Everyone knew how it ended. The best thing he had ever had.
It wasn’t the fame, he still had that. It wasn’t the band (Although sometimes when things got too hard, got too lonely, Sirius would close his eyes and imagine for a blissful second that he was still on stage with his best friends, until he would inevitably open them again and be faced with the fact that those days were long behind him).
It was Moony.
Remus Lupin. The boy was an enigma, a puzzle waiting to be solved. He was a whirlwind of emotion, of anger and of joy, of passion and of peace. It took a few years for Sirius to realize it, but Remus was the boy he wished to marry.
It looked like it was going to happen, too.
The Marauders were a sensation- the band consisting of himself, James Potter, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew. Named after their self appointed group title back from when they were schoolboys, The Marauders shot quickly into popularity, with Remus’s legendary guitar and bass skills, Sirius’s vocals, James’s keyboard talents, and Peter’s producer connections, the four seemed unstoppable.
Merchandise, tours, money, fame, rehearsals, events, interviews flooded their lives; consumed every fiber of their beings. You could not walk into any nightclub without hearing their music; it made the boys giddy with happiness.
There were nicknames- Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs- also a development from their schooldays, that the boys kept private from the world. There had been some debate whether the nicknames should be their stage presences, an alter ego if you will, but they mostly found this untruthful. If anything, Sirius found that Padfoot was who he truly was, and that Sirius was the mask he wore.
But Sirius blinked, and when he opened his eyes again everything was falling apart. How foolish had he been, to ever take his eyes away from it all.
He should have known better, he had first hand experience with his own family, of putting his guard down only to be struck down, the venom from his mothers tongue almost a decade later still awoke him at nights in a cold sweat. It wasn’t the vile punishments that broke him: the starvation, the beatings, the isolation, the burn. It was always, always, her words. The hatred, the slurs, the poisonous repetitions and reminders of his disgrace, how unworthy he was.
The unraveling of this beautifully woven haven started with an article. Sirius should have just ignored it. James did, Prongs had always been an anchor in his life, bringing him back into reality when he started to float away.
He should have listened to him when he said it was just a rumor, celebrities were always being untruthfully accused of scandalous and sordid affairs, and this was just another case of it. The article (published by the Daily Prophet, one of the most notorious gossip magazines in the music industry) accused Remus Lupin of having an affair with Fabian Prewett, another similarly rising star of hogwarts records. Sirius knew deep down that Moony was not a cheater, but then again- where had he been last night?
Sometimes Moony disappeared. He had been in a horrific car accident when he was five, leaving his beautiful body marred with scars (which Sirius personally thought looked so bloody cool). So, sometimes Remus felt claustrophobic in cars, panic rising and fear plaguing him that they would crash, that he opted to walk home more often than not after a day of recording. The studio wasn’t too far off, and so Sirius would let him cool off and meet him back home. Only the night before, he had returned an hour and a half later than Sirius, and had immediately collapsed on the sofa, falling asleep.
That was, as they say, the beginning of the end. Sirius became resentful, suspicious. He should have known, he was unlovable after all. His mother had told him that many, many times, and how foolish could he have believed that someone who was positively liquid sunlight could see past his darkness.
He started looking for faults in Remus, so that he would not be so crushed when Remus would inevitably confess to his affair, but would find nothing. So he would try harder, and harder, until eventually anything and everything was Moony’s fault.
Looking back, Sirius could see how he was wishing away the best thing he had ever had, because of his own insecurities. But at the time, it made perfect sense. How blind Sirius was to Remus’s questioning stares, his smiles that didn’t reach his eyes, the reservedness he had retired back in school which slowly was creeping back. Sirius was breaking his heart.
And then there was the scandal, a leaked song. They were three days away from releasing their debut album when their title track was leaked to the press. Sirius blamed Remus. He told him so, outwardly, and the remnants of their relationship completely shattered.
And so he left. Remus left, and that was the proof that Sirius needed. Oh how foolish he had been.
Because it was Peter. Peter, their best friend. It all came down to jealousy. He had always stuck out a bit in the group, operated at a slightly different frequency to the other three. And the fact he was their producer made him believe (though the others assured him he was as involved in the band as they) that he was unappreciated and unwanted.
Peter was fired, sued for breeching contract, but the band still split up. Went their separate ways. It was because of Remus, he couldn’t even look at Sirius anymore, but no one really blamed him.
Of course Sirius still saw James, and of course James still saw Remus, but it was the end. Because Sirius never tried remedying anything with Remus, he knew he didn’t deserve it. This beautiful, wonderful, hilarious boy was a shell of the man he had been. Sirius had ruined him and he knew Remus deserved better. So he stayed away, sometimes spending weeks coupes up in their (no, not their anymore, but his) apartment until James would come and bring him back into the real world.
He started a solo career, and so did James. Remus joined a new band, then left. He wasn’t actually quite sure what Remus was doing, but he wished that whatever it was he was happy. It had been three years, five months, and twelve days exactly to when Remus walked out if his life, and still his every thought revolved around him. Did he ever go to Venice, like he had dreamed? Did he ever adopt a cat? Was he still so golden, or had Padfoot worn it all away?
And so, it came as quite a surprise when he heard the announcement. Remus Lupin was releasing a single. He had thought Moony was completely done with music, but sirius should have known better. He had never seen Moony so enamored with anything else. Except maybe Sirius.
Sirius had decided not to listen to it, he couldn’t bear it. How was he supposed to move on (what a false fantasy) if he had to listen to those rugged vocals and that soft whispers and those delicate fingers strumming his guitar? He didn’t, but then he did. It lasted half a day avoiding pressing play, but was caught short driving and hearing Moony’s familiar voice play through his car radio.
When Sirius thought it couldn’t get any worse, he saw the song’s name. Star. It could just be a coincidence, but no, he knew Remus had always been extremely calculated and precise. The song was about him and he knew it, couldn’t quite believe it. Maybe he was as plagued by Sirius and Sirius was by him. Maybe he longed as he did. Maybe, just maybe.
He was balling by the first chord. It was beautiful. But it was about then not now. Filled with “I loved you”s and not I love you’”s. Filled with “was” and not “am”. Filled with the past, angry and sad and frustrated, and Sirius couldn’t take it. And yet, it was beautiful, it’s melody surged through his veins and so, quite inexplicably so, when Sirius got home, he put it on again and danced and danced and danced.
James called. He asked how Sirius was holding up. He could have laughed (well, he actually did laugh) because how could James be so stupid. He was a wreck and James, anchoring him once again, suggested he write- the best way he had found tackling his emotions. And so he did.
This was a song for Remus, and only Remus would know it, because the world didn’t know about Moony. It was a brazen act, yet so safe, that of his plan failed he would not be subjected to the torment and ridicule of the press. It was the only way Moony could ever truly know how sorry he was, that he loved him so much, the only ways Sirius could reach him.
A month of writing, a month of recording and editing all done by Sirius himself (who had become his own producer after the incident) and was ready for release at midnight. He had decided there would be no announcement, no promo, no tour or merchandise to accompany it. No album nor interviews. This was moony’s song, and he would not exploit it.
It was 11:58 and he sat alone in the dark of his room waiting for time to pass, ready to crawl out of his skin. The cover photo was a vase, abstract to anyone who didn’t know them, but it had been a housewarming gift half a decade ago given by their friends. A vase, that unbeknownst to Sirius until a year and a half after Remus left, was the hiding place to the engagement ring that he had bought him. Sirius broke when he found it.
In ten seconds the song would be released and Sirius closed his eyes, praying to anyone or anything that was listening that Remus would find it. That he would listen to it. That he would reply. That he still loved him. That Sirius could be forgiven, when he knew he didn’t deserve it.
His phone exploded, notification after notification signifying that the song had been released, making him open his eyes again. He pressed play and let the song echo through the space, and Sirius began to cry. It was not the all engulfing sobs that wracked through his whole being when he usually thought of his lost love.
It was mournful, this was the last hope he had of at least talking to Remus again, and there was a strange finality to it. If Moony did not reply, he would have to accept it. He would have to finally move on. He would have to be okay, and maybe, just maybe, he already was. Sirius lay back down again and listened to his message, praying that a tawny-haired bassist was doing the same.
…
I was addicted
I was addicted to the sound of your voice
You knew that I was
You were a victim
You were a victim of the things that you loved
The pressure was too much
We were always running,
we were running away
From everything we said we'd do yesterday
You were running from another when you ran into my arms
I'm such a mess
I'm such a wreck
And I just don't know what to do
It's been three years and seven months
And I'm still in love with you
Well, hey, Moony, I heard your song
They played it on the radio
And your voice has the perfect sound
It makes me want to drown
Well, hey, Moony, I heard your song
They played it on Radio One
And you still have the perfect voice
It could send me to sleep again
Your story's twisted
You chewed it up and spat it out like a bone
It made no sense at all
And I'm not vindictive
But every lyric was just too close to home
How could you be so cold?
Oh, I feel alone ever since you've been gone
And now I sit by the radio
And time moves slowly
Hey, Moony, I heard your song
They played it on the radio
And your voice has the perfect sound
It makes me want to drown
It’s 3 AM and I’m online
Googling pictures of you
I hate the person I've become
And I know that you would too
So I wrote this song for you
I hope that it finds you somehow
And if you don't reply by next winter
I'll drown myself in the Hudson River
Hey, Moony, I heard your song (I heard it)
It made me dance, but I know that it's wrong (I know why)
I'm sick and tired of singing along
But you're stuck in my head and my love's taking hold, uh-oh
Hey, Moony, I heard your song (I heard it)
I turn it off but always turn it back on (And now I)
I'm sick and tired of being alone
There's a hole in my heart, but I want you to know I'm okay.