heart into millions of pieces, and not knowing if hugging her would help or hurt just about ground it to dust.
"This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do," Sammy whimpered, "because I still love you. Of course I still love you. And for five years, we were good. You were there, and I felt like you wanted that as much as I did. But ever since you stopped letting me in, it feels like you've been getting further and further away from me. I can't keep chasing you, Yaz."
"You don't have to." Yaz took a risk and reached for her hand, relieved that Sammy let her take it gently. "I'm coming to you. I'm here, and if you want me, I'm yours. I love you more than anything, Sammy. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure you never have to doubt that again. Whatever you need."
"I need to know that you mean it." Through the tears, Sammy managed to fix her with a stern gaze. "When I tell you how I feel, I need you to actually listen. I need you to take me seriously even if you don't agree. And I need you to be the one to reach out to me every once in a while."
Yaz leaned in a little closer. "I promise to do my best to be better. To be the partner you need."
Slowly, Sammy leaned in too until their heads were touching. It made Yaz feel a little lighter to be close again.
"Okay. But I mean it, Yaz," she said. "I know fixing things takes time, and I'm willing to work with you, but I need you to work with me too."
"As a team," Yaz replied softly. "Like we should be."
"Yeah." Sammy pressed herself a little closer still. "So, teammate, here's what I need from you right now. Don't try to tell me I should forgive Brooklynn. If you want to, that's your choice, but I need to make up my own mind about it. Understand?"
"Loud and clear."
"Good." After another few seconds, Sammy pulled away. "Thank you."
"Of course," Yaz murmured. She wanted to ask directly if they were okay now, to confirm what she hoped she was hearing, but she didn't want to push it too quickly and risk the progress they were making. Fortunately, Sammy always seemed to know what she was thinking.
"I don't think I was ever going to not forgive you," she said gently. "I never wanted to split up. I just didn't know how else to make you see how much all this was affecting me."
"It was definitely a wakeup call," Yaz replied. "Even managed to get through my thick skull."
Sammy stifled a small laugh with her hand, and Yaz found it in her to smile.
"I'm sorry it took going to that extreme to make me understand," she went on.
"Honestly, you should get your money back for those psychology classes. They clearly didn't teach you anything about how to deal with people's feelings." It would've been a jab, one that would've genuinely terrified Yaz in the context of the conversation, if not for Sammy's light, joking tone. Thank God they could joke with each other again. "Granted, I could be more upfront sometimes. Not like I ever really tried to tell you how upset I was while you were gone."
"But you were upfront in Italy, and I was a jerk," Yaz said. "I didn't mean to be, but I was."
"Little bit," Sammy agreed. "I'll forgive you this time, but I don't ever wanna hear anything like that again, Missy."
It didn't even need saying. Yaz had been way out of line, and she knew it. She also knew what was at stake if she continued to let bad situations get the better of her and dictate her behavior. It could never happen again. Sammy was too important.
"Never again."
"And the thumbs up emoji is banned from now on," Sammy declared. "When I text you, I better see words."
"Words and hearts," Yaz conceded.
"Damn right." Sammy gave her a little nudge in the side. "Now how about you get some sleep? You've got second watch in an hour, and I'm not letting you sleep in just because you're my girlfriend."
That was, quite literally, the best thing Sammy could have possibly said to her.
"Okay." She stood slowly, reluctant to part, but knowing they would be close again soon. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Yaz."
Yaz walked back over to the pile of leaves that would have to do for bedding tonight and laid down. It was cold and extremely uncomfortable, but she couldn't help feeling a little giddy anyway. Maybe the environment was less than ideal, and maybe she was still in danger, and maybe she was even still on thin ice with Sammy, but she found it difficult to worry too much about all that right now.
They'd managed a real conversation. They'd come to an understanding. They were going to try again. Yaz hadn't lost everything after all.
She had her girl back, and despite everything else going on, that was all that mattered tonight.