Final Decisions
James should have expected this to happen. It only made sense that these memories found a way to resurface after the recent events he had experienced. He wished they wouldn’t. He didn’t want past regrets to interfere with his decision but he couldn’t repress the memory. The memory of the atmosphere in the room, the way it had grown tenser by the second, the glances Barty and Regulus kept sharing, the way Evan had collapsed into his arms, weaker than he had ever seen them. The fear on his face as James had snapped at him, the tear stains on his face as he tried to explain. James hated the way he had cut off that explanation. He hated the way that he had left before any of them got to tell him the full truth. Maybe if he had stayed, they would have been able to figure things out and he wouldn‘t have had to spend the last 6 months trying to forget about them and teach himself to hate every bit of them.
He smiled as Remus opened the door and let him in, almost screaming when Peter jumped at him, hugging him tightly before pulling away and hitting him 7 times across the shoulder.
“Ow! Pete, what the fuck?”
“That’s what you get for disappearing with no explanation, you evil prick!”
James grabbed his shoulder and moved away from Peter. “Okay, okay! I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. Anything to stop you from pummelling me again.”
“Oh don’t be dramatic, it was a light slap and after the bloody stress you put us all through, you absolutely deserved it!”
“Okay, fine, I deserved it. Can I please come in now? I would like to say goodbye to my friends properly before I disappear to Merlin knows where, if you don’t mind.”
Peter scowled but opened the door, letting him into Remus and Sirius’ flat. Sirius looked around from the sofa to see him and frowned.
“You alright? You look a bit miserable.”
Pausing, James felt his eyes widen as he tried to think of a reason why he was sad that wasn’t the whole ‘I dated your brother and two of his friends and am now remembering our break up because I am about to go and help them defeat Voldemort.’ because that really wouldn’t help matters at all.
“Just sad I won’t be seeing you guys for a while.”
She hummed and patted the empty space on the sofa for James to sit down. “Can you at least tell us where you are going? We won’t tell anyone we know, I swear.”
“I really can’t. Dumbles made me swear.”
“As in…an unbreakable vow?”
James nodded and the three others shared shocked looks. He couldn’t help but feel guilty for lying to them even more.
“Merlin, that really must have been important! Do you think it’s dangerous?”
The warnings his boys had given him ran through his mind.
“Yes. I think it’s pretty bad. That’s why I’m not allowed to tell anyone. I could probably die or something.”
Sirius looked more than terrified. “What do you mean? Why would you agree if you might die?!”
“Sirius, look, everything is dangerous now, okay? Almost anything can get you killed these days, this only slightly increases my chance. And I’ll be careful, okay? I promise I’ll be careful.”
“Fine.”
“Sirius-“
They turned away. “I said fine.”
-
James shuffled around at the front door, waiting for someone to come and open it. He was surprised he had been able to apparate there, whatever wards they had put up weren’t stopping him from getting in but they made the memory of the house deteriorate slowly in his mind, like paper being soaked in water.
The door opened slowly and James found himself unable to breathe at the sight of Evan on the other side. He had looked much scruffier the day before. Stress, James had guessed. But now he looked…different. He had never seen him dress the way he wanted to whilst they were at school, he was always wearing either uniform or a Slytherin hoodie. But now he looked like he was supposed to be attending some sort of party. He was wearing a deep purple silk button-up with only two buttons fastened and black tuxedo bottoms. Rather extravagant for just staying at home but James didn’t mind.
“You look good.” He regretted it the moment he said it. Oh for fuck’s sake James, now you look like a creep!
Evan looked down at his outfit and then back at James, a pretty blush spreading across his cheeks. “Yeah, well, I looked a bit shit yesterday. You were stressing us all out so I didn’t have time to get changed and put my glamours on to get rid of these,” he gestured at his chest, which was completely flat but James still got his point. “So I looked a bit like a grubby, unwashed woman.” He shrugged miserably and then shook his head, opening the door wider and stepping to the side. “That’s not important, come on, the others should be ready soon, Barty is just getting out of the shower and Reg is in the garden. You’re earlier than we expected.”
He smiled at Evan and stepped inside, resting a hand on his arm as he walked into the room. “I don’t think you looked like a grubby woman, you looked lovely. You always look lovely.”
He walked through before he could see whatever blush Evan undoubtedly had, knowing he probably shouldn’t have said it but also knowing it was nothing but the truth.
-
“I have thought about it.” He looked around the room nervously.
Regulus shuffled in his seat and raised an eyebrow. “And?”
“I do want to help. I want to help you find and destroy it. I want to help defeat Voldemort.”
Evan flinched at the name but James ignored it, looking at the pride on Barty’s face.
“I knew you wouldn’t change your mind.”
Regulus was still very unsure.“Do you promise you have thought it through properly? What will you say to…your friends?”
“I’ve already told them I’m going on a mission for Dumbledore, that I leave today and that we vowed to not tell anyone what it is.”
Regulus looked mildly impressed. “Okay…and what if they ask Dumbledore about it?”
“They won’t.”
He heard Regulus scoff and looked up, making direct eye contact. “They won’t.” He repeated, slower and louder than before.
“Fine, okay, if you’re sure.”
“I am.”
Regulus nodded sharply and looked away. “Good. I suppose you’re staying, then?”
“Well I did think I would be but-“
“No, it’s fine. You can stay. Better here than anywhere else, you’re safer with us.” He stood up and walked over to the door to head to the kitchen, turning around and looking at James just before he stepped out of the room, looking somewhat sad. “Any preferences for dinner?“
James took a moment to think but his train of thought was interrupted by Barty.
“Spag Bol with lots of garlic and no veg in the sauce.” James frowned as Barty turned to grin at him. “That is still your favourite, right?”
James found himself hesitating and nodding slowly. “Yeah, it is. Did you remember that from the summers too?”
He laughed and shook his head. “No, I never stayed around for dinner in the summers, remember? I snuck in, hung around for a bit and left. I remember it from last December. Two days after Reg’s birthday, we were cuddling and chatting in my bed whilst Reg was in the library. Ev had gone home for Christmas and we were talking about anything that came to mind to pass the time. I asked you what your favourite food was and you said that.”
James gawked slightly, looking like a dying fish.
“Do you remember every interaction we ever had?”
“Don’t you?”
Regulus attempted to butt in but Barty beat him to it. “I got the stuff in earlier,” he turned and winked at James. “I had a feeling you’d be staying with us.”
-
Dinner was a rather awkward affair. James had sat in relative silence whilst the other three spoke about things and people he didn’t know. He was planning to suffer through it and then clear off to whatever room they wanted him to stay in without his usual level off fussing and attention seeking but then he heard Barty mention his name.
“James can go with you.”
Regulus let his fork clatter onto his plate. “Are you sure that’s wise?”
Barty shrugged. “I mean it’s not like he’s a target, is it? They’re not going to kill him the minute they see him. He’ll be fine.”
James leaned his elbows against the table, ignoring the stare of horror Regulus gave him for it. “What are you talking about? I wasn’t listening.”
Evan took a sip of his drink and looks up at James.
In three day’s time, Ludlow Hurley is throwing a gathering, just a small affair for people who admire his work. I’m going to go and see if I can get any information on the horcruxes. There are only three known ways to destroy them and I don’t know if the killing curse will even work on an inanimate object so we want to see if he had any other ideas. Barty wanted you to come with me.”
“Ludlow Hurley?”
Evan nodded. “Yeah, dark arts specialist. He’s well known among his kind but not as much among wizard kind because he’s a vampire.” He went back to eating his food and James stared at him, not understanding how he could say that so casually.
“You’re going to chat with a vampire? And you want to take me with you? Aren’t they dangerous?”
Evan shrugged distractedly. “Isn’t everything? They’re only deadly if you provoke them, their teeth don’t make them more dangerous, they’re just like wizards with a wand. They have a tool that helps them in life but only use it to hurt someone if it’s truly necessary. Why are you so judgemental? I thought your side was supposed to be against prejudice?”
“There is no my side, I’m on your side.”
Evan smiled at him. “Exactly. They aren’t any more dangerous than the rest of us. It’ll be fine. Do you want to join me or not?”
Barty leaned back, resting his feet against the arm of James’ chair. James could practically hear Regulus’ eyes bulging.
“He could do with your charisma. Hurley is very susceptible to a good flirt so you would definitely benefit Ev in that aspect.”
Evan laughed sharply and raised his eyebrows. “I’m sorry? James’ charisma will be too much and get the both of us killed-“
“Hey! I thought you said they weren’t dangerous unless-“
Evan ignored him and continued glaring at Barty. “So I think my flirting skills will win us the information perfectly well, thank you.”
That caused Barty to snort. “Sure. Your flirting skills are worse than…I don’t know where I was going with that but you get my point. They’re bad. You can’t flirt for your own life.”
Evan stopped frowning and leaned back in his chair, looking Barty up and down slowly before making eye contact and smirking. Barty’s eyes widened and his face went red, he took a big gulp of his drink and looked away.
“Yeah, okay, point taken. But I still think you should take James with you. For extra assistance.”
James still wasn’t too sure about chatting and flirting with a vampire but found himself agreeing anyway. He couldn’t exactly decline the first task he was given, could he? “Fine: I’ll go.”
They all nodded and Regulus pointed at Barty. “You can pick out some of his clothes to borrow, you’re both a similar size and I assume you didn’t bring formal wear with you?”
James shook his head. “No, I don’t really own any.”
“Perfect.”
-
James had been given the spare room at the back of the house. Apparently it got cold at night and the muggle boiler was loud but it was better than the sofa. He had ended up sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands, thinking about everything that had happened the last few days.
He had changed his mind and done so many things impulsively that he almost thought he would do anything his boys asked him to, no matter what.
The main feeling he was experiencing was guilt. He felt guilt over barging into the lives of people who had grown to be happy without him. He felt guilt over lying to his friends so much and pretending it didn’t bother him. He felt guilt over betraying his side, even if it was the right thing to do. He felt so much guilt about letting himself get close to Barty again, knowing he had no right to ruin everyone’s relationships like that.
“Fuck.” He rubbed his hands over his face, digging his fingertips into his eyelids and groaning as he felt tears dry up on his cheeks. “Come on, James. Get a grip. You need to stop being dumb. You can’t just let your ex kiss you and pretend nothing happened the next day. You need to do something you absolute-“
He heard a knock on the door and sat up straight, rubbing the tears away as best he could and calling out a small ‘come in!’
Evan creeped through the door and stood awkwardly in the middle of the room. “Erm, hey.”
“Hi?”
Evan stared awkwardly for a few seconds and then shuffled a bit. “I erm, I just took off my glamours and I… I sort of keep my bras in here, so…”
James stared blankly for a few seconds, then he shook his head and shuffled back into the middle of the mattress, out of the way of wherever Evan needed to go.
“No, yeah, don’t worry about it. Sorry. Just…yeah, grab what you need.”
Evan smiled thankfully and walked swiftly across the space, opening a drawer and shuffling around, grabbing one and turning back to James.
“Sorry.“
James rolled his eyes fondly. Evan always did apologise too much. His confidence fluctuated a lot and James had found himself witnessing that a lot recently. It was almost like he couldn’t make his mind up about how much he trusted James not to hurt him. It was almost as if, deep down, he knew that he never would, but the events from March had left him too wary or James that he couldn’t let himself trust him fully.
That sent another shock of guilt through James but he ignored it and smiled warmly at Evan.
“Don’t apologise for where you keep your own belongings. This is your house.”
Evan nodded and turned to leave.
“Good night, Evs.” James called out behind him. The nickname had left his lips before he could even attempt to stop it. So familiar on his lips yet so forgotten. He watched as Evan twitched slightly at the sound of James saying it, smiling as Evan turned around with a matching smile on his face.
“Good night, Jamie.”