Decisions
Harry woke sluggishly, blinking a few times to adjust his eyes to the light. The memories he watched came rushing back to him and his eyes filled with tears again.
“Master Hadrian, are you okay?” Kreacher asked from his seat next to the bed.
“No,” Harry sighed as Kreacher wrapped his small arms around his neck in a comforting embrace.
“They loved me. They wanted me,” Harry whispered as he wrapped his arms around Kreacher, his heart aching after what he witnessed and felt coming from the memories.
“So, so much,” Kreacher said.
“I want my mum,”
“I know, I know. But you can see him again soon, even if it won’t be as your mum,”
“I don’t know if I can do this… I don’t know if I will be able to go there and not tell them who I am to them. Who they are to me. I need them. I can’t…” Harry said.
“It will be hard, but maybe…”
They were distracted by the door opening and King Ragnok, and Bagrod entering the room, closely followed by Neville who smiled shyly at Harry.
“We thought you might like a friend to talk to when you woke up,” King Ragnok said gently, “How are you feeling?”
“I don’t know,” Harry said as he smiled slightly back at Neville.
“We will leave you two to it then and be back when you are ready to discuss things,” King Ragnok said before the two goblins left again and Neville sat in the chair next to his bed.
“I wills leave you alone Master Hadrian, call me if yous need anything,” Harry nodded and Kreacher popped away after giving Harry one last squeeze.
“How are you, Harry?” Neville asked kindly.
“Lost. Confused. Drained. I don’t know. How are you?”
“I’m good. Relieved actually that you have been found. We have been looking for you for a long time,”
“You know about me?” Harry asked, looking at Neville shocked.
“Of course. Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, Draco, Gran and I have been trying to find you,”
“Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, Draco…”
“We all had to pretend to hate each other in public due to the state of things, but in private we were one big happy family. Severus was like another dad to Draco and I throughout our childhoods. He would have been to you, too, if we were able to find you. But apparently Dumbledore was able to block us at every turn. We did think you were Hadrian some of the time, but then things would happen that would take us off the trail. And we couldn’t use spells or potions on you that would tell us who you were because we were distracted from the opportunity. We are sorry that it took us so long to find you, though,”
“It’s not your fault,” Harry whispered, although he really wished they had been able to find him.
Maybe then he would have been taken away from the Dursleys.
Maybe then he could have been loved.
Truly loved.
Even if not by his parents, but by the people who were meant to be his family.
If only he would have been found in his fourth year, then maybe he could have gotten to know his father. Maybe he wouldn’t have turned the cup into a Portkey.
Maybe…
He should stop thinking of maybe’s. It only hurt more.
“Does anyone else know?” Harry asked Neville.
“Yeah. Gran, Draco, Lucius and Narcissa have all been told. Luna knows also but she just always seems to know what is going on. We were meant to have a funeral for Sev tomorrow, but we have postponed it just in case you wanted to come also. I know you didn’t know the true him, not until now anyway, but it would have meant a lot to him to know that you were there. You don’t have to if you don’t want to, though,”
“I will have to think about it. If that is okay?”
“Of course, we will wait however long you need,”
“Thank you,” Harry said, looking down at his lap, “So, this year at Hogwarts, did you know all along that he was trying to help you? Did you know that he was going to kill Dumbledore? Did you know everything?”
“Yes. He wanted to tell you also. He wanted you to know that he was on your side. He wanted you to know everything. He wanted you to trust him. Even as Harry Potter. But Dumbledore made him swear a vow to not tell you anything until Voldemort was the weakest he could be. It would have killed him. I offered to tell you for him. But he said that that would require me telling you everything else and since we didn’t know if you were Hadrian, he didn’t want to risk it. At least, not until we could find some way of confirming who you were without Dumbledore, Hermione, or the youngest two Weasley’s interfering,”
“Why would he want me to trust him after what my… James, and the other Marauders did to him? To mum and dad? Why would he want anything to do with me?”
“Because he knew it wasn’t your fault. And despite everything, Lily was like a sister to him for many years. He still loved her. And he wanted to protect you, and care for you. He wanted to be part of your life but Dumbledore forbade it. Even before we started thinking that maybe you were Hadrian,”
Harry nodded, not really sure what to say.
“What do the Malfoys think?”
“They want to come and see you, but they understand if you don’t want to see them after the way that they had to act towards you. They apologise for everything and hope you understand that they had no choice. And Lucius had no idea what the diary would do, what it was. He just wanted to be rid of it and that was the easiest way for him to do so when no one else would take it. And Draco apologises for the way he had to treat you in public, he didn’t want to, and he does genuinely want to be your friend but he also understands if you don’t want to. He has wanted to be your friend for a long time but he couldn’t unless you accepted his hand in public. He understands, though, why you didn’t. And Narcissa just wants to mother you really. Especially after what happened in the forest,”
Harry nodded.
“Did you know my father was pretending to be Moody in our fourth year?”
“No. Not until afterwards anyway. Severus went to Azkaban, which is where they put him after they kissed him, and looked into his mind. The kiss removes your soul, but it doesn’t remove your memories, it only removes the feelings associated with them. Barty was under the imperius curse the entire time. First by his father, but then when Pettigrew and Voldemort ‘saved’ him, it was cast by Peter for Voldemort. He tried to fight it, from what Severus could gather from the memories, but he wasn’t successful,”
Harry nodded again. He was so lost that he just didn’t know what to say. Or do. Or anything.
“Do you know what my mum left for me?”
“Yes, he left us a letter explaining everything. Gran, Sev, Lucius and Narcissa read it a little after his will was read. So did Barty. But… It’s up to you, obviously, if you would like to go back in time or not. We will miss you of course,”
Harry snorted, “You won’t be here to miss me. This present will disappear when I go back. If I… I’m sorry. For everything. For not being a better friend for you over the years, for…”
“Harry, it’s okay. I understand. With Ron and Hermione, and later Ginny, taking all your time to make other friends away from you it is completely understandable. And you were still a good friend, you were still kind, caring. Even with them around. You wouldn’t let them bully me or anything. I’m sorry for not trying hard enough to find you, to get you away from them, to get you away from all of it really,”
“It’s okay…” Harry whispered, his heart aching, it wasn’t Neville’s fault.
“Have you decided what to do yet?”
“I mean, I want to. Go back. I think. I need… I need to meet them, properly. I need to know them. And… I want to save them, and others. I just… I can’t let you all die… and I want revenge on them. But then, I also just don’t want to go. I have had enough of fighting. I want a peaceful life,”
“Who’s to say you can’t have revenge before you go, we will be more than happy to help you. And you don’t have to go straight away. And, do you really see your life being peaceful here? I mean, everyone knows who you are, what you did. You are famous. You will never be left alone. But in the past, no one will know you. You can be safe, protected, loved even. Without the world vying for attention, love, and news. And we won’t die, we will just fade away. Disappear. And, if you do go back, you know now how to get rid of Voldemort. You know about his Horcruxes and how to destroy them. The war won’t last nearly as long, people will be saved. And you won’t have to fight too much. Hopefully. I am sure Dumbledore will be his usual self, but you know more about him now than anyone ever did. And we can use your time here to find out more about him so you have some things to either bribe him with, or take him down with. We can help, will be more than happy to help with anything you need,”
Harry smiled slightly, “Thank you. I will have a think about it,”
“You have all the time in the world,” Neville smiled.
“Is there anything keeping you here, Harry?” Neville whispered after a few moments of comfortable silence, “That isn’t to say I don’t want you here, that any of us don’t,” he added after seeing Harry’s shocked look, “We love and care for you, we want you in our lives. But, realistically, what else is there? This world has been destroyed, and yeah, we can build it back together again, but it will take time, energy. There are so many people gone, children gone. So many who have been irreversibly hurt. I’m not trying to pressure you, or anything like that. I just… I know you Harry. And I know that you won’t be happy here, not for a long time. And I am not saying you will be happy in the past either, not straight away at least, but you have the chance to find true happiness with people who won’t be friends or whatever with you because of your fame, or your money, or whatever else. You will always have us, of course. Your family. But will you be safe? Will you find everything else you want in life here? That is what you need to figure out, I think…”
Harry looked down at his knees, thinking about everything he knew. Everything he knew he wanted.
He realised that Neville was right, he would always worry here if the people he got close to were genuine or if they just wanted to latch onto his fame and money. He would have his family, sure. But he wouldn’t have a family. He probably wouldn’t trust anyone he met enough to marry them and have children with them after everything he had found out recently. And after witnessing more people vying for his attention.
He shivered at the memories of the last few days.
He wasn’t safe here. Not truly.
That wasn’t to say that he would be safe wherever he might go, but he would be anonymous. No one would know who he was or what he did. He could be himself, his true self. And he could help bring a stop to this war so that less people, less children would die.
He knew what he had to do. He knew how to do it.
If he went back far enough he could also save Severus from… well, that.
But he knew he had to get revenge first. Even if there was no point to it because once he went back everything here would be gone. He needed it for his own peace of mind.
“I’ll do it,” Harry said determinedly.
He would do it.