Quidditch training
Mud squelches underneath me as I trench my way back to the shed that keeps all of our equipment, a scowl permanent on my face. She just had to be amazing at quidditch didn't she? She couldn't just be shit and I couldn't have just let her down easily and been done with it.
No of course not.
Ginny Weasley just had to be a fucking incredible chaser. To make matters worse guess who else is decent at quidditch? Her fucking boyfriend, Dean Thomas. The most kind-hearted douche to walk this planet.
God I hate the fact I'm jealous of him, I hate the fact I can't go to sleep, thinking of her being with him. Thinking of her touching him and kissing him, smiling at his jokes as they walk around the Courtyard, sickeningly in love. And if I do get to sleep, Sirius's face swarms my dreams, haunting me. It's pathetic, I'm pathetic. This overwhelming rage that follows me everywhere she is suffocates me.
My grip on the quidditch box I carry is lethal, "do you need some help with that Harry?" Ginny asks, I bite my tongue and close my eyes. Count to three, count to three. I plaster a fake smile and turn around to Ginny, "No I'm okay thanks."
“Hey, are you okay?" Ginny swarms my view, I stare at her in the moonlight, the makeshift ponytail she fashioned before dashing onto the pitch becoming loose, the wisps of hair frame her face flawlessly, her simple smile and simple eyebrows are flawless she is flawless, and it makes me angrier.
“Perfect." I grit out, quenching my jaw so painfully I think I might break it. "Go to your lover-boy."
"You coming Babe?" Dean calls out, running over to her. "Ginny?"
She turns to him and shakes her head, pressing her gorgeous lips to his disgusting cheek, "I'll be up in a moment. Just got to help Harry put the equipment back."
"Weasley I'll be fine, go." I say re-enforcing the idea of being fine to myself.
"Come on babe, he says he doesn't need anyones help." Dean grasps for her hand, and to my dissatisfaction Ginny stands there, not grasping for it back, but instead staring at me, reading me so closely I feel exposed.
"I said I'll be up in moment." Ginny says more forcefully, whether to me or Dean I don't know.
"Okay then, if you say so." He mumbles before storming off, stomping his way up to catch up with Ron and Ben.
"So, how was training?" Ginny asks, picking up a beaters bat we jinxed to hit quaffles at chasers.
"You were here, how was training?" I push back, building more and more walls between being emotionally connected with Ginny. And to be honest, training was shit, so, so shit. All I could think about was her, and to watch her doing the one thing she loves, it exhilarates me. In fact it distracted me so much so I got hit with bludgers more times then what I can count.
"It was good. The team is really coming along."
I hum in reply, jumping onto my broom and collecting the air cones we used for flying drills. Drills she completed perfectly, I remind myself painfully. I shake my head, trying to rid myself of Ginny, of how she perfectly moulded herself to riding that broom, how perfectly her leggings are shaped to show off every curve.
"With a couple more training sessions, I reckon we could have something special. Show Malfoy what a true team can do." She states as I land hard on the wet ground.
I nod my head down and pick up the last crate of equipment, slamming them down on the shelf and angrily locking the door of the shed.
"Dean said we need to work on our teamwork though, said we don't trust each other." She remarks again, I can't help but make a childish mocking face to the wall.
"Oh if Dean says so, it must be true." The sarcasm rolls out of me. "I'll make sure to add that onto my training drills next time. Oh and I'll run my other plans for the team by him."
"Why are you being such a dick for?" Ginny scolds from behind me, I can just hear the glare in her voice.
"Oh I'm sorry Ginny, pardon me for not planning campfire songs and trust falls into my Quidditch practises." I snap, I watch as she steps forward, daring me to say something else, I huff out a breath and pinch my fingers to the bridge of my nose, "I'll be sure to take his ideas into my consideration, happy?"
"No I'm not happy, goddamn it Harry what the hell is wrong with you." She snaps angrily.
I ignore her and pick up my quidditch bag from the cubby hole by the team stands, “I'm going to bed, goodnight Ginny."
"Harry." She snaps again.
I turn around to look at her, my knuckles white from the black Quidditch bag that is clutched in my hands. "What?"
"I asked you a question." She steps forward again, her arms braced around her middle. I step forward too, hoping that she would back off at the sight of me being so close to her. But of course it doesn't, why should have I expected any different? Ginny Weasley never backs down from an argument, in fact she embraces them, she would rather someone implode on her because we all know she can take it.
"And I don't want to answer it."
"Tough."
"Tough?" I can't help the chuckle that makes it's way through my lungs, "what do you mean tough."
"I mean tough, I don't care if I have to pin you to this ground, you are going to tell me what the hell is the matter with you." The blazing look in her eye is telling me that she would, Ginny would pin me to the ground and force me to tell her.
"And I don't care if you don't care. I don't have to tell you anything. So leave me the fuck alone." I say angrily. I don't want to talk to her about my problems and my feelings. Fuck that shit. If I wanted to talk about my feelings I would go to a goddamn therapist. If I wanted to talk about how my mothers bloodcurdling screams torture my eardrums so much so I have to play music then I would, if I wanted to talk about how Cedric's last words chime in my mind like a melody that you can't forget until you hear it again I would, if I wanted to talk about seeing my Godfather die and be carried through the veil I fucking would. But I don't, and I won't. "I don't want to talk about my 'feelings' Ginny, so just leave it the fuck alone."
All she does is grit her jaw and grab her own quidditch bag, "that's fine then. But don't take it out on the people you love if you want to keep it all bottled up Harry. I've been there done that got the T-shirt to prove it. I mean hell I was so depressed and had so much anxiety I didn’t even want to talk to my brother because I was scared that I would danger him."
"That's not fair. We're in two completely different situations and places." I scoff, "at least you actually have a family. You have a support system all I fucking have is me."
My eyes find Ginny's for the first time tonight and without cracking my voice I lower my tone and say, "If I get down on my knees and tell people how I'm feeling I'll never get back up, because I'm fucking weak so excuse me and let me ignore everything." Let me ignore you, please, I beg inside of my mind. /p>
She says something quietly but I can't hear her, the world around me has gone fuzzy. Too fuzzy. her gaze and her stance as strong as ever.
"What?" Is it hot out here? When did it get so warm, so suffocating.
"I said you have me. Fall apart because I will be there to catch you okay? Just talk Harry, please." I start pacing back and forth, kicking up grass, I can't stand still. Not here, not now please.
I let out a frustrated sigh and rub the back of my neck with my hands. "I don't want to talk about it." My throat becomes raw and dry, "please don't make me talk about it Gin."
My jaw grits and I'm looking anywhere but her eyes, feeling another panic attack coming on. My hands tug on my hair harshly, scratching so hard I'm surprised I'm not drawing blood.
Ginny walks over to me warily, "it's alright." She raises her hands upwards and pulls my own from my hair. She moves them down to my sides gently where I find my rings that normally I mess with in these situations not there because I took them off for training. My eyes trail down to my hands as she picks them up and threads her own fingers through mine.
My breathing pattern becomes laboured and short. I close my eyes and try to focus on stopping the images of the dead people I couldn't save wafting their way through my brain. "Harry."
I shake my head and tighten my fingers, my whole body feels numb, overtaken by my failures and my guilt that follows me around everywhere. "Harry open your eyes."
My eyes open on their own accord and find hers immediately, so pathetically fast that I'm surprised I don't get whiplash. My breaths are becoming more and more shallower and it's becoming harder to concentrate on myself instead of the images of all the people I've let down. Cedric, my mom, my dad, Sirius.
"Harry, you need to take deep breaths." Her fingers squeeze around mine, "one breath at a time, in and out."
I shake my head three- four times, "I can't."
"Yes you can." Ginny says confidently, "In and out. Follow me." She looks ridiculous as she makes a big show of breathing in and out.
I try to follow her but on occasions my breathing catches. I try to focus on Ginny, her eyes, her face just her. Anything but the storm raging inside of my mind.
When my breathing slows down enough that I can't feel my heart pounding anymore, I release Ginny's hand. "Thanks." I mumble, red blooming my cheeks from the embarrassment.
"No need to thank me." She says, "and there is definitely no need to be embarrassed." Ginny slowly rises her hand, testing the waters. When her hand comes into contact with my cheek I can't help but lean into her, closing my eyes in the process, "Everyone needs help sometimes Harry. I just wish that you would accept it."
I stop and open my eyes. I move away from her and her warmth and back into the cold. "I've got to go." I say awkwardly. "Night Gin."
She must feel the new tension around me and frowns, "goodnight Harry."