Sometimes, Remus liked to pretend that nothing else existed. It was only him and his Padfoot in this bed. Nothing waited for them beyond the room that they shared. The tired half-smile that Padfoot gave him was only because he was sleepy, and would be restored to his full on Sirius Black Grin in the morning. The look in his eyes was love and contentment, not… not whatever it had been lately. There wasn’t a war going on. There never had been.
If he really got into the fantasy, the moon was only a beautiful beacon of light that poured in through the openings of the curtains. It illuminated the room in dull white streaks that cascaded over Sirius. Beautiful Sirius, whose bright eyes were the only silver that meant anything to Remus.
He reached out to cup Sirius’s face, desperate to have his beacon of light in this dark, dark world. And Sirius flinched.
Sirius flinched.
Remus let his hand fall back to his side as Sirius looked away, avoiding his eyes.
Sometimes, Remus liked to pretend that he still had his Padfoot. He knew deep down that it was over. Fighting wasn’t out of the ordinary for them, but it had never been like this. Constant arguing, avoiding each other, half-hearted, angry sex once or twice a week. Remus didn’t know what happened to them. He’d foolishly thought that even if there was a war outside, they could still have solace in each other. He’d always have gentle touches, sarcastic remarks, and loving smiles that had comforted him for so long.
Perhaps he’d gotten his hopes too high. Things had a way of never working out how Remus wanted them to. Maybe he should’ve known that nothing good lasts. What goes up must come down, right? But gravity used to pull them together instead of apart, and that was what had him stuck. What changed? Was it something he did? He knew he hadn’t been around as much lately, but no one really had been. He thought Sirius would understand.
Maybe it wasn’t about him at all. Maybe there was never anything he could’ve done to keep Sirius in his grasp. He was right there. Remus could reach out and touch him if he wanted to, but he’d only flinch away again.
It was over. Remus knew that–but he couldn’t even think about letting go. Sirius was his only stability. Even if they were never the same again, Remus needed to have Sirius there. He knew it was selfish, but he couldn’t help it. Sirius had been his only glimpse of peace, his only sliver of hope, for the past several years. He’d never thought that anyone could love him until Sirius did. He never thought he’d experience anything like this until he experienced it with Sirius.
Sirius was easy to fall in love with. He was charming, compassionate, smart, and so beautiful. The best thing about him was that his beauty seeped beneath his skin, infecting his very soul in the best way possible. Remus never deserved Sirius. He never deserved to be loved like that, to be looked at like that, to be touched like that. Sirius should have–and very well could have–found someone more like himself. Someone funnier, nicer, and far better looking. Maybe he would, when this war ended. If it ever did. Maybe he just didn’t have the energy to find anyone else, and that’s why he stayed.
It didn’t do any good to ponder such things.
It was easier to simply pretend–to close his eyes and imagine that none of this was real. Nothing except him and Sirius, together in their bed. No matter how far apart they were inside.