Mantra
Something was pulling at James Potter’s chest. It was a dreadful feeling, a want that could not be achieved. A need that could not be fulfilled. At that moment, laying in his bed, staring at the ceiling and feeling the shadows of a hangover creeping up on him he realized he wanted nothing more than to get rid of the gnawing feeling in his chest.
Despite, how many bottles he finished or how many times the alcohol burned as it went into his stomach the emptiness persisted. One could not fill an emotional desire with a material object.
There was a certain wrongness to everything that had once seemed right. His best friend was different, his kitchen was smaller, his hoodies didn’t fit as well as they used to. Everything was different, and the speed with which it had all changed was overwhelming.
James could not deal with change.
He could deal with most minor issues, support people whenever they needed it, and be level-headed in difficult situations. But James Potter could not handle change.
His heart ached too much for what it once used to be.
Knowing that the world would spin was too much information. With every single step you walked, the Earth had changed again, moved on again leaving you behind with broken memories and shattering moments.
Unfortunately, things seemed to have changed once again, everything had shifted out of focus, and by the time his vision had cleared it was too different from before. Sirius had become moody, and snappy. He himself had become more short-tempered and more prone to getting irritated at Sirius’ melodramatic meltdowns.
Ever since they had seen Regulus.
Regulus had caused everyone’s world to change. Sirius was petrified of him, every time they crossed the grey-eyed boy in the halls Sirius would shift away, flinch as if he was benign tortured by invisible demons.
However, in his eyes, it wasn’t fear that was prevalent.
It was disgust.
He was disgusted by his brother’s choices. The younger’s inability to fight against their parents. His constant groveling and accepting. Sirius was disgusted at how someone who lived through the same circumstance as he had managed to learn all the wrong things from it.
James hated the disgust. Hated how his friend was so blind to another’s suffering. Sirius was always close-minded but now his hatred for his brother blinded his sense of practicality.
James had always been understanding to Siri’s little meltdowns and he failed to comprehend why Sirius couldn’t tolerate his actual brother’s quirks.
However, James didn’t voice his opinion. Didn’t tell Sirius how inconsiderate he was being. After all that had happened in the Black family mansion stayed in that hell hole. Both brothers had their reasons behind the harsh eye contact.
But James couldn’t help but long to find out Regulus’ side of the story.
It was with this insane thought James found himself walking to Lily’s apartment, with a lily in hand.
—-----
Lily was no longer divided about the split.
She deserved the happiness, deserved to pull away from the things that didn’t make her happy anymore. As much as she wanted to blame her heart for falling out of love she knew that somewhere it was unreasonable.
Love is a fickle thing, one minute it is enough to drown you and the next it is barely even a puddle that covers your ankles. Love ebbs and flows like the tide. Though the redhead waited for her
love to kiss the shore it seemed to have retreated back.
Her mind however had still not retreated. Every corner of her apartment reminds her of James. It did not help that his watch was lying on the coffee table.
The silver dial seemed to tease her. Little rays of sunshine reflected off the glass, catching her eyes and making them sting.
“I might’ve been busy staring at Dorcs but I don’t think that was lying there earlier.”
All three girls stood huddled together nearly suffocating each other with the contact. They all seemed to mutually understand that Lily needed the comfort. And the redhead was struck with a fresh wave of emotion.
Gratitude for her beautiful friends.
“It’s ok guys. I don’t think a watch is going to cause a breakdown.”
“You never know, girl I cried over boxers.”
The group dissolved into a little puddle of laughs at that statement all of them piled on the floor and an atmosphere of joy blanketed the room.
As the tinkling laughter echoed around the room the front door creaked open revealing a tired and dishevelled Regulus.
The room was silent now. None of the girls particularly liked Regulus, he was stuck-up, snobbish and ridiculously quiet. Despite being invited he never accompanied the three anywhere and he came off as rude and sour-tempered.
Aware to the hiccup his presence had created he mumbled a soft apology and went to the adjacent room, shutting the door with a soft click.
"Annoying kid.” Marlene huffed, clearly upset at the streak of blue in the rainbow she had been tryin to create for Lily.
Out of the three she hated Regulus the most. When she had initially come over hanging around Dorcas’ neck and pressing kisses to her lips Regulus had made a face. And Marlene hated people who made faces.
Despite the incident being months ago she never forgave the black-haired boy for that, or tried to extend friendship to him.
As Lily and Marlene both chattered still wrapped up on the floor Dorcas glanced at the closed door.
Something was very wrong.
—------
Dorcas Meadowes was in no way sweet, or thoughtful, or endearing.
She was cold where Marlene was warm and distant where Marlene was close. Their relationship was the definition of a yin and yan but that was not the reason people were constantly against it.
Dorcas had seen enough homophobia in her life. Enough of the cold glares, and distant stares, and quiet whispers, and shouted insults. She knew a stupid person when she saw one. And in no way did Regulus Black look anything close to stupid.
Like any normal person would when they had a hunch, Dorcas started to plan. Started to devise a path towards the grey-eyed boy and try to figure out what exactly was going on behind the fake sneers.
Because she’d be damned if she let Lily room with some pyscopath.
She’d been around enough creeps to know that spending a minute with them would give you shivers. Living with one was out of the question. She’d only seen Regulus in fleeting moments, passing through the hallway or walking to the dance studio and the little information she had on him scared her.
She stood abruptly heading to the kitchen and pulling out a pan with some plates.
“Dorcs? You feeling ok?”
She shrugged off Marlene’s concern and frowned. Maybe this thought path was causing her to spiral slightly, maybe the thought of a stranger next door was making her relieve something she didn’t want to.
“I’m making pasta.”
Ignoring the skeptical look Lily and Marls shared the eldest put on the stove, losing herself in the measurements and the temperatures of cooking. It was always easier to things where numbers were involved.
Give her a set of numbers and any task could be solved. Give her vague directions and some wonky comparisons and then there was a problem.
A few minutes later and everyone had a steaming hot plate of pasta in front of them, everyone except one person.
Dorcas balanced one plate on her palm, some cutlery and a glass in the other, “I’ll be right back.”
Before anyone could protest she was knocking on the boy’s door, waiting for the lock to click and a small face to emerge.
In one swift moment, she had shut and locked the door once again, this time on the opposite side of the room. The younger gulped when met with her stare, his fingers twitching nervously.
“You looked tired and I brought food.”
Close-up Regulus didn’t look like a psychopath, more like a confused child who’d been handed a hundred dollars and told they had freedom. His room however, gave the impression he was at least some level of insane.
The walls were bare, the table had just a laptop and a neat pile of books, there was a few classical literature books on the bedside but the rest of the room was barren of entertainment or any form of character.
“You spend your day here?” Dorcas said, failing to keep the disgust and shock out of her voice.
“It’s peaceful. Not many people come barging in and criticise it y’know.” There was a bite to the sentence, a clear ‘back off’ that Dorcas had heard many times before from others. However this boy made her want to test his limits. See how far he could push him till he broke.
“Food,” she said, placing the bowl on the table, watching as Regulus’ face morphed into an expression of disgust.
“I ate at the studio.”
“They don’t serve you at the studio.”
“There’s a cafe a few steps away.”
“You wouldn’t stop there it’s not your kinda place.”
It truly wasn’t anyone’s kind of place with the baby pink furniture, light pink curtains, and even pinker uniforms. Regulus probably wouldn’t be caught dead there.
“Maybe I needed a change.”
Dorcas hated people who challenged her. People who had so little sense argued on trivial matters. Both knew she was right, it was a bowl of pasta what could it possibly do. She needed to establish the hierarchy, establish her strength over this scrawny boy
“Eat. Now” The tone was not particularly frightening but the younger’s reaction to it was disturbing.
His eyes clouded over, hands moving of their own accord, shoving a spoon into his mouth despite the pain in his expression. He repeated the process twice, before shaking himself, pulling himself out of his stupor.
“Get out.” he whispered with a tone so soft Dorcas might have mistaken it for a whimper, “get out please.”
When Dorcas left the room still comprehending the robot-like movements Regulus had had she knew one thing for sure.
The psychopath would have to leave.
—---------
James had significantly less stupidity left in him by the time he stood at the door.
He wasn’t sure whether he came to see Lily or Regulus. Maybe it was a mixture of both. He wanted comfort, wanted soft hands carding through his hair or maybe delicate fingers steadying his shaky hands.
The touch from that morning was still prevalent and it was difficult to believe he’d managed to lose the opportunity of experiencing the skin-to-skin contact ever again.
When the door opened revealing three disheveled girls James forgot all his thoughts about Regulus, the little hope remaining in his heart shattered because in front of him stood Lily Evans. Her lipstick was smudged and her hair messy just like it looked after they spent time together.
“Uhm, uh flower? Not for you, I uh mean not like, ugh.” He swallowed down his despair, ignoring the way his hands trembled.
“Regulus?” he tried once again.
The unamused stares he received back were enough to make his knees tremble. God he shouldn’t have shown up here. The door opened wider and James walked in, making a beeline for the dark-oak door in front. He needed to stop staring at Lily’s lips.
It would be fine he thought as he clicked the door open.
It would be fine he thought as he slowly let himself into the room.
It would be fine.
When he turned after shutting the door once again, and was met with a wide-eyed Regulus surrounded by broken glass shards and pasta he started to doubt his own mantra.