Knowing and Changing

It was finally the weekend, and Merlin was the week tough. It was a constant struggle for Harry and George as they got to know some of their classmates, even if only by looks and mannerisms in classes, and as they went to more places in the castle, not to break down. But somehow, with the support of their family, somehow they managed it. 

In recent days the whole group had seemed to calm down a little from the shock of everything, and they were trying to settle back into life. Regulus and Barty realised that it wasn’t safe to be too affectionate towards the new twins, and calmed down their growing instincts as much as they could as their parent/child bonds formed.

Harry and George were going to be writing to the Potters, Dumbledore, and Voldemort that night to request their family heirlooms back, with consequences for refusal as they are technically the Heads of the Potter and Gaunt family being that they are directly descended, and have the Peverell name, where the others don’t. And supposing the three of them give back the items it would mean they would have a Horcrux ready to get rid of. 

But for the moment Harry needed a break from everything. He needed to breathe. 

He needed not to think too much. 

So he went outside and he sat against a tree by the lake, just looking out into the distance, hoping for peace as his arms wrapped around his legs, pulling them against his chest. 

He could see the giant squid splashing around in the lake and he smiled slightly at the innocence of it. 

And then he felt a presence next to him, and saw someone sit next to him, also pulling their legs to their chest and wrapping their arms around them. 

He turned and smiled slightly at Severus, who smiled back, though there was a slight sadness there, too. 

“You okay, Sev?” Harry said gently. 

“Hm, I… I’ve been thinking these last few days,” he gulped, “About the things you said on the train,” Severus turned to the lake and swallowed thickly, his eyes seemed to sparkle with what Harry thought might be tears, and it twisted something in his heart to see the pain there. 

“What about them?” Harry asked, his voice soft. 

“You said… You came back to save me… Well, you came back to save everyone, but you also named me specifically… Y-you said I was… I-I became pregnant, this year, because of the Marauders, and I l-lost my baby before I could decide what to d-do,” his lips were trembling and Harry longed to hold him, but he didn’t know if his touch would be welcome, especially when talking about that.

“Yeah,” Harry whispered, “Your older self, from my time, is with your baby now,” he said gently, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I literally told you all everything. I just… I couldn’t stop after I started. It all just came out. You shouldn’t have to… You shouldn’t have to think about that, worry about that, I’m so, so sorry,”

“It’s not your fault, Harry,” Severus breathed shakily, “I understand the need to rant on occasion,” he chuckled darkly, “I just… I’ve known I’m a bearer for three years now, and I never really thought about it because… because it hurt. In a weird way. I… I-I never really thought it would lead to something, you know? I mean, who could possibly want me enough to make a baby with me? I guess I was right, though? I mean they didn’t want anything but to hurt and humiliate me, right? They didn’t want me. They certainly wouldn’t have wanted to make a baby with me. They don’t even know. I hope so anyway,” he shivered slightly and a pang of pain shot through Harry’s heart at the hurt in the dark eyes, and the fear. 

He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and holding Severus’ hand gently, causing the other boy to jump but he didn’t let go, if anything he gripped it tighter than Harry ever imagined he would, but he clearly needed something. Comfort. Care. Support. What every human needs at some point but both of them had been missing almost their entire lives. 

“Sev, you are amazing. You are caring, intelligent, brave, protective, supportive, funny, beautiful in every kind of way,” 

The other teen scoffed at him. 

“I mean it, Sev,” Harry said firmly, “You are one of the most amazing people I know. And you are so deserving of love, and care, and everything else. I will keep telling you until you believe me, and even after then. But you are amazing. And I can’t think of any reason why someone wouldn’t want you enough to have a baby with you, Sev. Supposing that is what you want, of course. Do you… Do you want a family, Sev? You only have to answer if you want to, of course,”

“I… I mean, yes, I think. Really,” he sighed, looking at the ground, “Really I just want someone who will love me unconditionally, someone I can love the same way. I mean, I love everyone in our family, I really do. And I do love them unconditionally. And I know they love me, too. But I am always… I am always scared, waiting for the other shoe to drop, I suppose. Because it always has with everyone else. My parents. Lily. Even the bloody Marauders. I had thought, when Lily and I met them on the train, that they were becoming our friends. And then I said I wanted to be in Slytherin, in hopes of making my mother proud, but it caused them to turn on me, too,

“But I… If I were to have a baby, I think, maybe, I won’t be so scared, so… Maybe I can also then prove to myself that I am good, that I’m not… That I’m not my parents, or everyone else. That I can be a good person. A good parent. Good at something. And prove to others those things, too. Because I am a Slytherin, therefore I am evil, right? I talk to the people I am forced to sleep with, and go to class with, therefore I am evil. I also just… I want something good, for once, you know? I want for all the crap to stop coming to me, and for something good, and happy, and beautiful, and… everything, to come. I just want to be happy, to not have to look over my shoulder all the time, to be safe, and loved, and free. I just want something that isn’t bad. I want to not be scared all the bloody time. I want to be free. And maybe having a family will help with those things,” the boy shrugged and Harry’s heart tugged at the tears falling down the pale cheeks. 

“One day, Sev,” Harry said, squeezing the hand in his gently as the boy scoffed self-deprecatingly in response, “I mean it. One day you will have all of those things, and I will do whatever I can to make sure of it. You will be happy, and safe, and free, and you will have a baby, a family, love, and everything else you want and deserve. Because you deserve the world, Severus Snape, you really do. And I understand all of those feelings because I have felt them, too. My whole bloody life. Though I didn’t know I was a bearer until I found out about everything else, and that a certain someone had destroyed that part of me. It may be fixed now, but…” Harry sighed, “I don’t know, I keep thinking about everything. Over-thinking really. What if it wasn’t fixed completely? What if something else happens? What if I can’t… What if I can’t move on? What if I can’t fix things here, in this time, so that everyone is safe? What if when the future Harry is born everything happens again the way it was for me? What if Fred and Rosalie die again? What if? I’m so bloody scared, and messy, and… everything,”

Harry broke off when he heard some familiar laughs coming their way and the two of them looked up to find the Marauders walking over to them with grins on their faces. Harry rolled his eyes. 

“Isn’t this cute?” Sirius said with gleaming eyes, “Snivvy, you didn’t tell us that the new bloke was your boyfriend. Or that you were gay for that matter,” he pouted, though the grin was soon back on his face. 

“Is that jealousy I am sensing, Padfoot?” Harry grinned at the shock and fear on their faces, “What’s it to you, anyway? You have no right to know a thing about mine or Severus’ personal life. I mean, I see why you would be jealous, don’t get me wrong. Sev is gorgeous, after all, and the most amazing person in the world. But honestly, after how you and your little gang have treated him over the years, do you really think you have a chance?”

“I-I-I’m not jealous,” Sirius sputtered, “Snivvy is too greasy for me,”

“Oh, really. Well I will let you in on a little secret, none of him is greasy. His hair is the softest hair I have ever felt, and sometimes black hair shines in certain lighting. He washes his hair regularly, and takes care of it well. The potions fumes can make it a little greasy, yes, but he cleanses it straight away afterwards so as to keep it healthy. Your hair, on the other hand, looks rather brittle and messy, kinda like a shaggy dog that hasn’t been groomed well. But I guess you have more important things to do than look after yourself, right? Like bullying the students you deem as lower than you,”

“Oi, there is nothing wrong with Sirius’ hair,” James yelled, affronted. 

“Whatever you say, Prongs, whatever you say,” Harry rolled his eyes again and stood, helping Severus up as he did so, still holding his hand as they started walking back to the castle, their peace and talk interrupted by the idiots. 

“Levicorpus,” 

Harry spun, hand out, a golden shield forming around himself and Severus before the spell had even covered half the distance between James’ wand and them. 

The four, and Severus, were staring at him in shock as the spell bounced off the shield ricocheted onto a nearby tree. But Harry just glared at the four in front of them. The four who would, if things weren’t fixed, ruin the lives of everyone in his family, with some help from the meddling goat of a man. 

“I don’t know, and don’t particularly care, what makes you four think you have the right to terrorise the children in this school. It’s probably because somehow you get away with everything you do, so you keep pushing all the buttons you think you can. But I think it’s time you grow the fuck up and realise you cannot just hurt people all the fucking time. You are fifteen years old, for fuck’s sake, you should know the difference between right and wrong by now, and yet you still think that hurting someone is okay. You are all idiots if you think the Houses we are sorted into mean a thing. Because they don’t. The second we leave this place we all go and do what we want to do in life, and we have to work with people from all Houses, all schools, all backgrounds. And you have to get on with them if you want to succeed. Not all Slytherins are evil. Most of them aren’t. Not all Gryffindors are good, judging by your behaviour. You claim that the people from our house are bigots, prejudiced, and so on. And yet you won’t even have a conversation with any of us about our beliefs. All that whilst you yourselves are prejudiced against us, even your own brother, Padfoot, the one you used to get on well with, without even clocking on that you are just as prejudiced as you claim us to be,

“You hurt people for no reason. And you get worse the more you go unpunished. You tell us we’re evil without having any actual proof of that. You judge us based on our looks, and yet we aren’t allowed to do the same to you. You claim to be good, and then three of you break a law that is in place to keep people safe, and one day will probably go on to break more laws because you feel like you can. How would your parents feel if they knew even half of the things you have done, are planning to do, to Severus? How would they feel if they find out you have broken a law? How would they feel knowing they have raised you boys to be nothing but prejudiced little dicks? Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs, all fitting names for your other sides, 

“If any of you ever even think of touching Severus again, you will find out just how my brother and I survived the attack on our family when our parents didn’t. It will be especially fun when we have our heirlooms back with us,” Harry smirked at the four of them and turned back around and led Severus back to the castle, their hands still twined together. 

“That was…” Severus trailed off as if unsure what to say. 

“Fun. That was fun,” Harry chuckled, “Did you see their faces? I thought they were going to piss themselves,”

Severus chuckled, too, shaking his head slightly. 

“I was going to say amazing, but fun works, too, I guess,” Severus said. 

“Thank you,” Harry said, beaming at his friend, “And, erm, if you ever want to talk or anything I am here for you. You’re not alone anymore, Sev, you have a family. And I am going to protect you as much as I can, I promise. From everyone. You are amazing, and you deserve all the love, care, and everything else good in the world. And I will do whatever I can to make it happen,”

Severus blushed slightly and looked down, “Thank you,” he whispered, “I am here for you, too. Always. You aren’t alone anymore, either. You have a family now. And I will protect you, too, and make sure you have all the amazing things you deserve,”

“Thank you,” Harry whispered back, a small smile tugging at his lips, also blushing a little as he glanced down at their still joined hands. A tug of pain, and guilt, and something else stung his heart

And he held on tighter.