Oh hey Lily
Lily was perfectly happy minding her own business. She was happy waking up and mentally running herself through what life-threatening danger she and her friends had to live through each day. She went through the day and did what the people of higher authority asked of her, trying to stay as same as possible in the process. She had dinner and tried to relax but always ended up visiting her friends to make sure they were okay. She was the helpful friend when she was able to and she was the unwilling warrior the rest of the time. Her dad had always said she took on too much weight of the family troubles than other children and that it would lead her to care too much for others but Lily didn’t care. Her friends needed her more than anything. Her life was shit and she knew that. She had issues and she accepted them. She was living in a war, it was impossible to get out unscathed. So she just tried her best; things were shit but Lily was used to it. Strangely, things were stable. There was a set group of people she could trust and she did her best to spend as much time with them as she could whilst that was still possible. She had a good idea of what was going on around her and used that to lead her along in life. This is why her first reaction to reading James’ letter was not typical for her. It’s why it wasn’t pity or relief or worry or even pride. It’s why her initial reaction was anger.
She immediately huffed and slammed the paper down onto the table, covering her eyes with a hand. She couldn’t help but hate James for piling this onto her for seemingly no reason. He said that he was perfectly fine and then went on to tell her what to do in the event of his death, did he know how insensitive he was? These people he was with chose the side that wanted to kill her for simply existing, it wasn’t like him so all to suddenly support them. That should have been proof that they had changed but he had given no proof of that, there was nothing to show that they had truly switched sides. Fuck James. He knew how much she was suffering here, she had finally started to feel stable in this way and he goes and messes it up just because he wants someone to spill all his secrets to. She should hate him. But he was one of the best friends she had so she was only able to be furious. Lucky James.
“Lils? You okay?” She looked up to see Pandora lurking in the doorway. “I heard a slam, everything alright?”
“Oh, yes, I’m okay, I just knocked the candle to the floor, I’m okay. When are the others arriving?” She tucked the letter away so she wouldn’t get questioned on it Pandora paused and smiled.
“I believe Remus said 6. Are you still okay with that? You look a little bit stressed.” She walked closer and crouched down in front of Lily, taking her hands gently and looking her in the eye. “You can tell me if you want to cancel, they’ll be okay with it.”
Lily shook her head and slipped one of her hands out of Pandora’s grasp, using it to cup her cheek instead as she smiled back, trying to look as calm as possible. “I’m fine, it’s just reality catching up with me. I’ll be okay, everyone else being around will help, I promise.”
“Tell me if you change your mind?”
She nodded and kissed Pandora softly. “Promise.”
“Okay, I’ll call you down when they’re here.”
She stood up and Lily grinned up at her. “Thank you.”
-
Their friends being there, in fact, did not help. If anything, it made it worse. Especially Marlene and Sirius. Sirius was the closest to James and Marlene was the only other one who knew about James’...past romantic interests yet she didn’t seem to have received a letter. James probably didn’t even realise how selfish he was being.
“Alright, Lils?” Peter murmured as he slumped onto the sofa next to her. “Looking a bit glum, we’re not boring you, are we?”
“No, of course you aren’t. I’m just a little worried.” She needed I know as much as she could about what James had told the others so she knew what she could and couldn’t say around them without blowing his cover. She didn’t even know why she was agreeing to help. “Do you know what’s happened to James? I know he has been sent out but do you know anything else?”
Peter stopped to think for a minute. “He didn’t really say much else. We didn’t talk about it a lot to be fair, I heard most of it from the other two but even they didn’t have much to go on. Apparently, Dumbledore sent him off to do something important and made him swear not to tell anyone. It did seem a bit off though, we can't ask Dumbledore because he’ll brush it off and might get angry at James but something about the whole thing feels wrong, Remus agrees and even Sirius said they were uncertain. We know no more than you, Lil, sorry.”
“Right, yeah, I knew you wouldn’t know too much but wanted to check anyway. Thanks, Pete.”
He shrugged and took a swig of his drink, leaning back against the sofa. “No problem, sorry I was so unhelpful. I really wish I knew where he was, we’re all panicking a lot and I bet you are too, you’re just as good a friend to him as the rest of us.”
“It’s fine, you told me what you could,” She stood up, suddenly feeling rather guilty. “I’m just gonna pop upstairs to do something, I’ll be back in a sec.” She made her way through to the living room door but was caught by the arm by Pandora, who looked slightly concerned.
“You okay, sweet?”
Nodding quickly, Lily leaned in to whisper to her without raising any further worry in the room. “I’m fine, I just feel really drained. I’m going to go upstairs for a bit but I should be back down for dinner.”
Pandora nodded and placed a hand on the back of Lily’s neck, pulling her in to meet her with a sweet kiss. “Don’t force yourself back down until you’re ready. Get some rest and if you need anything, call me. Okay?”
“Okay,” She rested their foreheads together for a moment and closed her eyes, trying to push back the guilt of lying. “You're perfect, you know that?”
Pandora chuckled and rested a hand on her shoulder. “Just doing what any good partner would do. Go on, go upstairs and relax.”
As she left she heard Sirius mutter something to Pandora about insufferable lovebirds and couldn’t help but smile.
-
It took a while for her to think of a response to James’ letter but eventually, she settled on something simple.
James,
You’re an idiot.
He didn’t respond until the next morning, which gave Lily a chance to calm herself down a little and try to convince herself that everything was fine.
Lily,
I know. Believe me, I know. Sorry, I couldn’t respond until now, I didn’t know if I would be getting a response or not so I didn’t ask anyone to loosen the wards so the owl could get it. The wards are ridiculously strong, even a patronus message can’t get through! I did ask Barty last night if he could remember to ask Reg about adjusting them in case you did respond but I think he was too tired.
I’m sorry to chuck this all on you and everything but I can trust you the most. I promise I can trust them and they are not trying to harm me. I’m not just saying that because I love them, I am saying it because they really have changed (and maybe I only believed that so soon because I love them but you need to have at least a little faith in me).
When I’ve done this, everything will be okay.
-James x
She wanted to punch a wall whilst reading that. How could he be so ignorant yet so trustworthy at the same time?
Her response was, again, rather short.
James,
I believe you. Do what you must but please try to keep from sending me too much more, you’re stressing me out and it’s making me feel guilty.
She got one last reply a few hours later.
Lils,
I understand, I’m sorry, I won’t. Thank you for telling me.
Well, that was easy. Now came the constant lying.