Half Naked Ideas
Lucius hesitantly knocked on the door. He’d been summoned and he wasn't sure why.
“Enter!” Called the hissing voice of his master.
Steeling himself, Lucius pushed the door open, his eyes scanning the bedroom the Dark Lord had commandeered. He found him lounging at the table by the window. In his pants. White, Y-front pants. He was going to have to scourgify his eyeballs.
“I ah…you asked to see me my Lord?” he stammered.
“Yes,” the Dark Lord agreed, gesturing grandly to the seat across from him, “Do take a seat.”
“A seat, my Lord?” he squeaked, “Would you like me to let you dress first?
“Don't be absurd Lucius, I do my best thinking half-naked. You should try it. It's wonderfully freeing.”
“Freeing, my lord?” he asked, wondering if this was a particularly vivid nightmare.
“Oh yes. I tried the other way around, of course, no pants and a shirt. But it was rather cold and the feeling of my balls on the seat with no barrier wasn't pleasant. I also tried keeping trousers on but that felt restricting. So I settled on just pants.”
“Of…of course, my Lord.” Lucius agreed trying to hide his horror. He never wanted to think of the Dark Lord's balls ever again. And for Merlin's sake, the man had no fucking belly button! Which would make sense. He was born out of a cauldron but still….it was really fucking difficult not to stare at the area it should be. And if he did that it looked like he was staring at the Y-fronts. The last thing he needed was for the Dark Lord to think he was interested in him like that and offer to show him those balls au natural. He’d leave that to Bella thank you very much.
“Good," the Dark Lord nodded, "Would you care to join me? I find your clothing restrictive. It's disturbing the natural flow of ideas.”
“Me, my Lord?” he checked hoping he had massively misunderstood.
“Of course, I felt it was time to bring my most faithful into my bubble. Severus will be here soon too.”
“In his pants?” Lucius asked shrilly.
“Not initially. But I’m sure he’ll disrobe when asked.” The Dark Lord looked at him pointedly, eyeing his robes with distaste.
“Of course,” Lucius replied not sounding at all sure, almost bolting to the door when someone, he assumed Severus, knocked.
“Have I been potioned?" he hissed frantically, startling the other man.
Cautiously Severus lifted his wand, casting a diagnostic. “Not that I can tell,” he murmured.
“Fuck,” Lucius whined, holding the door open wider and gesturing him inside.
“My Lord.” Severus bowed, momentary surprise flashing across his usually impassive face. “I would have waited until you were robed if I had realised.
“Nonsense.” the Dark Lord waved him forward, “As I was explaining to Lucius, this is freeing. I have all my best ideas wearing nothing more than my pants.”
“Of course you do, my Lord.” Severus agreed. Lucius was more than a little jealous of his mask.
“I'm so glad you understand Severus! Now, do join me, feel how freeing it is.”
Severus blinked, “You wish me to disrobe, my Lord?”
“Yes. You and Lucius. Things have stagnated, we need to make plans.”
“As you wish, my Lord,” Severus murmured, his eyes darting to Lucius who could only shrug, reaching for his top button with a feeling of resignation. Severus followed, his face hiding his inner astonishment. Once they were down to their own underthings, both acceptable boxers thank Merlin, he did not need the image of Severus in sodding Y-fronts on top of his Lord. He couldn't have borne it.
“Now, do take a seat and let us discuss our next steps.” The Dark Lord commanded.
Gingerly they both sat in front of him. “What in particular are you concerned about, my Lord?” Severus ventured.
“How is Dumbledore?” he sneered the other man's name.
“He grows ever weaker.”
“And young Draco’s attempts?”
“Haphazard, but I have offered my services; he has accepted.”
“Good, good.” he nodded, “And Lucius, how goes recruitment?”
“Well. The youngest Flint and the youngest Montague are ready to be Marked and Yaxley has convinced several members of the Ministry to join the cause.”
“Wonderful. On the subject of the Ministry, tell me what you know about a witch named Umbridge?”
Severus choked. “If I had my way I’d use her as target practice,” he muttered with a shudder before he froze, looking consideringly at his Lord. “You're right this is freeing.”
Lucius gaped in disbelief as the Dark Lord let out a horrifying noise that he suspected was his version of a laugh. “What is wrong with the witch?”
“Other than an over fondness for kittens and the colour pink, she has an overinflated sense of her own importance and exceptionally rigid ideas of how things should be run.”
"Does she indeed,” the Dark Lord mused, “And you Lucius, do you have any thoughts on the witch?”
“Draco said she was biased against Gryffindors and was fond of behaviour correction using a blood quill which I have no issues with," Lucius shrugged, "However, her decrees were absurd and she did rather get carried away with herself during her time as Headmistress.”
“I see,” Voldemort mused. “Perhaps we could give the witch some power with clear boundaries? I am intrigued by her supposed viciousness.”
“If we must my Lord.” Severus muttered, “I'd still prefer to try new potions or curses on the witch.”
“Patience, my friend, patience.” he soothed. “Perhaps one to two a month. Just don't kill the witch, not yet. I feel like we can use her.”
“Very well,” Severus murmured, looking close to pleased.
“Now, I had been pondering something this morning.”
“Oh?” Lucius murmured.
“I realised we were perhaps overzealous with our stance on all muggleborns.” Two sets of eyebrows rose sharply. “I am told young Miss Granger is unquestionably intelligent. Is there a chance she is related to an old family?”
“I ah… perhaps.” Severus hedged.
“Wonderful!" he looked horrifyingly pleased. "I'm sure she must be. Do check, we can't explain her otherwise. And then of course we should begin attempting to entice her to our side. Not Draco obviously based on what he's said to the witch.” Lucius tensed. “Not that he was wrong at the time.” Lucius let out a relieved breath. “What about Thoros’ boy? Or one of the elder ones. The Pucey boy? Witches like male attention do they not?”
“I wouldn't like to rule either out…both are intriguing choices. Perhaps the suggestion would be better coming from you, my Lord?” Severus murmured.
The Dark Lord's face twisted into a nightmare inducing smile. “See! The plans that can be made when you're free from constraint! I think this might be my best one yet.”
“Of course, my Lord.” Severus agreed blandly, trying to ignore the inappropriate urge to laugh. He almost wanted to see young Theo Nott attempt to woo Hermione Granger. It would be hilarious. She’d hex him. And that would be entertaining. Teaching was fucking boring most of the time and that particular witch was vindictive. He couldn't wait to see what she came up with. Theo in a jar perhaps? Although she’d done that already, she didn't tend to repeat punishment. He was almost giddy with anticipation. Perhaps this pants thing had merit. Not in the way the Dark Lord intended but if the ideas that came from this brightened his day he wasn't going to argue.
“Now I had wondered about a rebrand.”
“A rebrand my Lord?” Lucius queried, sounding bewildered.
“Yes. Death Eater sounds rather juvenile. Perhaps something more grown up?”
“Such as my Lord?” Lucius asked hesitantly.
“Oh, I don't know. But did you know a group of snakes is called a slither?”
“Ah yes, my Lord.”
“Hmmmm the Slither-ers?” he suggested sounding completely serious.
“I ah….perhaps, my Lord.”
“Or the Gaunt-lets. Get it?”
“Very good, my Lord.” Severus silently applauded Lucius’ ability to keep sounding like he thought these were good ideas. That was a skill. He was far too close to laughing to risk opening his mouth.
“Perhaps not terrifying enough,” the Dark Lord mused. “The Inferi? People are scared of them.”
“Whatever you think my Lord,” Lucius murmured, hoping this was over soon. He was cold, for Merlin's sake! And this was patently ridiculous. The Dark Lord should not be in charge of naming anything! The Slither-ers! Sweet Mother of Circe.
"Oh! The Darkness! I like that one."
Lucius blinked. "Creative, my Lord."
“Something to decide properly during my next session, I think” the Dark Lord dismissed. “I urge you to think too.”
“Of course my Lord.” Lucius agreed without missing a beat. He even managed to sound as if he wasn't lying.
“Perhaps invite Narcissa," the Dark Lord advised. "Perhaps she’ll also find time in just her pants inspiring.”
“I’m sure she would, my Lord,” Lucius replied sounding strangled. Severus had to duck his head for a moment to get his face back under control. There would be no brainstorming if Narcissa was prancing around the manor in just her knickers, he was sure.
“Well then gentlemen, I’ll let you go about your day. Do send Thoros and Malcolm Pucey my way please.”
Of course my Lord,” they murmured, standing as quickly as was seemly, bolting from the room without getting re-dressed.
Once they were a safe distance away, Lucius turned to him looking horrified. “What the fuck just happened?”
“I'm not sure.” Severus mused. “I can't decide whether if I adopt the practice whether it would keep Albus away or entice him to visit more."
Lucius snorted loudly, “What a horrifying thought.”
“Quite.” A slow smile travelled across Severus’ face. “The Gaunt-lets….”
“Sweet Merlin.” Lucius groaned, “Topped only by the Slither-ers. What on Earth was he thinking?”
Utterly at a loss of how to answer that, Severus did the only thing he could and changed the subject. “How do you think Thoros and Malcolm are going to take their new orders?”
“Oh sweet Salazar they're going to be incandescent. Do you truly think the Granger girl is related to a prominent family?”
“No,” Severus snorted, “But I'm not stupid enough to tell him that. Merlin's balls. I can't wait to see young Mr Nott attempting to entice the witch. She’ll see through him in seconds which is bound to be entertaining.”
Lucius snorted, “Yes well, his fondness for Mr Zabini won't help.”
“A fondness which is returned.” Severus pulled a face, “Enthusiastically. There is no way the witch isn't aware. There cannot be a person in the entire school who isn't aware.”
“Does Thoros know?”
“Don't be absurd Lucius!" Severus scoffed, "Of course, he does not! Even if they were fornicating in front of him, he'd think it was wresting. Boys being boys and all that rot.”
Lucius turned an alarming shade of red as he choked on a laugh. “Which means he's going to agree and young Mr Nott is either going to be cursed or be forced to throw himself at the witch's mercy,” he gasped.
“Which will be entertaining all on its own,” Severus mused, “Although she’ll help. Bloody bleeding heart.”
“Until the Dark Lord requested an audience.”
Severus froze in horror, turning that over inside his head before deciding that actually, he'd probably pay good money to witness that. “Merlin I hope he's in his pants when he does. It might shut her up for five minutes.”
Lucius snorted loudly, “Can you imagine? I don't know which of them would survive that meeting.”
“My money would be on a scandalised Miss Granger.” Severus mused with a slightly wicked smirk. “Perhaps we should encourage it, save us all some time.”
Lucius shook his head, trying not to laugh. “Well, it would appear we’ve gotten far too comfortable, old friend. Promise me next time you visit you’ll keep your robes on?”
With an eye roll, Severus headed to the nearest floo, still in nothing more than his boxers. “I make no promises. I think I rather like the breeze,” he mused with a grin as disappeared in a whirl of green flames.