how's one to know?
I'd meet you where the spirit meets the bone
in a faith forgotten land
The common room is full of people, a party taking place after Gryffindor's winning of the quidditch match, Marlene was celebrating with the rest of the team, watching as Alice and Frank dance in the middle of the room not caring about whether anyone is watching, in their own little world.
Lily stands with her boyfriend, Benjy, a fellow sixth year in ravenclaw and Marlene watches them, unable to see how Lily doesn't realise how wrong she has it. How does she not see that by the corner is James Potter watching her, looking at her as if she holds the answers to every question, he looks at her like she is everything. Looks at her as if he loves her because he does, he loves her so furiously and heartily that is hurts, hurts because her friends are two wonderful people that deserve each other, and hurts because she wants someone to look at her like that. She wants one particular person to look at her like that.
◦•●◉●•◦
oh god seems to be the only words her brain can process. She feels like she is going to be sick, both because of the hangover she has,
and also because she kissed Dorcas last night.
Dorcas, her best friend and favourite person
Dorcas, the girl who she has managed to have fallen for over the last couple of years
Dorcas, who didn't kiss her back, who looked at her with shock, who hadn't said anything.
who had ran away straight after.
"hey you alright Marls?" She looks up to see Lily, hovering by her bed with a concerned look in her emerald eyes, and she wants to cry.
which is stupid, because she knew, deep down she knew that Dorcas wouldn't like her back, probably didn't even like girls.
she shakes her head and Lily comes around, collecting her in her arms and resting her read on her shoulder. "you don't have to talk to me about it, let me just be there for you"
and they stay like that, sitting on Marlene's bed in silence.
And all she can think is oh god, oh god, oh god
what has she done?
◦•●◉●•◦
"want another drink?" It's Cresswell, a seventh year that has been showing interest in her for a few months, he hasn't gotten the hint to back off yet.
"no I'm good" But then she is watching Sirius drunkenly lean his head in Remus' lap as he threads his fingers through his hair, and Marlene is so tired of feeling so lonely, of all her friends finding each other or not finding each other but so clearly destined for one another. And she is never going to find that, she won't have a soulmate or a Frank or a Lily or a Remus and she's just so tired of it. "Actually changed my mind, could do with a drink"
and he's smirking and she doesn't like it, because it isn't hers. it isn't right
because it is meant to softer, it's meant to be two dimples on either side, it's meant to be two crooked front teeth, It's wrong because his eyes don't crinkle in the same way and his eyes aren't the right shade of brown, because they aren't hazel like James' or caramel like Remus' or nut brown like Mary's. they should be russet, with a orange-reddish tinge that turn lighter with laughter. His smile is too crooked and doesn't widen more on the left side.
And he's too tall, she doesn't want to look up at someone, she likes the way Dorcas' head fits the crook of her shoulder, she likes the fact that she has to lean down to be at eye level, the way Dorcas huffs and sighs when she teases her about her height. It's all wrong, Cresswell and any other person would be wrong because they wouldn't get her niche sense of humour or the fact that she needs a little of bit of light to sleep, not because she is afraid of the dark, but because her mum would always leave the door slightly ajar.
They wouldn't make her laugh so loudly, make water come out of her nose, they wouldn't make her feel as safe, as if their arms are home in a way nothing else is, they wouldn't make her feel like she could be herself in every way or get her every interest or understand her properly when she can't find the right words
She glances at Dorcas, shimmering in the field of people, she's the golden snitch, she's the stars and the moon and the sun. she has Marlene's heart and soul and being and she has the power to do what she wants with it.
to take it, to use it, to rip it, to break it
she just doesn't know.
◦•●◉●•◦
they don't talk at breakfast, Mary and Lily are left to fill the silence until they give up and get the marauders to join the conversation. Dorcas won't even look at her, moving her food across her plate with no intention of eating it.
She knew this would happen, she knew their friendship would never be the same, that Dorcas would turn awkward and uncomfortable around her.
it doesn't mean it doesn't fucking hurt, that it isn't a kick to the teeth, a punch to the gut
the feeling of her whole heart being squeezed and squashed, as if the entire world is weighing it down.
she can't be here, she can't sit opposite her best friend whilst they can't even stand to look in her eyes.
she's probably disgusted
maybe she's angry
Marlene doesn't want to think about it anymore.
She's out of her seat before she can even think on it, out of her seat and thinking of an excuse to leave.
her heart feels like it's in her throat, and her eyes are stinging
and oh god, what has she done.
she doesn't turn around to see if they watch her go, to see if this has earned the grace of having those russet eyes focused on her.
she does Dorcas the favour of moving seats in potions.
or does herself the favour, unable to watch her move instead
unable to bear watching her leave.
so she does it first.
◦•●◉●•◦
She can feel the alcohol pumping through her veins, she welcomes the harsh burn to her throat as she swallows it down, she enjoys the fuzziness in her head.
she watches Dorcas, like a moth to a flame and begins the trek to where she sits, relaxed in an armchair, it feels like seconds, minutes, hours, years.
"there you are! haven't seen you all night, alright Marls?"
she's radiant, hair tousled and messy, eyes glossy and sparkling brighter than the stars In the night sky.
Marlene is powerless in every sense of the word, powerless to the beating of her heart and the clamminess of her hands
powerless to the butterflies that swarm her stomach and muddle her brain.
powerless in stopping the words from jumbling out of her mouth, spoken in truth and awe-like wonder
"you're beautiful' and Dorcas is beaming and flushing and hugging her
and they are close, so close
too close
not close enough
and her heart is beating in her chest, and the music is too loud and she can't think and
russet, russet, russet, those brown eyes staring at her, heads pressed so close
lips but a breath away
and her blue eyes are fluttering closed softly
and then lips meet lips.
and the music stops
and her mind clears
and all there is, and will ever be is Dorcas, Dorcas, Dorcas
whose soft lips open
whose hair that smells of cinnamon and pine trees run through her fingers
but then she is pulling away
away
away
and her eyes are open, and there is no crinkling, no dimples no shine
there is shock and and confusion and fear
fear
fear.
and Marlene stops, and she waits
always always helpless to do anything else but wait.
and she thinks maybe just maybe it will be ok; because she kissed her back
but then she is gone.
and Marlene isn't drunk enough to not feel the shattering of her heart
the sudden heaviness as reality sinks in
as panic sinks in
oh god.
◦•●◉●•◦
"so are we going to talk about what's going on, or are you going to continue wacking bludgers like they've done something to you?"
"fuck of potter"
"that's not very nice, I thought we were friends" and they are, and the next thing she knows they are sitting in the muddy field holding each other. "Marley what's wrong?"
"everything" It's been a week
a week
and they haven't said a word, they have barely even looked at each other
she's pretty sure Dorcas can't even bare to be in the same room as her.
and then she is telling James, because as sad as it is, they both know what it is like
to love someone with everything, and them not love you back.
for your love to be unrequited.
“You have to talk to her”
“ I know”
“And marley?”
“Hm”
“Whatever happens I’m here for you, and for the record you are a fucking gem, anyone would be lucky to have you”
◦•●◉●•◦
She’s clutching the toilet seat, Lily crouched down beside her, holding her hair as she throws up and cries.
The memory keeps playing in her head, over and over again
Her soft lips
Her laugh
“Alright marls?”
No she isn’t.
It was stupid, how could she have been so stupid . She knows she’s not making any sense
“What have I done, lily what I have done?”
“Sh it will be alright, I’ve got you marls, I’ve got you”
But she doesn’t know, and oh god, oh god, oh god.
What has she done?
◦•●◉●•◦
"Hey” she startles, not having heard Dorcas come up to her table in the common room. “Can we talk”
“Sure” but she can’t look at her, too scared she’ll do something stupid like kiss her again
“Alone?” Dorcas sounds so unsure, and it hurts all of this hurts because despite all of it, She is her best friend and she can’t lose that, she can’t lose her.
And then they are in the dormitory, standing on opposite sides and it’s so awkward.
So fucking awkward and she knows what she has to do
“Look Dorcs -see the thing is, you see” and she could lie and say that it meant nothing, that it was a mistake and she had been drunk but she doesn’t want to do that, not anymore. she takes a deep breath. “I am in love with you, I’ve been in love with you for god I don’t even remember a time where I didn’t love you in some way”
“Marls-“
“No wait please, just let me finish please?” And Docas is nodding her head “kissing you is something that I’ve been wanting to do for so long, because you are beautiful and amazing and caring and thoughtful and god your just so bloody fucking amazing, so amazing that it hurts, it physically hurts because I love you and it’s ok, truly it’s ok that you don’t love me back or want me or- or but I just needed to say it ok? Because you deserve to know that you weren’t a mistake or drunk kiss, that to me you are everything.” And she looks down, because she can’t bare to see the look on her face. The pity
“Marls. Malene, Marlene god please would you just look at me?” And then she is striding forward, looking so bloody beautiful it shouldn’t be allowed. “It’s just fuck, it’s a lot to take in ok? I need- I need time to process”
Her heart fucking aches.
“It’s just marls- none of this is what I thought- you’re my-“ she takes a deep breath “please just give me time”
“Yeah sure” and then she is turning, and oh god, oh god, oh god. She doesn’t want to cry, not here not now
“No wait-“ and Dorcas is pulling her back “ stop bloody running from me” and she has tears in her eyes and she looks so sad. She looks just as sad. “All week you’ve avoided me, I haven’t even been able to understand what’s going on because one minute you kiss me and the next you’ve moved in potions and you won’t even look at me at lunch and I have had no idea what to think. I don’t want to hurt you Marls”
“Then just say no now”
“What”
“Rip of the bandage now, if you don’t like me dorcs I really don’t want you taking days to think of the best way to let me down gently, you clearly don’t think of me that way so just say no now”
“I never said I didn’t think about you that way” and Marlene scoffs. “What! I never said that”
“Right sorry just the way you ran off at the time, the way you couldn’t even look at me after and the fact that it’s clear that you don’t have feelings for me by the fact you haven’t mentioned it, is enough to get the idea it isn’t reciprocated”
“Will you bloody just stop being so- so you for one second?”
“What the hell does that even mean?”
“It means your being so stubborn and set on the fact that I don’t like you, that you haven’t let me figure this out! I need time Marlene because i do like you, but I don’t love you and right now I’m trying to figure out if it’s worth it if it might break your heart in the long run” she sighs “I don’t want you to feel like it isn’t reciprocated because it is, fuck marls of course it is your my best friend, your literally my favourite person, but I don’t think I’m at the same level that you’re at”
“Oh” they both sit on her bed. Exhausted from the fighting.
“I ran away from the kiss because I was shocked, and i was an idiot because I wanted to kiss you marls but i thought you were drunk. I thought I would be taking advantage of you” Marlene snorts at that and then they are both laughing and hugging
“I missed you” and she rests her forehead against hers
“I’m missed you so much. And I- I’m not ready to tell you that I love you, but I fucking adore you and I would really love to try this.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah” and they’re grinning, and Marlene feels so much lighter and god she just “I really want to kiss you right now”
“I really want you to kiss me again, seeing as it got cut short last time”
And then they are colliding
And it’s unsure and hesitant and soft
But it’s beautiful and precious and careful
And it’s two best friends that mean the world to the other
And Marlene grins into the kiss, heart fluttering and butterflies swirling.
And it’s perfect