Not quite dying
Severus’ eyes widened as someone walked into the shack. He was dying for fucks sake, couldn't they just let him die in peace? The wonder trio had left him and he’d finally thought he was getting what he always wanted. Of course, that was never how his life worked, he wasn’t even allowed to die without someone interrupting.
Death eyed the man in front of him and sighed, this had not been the plan. He waited, watching patiently until he took his last breath, his soul appearing in front of him.
“How nice of you to finally join me,” Death muttered, “Not that you were supposed to fucking join me for at least another gods be damned century!”
Severus blinked, “Pardon?”
“You! You were not meant to die! Not yet. I realise it's partly our fault, it's why I stepped in. This.” he gestured towards Severus, “Is beneath my pay grade!”
“I’m sorry?” he hedged.
“Good! You should be!” Death exclaimed emphatically, “Throwing away a perfectly good life! And make no mistake, Severus Snape it was meant to be good!”
“Well, it wasn't,” Severus muttered mulishly.
Death eyed him balefully before he sighed. “No. I am aware. Unfortunately, we managed to kill off your soulmate accidentally…ah…twice.”
Severus blinked, “My what?”
Death waved their hand carelessly, “Soulmate. She died of dragon pox the first time at three, and we got her rebooted and back on earth for you after a couple of years but we ah…might have managed to miss her being hit by the knight bus the second time. Of course this time, she managed to survive, which is impressive all things considered but the age gap was a bit of an issue for you.”
“Age gap?” Severus repeated dumbly. If he couldn't see his own body beneath them, having felt the excruciating pain when that damned snake had ripped a hole in his neck, he might consider that he’d been given something wonderfully hallucinogenic.
“Yes, yes keep up!” Death replied impatiently, “We ended up with a nineteen year age gap because Haniel and Cassiel were arguing and ah…forgot to send her back. Which is why I stepped in. Of course, I was so damn busy keeping my eye on her that we apparently forgot about you!” he glared at Severus. “You’re both making my job rather difficult you know? Have you any idea how many times both of you have almost died!”
“I can't say I do,” Severus admitted.
“It's absurd!” Death ranted, “You I can almost understand! But her! Mother of God, she was almost worse!”
“I feel like I should apologise on her behalf,” Severus muttered.
“Perhaps you should, she's the perfect complement to you, so it must be at least partly your fault! Although having watched her for her entire life, I can't quite imagine the witch apologising for you. I’m relatively certain she’d make you apologise for yourself.”
“Do I get to ask who she is?” Severus asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.
Death sighed, “The fact you couldn't feel it says an awful lot,” he muttered. “Although… nineteen years to you lot is quite significant isn't it?”
“Ah yes,” Severus agreed with a shudder, “She had to have been a student.”
“She was yes, not now, obviously.” Death waved him off, “It's nothing for our lot, but I can see how it would be uncomfortable for you. Now, what are we going to do?”
“Do?” Severus checked.
“Yes well, it's technically our error and despite being relatively high up the proverbial food chain, I am not actually at the top...”
“You're not?” Severus interrupted.
“Oh no, I’ve still two bosses.”
“Right,” he muttered wondering who on earth could be higher than the damn Grim Reaper, “Who…who is above ah…you?”
“Well, the powers that be of course! You call them all sorts of things here, all those different ways to worship them, but I’ll let you in on a secret…they’re all really praying to the same thing. They don't mind, they find it rather amusing, truth be told. The human race is so creative, they rather enjoy seeing what they come up with next. And of course, there's the other boss,” Death looked down pointedly, “He’ll be getting quite a few new roommates after today, let me tell you!”
“Right,” Severus muttered, “And when will I be moving in?”
Death snorted, “Not quite just yet I don't think. Which brings us nicely to my question from before. What are we going to do?”
“You're asking me?” Severus checked incredulously.
“Og course I’m not,” Death scoffed, “What good would that do me? I just happen to think better out loud.”
“Right,” Severus muttered, drawing out the word slowly.
“The way I see it, we have ah…a few options,” Death announced, pinning him with a look that quite clearly said pay attention. “Option one, I fix that gaping wound on your neck and shove your soul back in. I can of course, but it leaves us with the issue of you getting over yourself enough to deal with the age gap. Option two, I let the witch get herself killed off shortly, and she will because she appears to have no sense of self-preservation and we reincarnate you together. Again. Option three, I can technically shove you into the body of someone else. Which could be amusing and definitely deals with the age gap issues…is there some way you’d prefer to look?”
Severus spluttered, “I can't just take over someone else's body!”
“Why not?” Death asked sounding genuinely confused.
“Surely it's unethical!” he protested.
“What if they're going to die anyway? Oh! Oh, I know!” he clapped his hands excitedly, his scythe wobbling in a slightly threatening manner. “I can send you into someone else's body that's already died! It’d be a miracle!”
“But…surely they’d have family…friends who might notice some changes!” Severus spluttered. Who knew Death was so excitable?
“Meh,” Death waved him off, “We could re-calibrate you….merge two souls…Oh, I like that one! We could merge two souls and then you'd get your soulmate, they'd get to live and no one would be any the wiser. What do you think?”
“I think it sounds insane!” he hissed.
“All the best plans are!” Death dismissed. “I think it's our best bet. I've worked exceedingly hard to keep your witch alive, especially lately, I’m not undoing all that hard work by killing her off now. You're never going to get over yourself enough to accept a recent student and you are unfortunately right about people noticing that you're not acting like the person you're inhabiting. Now… let's go have a look at the dead and see which one you like best.”
“What? No! I’m not going to look at bodies like I'm fucking shopping!”
“Why not? You're going to have to live in it!”
“Can't I just die?” he begged.
“What? No absolutely not! Your witch deserves her soul mate, she's worked exceptionally hard, I’ve worked exceptionally hard. And if you die now, you’ll go that way, “He looked down pointedly, “And he gets cranky if we try and reincarnate his souls before he's had them five centuries and I refuse to wait that long to sort this mess. Now. Have a look. Pick one or I’ll pick it for you and you’ll be stuck with it.
Severus groaned, running his eyes along the alarming rows of bodies, not at all sure how to feel at the sight of Lupin. “That one was rather sad,” Death mused quietly, seeing his gaze land. “I’m glad they went together. Although their poor little boy. At least he’ll have an overbearing family to help him through it. You’ll be part of it you know.”
“I will?” he asked incredulously.
“Oh yes. She doesn't know it yet but his grandmother will eventually ask your witch to be godmother because she’ll spend an inordinate amount of time there to get away from the madness of elsewhere.”
“Right,” he muttered.
“Oh, I like this one!” Death exclaimed, stopping in front of a body, “I was rather sad to see this one go. Let's get him back!”
Before Severus could so much as blink he felt himself shoved into the smallest box possible ensuring he combined with the soul occupying it with him. It was a rather bizarre experience, the feeling of someone else's personality merging with his own. Not unpleasant exactly but a...filling in of gaps that he hadn't been aware he had. “Don't forget to ask for Hermine,” Death instructed sternly, "she's about here somewhere. Keep an eye on her, her best friend's about to do something monumentally stupid and I need to step in.” At that, he grabbed the soul's arm and shoved it back into the body he'd chosen, a pleased smile on his face.
George startled when he heard the faint beating of the heart underneath his ear. Scrambling into a sitting position, he stared back at his formally dead twin, wishing Percy was here to tell him whether or not he was going mad. “Freddie?” he hedged.
Dark brown eyes that looked completely different to his brothers opened and stared back at him before the smirk that was all Fred appeared on his face.
“Forge!” he wheezed, “Fuck it hurts.”
“Madam Pomfrey!” George screamed, startling the entirety of the Great Hall, and sending the mediwitch running.
“Mr Weasely! What is it?” she demanded, holding a sobbing George by the shoulders
“Poppy!” Fred exclaimed in a voice deeper than his own.
“Mother of Merlin!” she breathed, “How…how on earth!”
“I don't know,” Fred lied as Poppy's wand scanned him from head to toe.
“You're…youre fine,” she replied incredulously. “Bruised ribs, some abrasions….but…fine.”
He let out a squeak when George threw himself at him. “Let me breathe!” he demanded, his voice sounding strangely reminiscent of Professor Snape's. George drew back to look at him as he continued, “And let's never tell mum you thought I was dead.”
“Why did he think you were dead!” Molly demanded, striding up to him, followed by the rest of their family. Percy looked like he'd seen a ghost. “Percy said you were…” she let out a sob, “He said you weren't breathing.”
“I seem to be breathing just fine, Mum,” he soothed, his eyes scanning the room as he remembered Deaths parting shot.
He felt it the moment she walked into the room, bloody, dirty and far too thin, just the sight of her filled him with a hope he hadn't felt in years. “Hermione,” he murmured.
George hit his shoulder, “Finally intending to tell us all then!” he demanded.
“Apparently, “Fred agreed as she came barrelling into him, knocking the wind from him. Somewhere a tiny part of Severus Snape groaned in defeat as it hit him he was stuck with Fred Weasely and Hermione Granger for at least the next century. He'd be having words with Death the next fucking time he saw him!
Death smirked, watching them fondly. They were well matched, the three of them. Not that they’d been stupid enough to tell Severus that. Perhaps a century of living with a prankster would soften him up for his next lifetime, it definitely beat the fires of hell. And maybe next time, the three of them wouldn't give them so much damn trouble. With another fond look, he took off to ensure Harry Potter didn't do anything more stupid than normal. That was another one he was looking forward to handing back to his guardian. Standing in front of a spell meant to kill you! Honestly! Did none of them care that he was drowning in paperwork! He was going to be chained to his desk for the next month documenting this mess!