Incompetent Flunkies
He breathed heavily, the sheer rage he felt at their incompetence leaving adrenaline coursing through him in a way that could not be healthy. It would be a shame to finally get a body again only for it to succumb to a bloody heart attack because his flunkies were fucking incompetent. Not for the first time, he wondered if he should have gone with the muggleborns instead; overthrown the monarchy so to speak, they at least did not come with centuries worth of passed-down entitlement that was not fucking earned. Merlins left tit he was surprised Goyle knew which way to hold his fucking wand. And Malfoy….fucking incompetent, simpering, pathetic little Malfoy. The entire family was only alive because he’d made a promise to Abraxas. A stupid, post-coital unbreakable vow to not deliberately murder his descendants. Fucking little idiot that he’d been to agree to that. Had Brax had a premonition, had he anticipated the uselessness of his son and grandson? He didn't remember Brax being so absurd. Then again, Brax had ways of managing him that Lucius would never dare employ. The thought of him attempting almost made him snort. Almost. But not quite. The rage really was rather overwhelming. They’d lost to fucking schoolchildren, again. And he’d had to break them out of fucking Azkaban. Again. Really! He desperately needed better flunkies.
But he’d chosen his side. His anger had been legendary in his youth. Not that that had changed much if he was honest. And he'd backed the people who he had thought would get him what he wanted in the quickest way possible, with the least amount of fuss. Not that that had turned out well for him. Clearly, he had not thought that through properly at all. Christ, it was an astounding clusterfuck of a mess, wasn't it?
Perhaps he could convince a muggleborn or two to help him off them all. He’d heard that Granger chit was brilliant. And rather ruthless. And he’d seen the memory of her punching Draco. He replayed it when he was feeling particularly hopeless. It always made him smile. Well, that and Pettigrew removing his own hand. That was always a delightful one to rewatch. And the one where Dolohov had actually wet himself during one of his punishments. Narcissa's little nose wrinkle at the mess generally made him at least smile.
Unfortunately, when it came to the Granger girl, there was a rather large impediment in the form of him having tried to murder her best friend. More than once, really and Severus had informed him she was disgustingly loyal. Which was unfortunate. He likely wasn't getting around that.
He glanced down at the shaking, screaming form of Lucius, feeling the sting of the vow urging him to lift his wand before he broke the terms and sighed, reluctantly letting the cruciatus lift.
“Severus,” he hissed, stupid bloody cauldron voice. No one warned him that this was a fucking side effect. Or the lack of a nose. That had been rather alarming. And the hair. Sweet mother of Merlin the hair. He had been pretty once, damn it. And it was a damn sight easier to get people onside when you were pretty. He was not pretty now. Which was why he was reduced to threats and torture. And really, it was effective. But it was also rather tiresome, forcing people to do his bidding. When they had wanted to do it, he had never had to worry about them finally growing a set and attempting a mutiny. Now…now he was sure they were plotting against him, even if no one had been brave enough yet to actually follow. Perhaps it really was time to feed them all to Nagini and start over, but the muggleborns were never going to take him seriously with this face. Gods damn it!
“Yes, My Lord?” Severus drawled. He was almost offended, could the man sound any more bored? Fucking arsehole that he was, thinking he wasn't aware he was Dumbledore's spy. Although that was on him really, he should have done something to keep Lily sodding Potter alive. He had promised. Ah well. He couldn’t bring the witch back. Why he kept Severus around was beyond him. Amusement sometimes, he supposed. He had fed the man some slightly outlandish things to see if he'd be believed for no other reason than he was bored. And unfortunately, traitorous though he may be, Severus was at least competent. It was a rather depressing thought truth be told; his most competent flunkie wasn't even his.
Perhaps he could convince Severus of something ridiculous to feedback to Dumbledore. It had been a while so it might amuse him and keep him from sinking into despair, Merlin knew he wanted to weep at the very thought of grown, apparently superior wizards being bested by fucking school children.
What should he go with? Killing kittens for their skins? Kidnapping babies...rumours of a secret child. Now. that one had potential. That could fuck with all their plans. And… if he played it right, fuck with pointy little Draco at the same time. Good God, why had this never crossed his mind before?
“A word before you return.” he commanded, sweeping from the room, leaving Narcissa to tend to Lucius.
“My Lord?” Severus murmured questioningly.
“I've been hearing rumours.”
“Rumours, my Lord?”
“The Granger girl, tell me about her.”
Severus froze a very clear look that said “What in the actual fuck?” crossing his face before he masked it quickly. “She is…irritating. Clever,” he allowed with a tilt of his head, “Although limited by her reliance on books. Her taste in friends is abysmal.”
“Is it true she kept Rita Skeeter in a jar?”
Severus froze, “I…I have no idea. It seems…unlikely, My Lord.”
“From the witch who lured Dolores Umbridge into the Forbidden Forest and left her to the mercy of the centaurs? It's hardly out of character.”
“Well no,” he replied slowly, “I suppose not.”
“She is at home now?”
“For just now, or at least to my knowledge.” Severus agreed, a brief look of panic flashing over his face.
“And where is she going?”
“I imagine the Burrow, My Lord.”
He smirked, watching Severus struggle to hold back questions. So the girl was in her home. A muggle home with no protections. He could work with that. “You may go.”
“My Lord,” he bowed.
“Oh and Severus, if I wanted to anchor a glamour into something….”
Severus blinked. “You…could use a stabilising and strengthening potion and something goblin forged.” he hummed, waiting for the wizard to join the fucking dots, thankfully, Severus proved yet again that he was less of an idiot than most of his followers. “I shall have both with you by tomorrow, My Lord.”
“Good.”
Silently, he cast a disillusionment, wondering if this was an impulsive decision that was going to bite him on the arse. As he had established earlier, he had had a few of those. Although he had discussed this one with Nagini at least, and she thought it was hilarious.
The house was silent as he crept up the stairs, finding the surprisingly girly bedroom, its lone occupant sound asleep. A ginger monstrosity eyed the place where he stood despite being unable to see him so he stunned it just in case. No need to cause a ruckus until he had a concrete plan.
Casting a numbing charm, he sliced the girl's hand, letting her blood drop onto the waiting parchment, keeping a close eye on her lest she wake. He glanced down at the parchment.
Hermione Granger, b: 19/09/79
Adopted 21/09/79
What the ever living fuck was this? He scowled, dripping several more drops of blood onto the sheet, waiting.
Parents: Tom Marvolo Riddle
Cressida Solange Nott
Adoptive parents: Michelle Jean Granger nee McKinnon
Simon Timothy Granger
He dropped the parchment in surprise. It wasn't fucking funny now. How in the fuck had this happened?
He summoned Severus who appeared looking both alarmed and surprised as he took in their location.
“My Lord?” he hedged.
“What the fuck is this?” he hissed, thrusting the parchment at him.
Severus’ eyes blew wide. “Holy shit.”
He almost laughed at the curse, having never expected it from Severus. Almost. But not quite. Because fuck it all he was meant to unsettle them, steal away their precious golden girl with her delightful vicious streak, but it wasn't fucking funny when someone had stolen her from him first!
“Find out what happened,” he hissed, “Get me that potion, and do not dare let The Order move her or I will raze wherever the fuck they take her to the ground!”
“Yes my Lord,” he agreed instantly, continuing hesitantly, “And the girl?”
He glowered, “Once my glamour is fixed I'm going to take her.” he retorted. Surely it was fucking obvious? “I had intended to go on holiday for a bit. I’ll take her with me.”
“You're going to take…Hermione Granger on holiday?”
“Yes,” he nodded.
“My Lord…is that wise?”
“Apparently the girl is mine. She has a wonderful little violent streak I can encourage, and perhaps, with her on side, I’ll be able to recruit some competent followers. Those are sorely fucking lacking.”
Severus looked torn between genuine amusement and astonishment.
“Might I suggest a shield charm inbuilt to the glamour, My Lord?”
He paused, turning that over in his head. “Good point. And maybe I’ll invite Thoros and Theodore….they can help prevent her from murdering me.”
Severus hummed, “And who is stopping her murder them?”
He eyed Severus thoughtfully. “No. My Lord. I have seen the after-effects of your daughter's handiwork and I can safely say that if I had to choose between being on the other end of her wand and saving Mr Nott and letting her do as she pleased to the boy, I am firmly of the opinion that Theodore will need to learn to fend off his niece on his own.”
“What about the Malfoy boy?”
“She’ll have him murdered in under an hour,” he retorted flatly.
He hummed, “Well then. It would keep the holiday interesting. I don't think I have it in me to spend two weeks on a beach. But teenage girls…they like those don't they?”
“Having never been one I could not possibly say,” Severus drawled, “Although, for that one, I’d suggest a city. She likes knowledge and if you can give her some she might let you live.”
“Might.” he snorted.
“Well she is disgustingly loyal to the Potter boy.”
“Yes, I might need to come to an agreement with him.” he mused.
“Agreement, my Lord?”
“Well…a show of good faith. Let the boy live, let me be in charge. A new direction brought about by my…realising my mistakes in the face of my newly discovered progeny.”
“I…I see, My Lord.”
“How hard can it be? I promise not to murder him, he doesn't murder me?”
“Severus made a small noise in the back of his throat, “And the murder of his parents.”
He cocked his head, “I’ll apologise. Blame Peter. He can have him if he wants. He's fucking useless anyway.”
“Right, My Lord.” Severus muttered.
“Well, shall we go before she wakes?” he nodded at a sleeping Hermione. “And someone should revive her…is that a cat?”
“Apparently, My Lord,” Severus sighed.
“Well…” he stood eyeing the beast. “I’ll leave you to it.”
He smirked as he apparated out cutting off Severus’ protests. After all, what was the need for flunkies if he had to do his own dirty work?
The next day Severus appeared with a claw mark clearly bisecting his cheek. He did not laugh, although it was a close thing. Apparently, his daughter's beastie was as vicious as she was rumoured to be. “A ring, and both potions, My Lord,” Severus offered, his face blank.
“Thank you, Severus,” he murmured, hissing over the ring, embedding the glamour into it in parseltongue as he shaped himself in his mind's eye. He poured the potions over it next, before embedding the shield charm, just in case. Sighing, he slipped it on, enjoying Severus’ startled, stifled gasp. “It worked then,” he mused pleased when his voice came out smooth.
“It did, My Lord.
“Good. Then shall we…collect my daughter from her mundane muggle life?”
Severus smothered a sigh, “She is not going to take it well, my Lord.”
“Which is why we are stunning her and answering questions with a door in between us. Do keep up.”
Draco flinched at the scream that tore through the manor, his eyes meeting his mother's, the tightening of her mouth the only indication she’d heard it.
“Sounds more like anger than torture,” Thorfinn Rowle mused.
Narcissa seemed to still, the sound puncturing their breakfast again. “So it does,” she murmured.
“Severus,” Lucius greeted as he stepped into the room, “We weren't expecting you.”
“No, I imagine not,” Severus sighed, accepting the coffee a fearful little elf accosted him with.
“You look exhausted.”
He let out an almost hysterical little laugh as another scream followed by incoherent words bounced down the stairs. “Reintroduction's are going well then,” he muttered.
“Severus?” Narcissa's sharp tone had him lifting his head to meet her eyes.
“The Dark Lord….discovered he was not quite as alone in this world as he had believed.”
“Pardon?”
“His Heir appears to be rather displeased with their relocation.”
“His Heir?” Thorfinn exclaimed.
“Yes. His Heir.” he agreed, “Ah, Thoros, Theodore. The Dark Lord requested I send you to the yellow bedroom on the second floor. He has…well… perhaps I’ll allow him to explain.”
“Perhaps you will explain.” Narcissa retorted. “Plainly.”
He inclined his cup, knowing not to rile her temper. “It would appear as if Miss Granger is not quite as muggleborn as we believed.” he mused, watching as Lucius and Draco went startlingly white.
“Pardon?”
“Miss Granger, it would appear, is, in fact, Miss Riddle and linked to Thoros through Cressida. I'm sure Thoros will be delighted to meet his granddaughter once she stops threatening to murder us all. Unfortunately, it would seem that the new Miss Riddle is ah…not quite yet pleased to be here.”
“Wow,” Thorfinn muttered. “Antonin's not long for this world then.”
Severus inclined his head, “Perhaps after their holiday, the Dark Lord will be…more relaxed.”
“Holiday?" Lucius wheezed.
“I believe he intends to take her to a beach. Tennerife was mentioned. I did try to talk him into a city with a large library, but he maintains that all teenage girls enjoy the beach.”
A resounding silence fell over the astonished occupants of the dining room, as a clearly howled, “Fuck you, you noseless prick!” could be heard drifting down from upstairs. Not quite pleased to be here indeed, Severus mused, settling down for what was sure to be an entertaining morning.