Chapter 6- The sun is also a star
December 24, 1975
8:20 A.M.
James felt really good today, things were good with him and Sirius again, it was Christmas Eve, and even though it was his first Christmas that he wouldn’t spend with his parents, he would at least be spending it with his friends, and he was still sending letters to ‘12 4 8’. James was actually reading a letter from them right now, on his bed. No one else was awake- he had made sure but still added a sealing spell on his curtains just in case. He didn’t really know why he was keeping this a secret from Moony, Sirius, and Pete, but it felt nice to have something that belonged to him, and him only. He finished the letter and re-read it,
First of all, why are you assuming they’re a ‘he’? I know you're trying to get something out of me, but this is not the way that you will. Second of all, you don’t have to feel sorry for me, I don't need pity, especially not from someone I don’t know. Third of all, why do you assume that just because one of us could potentially be slytherin and the other a gryffindor, that we would automatically hate each other? Are you that shallow?
About your friends, get over it. If they fight all the time, why are they still friends with each other? If you're in a toxic friend group then that's probably not really good for you and you should probably get out so you feel better. (Not that I care about how you feel)
Lastly, why are you talking about the Black brothers like you know them? Can you not see that there's more to them? Are you that much of an idiot?
Anyways, hope you feel better , Good Night,
-12 4 8
James let out a sigh, he couldn’t exactly tell how he felt, this letter felt… angrier, more personal for some reason, and James felt like it was maybe his fault for bringing up something in his previous letter. Or maybe ‘12 4 8’ had a bad day. Nevertheless, James started writing.
Alright, you seemed a little angry, and maybe it’s something I said, and if it is, I’m sorry and I hope you forgive me. (I know you don't like when I say sorry but I’m saying it anyways, sorry) However, don’t ever say my friends are toxic again, because they aren’t. Just because they are fighting once? Are youthat shallow? My bad for trying to make you feel better, I don’t even know why I try if you're just going to invalidate my feelings. I love my friends and they love me so no, I will not be changing friends groups, ever. Plus we're doing much better now, so, take that. Secondly…. Ok I may be kind of an idiot, but not about those this, yes the Black brothers have a lot of things to…. Work through, I guess, but that doesn’t mean that they can just ‘make up’ that fast, like you said, there’s more to them so obviously it’s not that easy.
Lastly, My bad for assuming they’re a he….. So does that mean that they’re a she? Are you a guy? Oh merlin I told you I would figure it out! Now I just need to figure out what house you’re in and I will be so close to finding out who you are!
I am feeling better 😉, hope you feel better as well,
Love,
1 2 3 ♡
James re-read his letter, he felt kind of bad, he had been a little mean, but ‘12 4 8’ had insulted his friends and James hated when people talked bad about his friends. Before he could second guess himself and re-write an entire letter, he folded it and dropped it in The basket.
James laid down on his bed, bringing up his hands to his hair, ruffling his hair. He stared up at the ceiling thinking. He felt a little sad, he missed his parents, and he wished he was at home, having his mum and dad englobe him in cookies and cakes and hot cocoa and love. He missed waking up to the smell of ginger bread and warm chocolate, he missed playing with his dad while christmas music was playing in the background, he missed laughing and making videos with his parents and opening presents by the fire, he missed making snow angels and snowmans and starting snowball fights with his parents, but he had promised Sirius he would stay with him this Chritsmas, so here he was. James had offered Sirius to come have Christmas with him and his parents, but he had said no, James wasn’t sure why, until he saw Regulus not go on the train to go home. Regulus and Sirius were always forced to go home during the holidays, with Regulus staying at Hogwarts, it was not a coincidence that Sirius wanted to stay as well.
After a couple of minutes, James forced himself to get out of bed, and wake up his friends.
He opened his curtains- after undoing the sealing spell- and went over to their record player- he knew just what to put to make wake up.
Dancing Queen by Abba started playing as James upped the volume and started opening curtains.
“Rise and shine everyone! It’s officially Christmas Eve and we all have a very long, long day ahead of us so let's all get up! Come on Pads, come on wormtail, let's go Moony up you go!” James opened up their curtains to let the sun shine through to wake them up.
“Prong shut the fuck up.”
“Nope! Come on Moony!”
James heard Remus groan in his pillow before he felt a pillow hit him in the back of his head.
“Oy! Moony, no violence allowed in these parts of the castle!”
“I’ll keep committing more violent acts if you don’t turn that shit off.”
James gasped dramatically, putting a hand over his head, “Moony how dare you! Don’t ever disrespect Abba again.”
“James I love you but please at least turn the volume down.”
James turned around to face Pete who was slowly sitting up, running his hand through his hair, yawning sleepily.
“And I love you too Wormy but we have an extremely important day today, sense all of you all have chosen to not do anything for these past days and have gotten absolutely nothing done,” James said while catching another pillow coming from Moony’s direction, “We have to plan our big prank for tomorrow!”
Immediately he heard Sirius shoot up, “Oh Merlin! I forgot! We need to plan a prank for Chritsmas! OH! James you’re so right!”
“I always am.” James responded.
“You seem to forget a lot of things” Remus muttered under his breath.
“Oh here we go again,” Peter grumbled while slowly getting out of bed.
“No. This right here, we will not be doing this today. It’s Christmas Eve, and we need to plan a prank, ok? So there will be no bickering, no arguing with our brothers, and no grumbling under our breaths, got it?”
Sirius looked down at his hands fidgeting with them while trying not to look up.
“Then why don’t you tell Sirius to not be so fucking annoying.” Remus said practically spatting ‘Sirius’ and getting out of bed without even looking in his direction.
“Merlin Moony, what did I ever do to you?” Sirius said, getting up.
Remus scoffed and turned around facing Sirius, “ Excuse me? What did you ever do to me?! I knew you were stupid but I didn’t think you were this fucking stupid. You know exactly what you did- I mean do you want me to fucking spell it out for you?! Let’s see I mean where should we even start? When you said that I was just a sid-”
“Ok! I know and I’m sorry, and I don't know how else to let you know that I didn’t mean it, but I just- I can’t lose you! Remus! Please I said I was sorry, please forgive me.”
There was a beat of silence, Remus looked over Sirius as if he was disgusted. James looked over at Peter, who gave him a look of ‘ what do we do’, but James absolutely did not know what to do.
“No.”
Sirius looked back and forth Remus’ eyes, like he was looking for a different answer there.
“You’re fucking sorry?! Sorry my ass, you’re not fucking sorry, you’re just a pathetic, greedy, little goblin who has never experience love and fucking sucks it off everyone you meet! You don’t care about me! You only care about yourself!”
“You don’t mean that, Remus.”
“I mean every. Fucking. Word.”
“You’re fucking cruel, you’re a- you’re a monster.”
Remus laughed hysterically, which was concerning James a little, “That’s what they say”
“No- wait- I- Remus I didn’t mean like that-”
“Really? Then how did you mean it?”
“Moony, I’m sure he didn’t mea-”
“Prongs stay the fuck out of this,” Remus spatt, turning to him, “I mean of course you would side with him.” He spatted.
“Moony no, I’m not siding with him I’m just trying to understand what the fuck is going on,” James said, as Peter nodded next to him, “I mean there’s clearly something going on and y’all fucking going at eachother’s throats isn’t going to fix that, I mean it’s like you enjoy fighting!
“Look James It’s not my fucking fault if Remus won’t fucking forgive me!”
“Of course because nothing is ‘Mr. Perfect’s’ fault.”
“That’s not what I meant! See you always do this!”
“Holy shit, me and James are going to go deaf if you keep screaming at eachother.”
Sirius got quiet not looking at Remus or Peter, who had spoken.
“Look Moon-”
“-Don’t call me that.”
“I-” Sirius looked up at Remus, tears in his eyes, “- Remus. I do regret what I did to you, and I feel horrible, and I just want you to forgive me because, I just- I still want to be your- friend.”
“Then say it!”
“What? I-I did, I said I was sorry Remus! What the fuck, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME!”
“FOR YOU TO TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME!”
Sirius took a step back, taken aback by this, “Fuck. You.”
Remus scoffed “That’s the problem isn’t it, you alr-”
“Merlin you can’t fucking drop it! You’re the first to point out other people’s flaws, well what about you!”
“MERLIN BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!”
Sirius, Remus, and Peter all turned to James, in shock.
“Holy shit! Do you not see what’s going on!? I mean it was amusing at first but now it’s just becoming annoying, and me and Pete do not want to listen to y’all fucking stabbing eachother over and over again. Y’all are fucking giving me a headache, and if y’all don’t want to talk to each other, then fine! Go ahead and throw away 5 years of friendship out the window, congragi-fucking-lations, you both just ruined everything for the rest of us.” James looked around before turning around and leaving, slamming the door, not even waiting for one of them to respond or follow him.
James needed to clear his mind, he had just enough of their bickering. What was making James even more mad was the fact that Sirius was hiding something, there was clearly something both Remus and Sirius weren’t saying, and if they wanted to keep whatever it was a secret, then fine, but then they can’t bring him and Peter down as collateral damage. James didn’t understand it, they had never argued like this, and when Sirius had talked to him last night, he had wanted to make things right - whatever that was, James still had no idea- but it hadn’t worked, Moony really was a stubborn bastard.
He practically ran out of the Gryffyndor common room, not noticing Lily reading on the couch. He thought about going on the pitch, but Sirius would probably follow him there, because Sirius knew that James goes there whenever he’s upset. He thought a little bit more, and then started to make his way to exit the castle.
James doesn’t know why he was getting so mad over such a small thing, it didn’t feel right. He wished he could just not be mad, like just tell his mind to not be angry, but it wasn’t working and the harder he tried, the madder he got. He hated when his friends fought, why couldn’t they just all coexist without trying to hurt each other for once. It wasn’t even all of them, it was just Remus and Sirius- which he loved them to death, but Merlin, could they be annoying. And James isn’t saying that they’re annoying, it’s more of the effect it has on everyone else, because merlin they do not understand that their actions have consciences and that the world continues outside of their little- although this one was pretty big- fights and it’s just so-
In the middle of his thoughts, James hadn’t noticed where he was walking, or who he was walking into, but mid thought- he ran into someone, not really sure how he missed them. There were long blond strands of hair in his face, and he tried to brush them off, while trying to see who he ran into,
“Terribly sorry, I was just-” James stopped mid sentence, looking up and finding himself face-to-face with Pandora Lestrange, fixing her hair, adjusting her clips. There were sparkles in her hair, although James couldn’t tell if he was just seeing things or if it was some sort of spell she put on her hair, but whatever it was, it looked mystical.
“Oh blossoms! I’m deeply sorry, I’ve had my head in the clouds all day!” Pandora exclaimed, with a light bounce to her voice. She was done fixing her hair and was now staring at James, “Oh my, you look a mess, did something happen, oh dear stars it’s been a rough morning hasn’t it? Fights again? No that’s probably not it, although I am sensing tension..” She stopped abruptly, “Oh sorry, I’m rambling, aren’t I? This was happening the other day, and I had to tell myself, ‘Pandora, slow down’ isn’t that just silly?”
“I-uh, yeah..” James furrowed his brow, “How did you know…..about the fight?”
“Oh isn’t it obvious!? You can tell by the way you’re holding yourself! Honestly it’s quite sad…”
“I- Excuse me?”
“You're excused… I guess, although I don’t really know what from…” She asked, seeming genuinely confused.
“Um, ok well I, sorry again for bumping into you- I wasn't looking where I was going,”
“Oh nonsense, ever since this morning, I’ve been bumping into things, Regulus told me to stay in my dorm today but I just had to go to the greenhouses.”
“Regu- Wait, why the greenhouses?”
Pandora looked at him like it was obvious, then started to just full on giggle. James wasn't going to lie, she was very strange, but in a comforting way?
"You looked really stressed, do you want to come with me? I think I know how to help you…” She said smiling.
“I appreciate it, but I was actually going somewhere..”
“The dark forest?”
“Uh, How did you know that?”
She giggles again, “You’re a strange man James Potter, I don’t know what Re-” She stopped abruptly, looking left right as if someone was watching her.
“Are you ok?”
“Oh yes, I just, I almost fell off the tree….”
James was starting to get even more confused, ‘what tree?? ’ he thought, before shaking the thought away, ‘whatever, just, say goodbye and forget all about this.’
James looked up at Pandora who was smiling at him, but not in a creepy way, although it was getting a little odd.
“Ok well, Lestrange, this was nice, but I really do have to go.”
“Are you sure, I would really enjoy the company, it’s never fun getting high all by yourself, although they said they would join me later, if they’re not busy thinking about her,” She said while rolling her eyes, as if she couldn’t believe what she was saying, “I mean it’s a bit much don’t you think? All they ever do is think about her and it’s great, but a girl needs her moments of peace, no?”
“Yeah.. I guess...Sorry, but I’m not into the whole doing drugs….”
“Oh, it’s just marijuana.”
“Yeah... thanks for the offer, but I should really get going.”
“Ok! Whatever suits you,” She said, shrugging, she looked at him one more time, before just walking off without saying a word.
‘Merlin that was strange….’ James thought. He turned around, watching her skip down the hallway, thinking.
“Wait! Lestrange!”
She stopped, and turned around, “Yes?”
James paused, “How much of that weed you got?”
Pandora looked at him in surprise, before smiling.
“Enough for us to glide mountains on the backs of dragons!” She exclaimed, “Come on Soldier! Off to the battlefield we go! Will you accompany me through my quest?”
James gave it one more thought before marching off with her, ‘What am I getting myself into….’ He thought, but before he knew it, they had arrived at the greenhouses.
9:40 AM
James thinks this is the best and worst feeling he has ever felt at the same time. If he had known that at 15 years old he would have been high out of his mind with a Slytherin, he wouldn’t have believed it. But here he was. The thing was, James didn’t hate every Slytherin, and yes Pandora was friends with Regulus and Crouch- that James did not know why or how- but she was genuinely so sweet James could not bring himself to hate her. He also was extremely high, and he found that he seemed to love everything even more when high. Strange.
“-And then, Barty starts screaming- and let me tell you when I say he screams like a girl, I am not exaggerating.”
James laughed quietly to himself, “That’s just like Sirius, ugh Merlin has he been a pain in the ass the past couple days.”
“No more flowers.” Pandora said while inhaling and exhaling smoke.
“Yeah, what will happen to the bees?”
“Oh no! The poor bees..” She exclaimed.
“I guess, hey why are you even friends with Crouch, isn’t he like a horrible person?”
Pandora turned her head so slowly, James wasn't even sure it was moving.
“What.”
“I just, I don’t know, everyone talks about him like he’s insane… Is that true?”
“No. But then again, people love to judge other people that aren’t like them, it’s truly pathetic, like a waterfall falling down a cliff but can’t find the bottom…..”
“Yeah, Sorry..... what about Regulus?” James asked.
“What about him?” Pandora asked slyly, passing him the blunt.
“Well… I mean, is he a horrible person?”
Pandora looked at him with a sad smile, “Why do you care? You don’t even know him”
“I don’t know- I guess I’m just curious…” James said, scratching his head.
Pandora hummed, “Regulus is a star James…” She turned towards him, “Do you know what the difference is between a star and the sun?”
James shook his head, everything blurring as he did.
She hummed again, before taking a breath, “Nothing, they are the same.” She paused, “It’s the way people as a whole view them. They view stars as something distant, something that is just there for their admiration, only to see the surface of them. No one ventures too closely to them, they admire them from far away. They worship the Sun. Because it’s ‘warm’ and it provides energy and heat and light, and it’s so close to us, that we think we know everything about it. Isn’t it sad? That the stars aren’t viewed on the same level as the Sun? At the end of the day, they’re the same aren’t they? And that star could be someone else’s Sun, but we’d never know.”
James took a deep breath, Pandora’s words rumbling threw his head.
“You’re a wise man Pandora,” He said with admiration.
“Thank you James, I don’t know if anyone has told you this, but you really do remind me of the Sun.”
He took a sharp inhale, choosing his next words carefully, “So who’s my star then?”
She hummed again, “Only you can know, hm? But it’s beautiful isn’t it? How you may not even know until it explodes, until the end, and then you realize it’s too late.”
James frowned, “How is that beautiful? It’s just tragic.”
“Because when stars die, they create the most beautiful spectacle, and all you can do is just sit there and watch, watch as you allow yourself to love even though you know it’s the end and there’s nothing you can do about it. Some say that when stars die is when they are the most beautiful.”
“But what if I explode first?”
She paused to think, “Then I guess you would become a black hole.”
“I don’t like that.”
“No? I assumed you wouldn’t.”
“I don’t want to explode, I don’t want to become a black hole.”
“You're scared. That’s understandable, even the dew on a flower petal is scared when it first starts to evaporate, only to become a part of something bigger.”
“Pandora, can I tell you something?”
“No.” She smiled kindly up at him, “No, James, you’re not thinking correctly now, you’re high and your brain is making you want to say things you might regret later.”
“But I want to say it, I need to.”
She closed her eyes, “Maybe, but I’m not the one you should be saying it to.”
James pouted, “How do you know?”
Pandora opened her eyes, “Because it wouldn’t be fair to him.”
James sat there in shock, how did she always know what was going on?
“I suppose so, so what happened this morning?”
“Hm?”
“You said that you had to go to the greenhouses- to smoke apparently- so something had happened?”
“Hm, yes, just something back at home.”
“Oh, have you been arranged to marry someone?”
“Oh I wish it was just that, but no…the petals are falling off the flower, it’s only about time before I do..”
“I guess, or you could just settle on a different flower?”
“How?”
“I don’t know.” He whispers.
“Exactly, it’s not that easy James, and even if I did, who’s to say that that one isn’t dying either?”
“You’re only 14 Pandora, you shouldn’t have to even think of changing families.”
“Oh but I do… Take Sirius, he managed to get out.”
James paused, “What?”
She turned her head, “Sirius, he managed to get out.”
James frowned, “Get out of what?”
Pandora frowned back, “The family, he left, well they disowned him, but I mean he’s not part of the Blacks anymore-officially, at least. It’s sad, and it’s taken a toll on Regulus that’s for sure.”
James sputtered, “Wait what? He got disowned? Oh fuck, Pandora, this was nice, but I really have to go.” He got up before she could protest and started running back to the castle.
It tooke him a while to find the Gryffindor Common Room, the stupid stairs kept moving, and some doors disappeared right in front of him. Honestly, who thought of that? The most stupid thing, James almost fell five times. Finally, he arrived at the painting. The Fat Lady was wearing a green dress today, and she was having tea with what looked like her twin sister…
“I didn’t know you had a sister?” James said.
Both of them turned at the same time and opened their mouths at the same time, “I don’t” They said in unison.
“Oh.. um.. Can you let me in?” He asked, grinning at the both of them- apparently there was one? Eh whatever.
“Sure, as if it was that easy, students these days are getting more and more delusional…” They both say, rolling their eyes.
“Oh come on, I forgot the password! You know who I am!”
The Fat Ladies laughed, “Oh sweetie, no password. No entry.”
“Hmph” He crossed his arms, “Fine. I don’t even want to enter anyways.” He said, sticking his tongue at them. At that exact moment, the portrait opened, and out came Lily Evans.
“Oh! James hi,” She stopped right in front of him, a bit in shock.
“Evans! Heeeyyyy, can you belieevee that these two marvelous- but stubborn- ladies won’t let me innnnn?”
Lily started to look genuinely concerned, “Uh yeah, you need the password… James are you drunk?”
James’ head shot up, “Drunk? Evans, you think I drink?”
She gave him a stern look and raised one eyebrow.
“Pssshhh! I’m not drunk. I accidentally smoked marijuana though.”
“Accidently? How do you ‘accidently’ take a smoke huh?”
“Uhhhh,” He smiled up at her, innocently.
“James. It is 10:00 AM and Christmas Eve, and you’re telling me you're high??”
“Do you want me to say no?”
“Merlin.” She presses her hand to her head.
“Ok well… I really need to go, bye Evans!”
He slipped in before she could scold him more and before the Fat Ladies closed the portrait on him. He looked around the Common Room, no sign of any of the Marauders. He checked one last time before going up the stairs to their dorm. Without even bothering to knock, he opens the door. Remus’ and Peter’s bed were both empty, and to James luck, Sirius’ had his curtains drawn, meaning he was inside. He went over and opened the curtains. Sirius was sleeping, there were cigarettes next to him, and his pillow had marks where he extinguished them. Shaking him awake, Sirius jumped, almost hitting James.
“James what the fuck!?”
James looks at him, “Why didn’t tell me you got disowned?” He wasn't mad, and usually he would have been a little more subtle about it, but he seemed to be more blunt when he was high.
Sirius looked up at him in shock before tears started to form, “What? I- how did you find out? Did Regulus-” He got up, mad, but James just pushed him back down.
“No, I haven’t spoken to Regulus.” He looks down at Sirius, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Sirius sat up, huffing quietly, “I don’t know. I know you want to talk about it James, but I really don’t.”
“And I don’t care,” He sat down on his bed, crossing his legs and facing Sirius, “You need to talk to someone about it Sirius.”
Sirius looked up at him, sighing, “I know, it’s just I, I can’t go in details ok? You have to respect that.”
James nodded, “Of course.”
Sirius nodded back, and inhaled.
James braced himself, even though Sirius wasn’t going to be specific about it, he knows that this is going to be rough for both him and Sirius.