James rounded the corner, heading towards the Room of Requirement. The christmas holidays had just passed and they were back at school, so seeing Regulus was something he was both dreading and excited about.
Walburga and Orion has started to be a lot more violent. Sirius had left about a year ago, meaning the rules and expectations were a lot stricter. And of course, Regulus had to take all of those on.
He missed him, of course he did, but he didn't want to find any new bruises or scars on his lover. It was just too much for both of them.
He found the door and walked in, finding Regulus already there, curled up on the couch crying.
He knew then something was deeply wrong. And his heart plummeted.
"Love, what's wrong?" He said as he knelt beside the couch.
Regulus didn't answer him, only shook his head and buried deeper into the pillows.
James didn't know what to do. It seemed out of his control. He knew how to calm him down normally, but this time, he really didn't. And looking at Regulus, god, he swore he felt his heart start bleeding.
All too soon, he was crying too. His chest heaving with sobs as he curled up next to Regulus, hiding his face in his shoulder.
They stayed like that for a while, until they're breathing started evening out.
"Ja-James I have something I need to show you." Regulus managed to say. It sounded like he had put a lot of effort into not backing out of it.
"What?" James sat up and the both of them sat next to eachother, bodies turned so they could still see what the other was doing.
Then Regulus raised his sleeve.
And James' world came crashing down.
He didn't know what to do, he couldn't save Regulus. He couldn't do anything. Regulus clearly didn't want to be saved, he clearly didn't care. And that mark just showed him that James would never be more important than Regulus' parents. It almost felt like Regulus didn't even love him. Didn't even care.
"James please say something please." Regulus said, tears running down his face silently.
James raised his hand to his face and found that, he too, was crying.
He didn't know what to say. He didn't...what could anyone say in this situation?
"James please. Say something anything."
James looked up to Regulus and felt like slapping him. Felt like punching him until his own hand was broken. He never thought he would think that way about Regulus. About the man he loved more than life. But he wanted to, godric he really wanted to.
And the next thing he knew, he had done.
He felt like he had just opened his eyes when he found that he was straddling Regulus and punching him like his life depended on it.
The guilt rose in his throat and he rushed to the corner to puke. What had he just done? Why had he even done it?
He knew Regulus didn't deserve that, no matter what he did or how angry James himself was. And he knew that that was unredeemable. He knew that that had hurt Regulus more than anything James could've said.
He finished throwing up and collapsed back onto the couch, feeling everything and nothing all at once. He turned his head to find himself looking into the eyes of his boyfriend. Or ex boyfriend.
"I'm sorry, Reg. I dont-I don't know why I just did that."
"No I get it. I know why."
"You just- You- Fuck Regulus why?"
"I didn't have a choice."
"Yes you did! You have me and you know you could've ran to me! I gave you an out!"
James was overcome by sobs. And for the second time that night, he curled up and cried. Cried about everything, how unfair it was and how horrible it was. And how much he loved the man who just betrayed him.
"James I'm sorry! I'm really sorry okay Im sorry!"
"No you're not! If you were, you wouldn't have fucking done it in the first place!"
"I am, I'm really sorry. Darling, I'm beyond sorry."
"Don't- don't fucking call me darling right now. Just come back with me! Go to mine, if you're really sorry. If you're really sorry come with me back to mine! Stay there forever with me."
"I cant. I cant James you know that."
"You can! You fucking can! No one will find you! No one will hurt you, you won't kill innocent fucking people and we'll be safe and happy. Just come with me please!"
"James no."
James crawled of the couch and, on his knees, he begged Regulus. In every way possible. He clung onto his trousers and he begged. He begged and he sobbed and he clung to him.
And Regulus crumbled down to his knees and hugged the other boy. He hugged him knowing it would be their last, with James still pleading with him.
And then Regulus kissed the top of his head, detached himself from James, and promptly left.
James sobbed by himself for hours on end, overcome with the grief and the guilt that washed over him like a wave. He felt like he was drowning in it and he knew that Regulus felt the same.
Their owl came in through the window, dropping the newspaper onto James' lap, just narrowly avoiding the cornflakes in his bowl.
Dumbledore had said that it was important to read the newspapers in these times. He never really understood why but he had to trust the old man. He was going to be the one to get them out of this war.
He started reading, more disappearances, nothing out of the usual these days. It was so scary recently, he didn't even leave the house unless it was for a mission.
Something caught his eye on the last page. Regulus. His picture was there. Oh god fuck. Please no.
Regulus Black, heir of the Black Family, confirmed dead at 18.
He clutched the table, his eyes blurry. Fuck. Hes lost him again. Hes lost him forever. He cant ever find him again.
Before he knew what had happened he was on the floor, stamping his feet like he was a toddler. He heard a scream and it took him a second to realise it was coming from him. How was Regulus going even doing this to him in death?
Lily ran down the stairs, running to him. She grabbed him and hugged him, taking the newspaper out of his hands and finding what had obviously upset him.
"James why are you crying? Its only Regulus."
That was a mistake. A big mistake. Because another scream ripped out of his throat and he scratched the walls with his short nails.
"I'm getting Sirius okay Im getting Sirius."
He didn't know anything else but soon Sirius was wrapping his arms around him. He could tell that Sirius was confused but he didn't have the oxygen to tell him why he was sobbing on the floor.
"James I'm gonna need you to breathe okay. In for four, out for four okay."
James sat himself up and wiped away his eyes, focusing on how he was breathing. It was still very shakey and he was still crying but he could breathe more now. He needed to not think about Regulus, just for a minute because if he did, he'd start sobbing again and he knew that this time he wouldn't be able to recover from it.
"Okay Prongs, tell me why this happened. Just keep breathing while you do."
James took a deep breathe before explaining, "I- um fuck Reg- Regulus and I dated. We dated and he broke my heart when he got that fucking death eater mark and chose them over me and now he's fucking dead! I loved him so much, I still fucking do! I can't, Merlin I can't I need him back! I need him back with me please Sirius bring him back."
By the end it was turning into screams and Sirius just held him. He just held him and he knew what he felt like. He knew how much it hurt that Regulus chose his family. He knew and even though he was trying to come to terms with Regulus' death, he knew that he had to be there for James.
"Bring him back! Bring him back Sirius please. I need him! I need him please. Please Sirius please."
"I cant, I'm sorry."
"Thats what he fucking said when he showed me. I begged for him to stay with me, I fucking begged Sirius! On my fucking knees, I begged!"
"I know, I know James."
"Just please I need him."
"I know you do. I know. But he's, hes dead James. He cant come back."
James sobbed and sobbed and sobbed until he couldn't anymore. And by the end, he had worn himself out so much that he fell asleep against Sirius as he cradled him.