As It Was
Faces. They tended to blur together every time Sirius got in one of his fits. The world around him changed, spinning on its axis but in a completely different direction than he was used to making him sick with worry and fear.
He’d lash out at every single person he saw simply because they all appeared the same to him in those fleeting moments. Even if their characteristics remained, it was the wrongs they had done, floating in front of his eyes because in those few moments that was all he could see.
For the first year, he’d hidden away from everyone close to him, fear creeping up his spine at the words he could spout without regret when he was at his lowest. But slowly as the bond between his friends grew he allowed them to see more of the shattering windows of his soul instead of only the stained glass ones.
Understanding had bloomed between the four and the sudden, abrupt sharing of Sirius’ had strengthened their friendship to the point where none of them had needed anyone else.
None wanted anyone else.
The abrupt and complete trust that each shared with each other was unique, that much was evident. But still, Sirius constantly wondered about its fragility, its timeline.
Everything in his short but disastrous life had a habit of ending much before its time. Moments were ruined, and relationships were destroyed all accidentally and for feeble and futile reasons. So, inside his head constantly loomed the possibility of a broken friendship destroyed by mistakes Sirius would no doubt make.
Every day was cautiously lived, tiptoeing around his actions, blocking out his moods, mulling over every word he said became constant for the black-haired boy. Slowly he began to feel the constant strain of his life, tugging at his hair with a ferocity.
Still every morning no one appeared at his door calling a doomsday or shouting about his inability to maintain a friendship and Sirius decided to take that as a win.
Until the moment where it wasn’t.
He knew he was exhausted, he knew not to push himself. But the edge of the cliff was already in view and there were no brakes visible only the quiet rhythmic walking towards the edge. He hadn’t realized it had been so bad up until the moment where it was.
Like quiet ghosts creeping up behind Sirius found his problems suddenly breathing down his neck, sending shivers down his spine. And he’d been possessed by their irrational fear and blinding rage.
The words he’d screamed that day made him still flinch because their ferocity was worse than the heat beating down on their backs on the violent, drought-like summer’s day.
He’d seen his usually unaffected and cheery friend’s face collapse and morph into a disgusted and slightly fearing expression.
“Nice to know you're not always ridiculously cherry James, Do you know how annoying it is for the rest of us with your constant smiles and squeaky laughs?” He’d spat out angrily, the minute he’d seen the prankster’s face fall.
He’d lashed out at each of them, pushing their limits as far as they could stretch and watching them crumble somewhat sadistically and slightly terrified.
The adrenaline it had given him still made him giddy.
The slight thought of getting high while hurting someone was only one of the aspects that made Sirius fear himself the most because it was the cause of his and so many others hurt.
But there was one who went unscathed from this problem.
One who walked free and instead of fleeing had taken his raging face in their hands and planted a kiss on his forehead, comfort bleeding from their lips into each cell of his skin.
The memories after Remus Lupin had held him were blurry, lost in the abyss of his fragile mind never to be found. Somehow Sirius didn’t find himself minding that much because Remus Lupin still held him from time to time arising the same feeling and numbing the pain that he so often felt.
The only difference was there was no trigger needed. Now their kisses were unprompted, a random pattern blooming through every day.
Love was a rare flower that Sirius rarely stumbled upon in the withering garden of his life and he was a stranger to the warmth it brought. So Sirius plucked it and kept it in his heart, overflowing the love and joy he could into the fragile petals.
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Remus was a stranger to unconditional need, no one had wanted him for purely company or simply a talk. So when he’d receive phone calls from Sirius at random hours of the night he’d expected some other reason than ‘i just wanted a conversation.
So he sat through every stutter and ramble trying to pick apart their meaning with the utmost patience. But somewhere along the way he’d stopped reading between the lines and started to actually mumble back answers and even engage in the most passionate discussions concerning mint chocolate ice cream.
Slowly along the lines, Remus had found solace in the presence of his complete opposite. They were sun and moon yin and yang, different in every way. But there was comfort, a feeling that promised to bloom into much more.
Remus found himself drowning in the emotion day and night refusing to admit to anyone the actual cause of his random smiles and overall happier nature.
“This is the fifth day in the week that Remus grumpy Lupin hasn’t snapped at any of us or complained of the laundry lying on the floor which I personally messed up to irritate him.” Peter said with an amused and slightly mischievous look in his eye, “I bet he’s being fucked every day or finally caved and bought weed from Pandora in the empty classroom.”
James snorted stretching his hand to snag a fry from Sirius’ plate. “Remus wouldn’t be this loony over some girl and I bet Principal Dumbie would buy weed before our little saint does. The question is which teacher complimented his extra work and noticed his neatly pressed sweaters.”
Sirius chuckled softly shooting the caramel boy in question a glance and winking at him thoroughly enjoying the blush that rose to his cheeks after that.
“Look at the way he’s blushing I bet it was Miss Pamela from geography.”
“What about Mister Blond Guy who subbed for Math yesterday,” Petter suggested, his blue eyes watching the reaction keenly trying the gauge the shy mystery in front of him without pushing his limits. Remus who had tensed up slightly at the mention of liking a teacher and a guy had chosen to watch the ground as intently as his friends watched him.
Remus was still a mystery to most preferring for his secrets to stay wrapped under the threads of his heavy sweaters. Peter had found a sort of similarity in him for even he had once been wary of spilling his soul the way James and Sirius seemed to do with ease.
Trust was a fickle thing and immensely fragile in the hands of most. And from experience, but still, Peter poured it slowly, piece by piece into the hands of those he
“I’d fuck him any day” Sirius piped up swiping James’ lemonade and downing it in one gulp trying to avert his gaze away from the magnetic beauty of the brunette.
“Remus or the Proffesor?” Peter questioned cheekily having deducted Sirius’ sexuality ages before even the leather jacket boy had been able to discover himself.
As the table erupted in laughter Sirius found his answer getting lost in the quiet chuckles of the beautiful boy.
Both
Sirius would’ve always done both.
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As Sirius lay between his lover’s arms uneven breathing still shaking his body from time to time he found that he was glad he had picked that answer, always longed for the answer.
Because Remus and he were a pattern woven together in the red strings of destiny and if he had ever walked past the caramel-haired, chocolate boy Sirius doubted he would’ve made it anywhere in the world whether fate had dictated it or not.
They were two halves made whole only when together. And Sirius could feel his broken shards stitching themselves back together as he lay quietly on the couch in Remus’ arms pushing away the memories that he had been unable to fight alone only moments earlier.
“Better now?” the brunette whispered.
“It’s not the same as it was I suppose.”
“That’s good,” he hummed softly repeating it a few times like some sort of mantra.
“Can we go out of the apartment for breakfast,” Sirius whispered his eyes burning at the emptiness of each corner as he tried to forget the frantic moments in which he’d hurriedly cleared them.
“Anywhere you want to babe just give me a minute to look less like a mangy animal.”
“You're one to talk I look like a bloody dog thanks to you running your fingers through my hair a bajillion times.”
A soft laugh and retreating footsteps were the only answers Sirius got in return before he was left alone again, much more content than before.