“And ain't it funny
How you said you were friends?
Now it sure as hell don't look like it
You betrayed me
And I know that you'll never feel sorry”
Marlene McKinnon’s twenty years of life thus far had been full of surprises. Not all were good, but certainly, they all reminded her how much her life had to offer. She’d never expected one of her best friends, Remus Lupin, to be a werewolf. She’d never expected Lily Evans to actually realize her feelings for James Potter, let alone marry him. She hadn’t expected that their youths were to be sacrificed to war; to a battle that felt so beyond the scope of a couple of teenagers. She hadn’t expected Harry Potter (though, perhaps, she didn’t think Lily and James had even expected him). She certainly had never expected that most mornings in her late teens and early twenties that she would wake up in a bed next to Dorcas Meadowes, as she did one warm, sunny morning in July of 1981.
“Good morning,” Marlene heard Dorcas whisper. Marlene could almost hear the smile on Dorcas’s face, and the thought alone was enough to make her open her eyes.
Next to her, Dorcas lay under the blankets, a patch of sunlight from the window bathing her in a summer-morning glow. Marlene was sure she didn’t look half as radiant – she was still recovering from her drinks the night before – but Dorcas looked at her as if she had never looked more beautiful.
“Morning,” Marlene said, squinting her eyes against the sun. She could already feel the sweat at her temples – the promise of another warm day.
“So,” Dorcas said, propping herself up on an elbow. “I loved getting to play with Harry last night. Isn’t he just the cutest ?”
Marlene couldn’t help but crack a smile, knowing where this conversation was heading. “Please, no talk of babies this early in the morning,” she sighed, feigning exasperation.
Truth be told, the night before, Marlene had begun to think seriously about her future. It had been late, after an Order meeting, and they had all been gathered at the Potters’ home: Her, Dorcas, James, Lily, Remus, Sirius, and Peter. Harry, of course, was there, the newest addition to their group. The only one missing was Mary, who, along with most things from the wizarding world that weren’t her friends, had sworn off these post-Order dinners.
They had all sat in the living room of the house, perched on the furniture or sitting on the floor, laughing and talking as if nothing outside of those walls mattered. Lily and James sat on the couch, his arm around her shoulders, leaning into each other, a sure sign of the exhaustion they all faced those days. Marlene and Remus occupied two armchairs facing the couch, though they both had their gazes trained on the people sitting on the floor. There, Sirius and Dorcas fawned over Harry. Sirius was determined to be Harry’s biggest fan and the best possible godfather, so he spent every minute that they were all together lauding Harry’s every movement and babble. Dorcas was suffering from an intense case of baby fever, constantly bringing up to Marlene that she wanted desperately to adopt a lonely orphan witch or wizard who would carry on her legacy at Hogwarts. At first, Marlene had shaken her head at this, telling Dorcas that they were far too young and had plenty of years left to worry about adopting a child.
Those thoughts had previously seemed silly, but now, as Marlene watched Dorcas giggle and play with Harry, she suddenly felt quite a bit more serious. Marlene knew in the back of her mind that each day was not guaranteed for any of them, not with this violence and bloodshed practically knocking on their doors, but those thoughts were far from the front of her mind at that moment. Her future seemed to stretch on infinitely as she allowed herself to imagine what it would look like. The war would end, and, in this future of hers, they were all miraculously still alive. Exhausted and carrying heavy sadness, yes, but alive. Things would get better. Marlene would finally give in to Dorcas and they would adopt a wonderful witch or wizard. She could practically see them waving frantically on the platform as their child smiled back at them through the window of the train. She saw Lily and James there with her, boarding Harry onto the train. Remus, Sirius, and Peter would be there, of course, never wanting to miss out on big moments like these. They would all be happy. There would be so many more birthdays, dinners, and laughs. They would watch one another grow old. They would live.
That night, Marlene watched Dorcas with Harry, watched her friends around the room, and felt, perhaps, for the first time, that they would all survive this war – and they would once again be the happy, carefree, friends of the past.
Had Marlene not been watching Dorcas so closely that night, or perhaps had made more effort to overcome her weariness and have more conversations with her friends, she would have noticed how Peter sat aloof for most of the night and didn’t speak frequently. She would have noticed bags under his eyes and the way he looked around at all of them with sorrow in his eyes and what seemed to be a weight on his shoulders, one that perhaps Marlene could have recognized as guilt.
Perhaps, if she had known that, in less than a day, all of this would cease to exist for her, she would have laughed more and drank less, had taken time to speak with all of her friends and tell them how they meant the world to her. She would have given up her fleeting fantasies of the future and realized that it was all for naught, that none of it would ever come true for her.
Marlene McKinnon did not look around that night. She was blissfully unaware that this was her last night on this earth. As she watched the love of her life from beneath closing lids, she was able to dream of a future that she would never have.
None of this, of course, crossed Marlene’s mind as she lay in bed with Dorcas the next morning. She thought back to her feelings from the night before, however, and smiled as she looked at Dorcas.
“Now that you mention it,” Marlene said. “Harry is quite adorable.”
For the rest of the hour, the two of them slowly drew themselves from the comfort of the bed, with the thought that it would only be a day or two at most before they returned to it. They threw open the curtains, made the bed, and had a quick breakfast in the kitchen. From there, they parted ways. Dorcas had plans to meet Dumbledore to discuss Order business, and Marlene was off to spend the afternoon and evening with her parents.
Dorcas left first, and before she reached out to open the door, Marlene pulled her in for a goodbye kiss. Neither of them knew that this lovely, sunlit kiss would be their last moment together, that this goodbye was final. In the days between Marlene’s death and her own, Dorcas would linger on these last few minutes that they spent together, wishing she had done something differently, wishing that she had saved Marlene. None of that mattered, because, as they kissed in the afternoon light, they believed that they were bound for forever.
—-
That evening, Marlene sat in the cozy homeliness of her parents’ kitchen, a smile on her face as her parents bickered good-naturedly over whether they should have green beans or potatoes with their dinner. She had finished setting the table for the three of them – a nostalgic nod to her childhood chore – and was regaling her parents with tales of her friends. They were, in particular, interested in hearing about Harry.
“I bet he’s just the sweetest ,” her mother gushed. “Although, perhaps he’s got his father’s mischievousness.”
Marlene laughed, “He may take after James in his attitude, but his eyes are the exact same as Lily’s.”
“I wish I could meet him,” her mother said. “If I wasn’t worried sick about the Potters, I would ask them to bring him over here so I could see those beautiful eyes.”
“Well,” Marlene said. “Lily did give us all some photos from one of our most recent dinners. I can go grab them from my overnight bag upstairs if you’d like to see some photographs of Harry?”
“That would be lovely,” her mother said, and her father nodded in agreement.
“I’ll go grab them now,” Marlene said.
On the table, she set down her glass of water next to her wand. She didn’t think she would have to use it, but she liked the comfort of having it there. She left it on the table as she stood up, figuring she wouldn’t really need it to go grab a couple of photos. Marlene made her way upstairs to her childhood bedroom, where she had stashed her overnight bag. She had stashed everything in the bag in a bit of a rush that morning, seeing as she was more content to spend time with Dorcas than she was to pack. She started removing items from the bag, digging around for the photos, when she heard the telltale crack of apparition outside.
Her heart began pounding wildly, and she crept towards the window. An immense sense of relief flooded her body as she looked down at the drive and recognized the form of Peter making his way to the front door. His visit was unexpected, which should have set off warning bells in Marlene’s mind, but talk of her friends earlier with her parents just made her happy to see Peter. She turned back to the bag, deciding that her parents would love to chat with Peter, and they could all look at the photographs together. She heard the doorbell ring, and the sound of her father walking to open the door. As soon as she heard the door close, she felt as though the air in the house had shifted.
Marlene stopped what she was doing and crept towards the door. Every step felt booming, and she was grateful that she’d had the sense to pull the door to the room closed behind her (an old habit from her time as a teen, she supposed). She didn’t know why she suddenly felt on edge like this – it was only Peter, after all.
Her question was answered just a moment later when she heard her mother’s raised voice, “We told you, she’s not here!”
After that, Marlene wasn’t even sure what she heard. There was noise, yelling, and then a thud. A scream followed, but it was cut short. An eerie, hair-raising silence seemed to blanket the house after that. Marlene’s mind was screaming at the wrongness of this, but adrenaline sharpened her focus. She was in danger.
Another surprise to add to her list, one that she certainly hadn’t seen coming: her parents were hurt, or, perhaps, dead, and Peter Pettigrew was coming to kill her.
As quietly as she could, Marlene scanned her surroundings for a place to hide, for a route to escape. Dread settled over her, coiling deep in her soul. Her mind couldn’t help but think back to the countless games of chess in the common room, how Peter had slowly crept in, capturing pieces and squeezing his opponent into a corner before he struck. No matter where she hid, no matter where she went, Peter was going to find her. She was the king, and she had been forced to cower in her corner of the board and wait for the fatal blow.
Marlene grabbed a letter opener off the top of her desk and held it like a knife as she crept towards the door. She figured that surprise would be her best strategy, and her one chance to hurt Peter before he could do worse to her. Goosebumps rose on her arms as she heard the noise of footsteps coming up the stairs, and heard the calling of her name.
“Marls? Marlene? I think something awful’s happened with your parents. I need to make sure you’re safe,” that warm, honest voice called out, hoping to lure her out of hiding.
Peter’s voice was so familiar, so friendly, that Marlene had to remind herself that he was now her enemy, that he had no intention of making sure she was safe. He had betrayed her, and he was here, most likely, under order of the Dark Lord. She held her breath as the footsteps stopped outside of the door, where she knew Peter was probably looking at the hand-drawn sign that read her name.
“Marlene? Are you in here? It’s Peter, I’m here to help,” the voice called, so near to her that she could almost hear the tremble of guilt laced through Peter’s lie.
Slowly, painfully, the door swept open, and Marlene raised her makeshift weapon towards her attacker. As soon as Peter stepped through the door, Marlene leaped forward, making a desperate bid for his chest or his neck, hoping to wound him to the point that he would drop his wand. Her movement must have caught in his peripheral, because, as she lunged, Peter turned slightly, and she stabbed him in the shoulder instead of the neck. He swore, turning to face Marlene, and held up his wand.
“Why would you attack me, Marls?” He asked, his voice almost wheedling. “I thought we were friends.”
Marlene lunged forward one more time, trying to knock his wand away, trying to save herself, but all it took was a simple Petrificus Totalus and Marlene McKinnon knew her life was over.
She fell to the floor, arms and legs snapping together, head ringing from the impact on the hardwood flooring. Peter stood above her, looking down at her, and she recognized this spell as just another move on his chessboard. He had a clear shot at checkmate, and she knew he would take it. He crouched down next to her, frowning, as if he was disappointed in either her or himself.
“Oh, Marlene,” he sighed, his face scrunched up in genuine sadness. “We wouldn’t be here tonight if you had listened to me, if you had joined our side. I would have saved you.”
Marlene understood why Peter had used Petrificus Totalus on her instead of just killing her. It was both a final act of mercy and one of cruelty. He took away her ability to fight back, to talk any sense into him, to try and save herself. At the same time, it was a small mercy that she wouldn’t be able to whimper, cry, or plead in these last few moments. Peter knew her well enough to know that she would never want to die like that.
She thought about Lily and James, how the spy they were so worried about was none other than one of their most trusted friends. She thought about how Remus and Sirius had secretly been wondering to Marlene and James, respectively, about whether the other was to be trusted. None of them knew that Peter had betrayed them, and in these final, paralyzed moments, she realized that they wouldn’t know until it was too late to save them.
From the corner of her eye, she could see a moving photo propped up in a frame on her desk, the whole group of them laughing and smiling at each other. It had been taken the day before they departed Hogwarts for the last time, all of them smiling and already nostalgic for their youths. Marlene took some comfort in seeing those two-dimensional smiling faces. She wouldn’t die alone.
Peter must have seen the photo, too, because he stood up from the floor and walked over to her desk, picking up the picture. In the light from her desk lamp, she saw tears tracing their way down his cheeks. “I miss it,” he said, his voice coming out strangled. “It was all so simple back then.”
Marlene watched as he set the frame back on the desk, face-down, as if he didn’t want his friends to witness the unforgivable act he was about to commit. He walked slowly back to where Marlene lay and looked down at her. He held his arm out, hand shaking as he pointed his wand at her, eyes ready to close so he didn’t have to watch himself kill her.
In those last moments, Marlene McKinnon did not think of betrayal, or even of the war. She thought of Lily, James, Remus, Mary, and Sirius, crowded at the table in the Great Hall, laughing and teasing each other, whining about exams and homework. She thought of their long, lazy summers, where they spent hours sweating in the booths of various bars, talking late into the night. She thought of that very morning, waking up in the light of day and seeing the love of her life next to her. When Marlene McKinnon died, she was thinking about all of the people she loved, and nothing else.
—
“God, I wish that you had thought this through
Before I went and fell in love with you”
Mary MacDonald had never known Marlene McKinnon to be this late for their weekend brunches. Mary had only shown up a couple of minutes ago, but she had expected Marlene to already be outside and ready, like she always was. Each time, Mary had taken the bus in and suffered the walk down the street, rewarded by the sight of one of her best friends waiting outside and smiling. Mary felt some sort of strange feeling in the back of her mind, as if something was wrong, but she pushed it aside. She figured Marlene’s parents were the reason for her being late, likely doting on their daughter as they always did.
Mary frowned and knocked on the front door, as she had already done twice. She tried not to let her mind drift to all the worst possible scenarios, but it was getting harder the longer she stood in front of the door, knocking and praying for someone to answer. She figured that the first two knocks, perhaps, may not have been heard, especially if the house was busy with a bustling family. The third, however, could not have possibly been unheard, echoing desperately through the house. Mary felt her heartbeat quicken.
A quick Alohomora charm had the lock on the door clicking open, which Mary thought was a bad sign – certainly, Marlene would have put up some kind of wards to protect her parents, nothing that could have been undone so easily. With a growing sense of dread, Mary swung open the door and stepped into the house.
Mary held her wand out in front of her, trying to remember every offensive and protective spell she had ever learned, and hoping she wouldn’t have to use any of them. She crept through the front room, towards the kitchen, where a light seemed to still be on. When she turned the corner, the first thing she saw was the kitchen table, all set for a meal. Her focus fell to the ground, and her hand moved to cover her mouth. On the floor lay Marlene’s parents, both dead. Marlene’s mother was dressed for a dinner that had never happened, and her father held a now-broken glass, as if he had been pouring a drink for someone.
Mary had never been one for religion, but all she could think to say at that moment was, “Oh, God.”
With a hand still clutched over her mouth, Mary turned and stumbled towards the staircase, her guard dropped now that panic had taken over. She shouted Marlene’s name over and over as she made her way upstairs, her voice becoming more and more strangled as she reached Marlene’s room. The door to Marlene’s room was halfway open, and Mary fell to her knees as she caught a glimpse of Marlene’s favorite boots through the door, which, as she soon realized, were attached to a body.
“No, no, no, no,” Mary found herself saying as she crawled through the doorway on her hands and knees. A sob pulled its way out of her throat when she glimpsed Marlene’s cold, ashen face, paralyzed in a look of fear. Mary dragged herself across the floor towards Marlene’s body until she was able to hold Marlene’s face between her hands. Her skin was so cold, her once-beautiful eyes cloudy and unseeing.
“Please,” Mary begged, “please wake up. Please come back to me.”
Mary brought her face down closer to Marlene’s, as if she hoped she could breathe some sort of life back into her. “Wake up ,” Mary said, another sob wracking her body. “I need you, Marls. I need you to come back. I’m not ready for you to be gone.”
Shaking, Mary pulled herself back from Marlene’s face, looking down at her through eyes blurred with tears. She blinked, trying to clear her vision so she could look at Marlene.
That beautiful blonde hair brought Mary back to the time when they were all bored in the common room, so Mary decided to teach James how to braid hair with the hope that he could woo Lily with the skill. Marlene had volunteered herself for James to practice on, and had ended up with a knot in her hair so big they’d had to take her to the Hospital Wing to get it undone.
Those once-glowing eyes reminded Mary of all the mornings before Hogsmeade trips when the girls would cram themselves in front of the bathroom mirror, trying to get ready for whichever date they planned to take that day. There had been one day when Marlene had been crying, as no one had asked her to Hogsmeade, and Mary had helped her fix her eye makeup before promptly ditching her date and hanging out with Marlene all day.
Those now-blue lips brought a sob to Mary’s own lips when she thought back to one random Friday night when they and the boys had all gotten very drunk and Mary and Marlene ended up alone together in the room. Marlene had admitted to never having kissed anyone, and Mary, who was quite drunk, offered to help Marlene practice. That one kiss had made Mary feel things she had never felt before, feelings she was too scared to act on back then because she was frightened to lose Marlene, and feelings that she would never get to act on now because she had lost Marlene anyways.
Mary looked down at the body of one of her best friends and cried, praying to the Muggle God that she had never believed in but hoped looked down on her now. She pleaded for her life to be taken instead of Marlene’s. She begged for the chance to say goodbye.
Marlene McKinnon did not wake up. Her body lay there, cold and stiff, as Mary sobbed and clung onto her, until Lily Evans found her hours later, panicked that they had never shown up to brunch, and held onto both Marlene’s body and Mary’s arm until the Aurors came into the house and found them all.