Regulus Black was clinically depressed. He knew this. His brother knew this. His boyfriend knew this, and so did everyone in between. It wasn’t exactly a secret. But that didn’t mean he had an easy time accepting it. Sure, he struggled to eat. And sure, we would go days without leaving his bed. Sure, he would stare blankly at the walls for hours on end and feel nothing. And sure, he would grab his wand and reopen the old cuts on his thighs whenever his thoughts got too loud.
But it wasn’t depression. Not to him, at least. Maybe it was the most obvious thing in the world to people on the outside looking in, but he didn’t feel depressed. He just sort of felt nothing.
It wasn’t that he felt good, per se. It was just more of an overwhelming feeling of nothingness. It was the exhaustion that led him to lay in bed all day. This, in turn, made him even more tired. He could feel his body withering away, but he simply didn’t have the energy to do anything about it. He would be angry with himself that he couldn’t even do something as simple as getting up to go to the bathroom. And then the annoyance at himself would pass, and again he would feel complete and utter nothingness. And he hated it. He hated the way the silence felt stiff around him. He hated the way the thoughts seemed to bounce around his head. He hated the constant ticking that played in his head on a loop like a metronome. He wanted it all to stop. All he could ask for was quiet.
So, he turned to the one thing he knew would silence the overwhelming nature of it all. And though it may not have been the healthiest coping mechanism (he honestly never claimed it was), it helped. It didn’t matter that he would be overcome with guilt the second the relief ended. It didn’t matter that it forced him to wear long sleeves and long trousers when it was 80 degrees outside. None of mattered, because even though he knew it was bad, all he wanted was the five seconds of peace watching the blood drain from his body gave him.
He never let it go on for too long. He always healed the wounds before he got too dizzy. He never made them too deep. He never did anything that directly threatened his life – only things that toed that line. And above all, he never let anyone know.
Not his brother, not his friends, not his parents, and certainly not James Potter. Of course, they all knew he was depressed, but they didn’t know the extremity of the situation. They didn’t know about the cutting. They didn’t know about not eating. They didn’t know about the complete and total hatred Regulus Black felt towards himself. He never let them see the ugly side of things. He didn’t let them see him rotting away, slowly but surely killing himself. He would never do it – utter the spell that would end it all. But that didn’t mean that he wasn’t wasting away under the pure misery of it all.
He never let them in, and they never pushed. They never pushed for the fear that it would lead Regulus to the extreme. Lead him to do something he could never undo. They only knew what he told them willingly because being around Regulus Black was like walking on thin ice. He was a magic mirror hanging on the wall, just waiting to be shattered.
So, of course, he lied. He told them he was getting better; he was talking to someone, and he was taking his medicine, and he was happy.
None of this was true.
Not a single word of it. Well, he did have a therapist. And he did have medicine. But that didn’t mean he was talking, and it didn’t mean he was taking the meds. He hated all of it. All of them looking at him like he was so fragile that he could break at any moment. He hated the therapy. It made him feel crazy, and the thing Regulus Black hated most was feeling crazy. But above all, he hated the meds. The way the Lexapro altered the chemicals in his brain. It didn’t make him feel good. It just made him feel more of nothing. He couldn’t cry when he took them. His rare smiles become more forced, as well. They made him feel trapped in his own mind.
So, he stopped taking them.
People make things like medicine seem so serious. Every other ad he saw on the rare occasion that he decided to turn on the telly was all talk about ‘contacting your doctor before stopping any medication.’ Though, in reality, it really wasn’t that big of a deal. He didn’t like it, so he didn’t take it. Simple, really.
And thus, the cycle continued. He would wake up and lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Eventually, someone would come to force him out of bed. He’d eat a few bites of whatever meal Kreacher had made that day. He would go back to his room. He would stare at the ceiling some more. He’d take a scorching hot shower, allowing the water to burn his back and turn his skin a bright shade of pink. He would cut open his thighs and when he became numb to that, he would move onto another part of his body. His arms, his chest, his ankles: whatever seemed appealing that day.
And it went on. And on. And on.
Until one quiet Sunday that would change everything. His mother and father were out on a business trip. Sirius was with his boyfriend, Remus. And Regulus Black was left alone to his own devices. He was content with spending his day as he spent all his others. He was okay with that. Truly, he was. It wasn’t that he liked his life. He didn’t. He really, really didn’t. But it was nothing if not comfortable. He was so used to the overbearing sadness that had taken over his life, that anything else seemed so foreign, he couldn’t even fathom what it would be like to be a normal sixteen-year-old boy. And honestly, anything else seemed exhausting to him.
James Potter had other plans for how Regulus was going to spend his day. James knew his boyfriend was depressed, and it broke his heart. He would never claim to understand it, but that didn’t mean he didn’t wish he could take all the others boys’ pain and cast it upon himself if it meant even a second of peace for Regulus. But realistically, he knew he couldn’t.
Even though he couldn’t snap his fingers and magically make Regulus better, he still wanted to help. He didn’t really know how, considering the fact that the younger boy constantly wanted to be alone these days, but he figured just being there for him couldn’t hurt.
So, it was with that thought in mind, that James Potter found himself on the front steps of 12 Grimmauld Place at 1:00 p.m. on Sunday, 25 June. Regulus’ birthday.
Both boys had gotten out of school exactly five days before, and such, Regulus had no plans for the day. James knew this, of course, and he wanted to surprise his boyfriend with something special. He didn’t want to overwhelm him (James knew Regulus wasn’t a fan of parties), so he figured the two could just spend the day together. He had picked up a cake from a nearby bakery on his way over and he had picked out a few gifts for Regulus over the past few days, as well.
He honestly just wanted to make Regulus happy, but he was worried the other boy wouldn’t enjoy the whole thing. Regulus wasn’t a fan of birthdays, but James hoped he could change things and help take some of his pain away, even if it was only for a few hours.
He knocked on the door and waited. At first, he heard nothing, and he was a little scared Regulus wasn’t even home. But then there was a crash from inside that sounded suspiciously like someone falling out of bed and he heard voices. The next thing he knew, Kreacher was opening the door and letting him in.
Regulus’ head was spinning from standing up too fast, and he stumbled onto the floor. One minute he had been half asleep laying comfortably in bed, somewhere between sleep and conciseness where he could forget all his problems. The next Kreacher was grabbing his arm and pulling him out of bed shouting about how Regulus had a guest. He was surprised to hear this. Regulus wasn’t exactly the most popular boy considering the fact that he was rude to almost everyone he came into contact with. There were, of course, exceptions (namely James Potter, Barty Crouch Jr., and Evan Rosier), but Regulus wasn’t expecting any of them to show up at his front door.
That being said, he supposed there was nothing he could do about it now, so he told Kreacher to open the door and let whoever it was in while he took a quick shower. He was all too aware of the fact that he didn’t have much time before his visitor started getting antsy, so he skipped out on his normal shower routine and just quickly rinsed off the sweat from the nightmare he had had the previous night.
After his shower, he brushed his teeth and combed his far too long hair for what he was ashamed to admit was the first time he had done so since being home from Hogwarts. Regulus was always depressed, even Hogwarts didn’t change that. But the school did manage to make basic hygiene much easier for Regulus for some reason.
When he was finished, he pulled on some dark brown corduroy slacks and a tan oxford, leaving the top three buttons undone. He watched himself dress in the mirror and was disgusted at the boy he saw looking back at him. He was far too skinny; his eyes sunk in, and his cheekbones stuck out far more than a healthy person’s would. But there wasn’t much he could do about it, so he simply chose to ignore it. He would come back to it at a later time when he didn’t have someone waiting on him. Regulus may have been depressed, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have manors.
When he finally exited the comfort of his own room, he was hit with the cold and eerily still air that constantly filled 12 Grimmauld Place. It sent a shiver up his spine.
At first, he didn’t see anyone. It wasn’t until he made his way to the library that he saw the boy and his heart instantly lit up. There James Potter was, sitting on the sofa in the library, a book propped open, looking beautiful as ever. Regulus could stare at the older boy for days and never get bored of his face. The way his glasses frame his eyes perfectly, and how his nose looked from the side. The curve of his lips, and the way his face was sharp where it should be and soft where it should be. The rosy tint of his cheeks and the milk chocolate color of his skin and the way his deep brown eyes shined when he talked about something he loved. Everything about him took Regulus’ breath away.
He cleared his throat causing James to look up. A smile instantly formed on his face, and Regulus couldn’t help an identical one from finding its spot on his. James always made him feel better. He made his smile more genuine, his nightmares less scary, and his heart fuller. Full of nothing but love for the boy in front of him. The two had never said it before. Love. But that didn’t mean they didn’t feel it. Merlin, did they feel it. Sometimes, Regulus felt like his heart was going to explode from his chest due to the sheer amount of love he held for the other boy. James was the light in his life. He was the sun after rain. The flowers after a long winter. The gold at the end of the rainbow. He made Regulus feel in a way no one ever had before.
“Reg!” James practically shouted jumping off the couch and embracing him in a tight hug. It had been less than a week since they had seen each other, but it was the longest five days James had ever had to endure. He pulled out of the hug enough just to place his hands on Regulus’ face. He looked into his stormy, gray eyes, trying to figure out what was going through his mind.
“Hi,” he said with a small smile on his lips. He said it in the soft, vulnerable voice he reserved for James only. “Hi.” He repeated, staring deeply into the brown eyes across from him. He looked at the boy he loved, and he felt like his heart swelled to three times its normal size.
James felt his smile grow as he looked at his boyfriend. He didn’t look good. He was skinnier than he had been five days ago. His face more sunken, and his eyes stormier. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t beautiful. James didn’t think he could ever see Regulus as anything but beautiful. He had always felt as if Regulus had hung all the stars in the sky and James was left admiring his work. Regulus was his star. He slowly leaned in and placed a kiss on the other boys’ lips. The second their lips met, he felt the spark that never failed to amaze him. No matter how many times they kissed, the love never died.
Regulus was the first to break the kiss. He pulled his wonderful boyfriend into a hug and rested his head on his shoulder. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent that was just so completely
James. “Buon compleanno, mia stella,” he whispered in the other boy’s ear.
This caused Regulus’ smile to widen. He loved when James spoke Italian to him. It made him blush and cause the butterflies in his stomach to go wild. “What does that mean?” he whispered quietly.
“Happy birthday, my star,” James whispered back through a smile.
Regulus felt the butterflies explode in his stomach, and he pulled his boyfriend into another kiss. “Merci mon Coeur,” he spoke into James’ lips.
“Meaning?”
“Thank you, my heart.”
James smiled. “I got you something,” he said motioning to the gifts sitting on the sofa he had previously been occupying.
“Oh?”
“Yep. You wanna open them? Then we can have cake and then we can do whatever your pretty heart desires.”
“Sure, darling. You know you didn’t have to do all this.”
“I know, amore. I wanted to.” He spoke softly to Regulus. He never wanted to overwhelm him or scare him away. Regulus was gentle. He was fragile. James knew Regulus hated feeling that way, but James thought he was wonderful just how he was.
So, the two boys spent the day together. James felt nothing but love for the boy in front of him, and Regulus felt as though his heart was expanding every time he looked at James.
Regulus opened his gifts, they ate cake, they watched some telly. It was perfect. Regulus was happy. And James was happy Regulus was happy.
They were upstairs in Regulus’ room playing gobstones. They were on their fourth round, and James had beat Regulus every time, but that didn’t matter. What mattered was that they were here. And they were together. And they were happy. Even if it wouldn’t last, and Regulus would be left feeling even more empty than before when James left, it didn’t matter, because in that moment he was happy.
They finished the round they had been playing and James moved closer to Regulus. He leaned in and placed a slow kiss on his lips. It wasn’t hungry or passionate. It was deep and romantic and full of pure love. They stayed like that for a few minutes until Regulus deepened the kiss. He longed to feel James hands on his body, tracing every imperfection. James made him feel beautiful when nothing else could.
They stood up from the ground without breaking the kiss and moved to the bed. Regulus had been the one leading the movement, but when they reached the bed James pushed the other boy under him. They stayed like that for a minute. Kissing each other passionately. Regulus thought it was the best feeling in the world: being kissed by James. It made him forget all his problems. The only thing in his head was utter amazement of the boy beside him.
James broke the kiss and moved on to trailing kisses down Regulus’ face and neck. He kissed all over his jaw and the top of his neck that wasn’t covered by his shirt before he returned to kissing his lips. Without detaching their lips, Regulus undid the buttons of James shirt and James sat up, just long enough to shrug the shirt off his shoulders, before returning his hands to beside Regulus to hold himself up and continuing the kiss.
The next thing Regulus knew, James was looking up at him for permission to remove his shirt. Without thinking he gave a quick nod before melting back into the other boy. James looked into Regulus’ piercing gray eyes as the undid the buttons, so it wasn’t until he looked down at his chest that he saw it.
The bright red skin surrounding the deep slices in the skin that were obviously self-inflicted. The scratches that trailed up his arms. The blisters on his collar bones that looked suspiciously like burns. He let out a quiet gasp before looking back into the eyes of the boy beneath him.
James knew it was bad. He knew he had been slipping farther and farther into this state of depression for months. But he didn’t know it was this bad. And it broke his heart. It broke his heart for a million reasons. He blamed himself. How could he be so stupid? How could be not notice? Why didn’t Regulus trust him enough to tell him? It was all his fault.
He felt the hot tears on his cheek before he even realized they were coming. He rolled off Regulus and pulled him into a hug. What else was one supposed to do when they find out their boyfriend had been hurting himself for Merlin knows how long?
Regulus was shocked. How could he be so stupid? How could be let James see? James was never supposed to see. Even though Regulus knew it was illogical, he was more worried about James right now than himself. Because he was fine. Regulus would always be fine. But he knew something like this would completely break James. He would blame himself. And Regulus never wanted James to blame himself for anything.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered into the silence. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. It’s not your fault, okay? I promise, it’s not. You make my life so much better. I couldn’t do it without you, okay James? So please, please, don’t blame yourself.”
James looked into Regulus’ eyes. He knew he was telling the truth. But that didn’t make him feel any less shitty. And now he was crying when he knew Regulus was the one in pain. It wasn’t fair to him, so he pulled himself together. He took a deep breathe. “Regulus-” he started before he was cut off.
“I know, okay? I know. It’s not healthy. But I just,” he took a deep breath. “I just don’t know what to do.” His voices broke on the last word, and he had to look away from James’ eyes.
“It’s okay, Reg. I promise, it’s okay. I’m not mad at you,” he pulled the other boy into a tight hug. “I could never be mad at you. I just want to help you, my amore.”
“Okay.” Regulus whispered through tears after a few moments.
“Okay?”
“I’ll try to be better. I can’t- I can’t promise anything. It’s really, really fucking hard. But I’ll try. For you.”
So, he did. He tried to be better. He wasn’t perfect, and some days were really, really hard. But he tried for James.
He tried to eat more. He tried to talk to his therapist more. He tried to take his medicine more. And he really tried to stop hurting himself.
He would ich to open the cuts on his thighs and watch the blood run down his legs. He craved the release he got from adding burns to his chest. He longed to feel it all. But he didn’t do it. Because he couldn’t do that to James. It wouldn’t be fair to him, and all Regulus wanted was to make James happy.
And slowly but surely, he got better. Truly better. He stopped faking smiles. He became more confident in himself. He was happy.
And it was all because of James Potter. He was the best birthday present Regulus could ever ask for.
The end.