Luna on life
Hermione ran to the sofa, her eyes on the TV she'd managed to get working in Grimmauld place, shoving her elbows into Ron and Harry's sides as she wriggled her way between them, ignoring their protests.
“Excited, love?” Harry checked with a smirk.
“I cannot wait.”
Ginny let out a laugh, pulling Dean down next to her as Susan settled next to Ron. “Put it on then!”
The new wizarding world channel came on, just in time for the opening credits of Luna's new programme. Her smiling face filled the screen and she waved before pointing her wand, a swirling picture appearing on the screen next to her. “Witches and wizards don't put much stock in muggle sciences, but we have a picture of the Milky way, the galaxy we live in. Did you know that muggles also have a sweetie that's called a milky way? Hermione introduced me to them. It doesn't contain any of the milky way in it which was a bit disappointing but it's quite good anyway. This picture was taken about a month ago, which means you're in it! We can't see you though, I did look. I even looked for Professor Snape's nose. Ron once told me it was the biggest thing he’d ever seen so surely I should have been able to see it but even with a magnifying spell it wasn't there. Maybe I was looking in the wrong place. Sir, if you’re watching, maybe next time I could convince you to wave to see if it helps?”
Ron let out a choked wheeze. “He's going to avada me!”
“Gods…” Harry was crying, his face buried in Hermione's neck. “Oh gods. I adore Luna but she’s insane.”
“She's something else alright,” Susan agreed with a grin, turning her attention back to the screen, just as Luna sat down with a cloaked unspeakable.
“This is Unspeakable Jones, they've agreed to answer some questions, but first, I have to check, why are we here?”
“On Earth?”
Luna frowned, looking around the room, “No. Specifically here. The nargles don't like it.” she paused, “Maybe I’ll bring you one of Neville's devil snare flitterbloom hybrids. The nargles like those.”
The unspeakables shoulders visibly stiffened. “I…I….This is the Ministry!”
“Yes,” she mused, “Do you think Minister Shacklebolt would move it? The Feng shui would be better and then everyone's aura would be brighter and the heliowasps would return to Britain.”
“I…i don't think that we can just move the Ministry Miss Lovegood.”
Oh,” Luna looked at him sceptically, “If you're sure. I really think it would be better. Maybe just a few metres to the left?”
“Right, pay up!” Dean commanded around a laugh, “I told you she’d mention Feng shui in the first episode. What you were thinking of introducing her to that, Hermione I’ll never know.” There was grumbling as they all pelted galleons at him, even as he smiled smugly.
Realising they’d missed a bit and Luna was now wandering slightly aimlessly around a church, they turned their attention back to the TV. “Many muggles believe that we were created by a God and they come here to talk to him. Which doesn't make a lot of sense, surely he can't listen to them all at once? It must get quite confusing. Unless everyone speaks one at a time? And why is he a he? What if god is a woman and she's really, really offended by everyone misgendering her?” Luna shrugged, her face thoughtful, “One muggle philosopher thinks that God's brother Simon invented everything.” she knelt suddenly on the steps next to the pulpit, murmuring a reverent, “Thank you Simon,” before standing.
“That's not….” Hermione trailed off faintly, unsure whether to laugh or cry at Luna's misunderstanding as Harry wheezed, “Simon? OH gods. How long until the kids are worshipping the muggle god Simon trying to be cool.”
It was all she could do not to let the horror show on her face.
“This is Reverend Ewing Smith.” Luna introduced a good humoured looking, elderly man with wispy tufts of white hair. “Reverend Smith, some people say God, or Simon, is omnipotent, omnipresent and some other omni words i can't remember. Does he just like an omni prefix?”
To his credit, the Reverend only blinked, pausing for a moment before answering in a soothing voice, “I don't quite think God picked the terms dear.”
“Oh.” Luna cocked her head, “How unfortunate for them. Now, if God is all those omni-words, can they see inside your head?”
“Well..God is able to evaluate your being, so in a sense, yes I suppose He can.”
“So….can you fool him? And be a bad person but think good thoughts, sort of force yourself to think the opposite of what you really do?”
“I rather think He’d see through it.”
“Oh, so an evil mass murdering sociopath who was obsessed with one teenaged boy called…say…Tim Piddle, couldn't convince God he was really a good person?”
The reverend looked faintly alarmed by that, “Ah no, dear. I don't think ah…Tim did you say? I don't think Tim could convince God he was good.”
“Probably just as well,” Luna nodded sagely. “He wasn't very nice.” she patted the reverend's arm, “It's ok though, Harry killed him so we don't have to worry now.”
Ron spat out his pumpkin juice, choking at the flash of alarm on the poor muggle's face as Luna smiled brightly, “Now, lots of churches have very pretty pictures painted on their ceilings.” she pointed up, “Is that God?”
“Jesus,” Reverend Smith wheezed.
“Oh, and how did we know what he looked like? Did someone meet him and take a picture?”
“Ah no. We…we’ll truthfully dear I rather think someone guessed.
“OH! So he might not look like that?”
“Perhaps not.” Reverend Smith agreed, looking for all the world like he would like to be absolutely anywhere other than where he was.
“Interesting,” Luna mused. “I wonder if he was blonde. Hannah Abbot was calling out ‘Oh my God’ just before she came out of a broom cupboard with Draco Malfoy, maybe God looks like him?”
Ginny was crying, taking gasping breaths that Susan mirrored as they laughed. “Merlin the Ferret’s head is going to be bigger than it already is.” Susan murmured as the reverend was replying with a confused. “Perhaps dear. I think it's more likely he was dark haired.”
“Do you?” Luna cocked her head, “Interesting. Now, how did the painters manage to paint up there? Did they just use a really long brush? That's quite impressive if they did. They must have had steady hands and really good glasses. Or do muggle painters have especially long arms? I think I'd like to see that, you know. Although I’m not sure how they walk, don’t they just drag?”
“I think…I think they might have used scaffolding, dear.” Reverend Smith replied faintly.
“Oh. How disappointing. Now, obviously you believe in God, but does that mean you don't believe in the other theory of the Big Bag? Or is it that God pulled the universe out of a big bag? And if so, what colour was it?”
That was when Hermione gave in to the giggles. “Big bag?” Ron checked. “Are muggles a bit mad?”
“Big Bang!” Harry corrected through his laughter.
“If you say so, mate.”
“Ah I think you mean big bang, dear.” Reverend Smith looked suddenly resigned to his fate, “Although I think the bag would be black.”
Luna beamed at the reverend who now looked like he was questioning his life choices. “How nice for God. Black goes with everything.”
The scene cut back to the Ministry with Luna sitting in front of a visibly wary Kingsley Shacklebolt. “Of course, theories on bags or Gods are all well and good, but once we were here, however that came to be, we had to reproduce to ensure we stayed. And as we know, the men in the Wizengamot are very keen for our generation to have more babies, with Bills being attempted, pushing through some…interesting new laws in the name of reproduction. So today I've got the Minister for Magic here.to answer some questions. I did try to get the Chief Warlock but he ran away looking rather frightened. Perhaps he had a Wrackspurt infestation. Now, Minister, do you think semen tastes so bitter so that women don't swallow and ensure that vaginal sex is the preferred method of intercourse in heterosexual couples?”
Kingsley blinked, “I ah…I couldn't possibly say.”
“How disappointing. If that is the case, why do you suppose that so many people like anal sex?”
“I…I ah…Miss Lovegood…” he trailed off helplessly.
“Do you enjoy anal sex MInister? I assume you must given that your partners a man.” she paused, “I imagine you don't mind the taste of sperm either if the scene i walked in on in your office two days ago is anything to go by. I do hope you cast a cushioning charm for his knees Minister, neither of you are getting any younger.”
The camera panned to Kingsleys horrified, frozen face, “You know…I ah…I have an emergency meeting with the Chief Warlock,” he blurted and then he fled.
Luna pouted. “I wanted to ask him about his theories on Death. It's the only guarantee in life, you know, unless you're Harry." Luna turned and waved, “Hi Harry!” she paused, “Oh I'm being told I've got to go now! See you next week!”
There was a stunned silence as the adverts came on before Susan let out a choked giggle that morphed into a full belly laugh that had the others joining her, the tears falling down their faces.
“Poor Kingsley,” Harry gasped.
“I should never, ever have let her watch Philomena Cunk,” Hermione groaned.
“Too late now, love. I can't wait for next week. Do you think we can convince her to get Snape on?”