Gaius
“Are you sure, darling?” Dorcas fussed as Hermione prepared to leave. “You could stay with us while Neville’s away with Professor Sprout.”
“Mum! I'm fine. I’ve still at least another three months and I have work! I don't need to move back in with you and Daddy just because Neville's away.”
“But I worry….” Dorcas trailed off with a frown.
Hermione sighed, before hugging her mother, “Mum, I’ll send you a copy of my shifts and check-in, ok? But I’m not moving back in.”
Dorcas sighed turning to look at him pleadingly. Severus immediately held up his hands, “Don't look at me. I’m not getting involved in this, whatever I say one of you will hex me.”
Hermione snorted, “At least I can blame it on hormones.”
Severus rolled his eyes, pinning his daughter with a look, “Because you were so even-tempered before?” he asked wryly.
“I’m told that's your influence,” she shot back, before hugging him, “Bye, Daddy. I know she's worried but try and talk Mum down before I move to Australia and block the floo just for some peace?”
He snorted, “The only thing I can promise you is to hunt you down if you dared try. We both know your mother is not currently rational.”
Hermione groaned, “I know,” she muttered, “I’ll floo tomorrow Mum, I’m on shift until eight.”
As they watched their daughter disappear home, Severus sighed, wrapping his arms around his wife. “She is going to be fine. She is healthy, the baby is healthy, nothing is going to happen.”
“But what if….”
“Cassie,” he stopped her, “It's not the same.”
Dorcas slumped into him, “I know but I…I worry.”
“We know. Hermione knows, it's the only reason she hasn't hexed you.”
His wife let out a laugh that ended with a sob, making him tighten his arms around her. “I’ve been a fucking nightmare haven't I?”
“Yes,” he replied bluntly.
“How are you so calm?” she asked softly.
“I’m not. Not really but I…I can't think of him and compare that pregnancy to this one or I’ll go insane.” he replied finally.
“Do you ever wonder what he’d be like?” she asked barely above a whisper.
“All the time,” he confessed softly. “I wonder if he’d be like me or you. If we’d still have had Hermione, how she’d have been with a big brother to add into the mix. I wonder what he’d have become, if we’d already be grandparents or if Sirius’ influence would have gotten to him and he’d be making us grey working his way through the entirety of the country.”
“I miss him.” Dorcas whispered, “But…we wouldn't have had Hermione, would we? And that's unthinkable.”
“Probably not,” he agreed, his heart twisting at the thought. “Narcissa mentioned maybe doing something on his birthday. I know you said you never wanted to….but…”
“But I’m acting like a lunatic because our daughter is pregnant.”
“You're not acting like a lunatic Cass,” he disagreed, “Losing Gaius was horrific and it's natural to be worried because our daughter is at the same gestation as you were. But…you were so ill, love, so, so ill. And Hermione is not. I think the only damn thing that's changed for her is that she can't see her own feet properly.”
Dorcas gave a small huff of laughter. “I know. Logically…I know. But Severus, I couldn't bear for her to face the pain of losing her child. Of holding them, knowing they're too small, that you won't get to take them home. Knowing that you let them down.”
“You did not let him down!” Severus hissed, pulling her back sharply to look at him. “It was…utterly horrific and cruel but it was not your fault! None of it!”
“It was my body that didn't work,” she replied softly.
“No! No absolutely not! It was not your damn fault, Dorcas, it was not!” he paused scanning her face, before pleading, “Please, please tell me you believe me?”
She sighed, her head connecting with his chest, “I want to.” she replied finally.
Knowing it was the best he was going to get for the night Severus silently decided to speak to Lily and Narcissa, perhaps they would have better luck.
He found himself in front of a tiny white headstone the next day, not sure what he was hoping to gain by visiting. He hated this place, and he could count on one hand the number of times he'd visited. His son wasn't here. He didn't need a headstone bearing his name to talk to him, he spoke to him whenever he felt the need. But here he was for reasons he wasn't sure of, staring at the black font that spelt out his son's name, date of birth and the date of his death. It was simple, completely unadorned, neither he nor Dorcas able to make any significant decisions when they were too consumed with grief to function.
“I don't know why I'm here,” he said out loud, his voice startling in the silence of the graveyard. “I…your sister is pregnant. They didn't want to know what they were having so it's a surprise. She's never said it but I...I think she couldn't bear to be told it was a boy and increase your mother's fears for her. She's…good like that, Hermione. Even though your mother is driving her demented, she's keeping her calm because she knows how hard this is. I…I don't think I realised how hard this would be. She's..the baby she's carrying is the same age now as you were when you were born. I’m almost scared to think of it. Gods you were so, so small and fragile. And I…I loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I’d have given anything to keep you, you know?” he let out a harsh breath, saying out loud the words he’d been unable to give voice to before. “I’m scared.” he whispered, “I’m scared that something will happen. That we’ll be forced to face that nightmare again, only it would be worse, almost, because as much as it would hurt us, Hermione would be broken, her pain would be far more than ours ever could be. And we’d know and be unable to fix it because we lived it and know it can't ever be fixed. That's not something anyone wants for their child. And I can't say any of this out loud because Merlin knows it might just tip your mother over the edge. She misses you you know. She talks about you all the time, Hermione knew who you were before the ink was dry on the adoption papers. And it's…hard because we wouldn't have her if we hadn't lost you. And that's unthinkable but…I wish I could have had you both. And I…”
He jumped slightly when someone cleared their throat behind him. “Hermione comes here often, did you know that?”
Severus frowned at Sirius. “No,” he replied softly, his eyes drawn to the little bouquet of flowers that he only now realised were fresh.
“She…she comes and she talks about what she's been up to, she tells him about you and Cassie and everyone else and she…keeps it neat and brings him flowers because she's always known that you both find being here hard. She didn't want to make that worse by everything being unkempt if you ever decided to visit.”
“Fuck,” Severus hissed, trying to tamp down the sting in his eyes.
“It's…oh Merlin I’m not good at this, I have no idea why Hermione didn't send someone else.”
“Hermione sent you?” Severus checked.
“She thought you’d come today, she's always known that you hurt as much as Cass, you just hide it better. And while she thought it was best for you not to be alone, I can go. I just… it's ok to miss him. It's ok to be scared, Merlin knows the rest of us are so I can't imagine how it is for you and Cass.”
“You are?” he asked incredulously.
“Yes. I remember how…broken you both were after Gaius died.” Sirius replied softly, his eyes on the headstone, “I remember every loss Cissa and Luc had. It's not the same but I…I remember how heartbroken Reggie was when family appeared to reclaim the child he’d been seriously considering adopting. He was… devastated for a while, he still mentions that little girl now.”
“I know,” Severus murmured.
“I just…I know we don't do shit like this but…you are not alone and you don't always have to be the one holding everyone together. We’re here when you need us. Now…I’ll ah, leave you to your chat.”
Severus closed his eyes and let the tears fall when he heard the pop that indicated Sirius had let him. Several minutes later, feeling wrung out but strangely better, he conjured a tiny bouquet of gardenia and set them next to Hermione's, forget me not's.
“Mum!” Hermione's panicked voice sounded from the floo almost three months later. Both Severus and Dorcis’ heads snapped up, “Yes, sweetheart.”
Instead of answering Hermione gave a low groan that send a spike of fear shooting through him. “Hermione?” Dorcas tried, watching with wide eyes as her daughter's head disappeared and their son-in-law's took her place, “We’re going to St Mungo's. The contractions are three minutes apart and oh fuck. I'm not ready for this.”
Dorcas turned pale before she squared her shoulders, “No one is,” she replied briskly, “I’ll meet you there.”
Severus stood frozen as silence fell heavily. “What do I do?” he asked finally, sounding lost to his own ears as Dorcas summed shoes and her cloak.
“You stay here," she commanded, "I’ll contact you once the baby's here.”
“I can't stay here!” he hissed. “I can't I need to…”
Ignoring him Dorcas shoved her head back into the floo, talking to someone before she disappeared.
Several minutes later, Lucius and Regulus exited the floo. “We’ve been summoned to keep you from doing anything ridiculous,” Lucius informed him sitting down.
“Ridiculous,” Severus spluttered, “I wasn't going….”
Regulus arched a brow knowingly, “Of course, you weren't.”
“I…I don't know what to do!” he admitted, hating himself slightly for showing such weakness.
Lucius rolled his eyes, “Nothing, you don't need to do anything. Hermione is the one doing all the work, you need to sit here, drink some firewhisky and wait until you're summoned.”
“What if something goes wrong?” Severus whispered.
Both Lucius and regulus paled, neither needing the reminder of the devastating effects of the time it had all gone wrong. “It won't,” Regulus assured him, sounding confident.
“But what if it does?”
“Then…then we will help them deal with it. All of us.” Lucius said finally, “But it won't. It's not the same, you know it is not, you've spent months telling Cassie just that!”
“Because she needed to hear it!” Severus shouted “But..but the thought of my baby…feeling all of that, of it happening again…I can't…”
“It won't happen. It won't!” Regulus insisted as if he could make it so just by declaring it. “If nothing else, Hermione is only two weeks off full term. Both she and the baby are healthy. It's not the same situation and you know it.”
“Have a drink. You can check in with Cassie in a couple of hours.” Lucius commanded, shoving a glass into his hands.
They’d all fallen asleep eventually, the tension in the room thick as they waited on news. With every hour that passed, the fear grew. He knew it was irrational, but he wasn't sure how to talk himself down. Women died in childbirth. It was rare, but it happened. The thought of having to bury his baby again made him want to vomit. When he had voiced that, Lucius had opened another bottle.
He groaned when he registered someone calling his name, his head pounding as he tried to convince his eyes to unglue themselves and open. His wife was standing in front of him tears pouring down her cheeks and his heart seized.
“Cassie?” he rasped, ignoring the potion she was trying to hand him, needing to know that his daughter and grandchild were ok.
“Take the potion Severus you look like shit,” she commanded.
He took it quickly, shuddering as he felt the magic run through him. “Well?”
“A healthy baby boy,” Dorcas sobbed finally, “They're both fine. Alice is in with them just now. Go and have a shower, she's asking for you.”
She gave a startled squeak that roused Lucius when he lunged at her and hugged her tightly, not quite able to put into words how relieved he was.
“What?” Lucius asked, clearly trying to wake up, “Cassie?”
“Cassie?” Regulus gasped, shooting up in his seat.
“It's a boy,” Cassie beamed, wriggling out of his hold, still crying. “Oh oh, gods he's perfect.”
“And Hermione?” Regulus ventured.
“Tired. Absolutely fucking exhausted truth be told, but she's fine.”
“Thank the gods,” Lucius muttered. “I’ll go and tell Cissa, you’ll let us know when we can visit?”
“Of course.” Cassie agreed hugging him. “Thank you for…well I'd say keeping him calm but I gather you just got him drunk.”
“It worked didn't it?” Lulus retorted.
She snorted, “We’ll he didn't storm the hospital, so I suppose it did.”
“I’ll let everyone else, know,” Regulus smiled, kissing Cassie's cheek. “Gods, congratulations, you're bloody grandparents!”
Twenty minutes later, with increasing apprehension, Severus stalked down the corridors of St Mungos, stopping dead in front of the door he knew belonged to his daughter. Taking a deep breath and squaring his shoulders, he opened it softly, his eyes immediately going to the bed where Hermione was propped up against pillows, a tiny creature in a blue babygrow lying against her bent knees. She was staring at him with a look of utter awe on her face.
He cleared his throat gently, not really wanting to disturb the peace of the moment. “Well done my girl.” he smiled, creeping closer. His wife was right, he was utterly perfect.
“Daddy,” Hermione smiled, reaching for him as he ran one finger down the petal soft cheek of his grandson before carefully wrapping his arms around her.
“Where is your husband?”
She grimaced, “He was going to get his fingers healed and then home for a change of clothes, they won't let him shower here.”
“Ah,” Severus smirked, “I see.”
“Do you want to hold him?”
“Yes.” he whispered, praying he remembered what to do as she handed him the tiny boy, “Does he have a name?”
Hermione hesitated. “Yes. Ezra. Ezra Gaius Longbottom.” she smiled slightly when his startled eyes met hers.
With something close to a sob, he manoeuvred his grandson into one arm and wrapped the other one around his daughter. “Thank you,” he whispered, his eyes on the boy that finally granted him some peace, proving beyond a doubt the first of his boys to bear that name would never be forgotten by those who loved him.