Threats
It took longer than he would admit to get his best friend to look him in the eyes again. James had always had an annoying hero complex but Sirius had never expected to be on the villain end of it. The raven was more often the victim and the receiving end of James’ comfort and affection.
Somewhere in his damaged mind, he knew he had done something wrong by leaving Regulus there but he didn’t want to accept it. Accept the fact that he could hurt someone else without even realizing it.
Up until now, he’d known when he was lashing out, been aware of the dangerous mood swings and painful words he could utter. But it was the first time he had hurt someone and been unaware of it.
He wasn’t even guilty.
He had waited for the stabbing regret and inward-directed anger to come prying at his heart and slice him open slowly but nothing but a twisted joy came to him. The sick happiness he had felt when he saw his brother experiencing the pain he had always been spared.
But the sadness began to creep in when he watched the anger bloom on James’ face. When he realized who he had hurt in the crossfire and who he had betrayed when he got carried away.
Perhaps it was that unsettling sadness that brought him to beg for an address he didn’t truly want. With a terrifying room number etched into his head, Sirius found himself leaving James’ place with a heavy heart.
He’d seen the darkness in his friend’s eyes, a disappointment that used to be stuck on his parents’ faces for most of his short stay there. A scared and naive part of him felt the need to erase the frown lines from the brunette’s face and right his wrongs. Even a decade after leaving that wretched place Sirius still feared letting anyone down half convinced a cane would be brought down on him.
He waited until the sun had slipped below the horizon and he could feel the familiar comfort the moon brought before slipping out of his apartment and starting his journey to a destination he did not wish to arrive at.
There were too many dangers he could face at the door.
His parents could be standing there eager to drag him home and punish him for his recklessness.
He could be met with the cold and emotionless mask his brother wore and the unforgiving nature that he never gave up.
And worst he could be met with a wreck, a human being he had abandoned in the clutches of monsters. He could meet a reflection of himself, shattered and irreparable and he would forever curse himself for not rescuing his own flesh and blood.
But to an overthinking mind, it would be torture to leave without knocking so he let his fist meet the wood and promptly let out a wince regretting both the decision and the loud noise that echoed through the hall.
The sight he saw at the door was somehow unexpected and unrelated to the thousands of scenarios he had thought of. His brother stood slightly disheveled at the door, tears running down his cheeks but a determined expression on his face. Trust him to be stubborn even when he is weak.
“If James sent you you can go away”
And Sirius longed to turn back and pretend this had never happened. Pretend he didn’t see the wrecked apartment behind Regulus, hear the slight wobble at the end of his sentence or the voices in his head screaming to save his brother from drowning. But he overcame his urges and opened his mouth with an apology set on his lips.
“Go away Sirius.” it was the exhaustion dripping from that sentence, the faint fear of being left alone reflected in Regulus’ eyes that made Sirius put his foot in the door, stopping it mid-slam.
“We need to talk,” he said after a few beats of silence.
………….
Regulus still made his tea in the haphazard manner he used to when they were kids. He put in four different types of tea bags and an insane amount of sugar and then scrunched up his nose but still drank the tea anyway.
For a fleeting moment, Sirius wondered if that was why they were so different. Because Regulus could deal with his mistakes, and swallow the bitter medicine he had created for himself while Sirius always fled from every problem he caused.
He sat there with a smug smile because this skill is what gave him the higher ground. Allowed him to live like he currently was. Regulus would always be stuck, even with his silver tongue and his intelligence he didn’t have the courage to free himself from his cage.
“You don’t have to do this. It’s not going to change anything, it might even make everything worse than before.” ‘
“So you prefer going our separate ways and never acknowledging the other’s existence?”
“It’s worked so far hasn’t it.”
“That means you can’t talk to them.”
Regulus faltered there, his mask of indifference slipping. This was the condition that Sirius was going to use to get his way. He was going to make the younger’s life miserable without even being a part of it.
You aren’t allowed to have this.
You aren’t allowed to be him or even sit with him.
You can’t be this happy.
The truth hurts. It’s a broken, twisted reflection of what you thought was beautifully perfect and it stabs you with its jagged edges and haunting images. Regulus could feel it lodged deep in his chest.
He considered everything his mother told him to be true and that fault only caused him more pain.
“You have my word.” He never broke a promise but this was the first time he felt inclined to. A strange desire hung in the depth of his heart, an aching, a longing to fight for his new friends, a longing for them to care for him.
Regulus seemed to attract only the people who had the same personality as him. Cold, cruel, manipulative. He didn’t have Sirius’ luck with friends - or anything else for that matter - and it made him want these people even more.
Because they acted just like his brother did.
However, he needed to stay away from them because the way Sirius saw it he intended to steal them and make them into copies of himself, manipulating them into slowly becoming like him. He knew he was a threat to his brother but for the first time, Regulus saw the fear in his brother’s eyes.