I'm reaching out
"didn't take you to be a stalker potter" Regulus calls down from his broom, far too impassive and unbothered compared to James who feels like poetry is about to fall out of his mouth. stanzas and stanzas about stars illuminating the sky and dark-haired Slytherins wearing smirks that make his stomach roll over and summersault, much in the same way Regulus was on the broom only minutes before.
James has always been told that he feels too much, too deeply, too quickly. he wears his heart on his sleeve and maybe they are right, because how has this one moment with regulus black of all people got James not thinking about his dad or the heaviness in his chest.
"funnily enough, I don't spend my spare time watching you fly. you're mediocre at best by the way" lie. he's always been a bad liar but this one is so obviously false that the boy in the sky snorts, lowering himself to hover beside James.
"really? that why you were practically drooling a second ago?" he's also been told he has a flair for dramatics, which to him seems unfair when in comparison to Sirius. however, for him that deserves a dramatic gasp and clutch to the chest.
"excuse me, but I do not drool." that only makes Regulus quirk a single eyebrow, so familiar that James is bluntly reminded who this is, Sirius' brother.
"you were literally standing there, watching me with your mouth wide open. pathetic to be honest." is his reply, a low drawl escaping through his lips. his hair is wind-swept loose curls covering his dark grey eyes. he's enchanting but he really, really shouldn't be.
"never have I ever done anything remotely pathetic in my life."
"that's a blatant lie"
"excuse me?"
"you've been publicly humiliated and rejected too many times for it to not be pathetic"
"keeping track have you? whose the stalker now black?"
"um still you. you do realise the whole school was unfortunately witness to your atrocious singing"
"this now feels like an attack. and atrocious? ever heard of manners? etiquette?"
"you clearly haven't, creepily watching people at night isn't exactly etiquette so"
"it wasn't creepily, and I wasn't watching"
"i'll be the judge of that, also now your just bare-face lying"
"so now I am a liar too? I'm not coming off very well am I?"
"no, and what a shame that is."
"nah you like me really, find me charming don't you?"
"exasperating at best"
"that's a big word reggie, know what it means?"
"I'm not dignify that with a response"
"you just did"
"piss off"
and James is laughing, not a chuckle either, but one of his proper ones where is head falls back and his stomach hurts from it. If he hadn't been watching Regulus as closely as he was, he might have missed the minuscule tug at his lips, the tiniest smile the graces his face before he is looking down, letting his hair cover his face in what James' mind supplies as adorable.
"well" Regulus clears his throat, finally getting off his broom and dusting off his trousers for something to do with his hands. "better be off then, let you have the pitch"
"right" the disappointment he feels is because he is lonely and he knows as soon as Regulus leaves he will be alone with his thoughts, that's what he tells himself anyway. "yeah well, see you around."
"I sincerely hope not" and then he is walking back, away, away, away so quiet in footsteps as if to evade the natural order, to be invisible. James watches him go, not even bashful when Regulus turns around to shout "not a word about this, if anyone asks I will deny this ever happening."
and James is grinning like an idiot, shouting back "come on, both know you love talking about me" and then he is gone and James is alone in the dark. he squeezes his eyes shut, gets on his broom and lets the cool air blow everything away, flies harder and faster not letting a single thought or feeling invade his mind. its up there, with the clouds around him and the quidditch hoops small enough the fit in his palm, that for the first time since the summer, he feels truly peaceful.
well that was unexpected, is the first thing Regulus thinks as he begins the walk back to the dungeons. unexpected and not as unpleasant as he would have thought. another lie- he has watched his brother interact with potter enough times to know how easy it is, to desperately yearn for it himself. James Potter was lots of things, but despite his hardest Regulus couldn't not be affected by his charm and allure.
he was the sun and regulus could do nothing to stop the magnetic pull towards him.
there is something about James Potter that he just can't get his head around, he doesn't want to, but his mind replays their conversation, the the things he said back. and James' laugh, laugh, laugh. his smile that is so bright it could burn through anything, his dimple on one side that does something to Regulus. when it comes to James Potter, it was always the same two feelings swirled together: jealousy and admiration.
by the time he made it back to his dormitory, the rest of the boys were asleep, something that Regulus was relieved by because the idea of having to talk to people felt exhausting. The broom ride had been an attempt at forgetting that soon enough he would have to go to bed, which meant nightmares, nightmares, nightmares.
they were usually the same nowadays, it was always his mother towering over them like a shadow that never left, like a blood stain seeped into a carpet, it was Sirius protecting him until he wasn't. it was pleas into darkness over and over again
please
come back
please, I need you
and then it was his mother, but there was water and it was always pouring, pouring, pouring into the room, it was always climbing up the walls and choking him, swallowing him, drowning him. it was always harsh sighs and ice tones of
this is for your good
this is because I love you
you're our heir now
regulus, his brother screaming in pain, in anger, in despair
regulus
regulus
he always wakes up the same, gasping for breath, clutching his chest, heart pounding, wet cheeks. breathe, breathe, breathe.
don't think. and then there are boxes, box after box in his mind putting it all away.
because awake he can control them, its when night drapes itself over the sun and casts away its embers, its when the moon brightens and the shadows crawl. that's when he can't control himself, that's when he's scared. that's when he's weak.
and Black's can't afford weakness.
"you look like death itself" Regulus and Barty are making their way to charms and as usual Barty decides to be his usual self. "didn't hear you come in, any late night rendezvous your not telling me about o'l reggie boy" that makes him stop in his tracks and turn to his friend. unamused
"first of all, never call me that again, like seriously ever and no, funnily enough there is no one I would waste my precious time for sleep for" another lie, even the idea of sleep makes him feel tense but no one needs to know that he still has nightmares, likewise no one needs to know he bumped into James Potter last night.
"it's so fun, getting you all worked up" a wink thrown his way, and Barty is back to walking. That's the thing about Barty, he flirts seamlessly with Regulus all the time, but it doesn't seem to have an affect on him whatsoever, unlike Regulus who practically chokes every time because yes, that one time in 2nd year when they kissed does still take up room in his mind, and yes if there was ever going to be anyone he could see himself truly fancying, it would be his best friend. his very straight best friend, who only flirted as a joke and has no idea the true affect it had on Regulus.
"oh shut up and go inside"
charms is always fun, if only because to Regulus it comes naturally, like most of his subjects and due to his time spent in the library over the years he is well past the 5th year syllabus. The time is usually spent watching others mess around in silence however this term he has been paired with Greengrass which means having to actually socialise and make small talk. Regulus Black doesn't do small talk.
" so, how was your summer?" Daphne asks, as far as people in his year go, he is quite close to her, she's fun to talk to some of the time and they have an alright time of it usually. However that question is not one with a particular happy answer.
his mother's voice a hiss, tone as sharp as a knife, able to cut through the air ruthlessly
Sirius in a pool of his own blood
Sirius leaving
Regulus being told he has to burn his brother off the tapestry
Regulus being told he as no brother
Regulus being told he is now the heir
curse after curse- preparing him for anything
pressure to find a betrothal, someone suitable to marry
having to practice dark magic on animals
"it was fine, yours?" and then Daphne is off talking about her holiday to France and Regulus needs to breathe, breathe, breathe.
he's counting the seconds until the bell rings, and then he's gone, not even waiting for Barty who calls his name. he just needs to think, think, think.
of course it's Severus that corners him in the corridor as he leaves the classroom, the one person that tires him beyond relief, always intruding, always pressing. especially since last year, when something happened involving Sirius.
Sirius.
he remembers seeing his brother eat alone, a darkness having overcome his usual brightness, he remembers Lupin not being able to even look at him. he remembers thinking about going up to him and asking him if he was ok, helping him.
We can be alone together
whatever you did, we can be broken together
Over the summer, once the sound of the door slamming had been branded into his head, in moments of weakness he would look up at the stars and think about them, so bright, in their own worlds, never touching, always far apart, always orbiting a sun but never coming together.
Sirius-the brightest star in the sky
Regulus- the most fortunate star in the heavens
two boys broken, bound together by invisible string
keeping them together
keeping them apart.
"what do you want Severus?" he was always talking about Lupin, about Potter, about Evans. it was exhausting.
"you would do well to stay away from your brother" he was so exhausted
"why are you telling me this?"
"your occlemecy is admittedly impressive, however the obvious glances are quite telling. pathetic" he's always sneering. and Regulus cannot stop himself from snorting, from the hypocrisy of it all. he finds himself learning in closer, his face a mask. always a mask. beauty and cruelness. elegance and ferociousness. A Black through and through.
"oh? as if you haven't been hopelessly salivating over Evans like a dog. you do realise that she couldn't find you any more repulsive?" A low blow, but the truth all the same. Snape is immediately closing down, still not over the muggleborn who doesn't hide her contempt for him.
"it was merely a friendly reminder is all"
"your not my friend" and then he is pushing past the older boy, utterly tired of Sirius, Sirius, Sirius. it always comes back to him.
As he walks down the corridor, he can't help but muse over the similarities of the conversation to his one with Potter, one which was surprisingly more pleasant.
he needs to sleep.
"I love you Jaz, you're honestly my favourite person"
"nope"
"but-"
"sorry Marley. besides its fun!" by the look on the blondes face, which is terrifying to say the least as the girl really can glower, Marlene is not amused.
"these drills are not fun, they are torture. do you take joy from watching me die of exhaustion?"
"aw come on, it's only two more laps." he's grinning. perfectly at ease with the ache in his legs and the fast pace of his heart. he loves this feeling, the adrenaline, the not having to think.
"fuck you" and then she is running again, flipping him off which makes him laugh. he had had no plans to even start thinking about the quidditch team let alone tryouts but Emmaline- the seeker and his friend- had rested her head on his shoulder and suggested doing it. "like ripping off a bandage, the longer you leave it, the worst it becomes."
so here he was, not even back two weeks and already back to training in the early hours of the day. Sirius had already collapsed on the grass, now snoring into the dirt. James looked at him fondly, he had never been a morning person and frankly hated exercise, the only reason he claimed to be on the team was for James and to get his anger out however, James suspected it had more to do with his boyfriend watching the matches. he liked the attention dramatic bastard.
he watches his team, and tries not to think about how different this would all feel if this summer had never happened. His dad had been so proud when he had become captain in 5th year, ruffles to the hair and shouts of "that's my boy". what would he think now? seeing James barely have the energy to care about planning plays or finding more intel about the other teams, about what Lily Evans would think.
Him and Evans have a cordial friendship now, polite acknowledgements and pleasantries, and maybe before he would push it, try and get more, want more but the guilt of what happened during their owls is still a memory that feels as though its winded itself around his neck, in a chokehold. and if he is honest with himself, the fear of another no, no, no, the fear of another drop of his love being wasted or dropped without a care makes his stomach twist and churn. the fear of losing, losing, losing what? another person he loves? losing another person that loves him? she doesn't love and he knows that but he knows how easy he would make it for her to take another fraction of his heart and compress it until he is unable to breathe with the weight of it.
He ends tryouts quickly after that, fingers shaking with the need to do something. And Sirius is pulling hm into his chest, and dorcas is holding a dramatic Marlene, and Frank and Alice look at each other even muddy and sweaty as if nothing else has ever looked as divine. and James forgets the fear and yearns for it, the need and want for it that he feels breathless with it. And Remus is waiting in the great hall, feeding Sirius and as if on reflex his gaze turns to Lily and he hurts, hurts, hurts.
for someone with so much love, there is a cruel irony that no one wants to love him back. not with that same intense need to fill him up with it, people love him, but they don't have the urge to remind him, to show him how much, how much, how much. it's not the same. He wants a Remus, a Marlene, a frank.
"why so blue?" and Lily Evans, beautiful Lily Evans is smiling at him, a peculiarly shy thing that makes him stop and slow down.
"why is that a phrase?" he's deflecting and she knows, everyone knows, and Sirius is talking his hand under the table and squeezing it and he is ok, he's ok, he's ok. she lets him off the hook. too kind.
"Eh I don't know, blue just has connotations of sadness, don't get all philosophical on me now Potter"
"you wouldn't think so though, because blue is also calm like the sea, the sky" Mary chips in, stealing Dorcas' water.
"Oi watch it" is the reply.
"yeah but like water is blue and you know tears." is what Peter manages to come out with, and they all just look at him as he still obliviously munches on his food. James reaches over to ruffle his hair, a small chuckle escaping him.
"never change Pete" and Remus is snorting and Peter, indignant is shouting "hey" and James chastises himself for being so selfish. he is loved, and this is enough, they are enough.
he is enough. maybe if he says it enough times he will believe it.
when they are getting ready for classes, Remus catches up to him, his warm caramel eyes on his, and he loops their arms together. "after transfiguration let's have a chat yeah? just me and you. Pads needs to learn how to survive with no attention" and James is so thankful for his friend, his beautiful friend with wooly jumpers and scars that carve maps into his skin.
"yeah ok thanks"
"don't thank me, you're the one bringing the chocolate" and then he is winking and turning to Sirius, who kisses his cheek. they walk like that, in a line, each linked in some way and James smiles to himself. he's ok, he's ok, he's ok.
McGonngal pairs him with Lily and she grins, and they both try and ignore Snape's piercing stare, and he tries to stop the guilt from seeping into his skin, his bones, his blood.
"right so guessing you wanna go first?" they were trying non-verbal transfiguration something James could already do.
"nah I'll let you go, seeing as you are the protege." she's smirking at him and he feels himself loosen slightly.
"was that a compliment Evans? for me?" she snorts "no seriously who are you, and what have you done with Lily Evans?" that makes her sober up, looking down. he doesn't know why he says it, just feels this need for her to know.
"you don't have to do this." she glances up at him, questioning. "be nice, because my dad died." he can't look at her.
my dad died, my dad died, my dad died. the words feel funny on his tongue.
"you really think I would do that?" she's quiet, and he looks. he's surprised to see her look so upset, so down. "what happened last year" and his heart squeezes with the thought of it, he remembers her crying, crying, crying. "it was really, really shit but it's not fair for me to blame you James. and I've realised that that's what I've been doing for years, is blaming you." she takes a deep breath and steels herself. "I've blamed you, partly because of Sev-Snape but also my own insecurities and jealousy." he wasn't expecting that, and seeing her so sad, physically hurts.
"please don't apologise, I'm-im the one who didn't take no as an answer, I'm the one who made you cry"
"no, no it was Snape, yeah you can be an idiot and arrogant but you aren't- the point is you are a good person and I've been punishing you for that and its not fair"
"yeah telling me you preferred the giant squid, it really gave me a complex, tried to look more like it" he grins and she snorts, pokes him in the side and something inside him relaxes, a weight off, he can breathe just a little easier.
"piss off, you needed to hear that, genuinely I was worried for your head exploding from its sheer size"
"thanks for the concern" they smile. then she turns, all formal and holds her hand out
"errr Evans, is this some sort of weird business deal I wasn't aware of?"
"no, this Potter is friendship. I mean- wanna be friends? officially." and he bursts out laughing, dimple out, which only happens when he is truly genuinely happy. he takes her hand smirking down at her.
"this how you start all your friendships?"
"only the ones that I want to keep" she looks at him seriously. "but for what it is worth, Im sorry for your dad and all the things that I've said over the years."
"its alright." and they get back to work, him helping her transfigure the bird in front of them. "besides, I feel like we work as friends" he says, truly meaning because she is beautiful and kind and strong and he loves her, and each of his loves are different, the feeling different from Sirius to even Remus. he wants to be able to love her. he likes being friends. friends is good. and truly, maybe it is better.
"yeah, we do" and both of them, feel just a big lighter, the feel of Snape's eyes on them burn less.